your opinion or how to answer ? from my kids regarding disablities and "differences"

OMG!!!! D L I love that one!!! I gotta tell that one to DH when he gets home...and he thinks my lost leg stories are a gass LOL

Wheelsie Co-Moderator of disABILITIES
and
DisneyTips
wheelsie@mail.wdwinfo.com

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Thank you for a smile today. That story is soooo cute I couldn't help but LOL.

:)

Elaine
When you wish upon a star...
 
I let DH and DS(6) go to Home Depot alone (always a mistake), and while DH was staring entranced at a high-flush toilet(!), DS noticed a man in a wheelchair with only one leg. DH tried to distract DS, but the man was very kind and said that it was alright. He told DS that he had been in a car accident many years and had lost the leg because he had not been wearing his seatbelt and had been ejected from the car. He asked DS to promise him that he would always wear his seatbelt no matter what, so that something bad like that would never happen to him. (Remember I only heard this second hand, but DH said the man was extremely kind.) So, when DS and I got in the car yesterday, DS put on his seatbelt and told me, "I'm never going to forget to put on my seatbelt now, because that man will have to wait until he goes to heaven to be able to run around, like he used too." (How's that for typical 6 year old logic?) I just really appreciated a stranger taking the time to make such a strong impression on DS. Thank you whoever you were!
 
My 9yo DD came to me last night upset by an incident at school. During art class someone at the table started talking about a man they saw somewhere that didn't have a leg. They said how gross that was and made jokes about what the person couldn't do. As some of you know from previous posts she has a cousin about her age that doesn't have a leg. She didn't understand how someone would find this gross or a laughing matter. She knows that her cousin lost his leg to no fault of his own but to save his life from cancer; he is same to her as before; can do almost everything other kids can and has some talents that other kids don't have (He can do wheelies in a wheel chair & hop really well). She isn't a very assertive person and she said nothing, we talked about ways to handle times when people say things you don't agree with. Hopefully next time she will get the courage to speak up but I think this does show that children left to their own devices can misunderstand disabilities and turn them into a barrier.

Janette
WDW
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Offsite ? - 1976, Vistana - 1988
Vistana/Contemp - June 2000, OKW - Feb 2001
BWV - DIS Convention Nov 2001
Disneyland - 1998
 


Everyone thank you so much for all your thoughts and the stuff you have shared! Wish more people could hear your messages.
My heart goes out for the women with the child who sniffed inhalents. God Bless her. That hits home for all of us! Communication is so important! I am glad I posted here! You all seem like wonderful folks!

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I think one of the problems in life is that no one thinks the bad things in life will happen to them, they only happen to others. People who make fun of or make life difficult for people with disabilities don't realize that all it takes to become a person with a disability is a bad decision (theirs or someone else's), being in the wrong place at the wrong time or just bad luck.

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES
 
I'm very lucky to have two healthy children but my problem was always I did not know how to handle to explain to my children if they ever asked about someone's disabilities. I'm not the kind of person who would shush them or "cover" the reason , I simply tell them the truth.
I have never been put in the position where they asked me why someone was on a wheelchair or anything like that but if the situation ever comes up I want to be honest and not hurt other people's feelings.
I hope I don't offend any of you with anything I say but like I said , I'm learning a lot from you.
Thank you for teaching me how to handle this with my children if the time ever comes up.
 
Thank you for your nice comments, Mskanga (I couldn't copy that, so I hope I got your name right). I'm sure you will do just fine when the situation comes up. You already have sensitivity and that's the part that helps you answer the most.
:)

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES
 
Personally , I think it is best to explain to our children that people are different and some people need a little more assistance (in the way of a cane or wheelchair , hearing aid, etc...) to enjoy all the things that everyone else does.

Oh, Puffy!!! That is the best way I have ever seen anyone put it!!! That is my answer from now on!!!

I am sometimes guilty of staring myself, especially at WDW. If you catch me staring, I'm looking at your equipment. I've seen some pretty neat stuff at WDW that isn't usually seen here at home.
SueM in MN

Me too. I was at a concert once and a guy had light-up wheels on his chair. I was totally jealous...mine just has black rubber. I want to pimp my chair, too!

Now, what gets me is adults who stare. They know better. So, I have a system:

1) Smile
2) Smile and wave
3) Smile and greeting
4)Death glare
5) Rude hand gesture

I have yet to get to #5. Number 4, however...:sad2:
 
We had a recent incident at a homeschool gathering. One of the little girls (4ish) said something about Julia not being able to walk. Of course Julia heard her and got upset and ignored the kids the whole time, stayed with adults. So the next time Julia had her walker and was running all around playing chase and I was talking to the mom. I told her Julia was upset about the incident and she asked me how I recommend her talking to her girls about it. It opened a big conversation for our homeschool group.... Of course the mom apologized up and down. I told her not to worry about it! I try to teach my kids how to handle situations. We homeschool for many reasons, but reality is that life isn't always going to be peaches and cream and she has to learn that too. Julia and that little girl are great friends now!

I told them that my kids are taught that everyone is different. Different isn't bad... if we were all the same life would be boring. Its good some kids have brown skin, some kids use wheelchairs, some kids have cleft lips, no arms, no legs, no hair, etc etc. I have heard kids at playgrounds ask my son "whats wrong with your sisters hands?" I have proudly listened as he says "Oh there is nothing *wrong* with her. Her hands are just different, thats all. God made them different"

Of course I must say my kids are likely exposed so many differences hat typical children and families aren't. We host kids from Africa here in the US for medical care. My kids have seen it all. We try to teach them to embrace our differences and go on.
 
I have had a lot of younger people ask me how I hurt myself, because I have a scar from cancer surgery that goes from my neck down my arm (so no matter what I'm wearing you can see it). Overall I'd much rather have someone ask me what happened rather than just stare at me or whisper about it. It doesn't really bother me if people ask, if it's a child I just say I was sick and I had to have an operation but the doctors made me all better and if it's an adult I'll tell them I had a transplant surgery due to cancer.

I guess you just tell your kids what you think they can handle, but personally I don't mind people asking me themselves as long as they aren't rude about it. Kids and adults are going to be curious about things, so why not strike up a conversation to cure your curiosity.

Just my two cents about the situation, and my situation is not as prominent as others so take it for what you will.
 
What a great thread! And how nice to know that others out there agree that asking questions is perfectly acceptable...

My son has been in a wheelchair much of his life (he tires easily due to scoliosis, short gut, pulmonary hypertension....) and I remember one time that really stands out. We were at a zoo, he was...6ish I think? Anyway... 2 kids kept on staring at him and whispering to each other, and really looked like they had some important questions on their minds. I was getting ready to go over and talk to them with Sean, when their mom said as loud as she could, "STOP STARING at that CRIPPLE!!!".

Got MY dander up big time... so I walked right over to her and said first of all my son is not a cripple, he tires easily and has had lots of surgeries. Also, YOU need to know that it is perfectly ok for kids to ask questions, that is how they learn about life! Then I squatted down next to the kids and answered the questions they had... If you could have seen the glare on that mom's face! LOL! We ran into them several times that day, and the kids were always very friendly and kind to Sean... and the mother glared at me every time she saw me.

Kids learn to be accepting from those around them... if they see the adults behaving like there is something dreadful about a person with a difference, then they learn to treat those with differences as less than.... you know?

Sigh.... off my little soapbox! :)

Anyway, thanks everyone for sharing! I just love reading what others have said, seen, and done!
 
I feel very strongly when my daughter ask a question about some one I should answer it then and there not hush her up and try to pretend I didn't hear. At this point she is never rude. She is only 5. At times I wish I could refer her directly to the person. Example, we were at City walk making dinner ressies and the lady had ..... So what is your view point with children who are curious by nature and generally want to know
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My kids both have issues. They also have service animals. They hate it when they hear kids talking about them or their dogs. I think a 5 year old is old enough to understand that talking about others may hurt their feelings. I guess I'd tell a young child that it's not nice to talk about others. Later, if your child has questions, I'd suggest talking about the situation.

I don't know that it does any good for kids to speculate about the health or abilities of another individual. My daughter, or example, doesn't think of herself as having any issues at all. Now, she's 10, the size of a 7 year old, uses a w/c, oxygen, and has a service dog, among other things.

My adolescent son has horrible problems with people staring and talking about him. He hates to be in public because of this. It's never an easy thing. There is never a time when people don't come up and ask questions.

You know, people with disabilities are just like everyone else. How does it make you feel when you hear people talking about you? I love children. But so much of our lives are wrapped up in our issues that it's, well, hurtful sometimes to deal with the stares, and to have other people expect us to explain our issues to them. It'd be nice to go to the mall and be like everyone else. It's really tough to walk past people, even well meaning and innocent children, who are discussing the possible reasons why we have wheelchairs or service dogs.

I hear parents tell their children, "Oh those people are training a blind dog." People come up all the time and ask, "You're not blind. What kind of dog do you have?"

I guess, the long answer to your question would be this. If the person comes up to you and explains things then it's OK to ask questions. Otherwise, I'd work with your child to teach her not to speak about others and to ask questions privately.
 
What a lot of less “enlightened” parents do not realize is that when they are not honest with their children or avoid a question or even worse get angry or upset with their child when asking about differences is that the children “understand” that there is something “wrong” about the difference and they learn, and take that discriminatory prejudice with them for life. I have a Ds8 Aspergers and a DS5 who is a NT, needless to say DS8 is very curious and will not hesitate to ask us, or the person if they are close, about any differences. A lot of the therapeutic activities we do are with a broad range of people with special situations so he gets a lot of opportunities. We have taught him to embrace and understand both his disabilities and his extra abilities and that is how he views the rest of the world. Of coarse being an aspie a social type of answer is not adequate and he will continue to inquire until he gets the “technical” reason, but even with this I can not think of a time when the person being “questioned” was rude or upset although maybe occasionally a little uncomfortable. I think he presents such a non discriminatory intellectual curiosity that it puts most people at ease even when it involves such societal sensitive issues such as race, religion or relationship preferences. I love it that my DS5 is following in his older brothers footsteps (although he does have the typical genders biases of his age). I always feel very sad for children who obviously have developed strong prejudices at a young age, because they will miss out on the wonderful diversity that is our world.

I guess it is easy with an Aspergers child since prejudices and discrimination are just “ not logical”.

bookwormde
 
We were at Disney with the family and my son 5 at the time my nephew also 5 and my neice 7 were all in the room and Chris had a seizure. They are used to it so it wasn't a shock. They always asked back then though since they wanted to understand. So I said to them sometimes his brain runs a mararthon by itself, kinda like when the TV won't come in when the cable is out and that is why afterwards he is so tired. It is the easiest way I found to describe a seizure to a little kid without overwhelming them with the science especially since doctors dont truly understand the mechanisms. So my nephew comes to me about 5 minutes after digesting it all and says...When I get bigger I am gonna be a doctor that takes away Chris' seizures.... I was caught so off guard I started to cry, he made me so proud.

It was short lived though LOL he has wanted to be about 45 other things since LOL So hopes for a neurologist in the family are getting beat out by a cop, fireman, taking over his dads business so he can be his dad's boss lol.
 
My son wears a prosthetic leg and he gets very tired of answering questions about his leg because people ask all the time. He is 7. If I am there I usually let him answer something quick and move on and then I give the child more information if they seem to want it. He has explained his prosthesis hundreds of times and even though the person talking to him has never seen it before, it is old news to him.

I have also told him that if someone asks and he doesn't want to answer he can also say "I don't want to talk about it right now, do you want to play?" In my opinion, he is not obligated to share his life story. I think talking to people and explaining to them helps them to understand and appreciate that we all have differences, sometimes he is just not up to it and that is okay too.:)

He really used to hate it when someone would say "his leg was broken" or that he couldnt walk without out the prosthesis". Both were not accurate and really bothered him when he was little. One little girl argued with him until I had to step in and tell her to drop it or get away from him. She was a couple of years older and just had to be right.

He also has moments where he delights in shocking the other kids. "You don't want to know what happened, it will scare you, I mean it is really scary, they CUT my leg off!" etc...
 
Questions from children never bother me. My DS13 is very obviously "different"--he hoots, he drools, he bobs his head and flaps his hands. He walks with the gait of a drunken sailor and he is nonverbal. What bothers me a lot is adults who stare or allow their children to make fun. Last summer we were at a campground pool when a girl about 8yo announced that DS "looks like a monster". Well, of course, everyone stared. Christian does not look like a monster--he's cute as a bug, blond & blue-eyed. As this girl went on about how horrible he was, I saw her parents laughing. :mad: Not cool. I explained to the girl that although Christian is different, he likes to swim in the pool and ride his horse, and he is good at those things. It shut her up, but we left; our good time was ruined.

One of the sweetest things that ever happened to us was when Christian was about 4yo. He had not learned to walk, so he was in his wheelchair as we shopped. A little boy,also about 4yo, saw him and broke away from his grandmother to come over to us. Before she could catch up with him he asked me what was wrong with Christian. So I told him that Christian is different: he learns things slowly, so he hadn't learned how to walk or talk. Just that quick, the little boy climbed up in Christian's lap, held his face in his hands and said,"It's okay, Christian. Just open your mouth and let the woooords come oooouuuttt..." I thought his grandmother would have a stroke, but it was really the cutest thing.
 

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