Age to trick-or-treat alone

[Disneylover99]

At the risk of being termed a helicopter parent, I would not let my 11 year old go without an adult in the group. It doesn't have anything to do with the world being a scary place.

My DD is a really good kid, but when she gets excited, she gets impulsive and "amped up." I don't think she'd do anything bad "on purpose" but I could see her being a nuisance -- running through flower beds (and we have a couple of neighbors who'd get really upset about that), or accidentally knocking over a little kid in her rush, or running across a street without looking. 99% of the time, she keeps herself in check.. but Halloween night has all the makings of that 1%. A parent (me or someone else) accompanying the group would be enough to keep her in check.

Quite frankly, I've never had any "bad kids" come to my house trick-or-treating, but I have had a number of the unaccompanied tweens who were probably more rambunctious than their parents would like them to be. They're just having fun, but I don't want MY daughter to become the subject of one of the "poorly behaved trick or treaters" threads that you *know* will be popping up next week.

I don't think you are being a helicopter parent. I think that's a wise move, based on knowing the potential behaviour of your daughter.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

DD hasn't had friends in the neighborhood since she was old enough to trick-or-treat alone, so I haven't really thought through this one. I wouldn't want her out alone on Halloween without someone else at any age - there are too many people driving around who normally wouldn't be there on a random evening, and they are paying more attention to their children than to their driving. I wouldn't go out alone on Halloween either. FWIW, I totally don't understand following your kid in a car in our tiny neighborhood.

Ali is going to be with a friend on Halloween, and I would be fine with them going trick or treating together. I think three-four eleven year olds, are fine, too - safety in numbers. I would tell the friend that you have made your decision based on the maturity level of your child, but that you understand if her daughter won't be joining the group. I don't think I would have even suggested that she accompany the group - I am big on allowing age-appropriate freedom, and it sounds like the girls are looking forward to the experience. With phones and tracking apps, it is hard for kids to really get away from parents anyway.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

At what age would you let your kids trick-or-treat alone with their friends?

My daughter is 11 and this is probably her last year doing it. She and 4 friends want to go without parents. We're OK with it, as are 3 of the other 4 parents, as long as the kids are in a group, have phones, flashlights, etc. The parent of the 4th friend isn't comfortable with that arrangement. We talked yesterday and she assumed I was going with the kids. Her younger son and mine are friends so she thought I would take the older kids and she would take the boys. When I told her I wasn't planning on going, she wasn't happy about it. We kept going back and forth, her asking me if I was going, me saying no. It felt like she was going to keep asking me until my answer agreed with her. Finally I said that if she wasn't comfortable without parental supervision, then she could go with the older kids and her son could come with DS and I. Her answer was " so you're not going with the older kids?" Again, I said no and then ended the call.

Today she texted me and basically repeated what she said yesterday. I told her the same thing, she could go with the kids if she wanted and her son could come with us. She said she would feel better if the older kids had an adult with them, so why wasn't I going? I repeated myself again, and by then I was getting frustrated. Again, I invited her son to come with mine and left it at that. The last thing she said was that she felt 11 was too young to be on their own for security reasons. I haven't heard back yet, so I have no idea what's happening with her kids.

DH and I talked about it a lot when DD first asked if she could go with just her friends. We both started trick-or-treating with friends when we were 10, so we didn't see 11 as too young. I'm frustrated because I feel like this is the other mom's issue, so it should be up to her to supervise the group if it would make her feel better, not me. She told me she's "disappointed" that I'm not as concerned about the kids' safety as she is
because I'm "refusing" to provide proper supervision. I stayed out of the planning that DD did with her friends, as did the other parents. We've only communicated with each other to verify the details and to coordinate where to meet. The kids made all the arrangements, but I did make sure the other parents were on board with the kids being on their own and they're all fine with it.

How have some of you handled these types of situations?

DS went two years ago, with a couple of friends; he was 10 at the time, one friend was 12, the other 9. They were only allowed out in our cul-de-sac, not across the road or anywhere else. They were gone about two hours; after an hour, I called and DS said they decided to follow a pair of kids about half DS's size (and he's small for his age) who were out without any adults. Once they did all the ToTing, the kids had no idea how to get to home! So DS and his friends walked them around one more time, to see if they could find where they lived, and eventually found their house. (Our little area is a giant loop, with 2 streets cutting through the circle, end to end.)

 

[cijay]

At what age would you let your kids trick-or-treat alone with their friends?

My daughter is 11 and this is probably her last year doing it. She and 4 friends want to go without parents. We're OK with it, as are 3 of the other 4 parents, as long as the kids are in a group, have phones, flashlights, etc. The parent of the 4th friend isn't comfortable with that arrangement. We talked yesterday and she assumed I was going with the kids. Her younger son and mine are friends so she thought I would take the older kids and she would take the boys. When I told her I wasn't planning on going, she wasn't happy about it. We kept going back and forth, her asking me if I was going, me saying no. It felt like she was going to keep asking me until my answer agreed with her. Finally I said that if she wasn't comfortable without parental supervision, then she could go with the older kids and her son could come with DS and I. Her answer was " so you're not going with the older kids?" Again, I said no and then ended the call.

Today she texted me and basically repeated what she said yesterday. I told her the same thing, she could go with the kids if she wanted and her son could come with us. She said she would feel better if the older kids had an adult with them, so why wasn't I going? I repeated myself again, and by then I was getting frustrated. Again, I invited her son to come with mine and left it at that. The last thing she said was that she felt 11 was too young to be on their own for security reasons. I haven't heard back yet, so I have no idea what's happening with her kids.

DH and I talked about it a lot when DD first asked if she could go with just her friends. We both started trick-or-treating with friends when we were 10, so we didn't see 11 as too young. I'm frustrated because I feel like this is the other mom's issue, so it should be up to her to supervise the group if it would make her feel better, not me. She told me she's "disappointed" that I'm not as concerned about the kids' safety as she is
because I'm "refusing" to provide proper supervision. I stayed out of the planning that DD did with her friends, as did the other parents. We've only communicated with each other to verify the details and to coordinate where to meet. The kids made all the arrangements, but I did make sure the other parents were on board with the kids being on their own and they're all fine with it.

How have some of you handled these types of situations?

It's all about how much you can trust your kid. Will they stay in well-lit residential areas and not take "shortcuts" up dark alleys and across parks? Will they obey lights and signs? Will they not take rides with or follow strangers? Then they'll be fine. I was five and my brother was 6.

 

[akhenaten]

My dd was 12... With three friends. It was daylight and for a very limited time. When there were tons of kids out.

 

[akhenaten]

It's all about how much you can trust your kid. Will they stay in well-lit residential areas and not take "shortcuts" up dark alleys and across parks? Will they obey lights and signs? Will they not take rides with or follow strangers? Then they'll be fine. I was five and my brother was 6.

I strongly disagree it is more about how much you trust other people....my kids once had a guy open the door with his underwear showing....pants unzipped..... They were older 13/14 in a large group........

5/6 is way to young IMO....it's about much more than being able to safely cross the street....and I think that is much too young for that also, unless I am there to double check as part of learning to cross safely.

 

[brookmey]

Totally dependent on the kid, the area and the friends and could vary depending on different factors.

Obviously you know your kid and her friends and feel comfortable they can handle it without problems. The other mom's behavior is very curious. Clearly she wants the kids supervised but wants you to take the heat for being the one "insisting" on supervising. Nothing more you can do beyond the very reasonable solution you've offered.

I think it sounds like the other mom doesn't want to be "the bad guy"...and wants you to be the mom who insists on tagging along.

I think you both might be right in that she wants me to be "that mom." She put me in a really bad spot last May regarding my daughter's birthday sleepover in an effort to appease her daughter, who was complaining that her mom never listened to her. It caused conflict between my DD and I and I did end up looking like the bad guy to the friend and my daughter. But the funny thing is that when I first mentioned to her weeks ago that the girls wanted to go out on their own, she said then that she didn't want them to go without supervision and she volunteered to do it. I do think in the weeks since that she's gotten some flack from her daughter about it, which is probably why she's pushing for me to go.

 

[zoemurr]

OT a bit.. But why will this be her last year Trick or Treating? DD is a senior and she and her friends are all coordinating their costumes and going out together. As long as they dress up and behave I don't see a problem with it. We have lots of teenagers come out.

 

[aprilgail]

My daughter was 9 the first time she went trick or treating alone with friends - I will admit to having to run out to the "store" just to drive around the block and past them to make sure they were ok.

 

[brookmey]

At the risk of being termed a helicopter parent, I would not let my 11 year old go without an adult in the group. It doesn't have anything to do with the world being a scary place.

My DD is a really good kid, but when she gets excited, she gets impulsive and "amped up." I don't think she'd do anything bad "on purpose" but I could see her being a nuisance -- running through flower beds (and we have a couple of neighbors who'd get really upset about that), or accidentally knocking over a little kid in her rush, or running across a street without looking. On a normal day, she'd be just fine (she isn't the neighborhood hellion or anything), but Halloween night, all bets are off. A parent (me or someone else) accompanying the group would be enough to keep her in check.

Quite frankly, I've never had any "bad kids" come to my house trick-or-treating, but I have had a number of the unaccompanied tweens who were probably more rambunctious than their parents would like them to be. They're just having fun, but I don't want MY daughter to become the subject of one of the "poorly behaved trick or treaters" threads that you *know* will be popping up next week.

ETA: Saying all that, it's MY job to keep an eye on her... and I wouldn't expect someone else to do it.

Your daughter sounds exactly like mine! That is one of the big concerns we had. But, DD's best friend is going, too, so that helped make our decision to let her go. DD's best friend is very laid-back and mellow and she has a calming influence over DD. It's so funny watching them together, because the BFF totally calms DD down, without having to say anything. The BFF is also pretty mature for her age and she brings that out in DD. They're a good match and compliment each other well. If the BFF wasn't going, we would probably would have made the same decision as you, for the same reasons.

 

[Poohforyou]

Dd was in 4th or 5th grade when she went with friends. No kids are out alone on Halloween. Our neighborhood is teeming with parents out with young children. I know dd and her friends could have asked for help if needed.

 

[brookmey]

OT a bit.. But why will this be her last year Trick or Treating? DD is a senior and she and her friends are all coordinating their costumes and going out together. As long as they dress up and behave I don't see a problem with it. We have lots of teenagers come out.

Around here, kids don't really go out after 6th or 7th grade. I'm not really sure why, I think some has to do with the number of churches who hold events on Halloween for older kids. Plus, when Halloween is on a weekday, athletic events are sometimes scheduled. DD wants to play volleyball next year, so it's very possible that she'll have a volleyball game Halloween night.

 

[marlynnp]

<snip>

DH and I talked about it a lot when DD first asked if she could go with just her friends. We both started trick-or-treating with friends when we were 10, so we didn't see 11 as too young. I'm frustrated because I feel like this is the other mom's issue, so it should be up to her to supervise the group if it would make her feel better, not me. She told me she's "disappointed" that I'm not as concerned about the kids' safety as she is
because I'm "refusing" to provide proper supervision. I stayed out of the planning that DD did with her friends, as did the other parents. We've only communicated with each other to verify the details and to coordinate where to meet. The kids made all the arrangements, but I did make sure the other parents were on board with the kids being on their own and they're all fine with it.

How have some of you handled these types of situations?

I would have responded to her with the following.

Wow. So when you don't get your way, you decide insulting me will get you results? Does that often work for you?
My husband and I along with the Brown's, Smith's and Miller's all believe allowing the to girls to go out as a group is fostering independence that is appropriate for their age and level of maturity.

 

[aprilchem]

OT a bit.. But why will this be her last year Trick or Treating? DD is a senior and she and her friends are all coordinating their costumes and going out together. As long as they dress up and behave I don't see a problem with it. We have lots of teenagers come out.

I think it was determined on another thread that this is a regional thing. Where I live TOT ends at age 12. We rarely get a teenager TOTing and most houses won't give them candy anyway.

 

[usnuzuloose]

In MYHO, knowing how this mother is, I would not let her know any of your plans with your kids. It will stop all confrontations about this issue for future issues.

 

[leebee]

I think DD was probably 13 when the girls finally went out alone BUT... DD's best friend's birthday is on Halloween, and the friend is 2 years younger than DD. Our standard Halloween operating procedure is to leave a big bowl on non-chocolate treats on our porch, then go over to the friend's house to celebrate the birthday. Our families are close, so usually DD, her bff, and several other friends (who are all 2 years younger than DD) would all have "supper" around 5, then get dressed to trick or treat. While the girls dressed, the dads would have something to eat (and drink ) and then be ready to follow the girls around. The moms would eat supper leisurely and answer the door when ToTers arrived. TBH, I think the dads had as much fun as the girls! After ToTing, the girls would come back to the birthday girl's house for b-day cake and ice cream, because we all need more sugar on Halloween, right?

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think the standard in my neighborhood is about 4th grade.

When the mom asked me again, expecting a different answer after I'd already said no, I like to think I would have said something like this (though it would have depended on how nervy I was feeling as the moment):

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty. My husband and I, the _____'s and the _____'s have all decided that trick-or-treating in a group is an appropriate amount of independence for our daughters. If you don't want your daughter to join them, that's between you and her."

 

[cabanafrau]

I think you both might be right in that she wants me to be "that mom." She put me in a really bad spot last May regarding my daughter's birthday sleepover in an effort to appease her daughter, who was complaining that her mom never listened to her. It caused conflict between my DD and I and I did end up looking like the bad guy to the friend and my daughter. But the funny thing is that when I first mentioned to her weeks ago that the girls wanted to go out on their own, she said then that she didn't want them to go without supervision and she volunteered to do it. I do think in the weeks since that she's gotten some flack from her daughter about it, which is probably why she's pushing for me to go.

Oh yeah, you've been burned once. Don't volunteer to take the heat again.

Don't be surprised to see this girl make a dramatic change over the next two to three years unfortunately. It seems inevitably when I've crossed paths with these moms over the years their kids rebel more and more in the middle school years or on entry to high school. The clashes get nasty and the kids generally wind up going very, very wrong, at least for a period of time to spite mom. A lot of these kids wind up behaving in ways that you won't want your kid hanging around with. DD has a good friend she's been close with since kindergarten. Luckily the kid has kept her head on straight despite mom's completely irrational demands -- including refusing her daughter the invitation to be in NHS, among other great opportunities. She's currently looking for a way to go to college far out state, but she's going to have to either go in debt or get a great financial package. It's sad.

 

[brookmey]

I think the standard in my neighborhood is about 4th grade.

When the mom asked me again, expecting a different answer after I'd already said no, I like to think I would have said something like this (though it would have depended on how nervy I was feeling as the moment):

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty. My husband and I, the _____'s and the _____'s have all decided that trick-or-treating in a group is an appropriate amount of independence for our daughters. If you don't want your daughter to join them, that's between you and her."

That would've been a perfect response if I had thought about it at the time! But that's where I'm at now. If the friend doesn't come, it's not going to stop my daughter and her other friends from going.

Our girls have been friends since kindergarten, so I've gotten to know the mom pretty well. Plus, our sons are good friends, too. But in the last year or so, DH and I have been hoping that the girls' friendship would fizzle out when they reached junior high, mainly because the friend has been a hot/cold friend to DD. At the end of 5th grade the mom pulled both her kids out of school and is now homeschooling and next month they're moving to a new home about 30 minutes away. I'm sure when that happens the friendships will die out, which we're OK with.

 

[cijay]

I strongly disagree it is more about how much you trust other people....my kids once had a guy open the door with his underwear showing....pants unzipped..... They were older 13/14 in a large group........

5/6 is way to young IMO....it's about much more than being able to safely cross the street....and I think that is much too young for that also, unless I am there to double check as part of learning to cross safely.

We had a flasher too. Just wondering what the police did to the flasher? Our flasher was transient so yours would have been an easier case because they knew where he lived.

But we crossed the streets every day to get to school and go to friends' houses, so what difference would one more night make? We pushed buttons and waited for traffic to stop,we knew traffic safety and to stay in well lit areas, if someone grabbed your candybag (usually older kids) to let go of it etc.