WWYD -- why are families so stressful?? (long, sorry)

[PollyannaMom]

So sorry to hear about your mom

I would just assume manners are not in the forefront of your brother's mind right now, and not let it turn into a big deal. I like this response:

I'm sorry your brother is being a jerk. I would probably apologize to my brother (whether I sincerely meant it or not) just to keep the peace. Something like "I'm sorry, Bill. Sarah asked about the gift card and I told her we weren't able to use it that weekend. She suggested that she could return it, so I gave her permission to do that. I'm sorry I didn't think about leaving it for you, but I'd already told Sarah she could return it before you mentioned you wanted to keep it."

 

[Minnie_me]

Thank you, everyone, especially for the condolences. My mom suffered for 5 years with severe dementia that robbed her from living with dignity. I'm relieved that she's free from that horrible prison.

My brother, as some of you guessed, has always been difficult. We have gone years without speaking in the past, for ridiculously petty disagreements. You seriously wouldn't believe me if I told you what some of them were.

I don't know if my friend took care of the gift certificate or not, and I'm not going to check. I did my part, and I'm moving on.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Good for you Minnie. And trust me, I can believe anything. It is almost 5 years since I spoke to my oldest brother. Last time was dads funeral where he called me a nasty name. Done done done

 

[MakiraMarlena]

because they are people and sometimes people are jerks.

Brother can get by with "sorry, the GC has already been sold back."

 

[Wishing on a star]

My condolences again!
And, yes, may your mother now rest in peace.

You did the right thing...
Don't give it a second thought, and continue to move forward!

 

[Kellydelly]

I am very sorry for your loss, when a parent passes it is never easy.

I think it is odd that a gift certificate was issued and then taken back by your friend. I don't think it would be a big deal for your brother to use it if the rest of the family left town. It was meant to be a gift for your family and he is part of your family. It should have been no skin off anyone's nose who used it after the funeral was over with. I've just never heard of someone taking a gift back like that. I guess she did it because you told her to, but it seems like a strange thing to do. Just a different point of view

 

[NFLDERS]

As Pea and Me said, emotions are running high. I mean think about it, you guys are angry at each other over $75 worth of pizza. If you’ve already told him your friend is getting the refund then just let it be. There’s no reason to discuss it anymore. If you want to diffuse the situation you could say something like, “I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize you could use it” and then just let it go. No one has to be right about this, it’s not something you need to add to an already stressful situation.

I’m really sorry about your Mom. I wish you peace.

^ This. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Minnie_me]

I think it is odd that a gift certificate was issued and then taken back by your friend. I don't think it would be a big deal for your brother to use it if the rest of the family left town. It was meant to be a gift for your family and he is part of your family. It should have been no skin off anyone's nose who used it after the funeral was over with. I've just never heard of someone taking a gift back like that. I guess she did it because you told her to, but it seems like a strange thing to do. Just a different point of view

Here's the deal --- she is *my* friend: my brothers are so much older than me that they didn't even know her. She gave the gift certificate to help *ME* feed family while in from out of town for a funeral. She did NOT give the gift certificate for my brother to feed his band. We won't go back to my hometown; I don't have remaining family there (except that brother). My friend deserved to know that it wasn't used, and it was HER choice to "take care of it". Who knows? Maybe when she called, the manager told her that he contacted my brother about it, and maybe she chose to let it remain there.

 

[luvsJack]

Here's the deal --- she is *my* friend: my brothers are so much older than me that they didn't even know her. She gave the gift certificate to help *ME* feed family while in from out of town for a funeral. She did NOT give the gift certificate for my brother to feed his band. We won't go back to my hometown; I don't have remaining family there (except that brother). My friend deserved to know that it wasn't used, and it was HER choice to "take care of it". Who knows? Maybe when she called, the manager told her that he contacted my brother about it, and maybe she chose to let it remain there.

But here is where others are coming from (and not saying your choice was wrong). People give food and household things after a funeral. They bring casseroles, they bring sandwich trays and a dozen other things. And some give gift certificates to buy large quantities of take out. It’s for the family Not for one part of the family but the entire family.

After my dad’s death and again after Mom’s, we all had enough casseroles in our freezers to feed our families for quite awhile. Gift certificates not used were given to the person whose family would use it or we hung on to them to use when we would need to gather together to clean out the house, clean the yard, divide Mom’s things or whatever. We didn’t look at it and decide “oh your friend gave this one so you do something with it”. Everything was given to the family to make what they had to do just a tiny bit easier.

If she had given you 5 trays of frozen, homemade lasagna, would you have given it back to her?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think this is all a matter of interpretation.
And, given the circumstances, I have absolutely no problem with the OP, who was given the gift certificate, with a certain purpose and benefit in mind, letting her friend know that she would no longer be able to use it. This was for the family, as a good-will gesture, during this time in need....

IMHO, yes, this was for the OP's family... this was not, in any way, meant to give this brother $75.00 to get free pizza for his buddies.

The certificate may very well be non-refundable.
The friend my have decided to just let the whole thing go.
Especially since somebody at the restaurant had been very unprofessional and inappropriate and spoken to somebody other than the person who made the arrangements for this purchase.
This hasn't really been mentioned, but I doubt that this brother's name was specifically listed anywhere on that certificate.
Or, maybe it was simply like a generic, $75.00 gift card?
We really don't know.
I am not going to question or flame the OP here in ANY way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: a gift card - vs - actual food, is not a valid analogy here, at all.

If my friend did send trays of frozen lasagna, or have some catered in, etc...
And, all of the sudden, one person chooses to keep all of that food for themselves and their buddies...
I wouldn't be happy about that either.

If they wanted to go out somewhere else, other than Pizza, or have pizza delivery... And the brother was going be the one person to benefit from that $75.00, then maybe he should have covered the bill at the other restaurant they all went to.

One person should not be the sole beneficiary of a good-will gesture for the family.

 

[luvsJack]

What you are not getting is the gift certificate was given for the family and the brother is a part of the family.

I used lasagna trays because if the friend had spent the same amount of money on actual food and the food was not used before she left or was something she, herself, could not use, what would she do with it? Not so very different at all. The only difference would be the friend could t get her money back.

I would have seen the certificate given as something for the entire family and if one part couldn’t use it and another could, they then should have it.

In my example of trays of lasagna, if one part of the family could use it for some up coming gathering or whatever, why would you have an issue with them taking it?

When dh’s nephew died, a local restaurant did a fund raiser for him. For one night, a certain percentage of all sales went to the family. People in the community bought all kinds of food that night and brought it to mil’e house. She couldn’t have possibly used all that food. We ate with her that night and then when the food was boxed up only took enough for me and dd the following night. The rest of the family divided up the huge amount of food. This was a month after his funeral. They used it for family gatherings, pot lucks at work or whatever. Why should I care what they used it for? Do you think the givers cared?

I do not think the op was definitely wrong, but I do think there is more than one way to look at it that doesn’t make her brother so wrong either. And him using it for him and his band has nothing to do with it.

 

[design_mom]

When dh’s nephew died, a local restaurant did a fund raiser for him. For one night, a certain percentage of all sales went to the family. People in the community bought all kinds of food that night and brought it to mil’e house. She couldn’t have possibly used all that food. We ate with her that night and then when the food was boxed up only took enough for me and dd the following night. The rest of the family divided up the huge amount of food. This was a month after his funeral. They used it for family gatherings, pot lucks at work or whatever. Why should I care what they used it for? Do you think the givers cared?

I do not think the op was definitely wrong, but I do think there is more than one way to look at it that doesn’t make her brother so wrong either. And him using it for him and his band has nothing to do with it.

I've already posted on this thread that I probably wouldn't have realized that the gift card COULD be returned, so I probably would have left it for the brother. However, in your example, it sounds like once the food was delivered to your MIL, it was *her* choice on how to divide it up. I agree with you that I can't see what good it would do to go to waste, but if she had said "I'm taking these leftovers for my bridge club." or "My co-workers will help me finish this off tomorrow" or "I guess I'm set with dinners for a month" then it wouldn't be your place to say that the donations were meant for the entire family and you were taking XYZ home with you. If the family members helped themselves to the leftovers without at least asking first, I think they were being rude. It sounds like your MIL said "Please, everyone, take what you need" and that was a great way for her to handle it, but not the only way.

From the OP it sounds like the brother originally said "I don't mind telling you, I could really use that gift card." And if that's *all* he said then I don't think he was out of line. And if the OP had said "Oh, sure. Here it is." then that would have been a fine way of handling it. But if she had said "I'm planning to bring my friends back to see my hometown, we're going to use it then." or "Sorry, I gave it back to Sarah. She said she could return it." or "I gave it back to Sarah so her family can get some pizza." that is also an acceptable choice. In fact, if she had said "No. I have no use for it, but you can't have it." that would have still been within her rights, albeit not very nice.

 

[luvsJack]

I've already posted on this thread that I probably wouldn't have realized that the gift card COULD be returned, so I probably would have left it for the brother. However, in your example, it sounds like once the food was delivered to your MIL, it was *her* choice on how to divide it up. I agree with you that I can't see what good it would do to go to waste, but if she had said "I'm taking these leftovers for my bridge club." or "My co-workers will help me finish this off tomorrow" or "I guess I'm set with dinners for a month" then it wouldn't be your place to say that the donations were meant for the entire family and you were taking XYZ home with you. If the family members helped themselves to the leftovers without at least asking first, I think they were being rude. It sounds like your MIL said "Please, everyone, take what you need" and that was a great way for her to handle it, but not the only way.

From the OP it sounds like the brother originally said "I don't mind telling you, I could really use that gift card." And if that's *all* he said then I don't think he was out of line. And if the OP had said "Oh, sure. Here it is." then that would have been a fine way of handling it. But if she had said "I'm planning to bring my friends back to see my hometown, we're going to use it then." or "Sorry, I gave it back to Sarah. She said she could return it." or "I gave it back to Sarah so her family can get some pizza." that is also an acceptable choice. In fact, if she had said "No. I have no use for it, but you can't have it." that would have still been within her rights, albeit not very nice.

But wasn’t the gift certificate meant for the entire family?

 

[design_mom]

But wasn’t the gift certificate meant for the entire family?

Given the dynamic indicated by the OP (that the older brothers didn't even know the friend and vice versa), I'm going to say "no." It was to make things easier for the OP, whom the friend knew might be responsible for feeding a group of people. They might benefit from it, but the certificate was meant to make life easier for the OP.

I think its use was at the OP's discretion -- one meal for the extended family, several meals for her immediate family, giving it to the brother to use at a later date, or returning it to her friend. All would have been acceptable options. She picked one. (I don't necessarily think the brother was a complete jerk for saying "Hey, if you're not going to use that gift card, I'd love to have it." although considering the OP's reaction to the suggestion, I'd guess there's some "history" there which makes her less than thrilled at his request.)

 

[luvsJack]

Given the dynamic indicated by the OP (that the older brothers didn't even know the friend and vice versa), I'm going to say "no." It was to make things easier for the OP, whom the friend knew might be responsible for feeding a group of people. They might benefit from it, but the certificate was meant to make life easier for the OP.

I think its use was at the OP's discretion -- one meal for the extended family, several meals for her immediate family, giving it to the brother to use at a later date, or returning it to her friend. All would have been acceptable options. She picked one. (I don't necessarily think the brother was a complete jerk for saying "Hey, if you're not going to use that gift card, I'd love to have it." although considering the OP's reaction to the suggestion, I'd guess there's some "history" there which makes her less than thrilled at his request.)

Guess so. I just have never known of anyone to give something to a grieving family only for the use of one part of it. My sister, brother and I all have a lot of people that are only connected to one of us but anything given, including plants even, were given to the whole family.

I agree that there is history and am fairly certain that history played a part in her choice. Which, while I don’t see her choice as totally wrong, I do think that she is a bit clouded where her brother is concerned.

 

[mummabear]

But wasn’t the gift certificate meant for the entire family?

Maybe not. Personally I view it as a gift to her from her friend.

 

[Skywalker]

PS: a gift card - vs - actual food, is not a valid analogy here, at all.

If my friend did send trays of frozen lasagna, or have some catered in, etc...
And, all of the sudden, one person chooses to keep all of that food for themselves and their buddies...
I wouldn't be happy about that either.

If they wanted to go out somewhere else, other than Pizza, or have pizza delivery... And the brother was going be the one person to benefit from that $75.00, then maybe he should have covered the bill at the other restaurant they all went to.

One person should not be the sole beneficiary of a good-will gesture for the family.

Sorry, this attitude seems so petty to me. The brother lost his mom too, geez cut him some slack. If the gift card was strictly for the use of OP and her own family only, why did she even mention it to the brothers in the first place? I also would never have thought of having my friend get the gift certificate back. To me, it would have been a no-brainer to leave it with the brother that lived there, and say hey we never got to use this maybe you can at some point. I think families have stress because people just want to create it for some reason.

 

[jerseygal]

SO VERY sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace after such an awful disease. I lost my Mom around the same time as you last year, very suddenly, elderly, no severe health problems, passed away in her sleep. Received a phone call and she was already gone. My Dad, also elderly, no severe health problems, except for beginning of dementia, had a tragic accident 3 years prior, fell down stairs in their home and passed away while in a coma within 12 hours. Fortunate enough to at least give Dad a last kiss while he was in the Coma when he passed, but Mom, a different story. Was extremely close to both parents, although lived 5 hours away, did as much as I possibly could. Losing Mom last January was devastating enough, but our family also severely suffered much drama. Be KIND to yourself during this time and try to take one minute at a time. It was a very rough year for me "coping" with the losses, in addition to the family sadness that followed. I prayed a lot during this time as it took a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health as well. I THANK GOD every day for my loving DH, two wonderful sons to help navigate these very difficult and sad times. When I meet different people and hear their stories about how blessed some are to have family to support each other lovingly during such sad emotional times, I tell them they are truly blessed.

 

[indimom]

I would have left the gift card with my brother. I wouldn't have thought that a gift card was returnable, and it makes sense to let someone in the family have the use of it And it wouldn't matter to me how they used it - even band buddies. The idea of using it while cleaning out the house or finalizing financials is probably the best idea, but I'm not sure that idea would have occurred to me at that time.