Anyone ever regret their divorce?

[Stitchfans]

In answer to the original question, yes I regret my divorce, but I had a totally different situation then the OP. I had to because of my ex husband being bi polar and ruining us financially for the 4th time.

Not sure how much counseling can help but I guess that is the only option out there. I wish you well and good luck on whatever the two of you decide to do OP. It is a very difficult decision to make.

 

[lvillotta1]

A few thoughts

1) do you have your own money saved into a separate account for you. Have you always paid yourself first? Do you have a Roth IRA? Are you involved in every aspect of the finances of your marriage? Do you know how every penny is accounted for? If you answer no to some of these questions you need to stop talking about divorce right now. Since you are a SAHM and are not working you will have a rude awakening going back to the work force to find a job that will support your "lifestyle". You need to open a separate checking and savings account for just you are start funneling as much money away as you can.

2) It seems like you both need individual counseling also. From your post the physical and intimate aspect is a big issue. Seems like a sex therapist is also in order. Do you go to church and have a faith community? Look for a marriage encounter weekend away to strengthen your marriage. Communicate with your husband about your feelings and what you need. Take a vacation without your kids.

It is too easy to get divorced these days. As a matter of fact the D word is never to be mentioned or will never be thought of.

 

[goofyintoronto]

You both owe it to your children to try to make your marriage work. Divorce is emotionally and financially devastating for families, and women and children are almost always the ones that suffer.

Definitely try to make it work. But if she gave it her best shot, and after a while she realises she's not happy and that its not working out and the kids are suffering, then clearly its time to part ways. The way you worded your statement it seems as thou divorce is the worst thing in the world and that she should stay with her husband for financial reasons cause its devestating otherwise. I completely disagree with that. Everyone eventually gets back up on their feet. You can make it work. And btw, children suffer MORE in an uphappy unhealthy marriage.

 

[luv2sleep]

Definitely try to make it work. But if she gave it her best shot, and after a while she realises she's not happy and that its not working out and the kids are suffering, then clearly its time to part ways. The way you worded your statement it seems as thou divorce is the worst thing in the world and that she should stay with her husband for financial reasons cause its devestating otherwise. I completely disagree with that. Everyone eventually gets back up on their feet. You can make it work. And btw, children suffer MORE in an uphappy unhealthy marriage.

Wholeheartedly agree.
If a person has not been through divorce it's tough to understand.
Also, no one can truly understand the depth of grief or joy experienced in another person's marriage. I know people who've put up with incredibly miserable situations and mistreatment and would advise people to stay married no matter what. I was in a women's group like that at church before I got divorced. These women put up with horrible mistreatment from their husbands and preached about ways to stay happy and sane in a miserable marriage. I thought these women were truly nuts. After a few months I had to leave the group.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Well, without the beatin' or cheatin' (which is a good thing) it makes it a lot less clear cut, at least in my mind.

I know a ton of couples who have contemplated divorce, gotten divorced and remarried their ex, divorced and found new mates to be happy with, etc etc. So, there is no one solution.

I will say, a good friend of mine has been with her husband for over 35 years. They are a great couple...three kids, all grown. They don't have internet. They have one TV, so if they watch TV, it is always together. They talk a lot, go for walks, garden together. They have a very simple existence, but it is all about existing...together. They have a very tight family bond.

Imagine my shock when she told me that 15-25 years ago that they contemplated divorce. It blew my mind. In my mind I was thinking, there is no way either of them cheated, there is no way there was any sort of physical abuse or drugs, they didn't have money problems. I couldn't wrap my head around it. She went on to explain that basically...they just weren't happy. They were in a rut, they had trouble connecting. She didn't explain how, but they worked through it, and got through it to the other side better than ever.

I only say this because...it's hard to know what ruts are worth working through and trying to make work and what ruts are just not going to get any better. I'm sure everyone thinks it's not going to get any better...and for some it does, and for others, it doesn't.

I am going to be slightly crass here, but it sounds like you and your DH need to work on the physical aspects, too. Certain "activities" reduce stress.

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I mean...I am no expert, really I'm not. But a romp filled weekend getaway surely can't hurt, right?

The sexless marriage is my husband's idea. He is not having an affair. I know this for a fact. He has a hugely stressful job and has responded by withdrawing. His complaints about me have to do with the fact that I make "demands" on his time (mostly that he spend time with his kids or show me affection).

Holy Toledo! Are ya sure? I've always read that if he ain't gettin' it from you, he's gettin' it somewhere. But, I also know not to believe everything you read either. And you know him better than any of us, so you would know. But...sheez a guy that doesn't want sex? Whoa.

Any chance he is having physical problems that could lead to um performance issues? Maybe it is easier to pretend to want a sexless marriage than face the reality of not being able to perform?

And at this moment, an ED commercial comes on....brilliant.

 

[WDW in Pearls]

It is completely normal for someone to withdraw sexually due to stress. Well, not NORMAL per se, but it definitely doesn't mean they're cheating on you. I say this from experience. I wish people would be careful what kind of advice they dole out, why further destroy a relationship over something that didn't happen??

 

[luv2sleep]

It is completely normal for someone to withdraw sexually due to stress. Well, not NORMAL per se, but it definitely doesn't mean they're cheating on you. I say this from experience. I wish people would be careful what kind of advice they dole out, why further destroy a relationship over something that didn't happen??

Totally agree.
Also not every man needs to have sex all of the time. They have emotions that can influence their desire or willingness to have sex too. Sometimes they aren't getting it from somewhere else. They just aren't getting it at all and don't really want it.

 

[shortbun]

I have tried to type advice but I am going to offer you support instead. Good luck with the counselling. You will have your answers sooner than later. Marriages don't go sour overnight, nor recover. The real thing you have to know is are you both willing to do the hard, often humiliating work?

 

[luv2sleep]

I have tried to type advice but I am going to offer you support instead. Good luck with the counselling. You will have your answers sooner than later. Marriages don't go sour overnight, nor recover. The real thing you have to know is are you both willing to do the hard, often humiliating work?

Sorry to keep posting, lol, but this is a great point. We went to 4 marriage counselors and the last one we went to was the best. She said BOTH people have to go into counseling very motivated to work hard to save the marriage in order for marriage counseling to work. If both aren't highly motivated the counseling (and more than likely the marriage) will fail. Many people think that if just they alone put more effort they can save the marriage.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I don't know how particularly religious your husband is, but you might throw First Corinthians 7: 3-5 at him and see if it sticks?

 

[anotherfakename]

A few thoughts

1) do you have your own money saved into a separate account for you. Have you always paid yourself first? Do you have a Roth IRA? Are you involved in every aspect of the finances of your marriage? Do you know how every penny is accounted for? If you answer no to some of these questions you need to stop talking about divorce right now. Since you are a SAHM and are not working you will have a rude awakening going back to the work force to find a job that will support your "lifestyle". You need to open a separate checking and savings account for just you are start funneling as much money away as you can.

Right now, I handle all of the money and the weekly budget. The paycheck is direct deposited, DH comes to me, and I tell him how much he can take from the ATM according to the budget. He does not want to know about day to day finances. We decide together what the next "big" project will be and I put savings towards that, until I've decided we have enough and tell him we can get the powder room redone, or whatever. We have college savings started for both kids and a big retirement savings fund for my husband. I have a small IRA started from back when I worked, but haven't contributed since I had kids. One of my goals is to start contributing to that this fall, as well.

2) It seems like you both need individual counseling also. From your post the physical and intimate aspect is a big issue. Seems like a sex therapist is also in order. Do you go to church and have a faith community? Look for a marriage encounter weekend away to strengthen your marriage. Communicate with your husband about your feelings and what you need. Take a vacation without your kids.

It is too easy to get divorced these days. As a matter of fact the D word is never to be mentioned or will never be thought of.

The kids and I go to church, my husband is not interested. I cannot blame him for this. I wasn't a real Christian when we got married and didn't think it would be an issue. I started feeling a real growth in my faith after my kids were born. I agree we need a weekend away and that is also on my to do list!
and trying to make work and what ruts are just not going to get any better. I'm sure everyone thinks it's not going to get any better...and for some it does, and for others, it doesn't.

Holy Toledo! Are ya sure? I've always read that if he ain't gettin' it from you, he's gettin' it somewhere. But, I also know not to believe everything you read either. And you know him better than any of us, so you would know. But...sheez a guy that doesn't want sex? Whoa.

Any chance he is having physical problems that could lead to um performance issues? Maybe it is easier to pretend to want a sexless marriage than face the reality of not being able to perform?

And at this moment, an ED commercial comes on....brilliant.

Well, I control all of the money and the credit cards so unless he's doing it on $60 a week, I don't think so. He's a trauma specialist and spends a lot of time at work. I mean, I suppose he could be somewhere else but he calls me from there and I can hear the paging system and his colleagues asking him questions and such. I think the stress of the job is causing a low-grade depression that's probably......affecting things. He doesn't want to talk about it and, let me tell you, you cannot tell a surgeon ANYTHING they do not already know.

Sorry to keep posting, lol, but this is a great point. We went to 4 marriage counselors and the last one we went to was the best. She said BOTH people have to go into counseling very motivated to work hard to save the marriage in order for marriage counseling to work. If both aren't highly motivated the counseling (and more than likely the marriage) will fail. Many people think that if just they alone put more effort they can save the marriage.

See aforementioned quote about him being a know-it-all surgeon.


I'm kind of an action oriented person, so here are my goals for the next 6 months:
1. Continue counseling
2. Limit advice seeking to counselor and Pastor
3. Take continuing education classes and make professional contacts to prepare for return to work.
4. Get resume ready.
5. Plan for possible romantic holiday getaway
6 Try to take each day as it comes and no be an obsessive, over-thinking it crazy woman
7. Continue saving money regularly
8. Make sure IRA info is still up-to-date.

 

[mariolatry]

I have no useful advice to offer you put I wanted to say what a good idea it was to stay positive and work on the things you can change, instead of waiting around for him to change.

 

[luv2sleep]

Great plan OP!
I know that attitude well. I'm also an MD and have worked with many surgeons.

 

[Colleen27]

Definitely try to make it work. But if she gave it her best shot, and after a while she realises she's not happy and that its not working out and the kids are suffering, then clearly its time to part ways. The way you worded your statement it seems as thou divorce is the worst thing in the world and that she should stay with her husband for financial reasons cause its devestating otherwise. I completely disagree with that. Everyone eventually gets back up on their feet. You can make it work. And btw, children suffer MORE in an uphappy unhealthy marriage.

I think that is seriously doubtful. An abusive marriage? A marriage to an addict, or someone with untreated mental issues? Sure. But Jodifla is dead-on - statistically, divorce is brutal on women and children, and I don't think there are many kids out there who feel like they were suffering more in their intact middle class home than when they were suddenly thrust into poverty or financial insecurity, moved away from their friends and school, and forced to accept a much lower standard of living because one or both parents wasn't happy with the marriage. Things have to be really bad, IME, for kids to view divorce as an improvement. And although it isn't a popular position these days, I do think parents should take that into consideration when choosing how much effort to put into a struggling marriage.

 

[Colleen27]

Holy Toledo! Are ya sure? I've always read that if he ain't gettin' it from you, he's gettin' it somewhere. But, I also know not to believe everything you read either. And you know him better than any of us, so you would know. But...sheez a guy that doesn't want sex? Whoa.

Any chance he is having physical problems that could lead to um performance issues? Maybe it is easier to pretend to want a sexless marriage than face the reality of not being able to perform?

The idea that men want sex all the time is just as sexist as any "woman's place is in the home" crap. Stress and depression take a toll on the male libido just as surely as they do on the female. The only difference is that men don't tend to talk about it, because the automatic assumption is that inability to perform is the only reason a man might lose interest in sex.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The idea that men want sex all the time is just as sexist as any "woman's place is in the home" crap. Stress and depression take a toll on the male libido just as surely as they do on the female. The only difference is that men don't tend to talk about it, because the automatic assumption is that inability to perform is the only reason a man might lose interest in sex.

I totally agree with this however you have to add "part 2" to this equation.

This is why a man or woman will seek relations outside of the marriage. Someone outside of marriage is new, exciting, gets it going, suddenly "cures" the libido, etc ....

This is why it is critical for OP to 'go to the mattresses' with this situation.

I think you have a good plan OP.

 

[luv2sleep]

I totally agree with this however you have to add "part 2" to this equation.

This is why a man or woman will seek relations outside of the marriage. Someone outside of marriage is new, exciting, gets it going, suddenly "cures" the libido, etc ....

This is why it is critical for OP to 'go to the mattresses' with this situation.

I think you have a good plan OP.

Ok this is OT but why is this solely the woman's responsibility? If a man strays isn't he not worth being married to in the first place? Doesn't he have his own brain with which to make sound decisions about whether or not to hurt his wife by straying? Why not hold him responsible for not straying and for standing up and working on the marriage. Sex is important in a marriage but it takes two to make or break anything. Marriage is about more than sex. It's about a foundation where two people are committed to each other and constantly strive to make the other person happy. That's in and out of the bedroom.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok this is OT but why is this solely the woman's responsibility? If a man strays isn't he not worth being married to in the first place? Doesn't he have his own brain with which to make sound decisions about whether or not to hurt his wife by straying? Why not hold him responsible for not straying and for standing up and working on the marriage. Sex is important in a marriage but it takes two to make or break anything. Marriage is about more than sex. It's about a foundation where two people are committed to each other and constantly strive to make the other person happy. That's in and out of the bedroom.

I am not following you. I did not say this was a woman's responsibility. Have to clarify what you are saying there.

As far as marriage is more than sex, sure of course, however you may fight yourself faced with a situation in your marriage that you cannot fathom at the moment and your foundation starts leaking which can lead to other things.

 

[luv2sleep]

I am not following you. I did not say this was a woman's responsibility. Have to clarify what you are saying there.

As far as marriage is more than sex, sure of course, however you may fight yourself faced with a situation in your marriage that you cannot fathom at the moment and your foundation starts leaking which can lead to other things.

Because if the guy isn't interested and has made that somewhat clear than how is a woman supposed to get it to happen?

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Because if the guy isn't interested and has made that somewhat clear than how is a woman supposed to get it to happen?

If one partner has lost his/her fire, then yes, it's the other partner's responsibility to make every effort to stir up that fire. Wouldn't matter if it were two men, two women or if the woman had lost her ardor in a male/female relationship.

That's the "worse" part of marriage in the vows.