Am I worrying too much?

[rwdavis2]

Based on that Georgia high school I would pass on watching the kids. That school suspended 2 students for publishing a photo of the complete lack of masks and social distancing. A few days later 9 people were testing positive.

 

[AnnaS]

I have watched my granddaughter for 6 years. Twin boys also a little over 3 years - so three with one son. A little more than a year ago, my other son had his first so I quit my p/t job to help babysit for him too.

We watch the youngest two days a week (the other grandparents 2 days a week).
We watch the other three - one or two days a week. (also split the babysitting with the other grandparents).

I would never have them go to Daycare nor would my sons and daughter-in-laws. I think they would stay home before that happened. But that is us - no judging. Yes, they know they are blessed, lucky and we do not get paid. Would never even think of it. As tiring as it is, we love watching them and it is a huge responsibility.

Having said that, back in March when this all started - we stopped babysitting for both sons' kids. Hubby is high risk. One son started to work one week on and one week off. DIL is a nurse and still part time since she had the twins. Her parents babysat the week my son was at work. My other son and DIL - worked from home completely. We managed to work it out.

We did not see them for months - we celebrated birthdays via FB and zoom. Eventually we saw the kids outside/no physical contact.

In May, we went back to babysitting the one grandson.

Early this month we started to babysit the three kids again - but only have two days this month. We are fine with it. Not sure what our schedule will be once September is here (school).

You have to do what is comfortable for you. It's not like out of nowhere, you just decided not to watch the grandchildren anymore. I would have a conversation for sure and express your thoughts and feelings.

We have definitely extended our bubble and included a friend or two but not much more.

Good luck.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP you do what you feel is best for your overall situation-sounds like taking care of the grandkids would present more cons than pros and no one would blame you for that. But you need to tell your kids NOW what your choice is. If school hadn't been delayed in the districts near me the kids would be starting school this week and next week (it's now delayed til after Labor Day). Even if school isn't going to be right now but a few weeks away you don't want to just up and change things last minute. They need to be able to make arrangements that is only fair to do that for them as it would be fair for them not to hold it against you (and I don't think they will..well hopefully they won't). You might want to distance yourself from seeing the grandkids/your kids for a while if you're concerned about exposures. Give it some time to figure out the school plans and whatnot after they will actually be tested (no pun intended) real time.

 

[PollyannaMom]

If daughter-in-law is working from home, she needs to adjust her schedule to include school pickups and the eldest needs to help a little more with the little ones. That's part of being a family.

Yep, they will be able to make it work, just tell them right away so they can have a plan in place.

I totally understand grandparents helping with childcare. (I even hope to be able to do it myself one day...far in the future, as DS is still in college right now.) But the world is experiencing extreme circumstances right now, and your safety has to come into consideration.

I have not read the other thread that was mentioned, but just based on what people said here, I am more concerned about the toll elder care is taking on you and your DH than child care. I hope they come around to accepting some outside help as well!

 

[tink89]

So many people assumimg her son and DIL are going to be mad or upset or are ungrateful.

She never took my money. She outright refused.

Some grandparents really do enjoy being "daycare."

I have no idea if they are upset or ungrateful. but to have your mother/MIL watch your kids from what a PP said sometimes 50 hours a week and not give them a dime is crazy.

My mom loves spending time with DD she was her first grandchild and she has helped us tremendously in raising her. My daughter loves spending time her and they have an amazing bond. My mom does not expect money and would not take it before either but i would quick pay her to her account or venmo and now she uses that on her own "me time" money or she spends it on DD which i have told her not to but there is no point to that lol.

If I were to pay a baby sitter or day care I would probably not be working. So I am thankful my mom had the availability to watch her and I have always told her that if she can't watch her to just let me know and we will figure it out especially with DD being a bit older now. I do not pay her a lot because she will send it right back lol so I just make up for it when we go on vacations and pay their hotel and flights.

We should all be appreciative of what others do for us. Especially when they do it with out expecting a thing back. Which is what most parents do for their kids and grand kids,

 

[piccolopat]

I’ve never taken any money for babysitting.

When our DD was born, my in-laws (who lived upstairs) watched her while DH and I worked. We always paid them at a rate that was close to the market rate in our area. They were on a fixed income and loved having the extra cash. I'm not sure why your DS and DDIL haven't chosen to pay you but under the circumstances I wouldn't hesitate to tell them they need to make other arrangements until the danger of COVID is over. As for the future, consider asking for a small amount that you can either choose to spend on yourself or sock it away for your grandchildren when they get older. Infrequent babysitting for family is one thing, but regular childcare on a schedule like that should be compensated for in some way that works for the situation, IMHO.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I have no idea if they are upset or ungrateful. but to have your mother/MIL watch your kids from what a PP said sometimes 50 hours a week and not give them a dime is crazy.

My mom loves spending time with DD she was her first grandchild and she has helped us tremendously in raising her. My daughter loves spending time her and they have an amazing bond. My mom does not expect money and would not take it before either but i would quick pay her to her account or venmo and now she uses that on her own "me time" money or she spends it on DD which i have told her not to but there is no point to that lol.

If I were to pay a baby sitter or day care I would probably not be working. So I am thankful my mom had the availability to watch her and I have always told her that if she can't watch her to just let me know and we will figure it out especially with DD being a bit older now. I do not pay her a lot because she will send it right back lol so I just make up for it when we go on vacations and pay their hotel and flights.

We should all be appreciative of what others do for us. Especially when they do it with out expecting a thing back. Which is what most parents do for their kids and grand kids,

I imagine it's like all families they may have different dynamics. Though the OP may have wished she could have felt comfortable asking for money but due to those very family dynamics didn't feel like they could.

My mother-in-law and step-father-in-law said they ever ever ever considered placing my husband's grandmother (my mother-in-law's mom) in a nursing/assisted living facility. The truth is that was largely the only choice my family had though my grandfather and my grandmother saved plenty of money and had life insurance to help take care of the monthly bills.

Knowing my own family they wouldn't like want a flat out $/hr watching kids whenever we get around to having those. But that doesn't mean we do show our appreciation other ways. My family never charged my mom for watching me at times. I did do in-home daycare as a norm which was not with family. I can understand the 50 hr/week may be a large player in charging or not but I can also understand how family may not charge regardless.

You also may have different cultures coming into play (and this isn't speaking towards the OP just a general comment) where care-taking is a multi-generational thing regardless. Or just a sense of taking care of each other regardless.

But you bring up how times have adjusted and changed. Venmo and other such things

 

[DLgal]

You have no idea if she's being taken advantage of. Some grandparents really do enjoy being "daycare." My mom is one of them and my sister had to have a serious conversation with her over the summer about her watching her kids because of her age/risks, but my mom insisted and honestly I think she'd be offended if she was no longer allowed to care for them. Don't get me wrong; I have some serious concerns and don't necessarily agree with it, but there's nothing to indicate that OP was forced or guilted into watching them...she could have very well been the one asking to. Having said that, if OPs not comfortable continuing then she has every right to not, but I agree with others that she needs to tell them ASAP. Childcare is already hard to deal with, but now it's also severely limited so the sooner the better.

50 hours a week with several children is more than a full time job. I don't fault her for not ASKING to be paid, but I fault her kids for not INSISTING on paying her. She could turn around and put that money right into a college fund for those kids if she wanted, but 50 hours a week of free childcare is ridiculous.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I have no idea if they are upset or ungrateful. but to have your mother/MIL watch your kids from what a PP said sometimes 50 hours a week and not give them a dime is crazy.

My mom loves spending time with DD she was her first grandchild and she has helped us tremendously in raising her. My daughter loves spending time her and they have an amazing bond. My mom does not expect money and would not take it before either but i would quick pay her to her account or venmo and now she uses that on her own "me time" money or she spends it on DD which i have told her not to but there is no point to that lol.

If I were to pay a baby sitter or day care I would probably not be working. So I am thankful my mom had the availability to watch her and I have always told her that if she can't watch her to just let me know and we will figure it out especially with DD being a bit older now. I do not pay her a lot because she will send it right back lol so I just make up for it when we go on vacations and pay their hotel and flights.

We should all be appreciative of what others do for us. Especially when they do it with out expecting a thing back. Which is what most parents do for their kids and grand kids,

My grandmother is very old school. She doesn’t believe in daycare (or placing relatives in nursing homes). It takes a village is truly her mentality. Watching the grandkids is something that’s done in our culture. It’s very normal for us.

My grandma doesn’t have a Venmo and I don’t know her bank account information. Mind you my kids are 14 and 20 now. This was all Before Venmo. We offered to pay her all of the time but she was offended each time we offered. She said she would never take money to watch them since, in her words, “I’m home all day anyway. What kind of person would I be if I’m here doing nothing while the kids are in a daycare.” (To her that was a horror)

We did other things for my grandmother (my kids great grandmother). We would give her “big” gifts at her bday and Xmas. We gave her gifts before her vacations. I was the one who took her grocery shopping, mall trips, etc. (she doesn’t drive)

It all evens out in the end. I’m about 100% positive my grandma will be my responsibility when she gets to the age of not being able to do for herself and I’m fine with that. I still run errands for her. Do her shopping. My son helps too. She lives a few blocks away. My kids still visit her a few days a week after school just to hang out with her and help her out (and eat her yummy food).

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I imagine it's like all families they may have different dynamics. Though the OP may have wished she could have felt comfortable asking for money but due to those very family dynamics didn't feel like they could.

My mother-in-law and step-father-in-law said they ever ever ever considered placing my husband's grandmother (my mother-in-law's mom) in a nursing/assisted living facility. The truth is that was largely the only choice my family had though my grandfather and my grandmother saved plenty of money and had life insurance to help take care of the monthly bills.

Knowing my own family they wouldn't like want a flat out $/hr watching kids whenever we get around to having those. But that doesn't mean we do show our appreciation other ways. My family never charged my mom for watching me at times. I did do in-home daycare as a norm which was not with family. I can understand the 50 hr/week may be a large player in charging or not but I can also understand how family may not charge regardless.

You also may have different cultures coming into play (and this isn't speaking towards the OP just a general comment) where care-taking is a multi-generational thing regardless. Or just a sense of taking care of each other regardless.

But you bring up how times have adjusted and changed. Venmo and other such things

I agree that culture plays a role. I don’t know the OPs culture. But for us this is normal. The only time I have ever seen or heard anyone deem it crazy is online (on here and the mommy boards I used to be on many years ago). But in my world, with my friends and family, it’s 100% normal.

 

[tink89]

I imagine it's like all families they may have different dynamics. Though the OP may have wished she could have felt comfortable asking for money but due to those very family dynamics didn't feel like they could.

My mother-in-law and step-father-in-law said they ever ever ever considered placing my husband's grandmother (my mother-in-law's mom) in a nursing/assisted living facility. The truth is that was largely the only choice my family had though my grandfather and my grandmother saved plenty of money and had life insurance to help take care of the monthly bills.

Knowing my own family they wouldn't like want a flat out $/hr watching kids whenever we get around to having those. But that doesn't mean we do show our appreciation other ways. My family never charged my mom for watching me at times. I did do in-home daycare as a norm which was not with family. I can understand the 50 hr/week may be a large player in charging or not but I can also understand how family may not charge regardless.

You also may have different cultures coming into play (and this isn't speaking towards the OP just a general comment) where care-taking is a multi-generational thing regardless. Or just a sense of taking care of each other regardless.

But you bring up how times have adjusted and changed. Venmo and other such things

I 100% agree with what you are saying. I know everyone has different family dynamics and other things we might not even know that come in to play. And we all always say we would do this or never do that but sometimes you have to make different choices given certain circumstances.

It cost anywhere from $2k and up for young kids and around $300 and up for older kids after school care and thats on the low end i think. I hope they are least taking grandma grocery shopping for all the food they will be having there.

Venmo is new now but my mom has been taking care of DD for 12 years now so it wasn't available back then but quick pay and venmo make it so much easier for grandparents to not be able to refuse money lol

 

[Hikergirl]

You're being taken advantage of. Put your foot down and say you're not doing it anymore. You owe them nothing and your health and well being needs to come first right now.

She said she has never taken any money, she didn't say she was never offered any.

 

[tink89]

My grandmother is very old school. She doesn’t believe in daycare (or placing relatives in nursing homes). It takes a village is truly her mentality. Watching the grandkids is something that’s done in our culture. It’s very normal for us.

My grandma doesn’t have a Venmo and I don’t know her bank account information. Mind you my kids are 14 and 20 now. This was all Before Venmo. We offered to pay her all of the time but she was offended each time we offered. She said she would never take money to watch them since, in her words, “I’m home all day anyway. What kind of person would I be if I’m here doing nothing while the kids are in a daycare.” (To her that was a horror)

We did other things for my grandmother (my kids great grandmother). We would give her “big” gifts at her bday and Xmas. We gave her gifts before her vacations. I was the one who took her grocery shopping, mall trips, etc. (she doesn’t drive)

It all evens out in the end. I’m about 100% positive my grandma will be my responsibility when she gets to the age of not being able to do for herself and I’m fine with that. I still run errands for her. Do her shopping. My son helps too. She lives a few blocks away. My kids still visit her a few days a week after school just to hang out with her and help her out (and eat her yummy food).

Yes and that is all i am saying i hope they are giving her back something to show appreciation. It doesn't always have to be money.
I am Mexican and in our culture it is definitely something we just do. And grandparents just watch their grand kids its kind of expected and very very normal to not pay them. It is all family.
Now that she is in middle school i tell her i can put her in the after rschool program for like 30 min to 1 hr while i get off work but my mom says no way she will pick her up. I get that culture i am from that type of culture.

Like i said i get the grandparents taking care of kids and not expecting a dime. That is up to us th parents of the kids to make sure we are thanking them back somehow.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Yes and that is all i am saying i hope they are giving her back something to show appreciation. It doesn't always have to be money.
I am Mexican and in our culture it is definitely something we just do. And grandparents just watch their grand kids its kind of expected and very very normal to not pay them. It is all family.
Now that she is in middle school i tell her i can put her in the after rschool program for like 30 min to 1 hr while i get off work but my mom says no way she will pick her up. I get that culture i am from that type of culture.

Like i said i get the grandparents taking care of kids and not expecting a dime. That is up to us th parents of the kids to make sure we are thanking them back somehow.

I agree. Showing gratitude and being thankful are important and it doesn’t always come in the form of dollar bills.

 

[LSUmiss]

I agree. Showing gratitude and being thankful are important and it doesn’t always come in the form of dollar bills.

Yes & in some families (like mine), it would actually be seen as insulting.

 

[hopemax]

What does "taking care of the Grandkids" mean?

Does it mean that you are available this month, this year, the next year?

Or does it also mean that you are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have?

We have the responsibility to consider the long-term implications and not just the immediate situation. Our inability to say no to today's wants for tomorrow's is a big reason why we are in such a big hole.

You are justified to be concerned about your health. Don't let the guilt eat you up. If I was in this situation, I would be blunt, "What is your plan for childcare if I am hospitalized or dead?" The answer will undoubtedly be, "But that won't happen." So then I would say, "Hopefully, but it's not guaranteed, so answer the question." But I've gotten that way, as I've gotten older.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Or does it also mean that you are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have?

For that very reason you have people who might otherwise be considered high risk choosing to be around their loved ones because they don't know however long they have or however long they may have with their mental and physical faculties.

The people most at risk in my family are the people who wanted to see us when I would say no. It wasn't the other way around. And believe it or not this is the case for many people out there too.

And before someone steps in and says "you can yadda yadda yadda if you're dead"..believe it or not people think about that when they use their own risk analysis.

It's probably hard for all sorts of family situations. It's why the OP needs to do what works for her and if that was to be around her family (if that ended up being her choice) I sure hope someone didn't say to her " mean that you are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have?"

We need to remember that not everyone thinks the same. If you told my step-father-in-law what comments you said in your comment he would be upset and angry with you for being so disrespectful in his ability to think for himself and make his decisions with the life he has left.

 

[hopemax]

For that very reason you have people who might otherwise be considered high risk choosing to be around their loved ones because they don't know however long they have or however long they may have with their mental and physical faculties.

The people most at risk in my family are the people who wanted to see us when I would say no. It wasn't the other way around. And believe it or not this is the case for many people out there too.

And before someone steps in and says "you can yadda yadda yadda if you're dead"..believe it or not people think about that when they use their own risk analysis.

It's probably hard for all sorts of family situations. It's why the OP needs to do what works for her and if that was to be around her family (if that ended up being her choice) I sure hope someone didn't say to her " mean that you are healthy and alive to be a participant in their lives for the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, however long you have?"

We need to remember that not everyone thinks the same. If you told my step-father-in-law what comments you said in your comment he would be upset and angry with you for being so disrespectful in his ability to think for himself and make his decisions with the life he has left.

As long as people are actually considering the negative outcomes,. So many people, however, are acting on what they want to be true, what they want to happen. An easy way to check, how thorough the examination has been is to ask about the negatives and do they have an actual answer. If your Step-father's answer is, "I'm okay with potentially not being there in the future." That's different than "That's just not going to happen."

Obviously OP is concerned. So I imagine she does want to be around in the future to participate in her grandkids lives. I was trying to validate her concerns.

 

[LadyntheTramp]

I have read most of the replies and I agree you need to do what you fee comfortable with but are you prepared to not see your grandchildren for several months. As parent I would respect your decision but I would not be happy if you still wanted to hang out on the weekend with them especially if you are saying it is due to COVID. If you just need a break and can't do the after school care then be honest about that because for me that would be fine too. (I hope this doesn't sound mean..it would be just how I would view things as the parent).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As long as people are actually considering the negative outcomes,. So many people, however, are acting on what they want to be true, what they want to happen. An easy way to check, how thorough the examination has been is to ask about the negatives and do they have an actual anser. If your Step-father's answer is, "I'm okay with potentially not being there in the future." That's different than "That's just not going to happen."

Obviously OP is concerned. So I imagine she does want to be around in the future to participate in her grandkids lives. I was trying to validate her concerns.

At least to me your comments kinda took on a general tone and sorta sounded like the only option was to say no. Fair if that's your opinion most of us are just saying families need to do what is best for them which is nowhere near black and white. And apologies if that's not your intent

Even in your above comment you say "I imagine she does want to be around in the future to participate in her grandkids lives." as if the only option is to say no because by saying yes means she won't be around (as in that's a finality). Again you would be considered disrespectful for acting like my step-father-in-law doesn't want to be around in the future to participate in the grandkids lives but also wants to live and be around the grandkids now"

Many of these elders aren't saying are they don't want to be there for years to come but like so many days of our lives (no connection to the soap opera intended lol) we make decisions. I do get your point in having these discussions but many times people don't lay it out in a non-impartial way..it's laid out in such a way that the only answer acceptable to them that is is to say no regardless of how someone else feels in the matter. What some of us are saying is be respectful in that choice.