Grief?

[lilia78]

How long does it take to feel back to ‘normal’ after losing someone close to you?

A bit of background I am 40 years old and my whole life I’ve never lived farther than 8 miles from my parents. On July 30 2017 out of the complete blue we found out that my Mom had stage 4 cancer. She did what she could to fight it but because of the stage and where it was treatment was not much of an option and we were told by day 2 they would just be looking at palliative care for her. She was in and out of hospitals for a few months and did two rounds of chemo which didn’t work. In November she came home and on February 15 she moved into the nursing home for palliative care as it was to a point that we could no longer offer her 24 hour care at home. She passed away peacefully on June 1st with my older brother and I by her side.

It is now almost 5 months later and everyday I am still expecting to talk to her or see her. I also have moments where it feels as though I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t get out. I cry multiple times a day and am extremely depressed.

While I know everyone grieves differently I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is normal or if I am entering a bipolar state. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my 20’s and am medicated. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for next Tuesday to discuss this and other medical issues.

Thank you in advance for any words of advise or wisdom you may have for me.

 

[low-key]

The more you love, the more you hurt

 

[Shanti]

How long does it take to feel back to ‘normal’ after losing someone close to you?

A bit of background I am 40 years old and my whole life I’ve never lived farther than 8 miles from my parents. On July 30 2017 out of the complete blue we found out that my Mom had stage 4 cancer. She did what she could to fight it but because of the stage and where it was treatment was not much of an option and we were told by day 2 they would just be looking at palliative care for her. She was in and out of hospitals for a few months and did two rounds of chemo which didn’t work. In November she came home and on February 15 she moved into the nursing home for palliative care as it was to a point that we could no longer offer her 24 hour care at home. She passed away peacefully on June 1st with my older brother and I by her side.

It is now almost 5 months later and everyday I am still expecting to talk to her or see her. I also have moments where it feels as though I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t get out. I cry multiple times a day and am extremely depressed.

While I know everyone grieves differently I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is normal or if I am entering a bipolar state. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my 20’s and am medicated. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for next Tuesday to discuss this and other medical issues.

Thank you in advance for any words of advise or wisdom you may have for me.

I am so sorry. Given the timing of your feelings, I suspect you are experiencing grief, not mental illness. Grief can be long-lasting and intense. I recommend talking with a therapist to build coping skills, rather than just getting more medication.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I lost my Mom to cancer in May 2006. We had never lived apart and were best friends, so close. I lived alone for a year, and in that year I grieved. I took a solo Disney trip at the beginning of December 2006, and kept a journal since I was alone for a week. The entire notebook was about my mother and how much I missed her. That trip, I cried every night back in my hotel room. I have Depression with psychotic features and also an anxiety disorder, and that made it even worse-I was in bed for days at a stretch, taking multiple sleeping pills on top of my regular medications to keep myself fuzzy and sleepy. I thought it made missing her easier, and at the time I thought I was taking all these sleeping pills to make myself feel better-I got up to 11 pills a day/night. In October 2007, I made the decision to move to New Jersey to live with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins. I will say I *really* hate small town life, but I love my relatives and they've done me a world of good. I got off the over-the-counter sleeping pills and very carefully started on prescription medication to help me sleep under the watchful eye of my relatives and my therapist and psychiatrist.

What it all boiled down to, was that I needed people in my life, people who loved me and cared about me. That would be my advice...and having periods where I still isolate myself, I think I can say try not to do this. Reach out to family, friends, etc. What you are going through, especially with a mental illness, is completely normal *for you.* You grieve at your own pace and in your own time. Don't let anyone tell you to snap out of it or to get over it...but I promise you it gets better. You will climb out of the black hole. Bad days are normal, but they get further apart with time. I'd say I was in full grief for two years, which sounds like a hell of a long time, but that was normal for *me.* You will find your own pace, and there's no "right" way to do it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's good that you have a doctor's appointment coming up soon. Stress can cause imbalances that may require an adjustment in your medication. I am so sorry for your loss. You are still only four months out, and had a long year with your Mom's illness. I think it's going to take more time than that for you to work through the grieving process - perhaps a lot more.

 

[lilia78]

I isolate myself a lot. I work from home and during my mother’s illness I lost the only non-family member friend I had. My sisters are great to spend time with and talk to but they are also grieving so I don’t want to put too much on them about me. KWIM?

I will speak with my doctor about referring me to a therapist, I’ve never used one as they are hard to find in my area but I know I need to make an effort as I believe they could help with a lot of other issues besides grief.

ETA. I’ve never had to deal with grief before. I lost all of my grandparents as a child and don’t remember many issues dealing with the grief so I really don’t know what kind of timeline I should be looking at. Also I’m not expecting a timeline per say just wanting to be sure I’m not falling back into a depressive state that I’m still passing off as grief, if that makes sense.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

The closer you are the more it hurts.
I live with my parents and at the moment I would find it nearly impossible to move on if they passed away.
Heck I still cry at the thought of my 15 year old cat who passed nearly 3 years ago.
Its gonna take time. You may think 5 months is "too long" but its really not at all.

 

[focusondisney]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad 3 years ago. I have a great support system, my DH & kids plus my 5 siblings. I can say the whole first year was horrible. I was very close with my maternal grandparents & I was an adult when they passed. I thought I knew what grief was because of that. But losing a parent is so much worse. There are still days I just miss my dad so much. Since you have a diagnosed disorder, you may need some extra help to get thru it.

 

[lilia78]

I do not think five months is too long. I know it will be a long process as she was my very best friend, we talked daily, often grocery shopped together, bought a lot of the same clothes together and often ended up with the same haircut. She was my person.

My problem is trying to discover the differences for me between grief and depression. I’m worried I’ll ended up in a very dark place if I ended up confusing the two. By this I mean, thinking it’s still grief but ending up in a deep depression that for me is a very hard place to climb out of. I’ll be talking to my doctor about this next week and asking for a referral to a therapist. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a therapist quickly to start trying some coping skills.

 

[fhtpdw20]

Lost DH 3 years ago to cancer. It is going to take some time especially the first year of first holidays, anniversaries, birthday days, mothers or fathers day. It slowly gets better but it will never be the same. There is no "normal" as you knew it. You will develop a new "normal". Every now and again you will still tear up or outright cry and you never know what will trigger it. Could be a smell, a song, or something completely unrelated that just pops a memory. Try to find a grief group. Fortunately, my church had one and the hospice that took care of my husband for two days had one as well. The best advice I can give is to express whatever you feel and don't bottle it up. You will have to deal with it some time or it could come out in other forms in terms of your health or job performance.

 

[lisaviolet]

Lost DH 3 years ago to cancer. It is going to take some time especially the first year of first holidays, anniversaries, birthday days, mothers or fathers day. It slowly gets better but it will never be the same. There is no "normal" as you knew it. You will develop a new "normal". Every now and again you will still tear up or outright cry and you never know what will trigger it. Could be a smell, a song, or something completely unrelated that just pops a memory. Try to find a grief group. Fortunately, my church had one and the hospice that took care of my husband for two days had one as well. The best advice I can give is to express whatever you feel and don't bottle it up. You will have to deal with it some time or it could come out in other forms in terms of your health or job performance.

I am so very sorry.

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I was going to post something very similar lilia.

It doesn't have to be either/or. We don't do ourselves any favour in thinking that there is a beginning and an end to mourning the loss of a loved one. Like it is a book we can somehow close tight one day. It simply changes.

And just like fhtpdw20 already posted, grief can come back at you in moments that you will never ever expect. I remember watching Gary Oldman win his Oscar. Just sitting on a couch watching an awards show. He accepted his Oscar with, "Mom put the kettle on, I will be home soon". I hadn't heard the word kettle for so long. Put the kettle on, put the kettle on, put the kettle on. I heard nothing after, it all just rang through me like an emotional bomb- felt sick to my stomach and thought I was going to fall to the floor (sounds absurdly dramatic but I am far from that). Two seconds earlier I had been F.I.N.E. fine, just watching tv. And suddenly I could hardly breathe from the word kettle!

She is your mother lilia. Life isn't the same - how could it possibly be?

Not to mention that when a loved one is dying, one has no time to process the emotions surrounding those days, their care, the shock of it all. You are simply dealing at the time. You just have to do. Getting through each and every day.

-----------------

Now I am going to add something completely different. Because two distinct thoughts can be true. You are smart to be conscious of where you are and where you could be going lilia. I hear very clearly that you know where you can go and where you don't want to go regarding your bipolar condition. This brings an added concern as it could lead into what professionals call complicated grief.

I guess I am simply adding that I think you are showing great health to recognize the added aspects. And to reach out.

It is okay to grieve AND be aware of where it is taking you.

I am so very sorry lilia.

 

[dish rag]

I am so very sorry.

----------------

I was going to post something very similar lilia.

It doesn't have be either/or. We don't do ourselves any favour in thinking that there is a beginning and an end to mourning the loss of a loved one. Like it is a book we can somehow close tight one day. It simply changes.

And just like fhtpdw20 already posted, grief can come back at you in moments that you will never ever expect. I remember watching Gary Oldman win his Oscar. Just sitting on a couch watching an awards show. He accepted his Oscar with, "Mom put the kettle on, I will be home soon". I hadn't heard the word kettle for so long. Put the kettle on, put the kettle on, put the kettle on, put the kettle on. I heard nothing after, it all just rang through me like an emotional bomb- felt sick to my stomach and thought I was going to fall to the floor (sounds absurdly dramatic but I am far from that). Two seconds earlier I had been F.I.N.E. fine, just watching tv. And suddenly I could hardly breathe from the word kettle!

She was your mother lilia and life isn't the same - how could it possibly be?

Not to mention that when a loved one is dying, one has no time to process the emotions surrounding those days, their care, the shock of it all. You are simply dealing at the time. You just have to do. Getting through each and every day.

-----------------

Now I am going to add something completely different. Because two distinct thoughts can be true. You are smart to be conscious of where you are and where you could be going lilia. I hear very clearly that you know where you can go and where you don't want to go regarding your bipolar condition. This brings an added concern as it could lead into what professionals call complicated grief.

I guess I am simply adding that I think you are showing great health to recognize the added aspects. And to reach out.

It is okay to grieve AND be aware of where it is taking you.

I am so very sorry lilia.

Spot on and amazing as usual, LisaV

 

[Klayfish]

-----------------

Now I am going to add something completely different. Because two distinct thoughts can be true. You are smart to be conscious of where you are and where you could be going lilia. I hear very clearly that you know where you can go and where you don't want to go regarding your bipolar condition. This brings an added concern as it could lead into what professionals call complicated grief.

I guess I am simply adding that I think you are showing great health to recognize the added aspects. And to reach out.

It is okay to grieve AND be aware of where it is taking you.

I am so very sorry lilia.

Yes, this is the part that I'd agree with 110%. Being conscious of where you are and where you could be going. It's great you're recognizing it and taking steps to help yourself...whatever form that looks like. Everyone handles stress and grief in their own way, and what's right for one isn't right for another. Recognizing how it's effecting you and finding a way to cope is key.

My mother passed away 15 or so years ago....she wasn't even 60. Cancer. I loved my mother and still miss her. However, for me, I was pretty much back to normal the day she passed. Cancer sucks, it makes people suffer. I had adequate time to process the fact she wasn't going to survive and frankly felt a bit of relief that she was no longer suffering. From that day on, I was able to look back with good memories. But that's just how I handled it.

Do what's right for you. Trust your instincts and your feelings. They will steer you in the right direction.

 

[mjkacmom]

Besides college, I’ve lived within a half mile of my parents for 50 years. I saw my mom daily, and talked to her on the phone several times a day. It’s been almost 3 years since she passed from a 4 month battle with cancer. I’ll let you know when it gets better. Sorry for your loss.

 

[clutter]

I do not think five months is too long. I know it will be a long process as she was my very best friend, we talked daily, often grocery shopped together, bought a lot of the same clothes together and often ended up with the same haircut. She was my person.

My problem is trying to discover the differences for me between grief and depression. I’m worried I’ll ended up in a very dark place if I ended up confusing the two. By this I mean, thinking it’s still grief but ending up in a deep depression that for me is a very hard place to climb out of. I’ll be talking to my doctor about this next week and asking for a referral to a therapist. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a therapist quickly to start trying some coping skills.

My dd has anxiety issues, and they have taken her to some very dark places. Even though she is doing great, I will always worry about what would happen to her if something was to happen to me.

So as a mom, I'm absolutely certain that her biggest wish for you is for you to be proactive about taking care of yourself now that she's gone. Your mom would be so proud and happy.

 

[fhtpdw20]

Just another thought, it helped me to get out of the house and to do something for others. With the coming holidays, try to do something new in honor of your mom. Maybe volunteer visitor at a nursing home. Being busy helped me not to focus on all my time missing DH. I am thankful too that I had a full-time third shift job that helped of the nights. A lot of the folks in my grief group also adopted pets for companionship as nights were the worst for them.

DH was cremated, so there were times in the beginning I would sit and rock with his urn in my arms. I may sound crazy to some, but he sits on my dresser in my bedroom and occasionally I will talk to his urn or some days I kiss my finger and touch his urn. It brings me comfort so who cares what anyone else thinks. Do what you need to do to take care of you. It sounds like you have a good basic plan. You can also post here for support as well.

 

[lilia78]

Thank to everyone who has taken the time to post their stories and words of wisdoms.

 

[SaintsManiac]

How long does it take to feel back to ‘normal’ after losing someone close to you?

A bit of background I am 40 years old and my whole life I’ve never lived farther than 8 miles from my parents. On July 30 2017 out of the complete blue we found out that my Mom had stage 4 cancer. She did what she could to fight it but because of the stage and where it was treatment was not much of an option and we were told by day 2 they would just be looking at palliative care for her. She was in and out of hospitals for a few months and did two rounds of chemo which didn’t work. In November she came home and on February 15 she moved into the nursing home for palliative care as it was to a point that we could no longer offer her 24 hour care at home. She passed away peacefully on June 1st with my older brother and I by her side.

It is now almost 5 months later and everyday I am still expecting to talk to her or see her. I also have moments where it feels as though I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t get out. I cry multiple times a day and am extremely depressed.

While I know everyone grieves differently I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is normal or if I am entering a bipolar state. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my 20’s and am medicated. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for next Tuesday to discuss this and other medical issues.

Thank you in advance for any words of advise or wisdom you may have for me.

First of all I am sorry for your loss.

My mom died January 17th, 2015. I still want to talk to her every single day. It took me 3 years to get past the most difficult stages of it.

She was very, very ill and I was with her when she died in hospice.

We spoke every day, multiple times a day. We read the same books and watched the same TV shows and she was also a Saints "maniac."

I miss my mom every day and I hate that my daughter barely remembers her. It does get easier over time, I promise. I'm glad you have an appointment to discuss these things.

There is no timeline for grief. We all grieve in our own way. I know that my mom is no longer suffering and that really did help me get through to the other side of the pain.

I wish you well.

P.S. Finding these boards and planning my WDW trips really helped me get through the hardest times.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

What I’ve learned since losing my father two years ago is this...
As much as we’re taught that grief is a linear process following a specific order of emotions, it’s not. You can go through all of the steps in one hour, one day, one year or you can get stuck on a step for any amount of time and end up back in the first stage. So as much as we think that once we complete the stages and end up at “acceptance”, we really don’t. We might accept the loss of a loved one at one point in time, but it doesn’t always remain that way.

If you’re finding yourself struggling there is no shame in reaching out for help. We’re not born with the ability to cope with such strong emotions, sometimes we need some guidance. I wish you the best.

 

[Simba's Mom]

How long does it take to feel back to ‘normal’ after losing someone close to you?



It is now almost 5 months later and everyday I am still expecting to talk to her or see her. I also have moments where it feels as though I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t get out. I cry multiple times a day and am extremely depressed.


Thank you in advance for any words of advise or wisdom you may have for me.

Sometimes you grieve more at 5 months than when the death first happens. That's what I was told by counselors about 5 months after my son died many years ago. When he first died, they said, you develop a protective "shell" around you. But after a few months the "shell" starts peeling away, allowing the grief out. At least that's what they said to explain why at 4-5 months, everything felt so much worse. The first year is the hardest-"Last year at this time we [did this]".