Am I wasting my time..and my life?

[Katie]

I have been married for 15 yrs on Thursday. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs. The last yr has been mostly downs. I suspected an EA which he denies! However, I caught him in too many lies for this relationship to purely plantonic. Anyway, that relationship ended as soon as I spoke of my fears and suspisions.

However, ever since then(like 8-10 mos). He has been more of a roomate than a husband. Sex which was never a problem in the past..is seldom..and I am usually the agressor(which is definiately different!!) He spends most of his free time with the kids(16,10,8). When we do go out alone..it seems like we have to struggle to keep a conversation going unless It concerns the children. He does NOT want to communicate about anything. He is verbally abusive 75% of the time to me..infront of the children. Which frightens me..because I don't want my sons to think this is acceptable behavior or my daughter to think that it is OK to be treated like that.

I never know if MR.Nice Husband or Mr. Mean husband is coming home. He says nothing is wrong..but actions speak louder than words. He sleeps in our bed about 25% of the time.

Our 15th Anniversay is Thursday and he scheduled soccer practice until 730 pm! He is the coach! We talked about going away for the weekend and then he remembered he has a soccer clinic he didn't want to miss. I tried to no LB(love bust..or in other words..create trouble), and I said no problem. But talking today..he said..he probably won't even go. But it is too late to go anywhere now..so I just forget it! I am only 34..and keep wondering...am i wasting my time and my life?

 

[iluvorlando]

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. ((((Hugs)))))

 

[mickey65]

Listen to what your heart tells you and you will find your answers.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[POLLY ANN]

Katie, only you can make that decision for yourself.

(((((Hugs))))))) and pixie dust coming your way to help you make the best decision for you and your family.

 

[pajamommy]

Do you think he'd consider going to counseling with you? Maybe that would help. Do you still love him? You shouldn't have to put up with the verbal abuse, you are right about your kids seeing it and being affected. Good luck to you, let us know how you're doing.

 

[Kallison]

Does he keep feelings to himself? Is something bothering him, job security, stock market, financial security? I would definitely try counseling before throwing in the towel. Praying for a happy outcome for your family. DH and communicate a lot about staying together, I couldn't imagine going it alone with three kids. But as Dear Abby always says - Are you better with him or without him? Only you can decide.

 

[Jingle]

I also think you should try counseling. If he won't go with you, then maybe going yourself would help you to sort out your feelings.

I really hate advocating divorce, but having him be verbally abusive, especially in front of the kids, is not acceptable. This must cause you, and the kids, so much stress!! I say that because my ex could be like night and day, and you never knew how he was going to be. Good luck to you and your kids.

 

[snowwhitemom]

Forgive me if this sounds too blunt or abrasive but You said" I don't won't my son to think this is accetable behavior or my daughter think that's it okay to be treated like that." I couldn'
t agree with you more, so in all your many decesions that you have to make sure that you never comprimise . Best wishes and lots of hugs I send your way....I think 34 is very young and I just got there myself.

 

[browneyes]

{{hugs}} I live with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde also.

 

[Jingle]

I could never go back to living with a Dr Jekyl, Mr Hyde type like my ex was. I didn't know how peaceful and relaxing life could be! I didn't have to worry anymore about what kind of a mood he would be in or if he would go off in one of his moods and embarrass me in front of other people. My kids were young and I worried about taking care of them alone, and then I found out how much easier life was with him gone. It was hard to go through, but worth it. I think it was better for the kids, even though there have been many aspects that have been very difficult for them.

He's been my ex for over 10 years, and he hasn't changed a bit. He's already been through another divorce (his 3rd). My kids really dislike visiting him because he's a liar and a control freak, which they figured out all by themselves along the way.

I met my SO when I wasn't looking. I was just enjoying being by myself. But, we like to do most everything together and we are very compatible. We very rarely have an argument. I like it this way.

 

[Mamu]

Sending {{{HUGS}}} You both need to open the lines of communications. This can not be one-sided.

Talk to him about counceling. It sounds like both of you need to get things out in the open.

 

[Katie]

Thanks to all...just someone to talk to ..is great. Only a few friends know what goes on here...actually only 1..although a few suspect.

Sometimes..I think maybe his moods are because of my pushing to communicate.

If I leave things be...we just co-exisit...if I push things..we usually fight. What really is the difference? Tonight, he has been outside..since the time he came in except to eat dinner. He is out staining the deck in the dark...it that avoidance of me..or determination to finish the task? Sometimes, I just don't know!

I bought Dr. Phil's relationship Rescue book..has anybody had any success with this?

He is against counseling. "waste of money". He says nothing is wrong... i guess living with a stranger is "right" in his book.

 

[Jennyfyar]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you two will at least go into counseling before making a final decision about your marriage. 15 years is a long time. Good luck in what ever decisions you make.

 

[Serena]

Katie, first of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I should probably be the last person to give advice but here goes.

If he is abusive, it doesn't matter how much you may still love him, tell him to stop. He isn't allowed to do that any more. If he doesn't stop, then tell him to leave. It's not good for you, for the kids or anyone.

I read Dr. Phil's Rescue book and I highlighted all the stuff that pertains to me, him and us. A lot of it was highlighted.lol
I think we are going to make it. I realized we had been fighting over something that happened tooo many years ago. The rest of the stuff was just stuff.
I think the book will help us and I like Dr. Phil's attitude.

I hope you will be happy, whatever happens. It's never a waste to try, you will be able to tell yourself that you did all you could. If it doesn't work, then so be it. You will survive, no matter what.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

 

[JohnTBap]

I have no advice. Just a {{{HUG}}}

 

[JasonLyons]

of coure your not "wasting your time" this is important

 

[Deb in IA]

This is not my field, but Katie, if this is an abrupt change for your husband, he may be experiencing depression or other mental health problems. Not to excuse his behavior in any way, but maybe he should talk to his doctor about this.

Good luck . . .

 

[Dan Murphy]

My prayers and best wishes are with you both, Katie, as you try to solve the puzzle. As mentioned, the counseling may be worth a try.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Hi Katie, first {{{hugs}}}, you can never have too many hugs!

Women tend to be the nurturers, the fixit people, and the worriers. Those are good things, it is part of who we are.

The questions only you can answer are is he worth the time, energy, and emotional commitment? If he is not, it is time to make a decision. Where do you see yourself in a year, 2 years, 5 years, 30 years? Do you see yourselves growing old together, sharing dreams? When the kids leave home, will you rejoice in your new found freedom or will you continue to drift apart or worse, have a 'sport' of scoring points off of each other?

What do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to obtain it? Only you can answer.

There is always a sounding board here, full of people who truly care and are here to listen whenever you need an ear or to just vent. (Lord knows we all need that.) And it is a safe place to do so. Often it is hard to involve friends that you see all the time, because they are there. Anonymous is sometimes preferred.

Take care Katie!

 

[helenabear]

I have nothing more I could add to what others have said. Just tons of {{{hugs}}} and best wishes to you. I hope you both can work things out!