Severely need advice

[mousefan73]

After reading all these posts, I would hesitate to 100% label him an alcoholic. Couples theraphy is the way to go.

IMO OP might be influenced by her dislike of any drinking. And it seems he has some sleep issues.


Also vomiting from drinking on rare occasion is also no red flag. Heck I vomited last fall after a winefest!! Simply was having a great time and got caught over edulging.

 

[clutter]

In a nutshell: you unilaterally made the decision that neither of you would drink alcohol, for reasons that you cannot explain. His response, rather than have a discussion with you, is to start hiding his alcoholic consumption. I'm guessing that alcohol is not the only aspect of your life that this dynamic is playing out, its just the first one that you all have noticed.

So yeah, given the fact that you all will be having a baby in a few months, I do hope you get some couples therapy. It's pretty clear that you aren't really communicating well with each other. I hope that it really helps and that you all have a happy and healthy baby.

 

[Squirlz]

The acting loopy doesn’t happen when he’s been drinking. I tried explaining that but I’m not sure if it came across correctly. He only acts that way after he has been asleep for an hour and gets woken up. He doesn’t act this way before going to bed. He gets slightly annoying but I think that is something common for people who have been drinking.

This is a result of going to bed drunk. It has happened to me. Once I got into bed just fine, and a while later got up to go to the bathroom. I promptly got lost in the bathroom. I couldn't find the light switch, couldn't find the door. It made no sense at the time.

 

[ShayBells]

After reading all these posts, I would hesitate to 100% label him an alcoholic. Couples theraphy is the way to go.

IMO OP might be influenced by her dislike of any drinking. And it seems he has some sleep issues.


Also vomiting from drinking on rare occasion is also no red flag. Heck I vomited last fall after a winefest!! Simply was having a great time and got caught over edulging.

I agree. This is very true he could not be an alcoholic but he wants to drink so bad that he’s hiding it which could be an issue in itself. And lying about anything doesn’t help in any relationship. Hiding something is a whole new level and there lies the big red flag that we all jump on and think alcoholic.

I agree with others I hope you two can get into couples therapy and come out on the other side stronger and happier. It could be just what you two need.

But I will say one thing. You should prepare yourself that one of you has to give. If he’s not an alcoholic, can he never drink again to be with you if you are set on this rule, or is having a beer every once awhile with dinner or on weekends out in the open going to be okay with you? You both can’t win if you have a hard no about drinking and he has a hard yes about wanting it. If one of you won’t bend (and be okay with it without resentment) or meet in the middle, you’re already doomed.

 

[RamblingMad]

In a nutshell: you unilaterally made the decision that neither of you would drink alcohol, for reasons that you cannot explain. His response, rather than have a discussion with you, is to start hiding his alcoholic consumption. I'm guessing that alcohol is not the only aspect of your life that this dynamic is playing out, its just the first one that you all have noticed.

So yeah, given the fact that you all will be having a baby in a few months, I do hope you get some couples therapy. It's pretty clear that you aren't really communicating well with each other. I hope that it really helps and that you all have a happy and healthy baby.

I did the same thing. My reason: healthy living. You prematurely age when you consume alcohol. I don’t want to be with someone that needs alcohol to cope with life’s ups and downs. And I know plenty of Mormon that do just fine without alcohol in their lives.

The problem is that she got married to someone that should have just said no. They’re obviously too weak willed to handle this one simple request that their not worth it. What other future promises will he let her down on in the future?

And it will much easier to find someone new in her 30s than her 40s.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don’t get why so few drinks can affect him the way it does. He refuses to go see someone and thinks he has it under control but he clearly doesn’t.

Alcohol impacts everyone differently. There are however people who metabolize alcohol quicker than others. There's also disorders where people consume things like yeast which their body interprets as alcohol therefore they have symptoms. Me saying this isn't to diagnose your husband but rather to say it could be or it may not be just alcohol or that he's drinking in extreme excess.

After talking to a doctor she told him it was depression and lack of sleep. So we went off that and worked on those issues but the “loopiness” continued.

Well if you're not fully honest with the doctor they can't give a knoweledgable diagnosis. Were you there with him at the doctor's office?

I then found A LOT of hidden bottles and cans in our basement like he had stockpiled them over time.

Well yeah this sounds like you were turning a blind eye to something probably because you didn't want to think what it could mean.

Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there.

This to me is honestly the biggest factor in the success of your relationship. If you're not ok with any alcohol consumption but he would like to be able to drink you're forever going to be at odds. Even if you remove the idea that alcoholism is behind this and you don't even figure that into the equation if you don't want drinking but he does it can lead to problems. You have to be on the same page as that. You don't even have to be outward about your viewpoint for him to pick up on how he knows you would feel. I'm a bit up in the air though because you've known each other for long enough to know this was not something you really liked to begin with. Doesn't take an alcoholic for you to have marital or even just relationship problems.

I've got two people I know that don't drink alcohol but they couldn't be further from each other in their approaches to alcohol. One is very vocal about other people's consumption of it, the other is a live and let live kind of person. The live and let live is in a marriage with a person who does drink alcohol.

I know this for a fact because he actually used to and it seemed like it was making things worse.

What medication was it for? Certain medications have latent side effects, etc And was the medication for something that would impact your husband as he's not taking it?

At this point, I’m willing to believe him.

You're just getting yourself back into that cycle though.

We made the decision together that he has two months to show me he can change.

This is probably the last thing I would have done

1) you don't have any medical diagnosis
2) that's an extremely short time to make a change especially one with any sort of long term outcomes
3) if there is something medically wrong (be it alcoholism or something else) placing a time limit on this is asking for relapse or struggles with dealing with it. Behavior takes time to change and if it's something medically other than alcoholism it could take an undetermined time period to work with it. Alcoholism itself, if that's what it is, is a life-long day to day working at it thing.

I echo the advice others have given--you both need counseling even if it was just alcohol but there are underlying things that are a problem and will continue to be a problem. Good vibes sent your way

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I did the same thing. My reason: healthy living. You prematurely age when you consume alcohol. I don’t want to be with someone that needs alcohol to cope with life’s ups and downs. And I know plenty of Mormon that do just fine without alcohol in their lives.

The problem is that she got married to someone that should have just said no. They’re obviously too weak willed to handle this one simple request that their not worth it. What other future promises will he let her down on in the future?

And it will much easier to find someone new in her 30s than her 40s.

OR you know both partners get into a relationship they can handle.

If the OP can't handle the alcohol for whatever reason that their partner would be drinking don't stay in that relationship--certainly not for 9 years and absolutely don't get married and then have a child.

If the OP's husband can't handle not drinking any alcohol for whatever reason that their partner would not be drinking don't stay in that relationship-certainly not for 9 years and absolutely don't get married and then have a child.

You're very one-sided in your viewpoint but it always takes two to tango here. Both made decisions to stay in the relationship knowing how the other felt.

 

[handinpocket]

Sounds like the OP has unrealistic views on alcohol. Dictating how a grown adult lives their life will surely backfire. 3-4 beers is literally nothing for a grown man, no reason to clutch pearls. I wake up out of a dead sleep plenty and can not form a coherent sentence and I am stone, cold sober at the time.

I wish you well OP, but I would definitely leave someone who was trying to control what I put in my body. Especially, if there was no addiction, just an irrational dislike from the other person.

 

[morgan98]

You guys need some marriage counseling. Your issues run deeper than you think they do.

Find a LMFT in your area and make an appointment.

www.psychologytoday.com

I agree about the issues running deeper. And this is nothing OP about trying to place any of the blame on you.

First of all, I would be somewhat suspect of someone who appears to be an alcoholic just saying I started to read I book and I am going to stop. This is somewhat typical behavior of an addict. And it is also very telling that you admit to be controlling, the relationship at one point was smothering, etc. So there are obviously a few other underlying issues that are festering.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The whole not knowing what he’s saying or doing only happens after he’s been asleep and wakes up again after sleeping for about an hour or less. It’s always when he wakes up and has to go to the bathroom. Again this doesn’t happen all the time but happens more frequently than the puking. It only happens when he forgets to go to the bathroom before bed.

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop. Normally he’s a quieter guy and he says that’s because I talk so much (which I’ve been working on because I really do talk too much). He’ll get all lovey and then when he notices I’m annoyed and don’t respond he’ll say “fine I just won’t talk” and gets pouty. This literally happens like every weekend now. It’s like he’s a child. When he gets this way I just try to force him to go to bed.

I had posted earlier, but I hadn't really read this, above...
Two things here really jump out at me.
I am not buying the 'forgets to go to the bathroom' thing as any kind of normal situation or behavior.
Many people have to get up at night to go to the bathroom (think about pregnant women!!!)
There are such things as sleep disorders and sleep-walking. But this does not sound like what is going on, to me. And, it has not been mentioned that there has been any further testing or sleep specialist.
I hate to even post this, but I will go out on a limb, and I would go and search the bathroom(s) in a way that no bathroom has ever been searched.
The second thing that jumps out at me, and truly concerns me, are those last words quoted above. "try to force him to go to bed". That is just not a normal or positive or functional dynamic. Not at all. This seems like their might be some heavier relationship issues here than you might realize.

I am also curious about the 'chatty-annoying-lovey' thing....
I have seen those who just run their mouth, talk more loudly, etc... when drinking.
Usually, that is followed by becoming like sleepy and just kind of passing out in a way. Alcohol is like a type of sedative.
If this is followed by mood swings and becoming angry, etc... That would indicate a problem.

I would suspect that alcohol is not the only issue.
There could be other mental/neurological issues.
There could be issues with other substances.
And, the personal relationship issues as well.
The four ingredients above are not a recipe for success.

I think that this is a very complex situation that can't really be addressed on a chat board.
The end-game is that he (and you as well) need to admit that there are some serious problems, and take very real steps and changes.

 

[RamblingMad]

OR you know both partners get into a relationship they can handle.

If the OP can't handle the alcohol for whatever reason that their partner would be drinking don't stay in that relationship--certainly not for 9 years and absolutely don't get married and then have a child.

If the OP's husband can't handle not drinking any alcohol for whatever reason that their partner would not be drinking don't stay in that relationship-certainly not for 9 years and absolutely don't get married and then have a child.

You're very one-sided in your viewpoint but it always takes two to tango here. Both made decisions to stay in the relationship knowing how the other felt.

He did a really good job of hiding it, or she ignored the signs for way too long. Either way she’ll either get divorced now or after the kids grow up.

If she waits to get divorced, she’ll find herself in her 40s dating 60 year old men. Younger men are going to want to be with a woman that can have kids. This is what I see with all of my divorced 40 something or greater.

If they can work it out great, but given that he will intentionally hide stuff from her, I doubt it.

 

[morgan98]

I did the same thing. My reason: healthy living. You prematurely age when you consume alcohol. I don’t want to be with someone that needs alcohol to cope with life’s ups and downs. And I know plenty of Mormon that do just fine without alcohol in their lives.

The problem is that she got married to someone that should have just said no. They’re obviously too weak willed to handle this one simple request that their not worth it. What other future promises will he let her down on in the future?

And it will much easier to find someone new in her 30s than her 40s.

OK choosing to drink or not drink is fine. However, I think you too have an extreme view of any alcohol. I drink socially and I like wine with good food. I can guarantee you that I have not aged poorly or have health issues due to moderate alcohol consumption.

I guess I am "too weak willed to handle this one simple request" because I would never marry anyone who would forbid me from having a drink. There I said it.

Yes, if the OP cannot really deal with her spouse drinking, then I agree she should leave sooner rather than later.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He did a really good job of hiding it, or she ignored the signs for way too long. Either way she’ll either get divorced now or after the kids grow up.

If she waits to get divorced, she’ll find herself in her 40s dating 60 year old men. Younger men are going to want to be with a woman that can have kids. This is what I see with all of my divorced 40 something or greater.

If they can work it out great, but given that he will intentionally hide stuff from her, I doubt it.

You missed this piece of information then: "Dh says he wants to drink occasionally which I was against but I tried being okay with a couple here and there."

Right there and then you make the decision. Sounds like you wouldn't be in a relationship if someone didn't have the same viewpoint on alcohol as you do as it's sounding like its your hill to die on.

The OP already knew that the husband would like to be able to have alcohol here and there but didn't really like it. Alcoholism is not actually the issue in that respect.

You can say "I'm against alcohol period" or say "I'm ok with alcohol but not to the point of alcoholism" or some other viewpoint.

Your comment was "They’re obviously too weak willed to handle this one simple request that their not worth it." It's not a simple request especially as one would be commiting long term to this. Both made this commitment knowing what the other one felt; both would then be too weak willed to handle the one simple request (hers that they both not drink and his that he drink every now and then) you just pinned it all on the husband.

 

[RamblingMad]

OK choosing to drink or not drink is fine. However, I think you too have an extreme view of any alcohol. I drink socially and I like wine with good food. I can guarantee you that I have not aged poorly or have health issues to do moderate alcohol consumption.

I guess I am "too weak willed to handle this one simple request" because I would never marry anyone who would forbid me from having a drink. There I said it.

Yes, if the OP cannot really deal with her spouse drinking, then I agree she should leave sooner rather than later.

Like I said I know plenty of Mormon that don’t drink that are doing just fine. It’s not extreme. However, drinking standards are different throughout the country. I see more excessive drinking in the south than any other region in the country.

If she lives in the south, she’s going to have a tougher time finding a dry husband than say in Utah, where drinking is less the norm.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Maybe he has a substance abuse problem, maybe not.

He does, however, have a problem with the truth. And he pretty masterfully guilt-tripped the OP to the point that she's willing to take all the blame for it.

I don't think, at this point, it is necessary to throw the towel in on the relationship. I definitely would seek therapy. But I do think she needs to draw her line in the sand and demand honesty.

 

[RamblingMad]

Good article to keep the discussion honest.

https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/...c-q-and-a-is-daily-drinking-problem-drinking/

 

[morgan98]

Like I said I know plenty of Mormon that don’t drink that are doing just fine. It’s not extreme. However, drinking standards are different throughout the country. I see more excessive drinking in the south than any other region in the country.

If she lives in the south, she’s going to have a tougher time finding a dry husband than say in Utah, where drinking is less the norm.

I too know Mormons that don't drink - that is fine and their choice. I am a native of Chicago, but live in the South. There are many more non drinkers here than in the circles I ran with up there.

My mother was born in Italy. I grew up around people who drank socially and had wine with dinner. Has not one thing to do about where I live.

People have different views of alcohol that is for sure.

From the OPs posts, it sounds like she sort of agreed that the two of them would NEVER drink. Not so sure the husband ever really agreed to that.

 

[AllyReggie]

Like I said I know plenty of Mormon that don’t drink that are doing just fine. It’s not extreme. However, drinking standards are different throughout the country. I see more excessive drinking in the south than any other region in the country.

If she lives in the south, she’s going to have a tougher time finding a dry husband than say in Utah, where drinking is less the norm.

Just a fun fact, I am a jackmormon (raised mormon, grew up in the church, mother is still mormon though no one else in my family is)

Members of the church are NOT saints and perfect because they don't drink alcohol, and in my experience a lot of them cope in much less healthy ways and do things just as, if not more destructive because they refuse alcohol.

I also saw a lot of people hiding their drinking. From spouses, children and church leadership because they wanted to drink but were afraid of the retribution of others. Banning things and unequivocally demonizing them has not worked, in my experience and ends up with people who have lying or deceptive complexes.

After awhile I had to leave that church because I found so many of the people I thought were my friends were lying about nearly their entire lives just to keep up appearances as the perfect LDS people. They would demean me for my transgressions, but it would always come out that they had skeletons in their closet they wouldn't confront.

I'm not saying being mormon is bad, or that mormons are bad, I am just saying - you can't say its the perfect way to live because there will always be the human element of choice and the fear of consequence. It rarely works for the majority of people, in my experience.

Reasonably healthy, able minded folks should be capable of controlling themselves regardless of the vice. If they can't, it has more to do with their mental and physical health than it has to do with being "weak willed" or not being good enough. People who feel beholden to a set of rules just because someone else wants to live their life a certain way are doomed to covet what they cannot have.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Like I said I know plenty of Mormon that don’t drink that are doing just fine. It’s not extreme. However, drinking standards are different throughout the country. I see more excessive drinking in the south than any other region in the country.

If she lives in the south, she’s going to have a tougher time finding a dry husband than say in Utah, where drinking is less the norm.

I know plenty of Amish who don’t drive cars that are doing just fine. Yet, when I tell my husband he isn’t allowed to drive due to the known risks, he acts like I’m crazy. I keep telling him it’s not an extreme point of view — he could walk or take public transit, but he still insists he’s a grown man who should have the freedom to make that decision for himself even though I’m staunchly against him driving a car.

See how ridiculous that argument is?

Mormons choose for themselves not to drink because they (theoretically, at least) agree with the belief structure of their religion. They don’t get to impose those beliefs on others who do not agree, which is the problem with the OP and her husband. She is anti-alcohol for reasons she can’t even explain, and she has imposed that limitation on a husband who doesn’t agree with it. When one feels strongly about a particular issue, especially if those views are to the far end of the spectrum, it’s best to find a partner that shares those views. This is an issue that should’ve been addressed when they first started dating. From what the OP has said, it sounds like she unilaterally made this decision and he just kinda spinelessly went along with it instead of being honest about how he felt. They both made mistakes in how they handled this.

 

[Chickinvic]

The thing that I’ve been noticing more often is the free talking and mood swings. It’s gotten to the point where I dread weekends because that’s when I notice it most. He’ll come home from work on Friday and talk nonstop.

This sounds like cocaine use to me, or possibly bipolar disorder.