Adoption language on a form - vent!

[golfgal]

As a preschool teacher I can think of absolutely no reason I would need to know if a child is adopted.

I need to know who the legal guardian is and who has permission to pick the child up from school. We have to see an original birth certificate in order to register the child. If there is some bizarre situation, we might need to see a custody decree, although I don't think it's ever happened at our school. We have been shown restraining orders against non-custodial parents regarding pick-up privileges.

We do ask who the child lives with though, including siblings or "extended" family.

I actually think asking if a child is adopted is a violation of privacy. Many parents (although fewer in this day and age) still don't wish their child to know that they are not "natural" children. (I much prefer biological. All children are natural.)

How is it a violation of privacy if you are already asking for their birth certificate? It will show the birth parents--wouldn't you wonder why those names are different then the parents signing the child up for class--thus needing the adoption information?

 

[Breezie]

I'll state again what I've stated before:

Some people do actually walk around actively looking for something silly to be offended by!

I think that is completely untrue. No one here is scouring the newspapers looking for terms we deem offensive. What I do know is that I've seen many children who were adopted who are made to feel inferior by terminology and even adults! It may not mean a thing to you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect other people.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why is it their business how you "acquired" (for lack of a better word) your child? As long as I have proof that he/she is mine then it shouldn't matter if L. Ron Hubbard transported them here on an alien spacecraft. I swear- school registration is ridiculous. You have to give them so much information that I wouldn't be surprised if they could replicate my DNA.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

As a teacher, information like this is invaluable to me. I do teach a higher grade (fifth), but we do a whole unit on genetics. Obviously, we talk about why you look like your parents since this is what genetics is all about. There is almost always someone who is adopted or has a parent who was adopted or who has adopted siblings in my class. We talk about why they don't look like their real parents (the ones that are raising them ie have adopted them) and that they got their genes from their birth parents. I stress very strongly that your real parents are the ones you live with and that's what makes a family, not your DNA. For kids that are adopted, I always mention this unit to their parents in the fall and then give them a heads up call when we do it. (I happen to be teaching this unit right now.) That way, the parents can prepare the child that we are going to be discussing genetics. I've had some kids who have no problem talking about why they don't look like their parents, and I have some kids who won't lift their head up during this discussion. For me, that's why I think it's relevant. Just my .02.

Yeah now regardless of how you stressed it after the fact merely saying the term "real parents" would burn the tar out of me if I was an adoptive parent.

 

[Merriwind]

Just because a form (school, doctor, wherever) asks for information doesn't mean you have to provide it. I leave items blank when I don't believe the organization needs the information.

 

[RealMickeysGirl]

I don't have any kids so this is nothing I have had to deal with but the term "natural" is what would upset me.

All children are natural.

Maybe they should say biological but some people might not like that either.

I would be tempted to put other and in the description put MINE.

 

[storzo]

How is it a violation of privacy if you are already asking for their birth certificate? It will show the birth parents--wouldn't you wonder why those names are different then the parents signing the child up for class--thus needing the adoption information?

My DS's birth certificate lists my DH and me as the parents. And yes, he is adopted.

 

[Jen414]

What about a kid who doesn't yet know s/he is adopted, but you know b/c of the forms? Can you envision a teacher letting that slip and causing all kinds of grief? I can. There are other ways to teach genetics. Like fruit flies or pea plants.

Honestly, no, I can't envision letting it "slip". First, I have never had a child that I knew was adopted and they didn't. If a parent did share that info with me, I would still let them know I was doing the genetic unit, still give them a heads up call, and still teach the unit. I would imagine that if the adopted child didn't know they were adopted, then they must look "somewhat" like their parents. In other words, it would not be an Asian child with Caucasian parents. If a parent gives me information that they do not want their child to know about, they I don't share it. Period, end of story.

I do talk about pea plants and fruit flies. What kids this age want to know though is why they look the way they look. They can relate much better to this then they can to fruit flies. When teaching children, it's best to make connections to their world, and most kids don't have pea plants or fruit flies in their world.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

How is it a violation of privacy if you are already asking for their birth certificate? It will show the birth parents--wouldn't you wonder why those names are different then the parents signing the child up for class--thus needing the adoption information?

New birth certificates are issued when an adoption is finalized. My dd's birth certificate lists dh and me as her parents, and makes no mention of her birth parents.

Rockinmama, you are not being silly or looking to be offended. There is no valid reason that a school needs to know that a child was adopted. (To those who keep saying "is adopted", it's an event, not a condition ) Though I can see where custody issues are a concern, once the child is legally adopted, there are no custody issues.

To teachers who find the information valuable wrt genetics lessons, I see your point, but can't you just as easily send a note home to all parents explaining that the lesson is coming up and to discuss with their child and/or let you know if they have any concerns due to adoption or otherwise? You could just as likely have kids in your class who are the result of sperm or egg donation, or a one-night stand with the milkman! Whether or not you know that someone in the class may have been adopted, you can still mention other ways of forming families and that not everyone will look like the parents who are raising them.

 

[Jen414]

Yeah now regardless of how you stressed it after the fact merely saying the term "real parents" would burn the tar out of me if I was an adoptive parent.

Would it be better to always refer to parents who have adopted children as "adopted parents"? I'm not asking to get anyone angry, I'm asking because I thought that real parents would be the more sensitive term as opposed to always calling them adopted parents? Aren't your real parents the ones who care for you and provide for you and raise you? Is birth parent the correct term for the biological parents who gave the child up? Or is it biological parent? Again, not trying to start a war, just trying to figure out the right/sensitive way to have these discussions with my students.

For the record, I have a cousin who is adopted, and my mother is a birth mother.

 

[INDISMOM]

I understand that this would irritate parents.

That being said, it might be information that is required of them for state funding or grants if the daycare utilitizes those types of things. My mom had to fill out grant forms for a local school and she said it was absolutely ridiciulous what they asked for. A lot of the parents complained about the questions asked on the registration forms, and all the administrators could tell them is that the state is requiring them to provide that information.

I would just call the daycare and ask. If they only want it for their
information, then I would tell them to pound sand.

 

[Jen414]

You could just as likely have kids in your class who are the result of sperm or egg donation, or a one-night stand with the milkman! Whether or not you know that someone in the class may have been adopted, you can still mention other ways of forming families and that not everyone will look like the parents who are raising them.

This is a little above grade 5. We do not talk ever about sex, and certainly not what a one night stand is! I can only imagine the emails I would get from parents on that discussion!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Breezie]

Would it be better to always refer to parents who have adopted children as "adopted parents"? I'm not asking to get anyone angry, I'm asking because I thought that real parents would be the more sensitive term as opposed to always calling them adopted parents? Aren't your real parents the ones who care for you and provide for you and raise you? Is birth parent the correct term for the biological parents who gave the child up? Or is it biological parent? Again, not trying to start a war, just trying to figure out the right/sensitive way to have these discussions with my students.

For the record, I have a cousin who is adopted, and my mother is a birth mother.

I can't answer this from the point of view of a parent, because I don't have any kids- but here's my opinion on it.

I think most parents, that I've been around, who have adopted a child prefer to be known as simply the 'parents' of that child. And that the children's previous 'biological' parents be known as the 'birth parents'. I've been around this a bit, as I worked in a daycare setting. I've also heard of the terms 'first mom' or 'first dad' that some parents like to use.

I realize stuff like this can get a bit wordy, and sometimes seems like too much. But I really think it's helpful for everyone involved. I've seen these terms work wonders in open adoptions. It doesn't normally make anyone feel like an outsider. I think it works better for the children involved too, instead of using terms like 'real parents'.

I'm not an expert on the subject by any means. But I hope that shed some light on my perspective about it.

 

[Mayl]

It has to do with the school needing to know the medical history of the child.

If adopted, there might be a gap in that history, which they would need to know..

Do you know if your child ever had chicken pox for example? Maybe you don't have all the information, maybe you do. They would research that with the parent if the child was adopted.

ZERO need to get so worked up over it. Novel approach here... ASK the school why..

Much better then venting on message boards.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Would it be better to always refer to parents who have adopted children as "adopted parents"? I'm not asking to get anyone angry, I'm asking because I thought that real parents would be the more sensitive term as opposed to always calling them adopted parents? Aren't your real parents the ones who care for you and provide for you and raise you? Is birth parent the correct term for the biological parents who gave the child up? Or is it biological parent? Again, not trying to start a war, just trying to figure out the right/sensitive way to have these discussions with my students.

For the record, I have a cousin who is adopted, and my mother is a birth mother.

We just say "parents". We are our childrens' parents, there is no qualifier needed. If you really have to distinguish in some way, I prefer "adoptive", because to me, both we and dd's birth parents are "real". None of us are imaginary , and the whole business of adoptive parents trying to take over that term, that was once used for birth parents, seems so competitive and silly to me. My dd has parents and birth parents, and we're all real, and we all love her.

"Biological" is usually used for kids who are raised by their biological parents.

This is a little above grade 5. We do not talk ever about sex, and certainly not what a one night stand is! I can only imagine the emails I would get from parents on that discussion!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't mean to discuss it in class! I just meant that you could have kids who don't look like their parents for reasons other than adoption, and they could be sensitive during a genetics lesson, too, whether they know why or not. That's why all parents may appreciate getting a heads up, rather than just adoptive parents.

 

[marlynnp]

I would be tempted to put other and in the description put MINE.

We have a winner!!!

That is the perfect answer

 

[Mouse House Mama]

It has to do with the school needing to know the medical history of the child.

If adopted, there might be a gap in that history, which they would need to know..

Do you know if your child ever had chicken pox for example? Maybe you don't have all the information, maybe you do. They would research that with the parent if the child was adopted.

ZERO need to get so worked up over it. Novel approach here... ASK the school why..

Much better then venting on message boards.

Then they can ask a parent if the child had chicken pox the same way they ask for immunization information.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

It has to do with the school needing to know the medical history of the child.

If adopted, there might be a gap in that history, which they would need to know..

Do you know if your child ever had chicken pox for example? Maybe you don't have all the information, maybe you do. They would research that with the parent if the child was adopted.

ZERO need to get so worked up over it. Novel approach here... ASK the school why..

Much better then venting on message boards.

Many adoptive parents have been the child's legal guardians since the moment they were born and obviously know the child's medical history. Others are given the information for the period of time before the child came home.

If the school is concerned about gaps in health history, that should be covered in the health history portion of the form. I mean, if a parent doesn't know whether their child has had chicken pox, they can answer that question "I don't know". They don't need someone to call them up and say "I see your child was adopted, do you know if he had chicken pox?"

Again, there are other situations where a parent may not have a complete medical history, but they aren't asking on the form "was your child ever out of your custody for a long period of time?"

And it's not up to you to decide who gets to vent about what. I'm sure there are things that bug you that I might think are stupid (if I knew about them ), but I would never say you had ZERO need to talk about it. I would take it in and say "gee, I never realized that might bother someone. I'll try to be more sensitive about it in the future."

 

[ckay87]

double post

 

[Mkrop]

I never noticed it but this was how it was phrased on the entrance form for our Catholic school. My best friend was registering her son for K this year at tha school and was very upset with the wording.

I didnt know what to tell her.