how would you handle this ?

[pyrxtc]

think what you want

 

[golfgal]

First, she is 16, she doesn't need a bedtime and certainly not 10:30 on a weekend Second, like you said, there are a LOT of changes in her life and the only constant she has right now are her friends-keeping in mind that 16 year old girls are VERY social and will have no friends in her new school (unless she is still going to her old school). I don't see why she couldn't go somewhere for Halloween-it isn't like it happens every weekend. I would let her go but tell her she needs to by home by 11:00. I would also compromise and let her go back every other weekend to start. Eventually the length of the trip and meeting new friends will kill her desire to go back to see everyone all the time. I would also add her to your cell phone plan so she can keep in touch with her old friend AND so she has a cell phone for those long drives. I would also install Skype so she can chat with her friends. Honestly, it sounds more like a prison sentence then a home from your posts.

As far as breakfast goes, maybe she just isn't hungry for breakfast. I can't eat right away when I get up and our DS18 is the same way.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow--do you have other kids her same age (there is a world of difference between 13 and 16)? Are these the rules they live under? Why is she moving in with you (problems at her old school, mom not interested anymore, etc)?

Anyway, take my comments with the full knowledge that I am not a step parent nor have I ever been a step child.

Honestly, I think you are a bit overboard on the rules. Typical teens are not expected to always participate in all family activities and forcing her to do so will not allow her to make friends and jump into what social scene you might have in your area as easily. Also, a 10:30 weekend curfew for a 16 year old seems a bit much. Especially since it is a 20 minute drive to town--meaning she cannot do anything that ends past 10 even on a weekend. Bedtimes for teens are silly. I can see saying that after a point she must be quiet and in her room so as not to disturb you--but if she stays up late the consequence is being tired the next day. No need to make yourself into the bad guy on that one.

I can see it if she has a history of some really serious issues that you have to jump right on. Otherwise, I think starting off with a gazillion and one rules that are on the very strict side is going to make her feel alienated and not welcome and like you are hoping she will hate it and leave.

I CAN see limiting how often she visits her old town (because the drive could be dangerous and it will be harder for her to make friends in her new location if she is never there on the weekends). Will she be visiting her mother on weekends? Perhaps you can come up with a schedule of every other weekend she goes to visit old friends? Or even once a month. Less than that would just seem mean when they are so near by. It is hard adjusting to a move and you want to encourage both forming new friendships and maintaining old ones (and it is not fair to expect her friends to do all the work of visiting you--much easier on all around for her, one person, to travel than for all of them to do so).

I guess I would say first you and your husband need to take a few hours to sit together just you and come up with what things really matter and how you want to go about them. Maybe you can talk to several local parents of kids her age and find out what the typical weekend activities are, how late most kids are allowed out, etc and work from there.
Then, I would sit down together with her and tell her what rules you will have. Tell her you know it is different from what she had at her mom's. Also let her know that you will not cave to whining, demanding, etc but that if she feels she has valid arguments about why some of your rules should be changed you WILL listen to those arguments and are prepared to be flexible if it makes sense to do so.

I don't know. Hopefully I am totally misreading the tone but it just sounds like you are dreading her coming instead of being thrilled to have your daughter living with you. Make sure she is picking up the vibe that she is wanted and loved and not any vibes about being something one dreads.

ETA--I forgot about the breakfast thing. Unless there is a medical reason she NEEDS to eat breakfast (like my DD tends to faint and it seems to be less likely when she eats) then why would you push that? Make something available to her and encourage her to take a snack--but getting into this with a 16 year old seems like a power play more than anything.

 

[stsomewhere]

I think a 9:30 bedtime is early for a 16 yr old.

 

[Cinderella94]

I agree with PP about the bedtime. I'm a 16 year old senior in HS and haven't had a bedtime since middle school, and even then it wasn't 9:30 . A 1 AM curfew would be way too late, especially on a school night, but I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her go out on Halloween. The thought of making her give you her facebook password makes me , but I suppose that's another thread. I don't have anything hidden on my facebook that my parents would disapprove of, but they don't have my password. We (teens, general 'we', anyone) like having a sense of privacy & trust.

 

[Mimi1965]

First, she is 16, she doesn't need a bedtime and certainly not 10:30 on a weekend .

I remember you posting that you had no curfew for your 15 yr old DD

Sorry-some kids will chat and play video games all night long-and DO need a "lights out" time on school nights
Also -the OP is worried about the long distance and driving late at night with snow-a real concern

Could she stay with her Mom on date nights? (Not sure what happened to make her live with you???)

 

[kaseyC]

I don't know. Hopefully I am totally misreading the tone but it just sounds like you are dreading her coming instead of being thrilled to have your daughter living with you. Make sure she is picking up the vibe that she is wanted and loved and not any vibes about being something one dreads.

I'm kind of picking up that vibe as well. The whole situation does not sound very welcoming at all. As a matter of fact, it sounds more like punishment.

 

[mtemm]

I agree, she is 16 and is old enough for some freedoms. 10:30 on a weekend for a 16 year old surprises me. I wasn't allowed to go out on weeknights, but weekends I was definitely out with my friends/boyfriend.

At the same time, I do hear what you are saying, that you want her to become a daily part of your family and new town. Heading to her old city every single weekend might make that adjustment harder. but at the same time, are you also carving out any time for her to go visit her old city/friends? is there a reason you are keeping her from it if you aren't? Does she get into trouble there? drugs? associating with people who are delinquent or otherwise troublemakers? Is there a reason to keep her away from them?

another thing that struck me. I understand wanting to know what she wants to do about halloween, but did she ask you to figure out a costume for her? I think my mom stopped having anything to do with my cotumes when I was a tween. I worked them out on my own.

good luck! I'm sure this is going to be a tough transition for all involved.

 

[NMAmy]

As the mom of a teenage dd, I believe you might want to rethink some of your rules and save your battles for the important issues.

Why would you force her to eat breakfast? Give her a cereal bar or a granola bar to put in her pocket and let her eat it or not.

A 10:30 bedtime on the weekend also seems pretty restrictive. And forcing a teen to attend every family outing? At that age, they like to spend time with their friends. Asking friends along is a huge incentive but there are going to be times when she's going to want to do stuff without her parents along and that makes perfect sense to me.

I just think you have a whole lot of rules that are going to make your own life a pain in the behind. It seems as though you're bending over backwards to prove that you're not as lenient as her mother. You don't have to let her run wild but you don't have to have her on a choke chain either.

 

[Mellie2162]

First, she is 16, she doesn't need a bedtime and certainly not 10:30 on a weekend Second, like you said, there are a LOT of changes in her life and the only constant she has right now are her friends-keeping in mind that 16 year old girls are VERY social and will have no friends in her new school (unless she is still going to her old school). I don't see why she couldn't go somewhere for Halloween-it isn't like it happens every weekend. I would let her go but tell her she needs to by home by 11:00. I would also compromise and let her go back every other weekend to start. Eventually the length of the trip and meeting new friends will kill her desire to go back to see everyone all the time. I would also add her to your cell phone plan so she can keep in touch with her old friend AND so she has a cell phone for those long drives. I would also install Skype so she can chat with her friends. Honestly, it sounds more like a prison sentence then a home from your posts.

As far as breakfast goes, maybe she just isn't hungry for breakfast. I can't eat right away when I get up and our DS18 is the same way.

ITA with this!! My dd16 does not eat in the morning because she cant stomach the food, nor do I. Why force someone to eat if they dont want to. I think your rules are a bit much for someone who is changing her whole life at 16.

 

[Skatermom23]

I agree with PP. If you set up those rules for your DSD, you are heading down a road of failure. At age 16, she is able to decide if she wants to eat breakfast and she should be given some flexibility to determine bedtime and what time she gets up in the morning. If your DD uses the bathroom at a certain time, then it is up to DSD to determine when to get up. This approach will go over a lot better than having a strict schedule to follow.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I agree with both of the previous posters. You aren't coming across as very welcoming and are setting this up as a battle / power play rather than setting up a welcoming home environment. I am clearly getting the impression there is a story behind the story here that we aren't getting. It's as if she must have done something awful and that is why she is coming to live with you. If that isn't the case, then you need to take a step back. My DD is almost 16 and her Dad and I are still together so she isn't divided between two households and I don't expect her to be at all family occassions. I am assuming she hasn't made friends yet in her new community / at her new school. As she makes new friends she is likely to want to spend time with them on the weekends and the appeal of driving to her old friends will lessen. I predict that will take care of itself. Not to say she will lose her old friends altogether, but she will probably stop going there every weekend on her own eventually. As for the Facebook, I don't have my DD's password, but being 16 she sometimes gets forgetful and steps away from the computer for awhile without logging off. I can glance at her page and see there is nothing inappropriate so I don't feel the need to have her password at this age. I would take this approach and if you see anything that is a concern, then force the issue.

As Hadley said, there is a world of difference between 13 and 16.

ETA: DD leaves for school at 6 a.m. so there isn't always time for breakfast so when I do my grocery shopping I always buy nutritious snacks (i.e. cereal bars, granola, etc) that she can keep in her locker in case she wants to grab a quick snack at some point when her stomach wakes up. You might want to try this approach.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would rethink having her move in. Your rules and regulations are beyond ridiculous.

 

[MickeySP]

Why are YOU setting all these rules? Where is her father?

ITA with PP - too many rules and unreasonable curfew. It does seem she is being punished for living with you. Are your kids making any sacrifices or is it just her?

Why can't her and the 13yo alternate early mornings?

It seems she is doing all the adjusting and you guys none. I know as a 16yo I would be rebeling bigtime.

As far as breakfast - you are really gonna force her to eat?!? Really, what is she doesn't want to or isn't hungry? This seems just a bit over the top, and frankly a set up for an eating disorder.

You can't control her whole life and everything in it, I agree pick your battles.

 

[Buckalew11]

It will be a change for everyone in the house. How many kids do you have and what are their ages?

With her coming to live with you, I think YOU and your husband, her father better get your hands on some sort of info about how to do this and do it right. Otherwise, I think this sounds like it is already like a stick of dynamite that has been lit.

I'm a big believer in rules and discipline. However, being the mom of a 16yo, I feel like you might have too many rules, ready for more and life is going to feel like a checklist or something.

A 9:30 bedtime for 16yo? 10:30 on weekends? You said she was already upset about the bedtime...so was I when I read it! I'm a mom who has always my dd in bed very early. I'm talking 8:00 pm even in the summer when it was still light out. But 9:30 on a school night? I'm leaning towards 10:30 or 11 depending on how she gets up and gets ready in the mornings. I think by the time a girl is 16yo, you need to loosen the reigns a bit and allow them a bit more of life after all, she will be heading to college in approximately 2 years.
My 16yo can't be home from a HS football game by 10:30 on a Friday night. Granted she is a student athletic trainer and it takes time to pack it all up to head for home but still...

I wouldn't go for a curfew of 1 am for a 16yo no matter what. I'll agree with you there.

Having no phone and no texting while at your home is going to be *killer* for a 16yo. I'm sure there are 16yos out there who do not text but I do not know of any. Even my DH texts. lol

We moved last year 10 mins out of "town". We are all still adjusting to that change. Please be aware of what being 20 extra mins out plus 20 extra mins in will be as a change for his daughter. That in itself will be a big adjustment. Add a new house, new family, new rules, no cell, shared computer...ugh.
I'm sorry. I just read this and see family stress and turmoil.

Not being able to have privacy while using the computer will be huge for this girl. While I understand safety issues and all that, I still think people need some privacy--esp. at age 16. My dd using her laptop in her room. I'm her friend on FB and I keep a tight reign on her. I know I have a mature, well behaved kid and every child is different but I still think it sounds as if you are setting it up for hard feelings and even get the feeling you are dreading her coming into your home.

My 27yo nephew's parents were divorced when he was a baby (about 18mos.) It was all he knew...going back and forth as his dad was involved in his life. The dad remarried and had 2 more boys so my nephew was fitting in with their family when visited their home. He said one of the hardest parts was the different rules at different houses. It is hard enough to obey all the rules at one home, but enter another home every visitation and you have ANOTHER set of rules to learn and live by. His teen years were filled with stress between his dad and him. It was really hard to watch.

I really hope that instead of handing this girl a list of rules and regulations as she walks into the home that you'll sit down, the 3 of you, and discuss what would be reasonable bedtimes, curfews etc.

Remember, you have never had a 16yo before, having a younger child/children is very different. Let her have input and a say. Save yourself some heartache. Save your relationship with your husband, her father. Save her relationship with you and her dad. You have a very short time with her. Make the most of it. Send her off into the world the way you'd want for your own child if her parents had divorced.

Good luck. I hope you all transition into this smoothly and can have a home filled with happiness.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I can understand your need for control during this transition period, as it appears that the two households were worlds apart. Try to remind yourself that this girl is a city 16 year old, not a country 16 year old. She is going to try equally as hard to fight for control as you will.

From my experience that what a 16 year old says they are going to be doing (future plans) and what actually happens are not one in the same. i.e. going back home every weekend, party at halloween etc. She doesn't want to turn off her old world and needs to feel that they won't survive without her.

Think carefully about the rules you are considering setting out, why you want to implement them, and then decide which are the most important ones to stand your ground on. She is nearly an adult (in her mind she is an adult) and to force her to conform to an alien lifestyle will only cause heartache and pain. You want this to be as painless for all of you as possible. A lot of tact, love and support will go far to making this a positive experience.

I wish you much luck, tolerance, sense of humor and compassion during this transitional time in your lives.


P.S. Regarding the facebook password, I am in 100% agreement with you on this. Sorry to the teen PP. It is a scary world out there and regardless of how worldly you may think you are, you are still too naive to safely navigate the oceans alone.

 

[pyrxtc]

and

 

[wilderness01]

I remember you posting that you had no curfew for your 15 yr old DDSorry-some kids will chat and play video games all night long-and DO need a "lights out" time on school nights
Also -the OP is worried about the long distance and driving late at night with snow-a real concern

Could she stay with her Mom on date nights? (Not sure what happened to make her live with you???)

There is a vast difference between not having a curfew and having a 10:30 BEDTIME on the weekend for a 16 year old. That is wayyyyyyy too early and strict. When is the kid supposed to unwind? Teenagers like to unwind, and although I don't agree with staying up until all hours, I think staying up a tad late on the weekends is ok.

Is your stepdaughter in trouble and that is why she needs the ultra strict rules? Are you all ok with her coming to live with you? There seems like there is maybe something more. Good luck, I hope it all goes smooth.

 

[wilderness01]

I also agree with having the password for FB. If there is nothing to hide, there is no reason you can't have it.

I think being strict is ok, actually there is nothing wrong with it.

I just think the bedtimes are too early. Good luck and hold onto your seat. Raising a 16 yr old, as you know, can be a bumpy ride.

 

[mjkacmom]

While you might think she has too much freedom, I definitely see you pushing this girl, who is making a huge transition, into a rebel. Dd14 usually gets home around 11 on weekends, and she goes to bed whenever she wants (she loves her sleep, so she's usually in bed by 9:30 on weeknights anyway). She has a laptop, and spends her entire weekend with her gf's. She's home for dinner during the week, usually, and I have no idea what she eats for breakfast. She is a teenager! I know her friends and their parents well, she's never gotten into trouble, and I trust her.

I can see your DSD moving in with a friend. You are going to put her on the defensive immediately.