Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[MIGrandma]

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

 

[Mizzoufan]

I dunno if there popular but here it's more traditional. The church will make a dinner for the family after service. It's not usually posted in the paper the churches here don't charge for it.

 

[DaisyJ]

They have been popular here for quite some time. As my Mom is in the final stages of her life we are trying to get some plans made. We will be having one day of visitation (from 2-4 p.m. and 4-6 p.m.) then her funeral will be the next afternoon at 2:00. I don't plan on hosting a big dinner afterward though. Mom had one for my Dad when he passed in 2008, at their church. Everyone who attended the funeral was invited for the meal. She had to pay for the meat (the ladies of the church made sides/salads/desserts) and gave a donation to the church for the use of the dining hall. For me, it was very difficult to sit there and eat and then make conversation with people, it was very stressful so I do not want to go that route for my Mom.

At first DH and I thought about taking our adult children/grands (there would be 14-16 of us) to a restaurant but I really don't want to do even that, so what we are now planning to do is have a light meal catered in our home so everyone can just come back here after the funeral. I think the service and graveside service will probably be finished by 4:00 so then we'll come home and have the meal about 5:00 (sandwiches, salads, desserts). I want to have Mom's photo albums set out so we can all look at those if everyone wants to, and reminisce, etc. I think it would be nice, and a lot less stressful.

I read the obits in our local newspaper and see other early afternoon funerals so wouldn't think they would host a meal, and some are even private too. So, if you went to a 2:00 funeral would you expect to be invited to a meal afterward?

Yes. Every funeral I've attended has had a meal after the service, either right after if no graveside service or following the graveside service. Everyone that attended the service was welcome at the meal. I live in WI.

 

[lanejudy]

I never expect a meal in association with a funeral. Close family might gather, and like you have planned, with sandwich platters or something. But in general, a meal is not something I'd ever expect. My condolences to you and your family.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

I've never heard of this. Then again my family has been real low-key with not much in the way of memorial services. Send them to the crematory and send back a little box...

 

[DawnM]

Yes, they are common. However, typically it is just family included from what I have experienced.

 

[luvsJack]

I am very sorry about your Mom.

Here there is almost always a meal. Usually at the church and provided by the church or some of the church members. The local church here has a committee that takes care of these things. The preacher will invite everyone to the meal at the conclusion of the graveside service. But usually only family and close friends attend.

 

[amberpi]

I'm so sorry. In Nashville, it's not common, it is more common out in the very rural areas. I haven't been to one to a very long time.

 

[mmouse37]

I would never expect to be invited to a meal just because I went to the funeral home and then the funeral. But, I know here in the Northeast it is common for a gathering of some sort to be had after a funeral hosted by the family. Usually the family may say anyone who would like to attend may. But unless I was a family member or very close to the family would I accept. Some just have their home open to host people back at their house with sandwiches and such and some go to a restaurant. Many times it is just the family getting together to grieve and remember.

It is your mom so you do what you and your family feel most comfortable. You certainly don't have to do anything structured.

MJ

 

[Hikergirl]

Yes they are common among my family and friends. After the funeral ceremony everyone is invited to X place, it could be at someone's home or a banquet style place, or a restaurant with a private room.
The only time that hasn't been the case was when dh's grandmother's ashes were buried since it was months after her passing and only immediate family were at the burial.

 

[Malibustyle23]

It is a thing here as well. Sometimes it is private, sometimes all are welcome and sometimes it just doesn't happen at all. The preacher or whoever ends the service will invite the guests to the location or let the guests know it is private at the end of the service.

Do what is comfortable for you. If you want it to just be immediate family let them know personally or have one person in charge of inviting those people. Have the funeral director, preacher or whoever say thank yous from your moms family and let the guests know any further processions are private.

 

[amberpi]

I should probably say most of the funerals I've been to in the last 10 years have not been in a church or had any church services.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

We usually have a luncheon here - at a hotel banquet room or nice restaurant. It is a stress relief - everyone gets a cocktail, kicks back and begins to heal.

 

[mom2rtk]

Honestly? I think you should do whatever makes the day easiest and least stressful for you.

 

[Nickunited]

Here in NYC it is popular - after the Cemetery service the family invites close friends and family back to either a restaurant or hall or church for a meal.

 

[SG131]

In my area a luncheon is the typical practice. It is usually announced after the graveside service and anyone in attendance is welcome.

 

[My2Qtz0205]

It is common to have a reception after the graveside service here. It is usually at the church, provided by the hospitality team. In the case of a non-church funeral, usually just the family gathers at someone's home.

 

[cabanafrau]

Here in metro Detroit it's not absolutely common anymore. Generally all depends on family's needs. Your plan sounds absolutely appropriate.

It's been over ten years now since I was a stay home mom and served on the funeral luncheon committee at our church. Even then we might only do about 6, 7 a year. Within two years after I went back to work the committee essentially disbanded and only about 3 times since then has there been a funeral luncheon held in our church -- for very, very large funerals.

 

[mrsv98]

Around here, the funeral is generally late morning and then there is a luncheon after the graveside service. There are quite a few restaurants in our area that are popular for this type of thing. For instance, Gram was cremated and we had the graveside internment service about a month later. After we all went to a local place and had a catered lunch. My boss's dad died last month and generally the same thing; church service, graveside and then lunch.

If it were me, the dinner thing would be awful, by that time you will be exhausted and the idea of having to sit and chat a couple more hours would be interminable. Your idea of having something at home for the immediate family sounds nice. My only caveat would be to invite anyone who came from out of town, that just seems polite.

I am sorry for your pending loss. It took Gram a few weeks to finally go and it was really hard though I wouldn't have given up the time with her. When she died, there were four generations of family with her, a good send off I think!

 

[wgeo]

Anything you choose to do will be appropriate.

Having said that - this is very much in line with my husbands job, and I will say that is varies greatly across regions of the country. I've seen it all. But where we live here, almost no one does a full meal. I attend over 10 funerals a year and we've been here 3 years. Only once did someone do a full meal and they just took immediate family to a restaurant. A lot of people here choose cookies/juice for a small reception after the funeral.

Again - the only important thing is the comfort level of you and your family, do whatever is best for you.