Are you obligated by family to travel for the Thanksgiving and/or Christmas holidays?

[kdonnel]

For the past 26 years my wife and I have been obligated to travel about 500 miles round trip for Thanksgiving and about 350 miles round trip for Christmas.

For Thanksgiving in my opinion it is ridiculous. My in laws are the ones that host, yet live 250 miles away from where they host. Every year they rent a small event hall, an old house converted into an event hall, and everyone goes there. In the beginning the in laws hosted at my mother in laws mothers house that the in laws owned. Once my mother in laws mother passed away and they sold the house no one there stepped up to host. They all just expected my in laws to continue to host and refused to travel.

Christmas is also a little on the ridiculous side. We always go to my brother in laws. His wife hosts a big Christmas Eve party primarily for their local friends and her parents. It was so hard when my kids were little. Having to somehow get all the presents there without the kids seeing. Eventually we started coming home on Christmas Eve getting home around midnight every year. It made for a less than relaxing Christmas morning.

Not once has any of the family we travel to offered to bear the burden of traveling, even on an alternating schedule.

I really wish we could start our own family traditions.

 

[Marrila]

So start your own family traditions.

It's possible to visit with at other times, or maybe alternate one year here, one year there.

 

[kdonnel]

So start your own family traditions.

It's possible to visit with at other times, or maybe alternate one year here, one year there.

Hard to do with the in laws in question living with us. Easier to just be obligated for a few days rather than deal with the back lash.

 

[sheilafri]

Just do it. You have to not care what the family may or may not think. When DD was a year and one half DH and I decided to start our own family traditions. I wanted DD to have the experience of waking up on Christmas Day to “Santa’s” delivery so no more traveling 100s of miles. My mother has had difficulty accepting this. Maybe I should care more about her feelings, but I haven’t spent Christmas Day with DD for 12 years now due to her living overseas. I cope and my mom copes with not seeing me.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Hard to do with the in laws in question living with us. Easier to just be obligated for a few days rather than deal with the back lash.

Do the In Laws that host Thanksgiving live with you? If so, I'd make the call that the hosting happens in your community (or your own house) b/c it's getting too hard for them to travel and prep it.

Then, you're down to one holiday travel, which we did for years til ending that once both my parents passed...it's hard to say no to parents/kids, but easy to say no to siblings/aunt/uncles/cousins...

 

[AppleDumpling]

Why don’t you offer to host at your home? You’re really not obligated to do anything, however I understand that once a tradition has been set for many years, it is hard to break. You need to speak up, be honest, and tell the relatives that the traveling is too much of a burden and you need to change things up. If it means you and your children spend the holiday alone, then so be it. Once your children get married and as the family grows, things will change again and new holiday traditions will evolve over time.

 

[ronandannette]

For the past 26 years my wife and I have been obligated to travel about 500 miles round trip for Thanksgiving and about 350 miles round trip for Christmas.

For Thanksgiving in my opinion it is ridiculous. My in laws are the ones that host, yet live 250 miles away from where they host. Every year they rent a small event hall, an old house converted into an event hall, and everyone goes there. In the beginning the in laws hosted at my mother in laws mothers house that the in laws owned. Once my mother in laws mother passed away and they sold the house no one there stepped up to host. They all just expected my in laws to continue to host and refused to travel.

Christmas is also a little on the ridiculous side. We always go to my brother in laws. His wife hosts a big Christmas Eve party primarily for their local friends and her parents. It was so hard when my kids were little. Having to somehow get all the presents there without the kids seeing. Eventually we started coming home on Christmas Eve getting home around midnight every year. It made for a less than relaxing Christmas morning.

Not once has any of the family we travel to offered to bear the burden of traveling, even on an alternating schedule.

I really wish we could start our own family traditions.

We did it for practically every major holiday on the calendar for more than 20 years - until my mother passed away. Then we did most of them for another 5 at my sister’s house. This past summer my BIL died and my sister (the last member of our immediate family living there) is relocating from our hometown to the city we live in. I’m here right now helping her move and I may never be back to this place as long as I live.

In fairness, we wanted to be with them all those times and don’t regret it even though the travel was a huge burden. It was a nice season of life. For the record, we’ve never expected it from our own grown kids although I certainly would have loved to spend more special occasions with them.

 

[White Cat]

For the past 26 years my wife and I have been obligated to travel about 500 miles round trip for Thanksgiving and about 350 miles round trip for Christmas.

For Thanksgiving in my opinion it is ridiculous. My in laws are the ones that host, yet live 250 miles away from where they host. Every year they rent a small event hall, an old house converted into an event hall, and everyone goes there. In the beginning the in laws hosted at my mother in laws mothers house that the in laws owned. Once my mother in laws mother passed away and they sold the house no one there stepped up to host. They all just expected my in laws to continue to host and refused to travel.

Christmas is also a little on the ridiculous side. We always go to my brother in laws. His wife hosts a big Christmas Eve party primarily for their local friends and her parents. It was so hard when my kids were little. Having to somehow get all the presents there without the kids seeing. Eventually we started coming home on Christmas Eve getting home around midnight every year. It made for a less than relaxing Christmas morning.

Not once has any of the family we travel to offered to bear the burden of traveling, even on an alternating schedule.

I really wish we could start our own family traditions.

I stopped allowing that happening to me long ago. This Christmas we will go to either NYC or Maine, maybe Asheville. God willing.

 

[kdonnel]

Why don’t you offer to host at your home?

Do the In Laws that host Thanksgiving live with you?

Yes they live with us.

We have offered to host many times, as have my in laws but the family that lives away refuses to travel for the holidays.

Getting together with their family has become more and more important to my in laws as they age. As much as I have grown to despise the holiday travel and want to start my own family traditions, I am not going to be the one that makes them choose between their extended family and their adult grandkids.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Yes they live with us.

We have offered to host many times, as have my in laws but the family that lives away refuses to travel for the holidays.

Getting together with their family has become more and more important to my in laws as they age. As much as I have grown to despise the holiday travel and want to start my own family traditions, I am not going to be the one that makes them choose between their extended family and their adult grandkids.

So, you have the hosters and the effective parents/grandparents - you and your in laws can jointly announce the change for your inlaws health and offer a post dinner "Zoom dessert" or a post Macy's parade "Zoom hour" for anyone who is truly unwilling to travel (since no one has had to do so, you can leave it in their court)...

When I got cancer (right after my mom passed), and had been the only sibling traveling any holiday before, I just told my siblings I would travel when I wanted (which is now never flu season - aka, the 2 biggie holidays) - but my house was always open...and since then, 2 of the 5 have decided to visit for the 1st time ever in 18 years of me living here. People change their "never" policies when they realize the alternative (that said, I have traveled to my siblings on my own dime and time in the summer once since then as well)...

Edit to Add: And now we have a monthly 2 hour "all sibling and sibling spouses" Zoom call each month...so we actually "see" each other more without visits...

 

[Minniesgal]

I put my foot down early and we made our own traditions. I refuse to travel on Christmas day.

 

[JimMIA]

Do the In Laws that host Thanksgiving live with you? If so, I'd make the call that the hosting happens in your community (or your own house) b/c it's getting too hard for them to travel and prep it.

Then, you're down to one holiday travel, which we did for years til ending that once both my parents passed...it's hard to say no to parents/kids, but easy to say no to siblings/aunt/uncles/cousins...

^^^^^THIS. If the others refuse to travel for Thanksgiving, that's their call. Expecting you to travel for both holidays is ridiculous.

If it's okay for them to refuse to travel, it's perfectly okay for you to refuse -- although I would probably travel for Thanksgiving and refuse for Christmas because of the difficulty with kids' presents.

 

[Skywalker3]

No, not really, My parents have been gone over 10 years, as well as my only sibling,. MIL/FIL now live w/in 45 mins, and sometimes we'll go there at some point. BIL/SIL live in VA, but no obligations. Their kids only get 3 days off for Thanksgiving, so they dont' travel here. My oldest son lives in TX, , hard to make it here. I used to frequently work the Friday after Thanksgiving, so travel was harder. Now, Thanksgiving makes me very sad, missing my family, so I would prefer to just to get away to Disney or Universal or the like. None of my family likes the traditional stuff I grew up with (cornbread dressing, chicken/dumplings, other casseroles, cornbread, mustard greens, ) so I don't even make my favorites. I'm not hung up on celebrating on the actual day. Can always have a nice gathering another weekend.
We've never done Christmas Eve/day anywhere but here, since my parents passed away, and the youngest kids were born. Kids now 14 and 17, most of the presents are money, or small things, so I'd be more than fine getting away on a vacation for that holiday too.

 

[scrhsa]

Never obligated. We always wanted to come home. Being military, getting home was always a bonus. Sometimes my husband was able take enough leave so we could go visit both sides of the family. Or we would do Thanksgiving with one and Christmas with the other. Some years we would do "Thanksmas" with my family. Sometimes we wouldn't be able to celebrate until January. Lots of times it was just my girls and I on the actual holiday. If we were close enough I would drive home by myself with the girls or over to my sisters if I was closer to her. With my being able to save up enough leave we always had plenty of time for travel, we usually drove. And I didn't work so I didn't have any time off of work to deal with. Not gonna lie, though, I would get a bit harry some years. But, like I said, it was always wonderful to get home.

 

[Boopuff]

I look at it this way - it’s a day on the calendar. We tried the “travel on Christmas “ thing when our kids were little. Spent Christmas Eve in Chicago with my folks, opened gifts in a rush Christmas morning, drove 3 hours north to Wisconsin, spent part of the day with DH family. It was a nightmare. Since the WI family got so big, DH dad decided to host the party at a local bar. Wow, feel the holiday spirit. Then the adult kids decided they wanted to have family time on Christmas so the big family thing moved to “the first Saturday after Christmas “ then that put the kebosh on New Year’s Eve... well as time passed the whole thing fizzled out. SIL tries to still have something but just a few show up.

 

[soccerdad72]

Thanksgiving, we always host. Christmas Day too, but we then travel to my parents’ house (2 hours drive each way) the weekend after Christmas to meet up with my siblings and our kids spend a day or two with their cousins.

 

[DisneyOma]

In our family, no one feels obligated to do anything - we love each other, so traveling to visit everyone is always a gift, because we never know if/when we might see them again, especially since the pandemic. Travel for us includes Texas, Florida, and Norway. Wish we were able to get to Norway to see the family there more often!

When my mom was still living up here (she's the Florida trip) we'd have a big family party Christmas Eve at her house. All of her siblings, their spouses, and the 20+ cousins (and then their kids too!) - all gathered Christmas Eve, even though some lived 2-3 hours away. Once in a while some of the cousins who moved further away would surprise everyone and show up too - that was the best!

Now she is in Florida, and half of her siblings have passed away. We'll see a few around Christmas time, but I miss the big family gathering. Last time we were all together was for my uncle's funeral, this past summer.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Growing up, we spent every major and minor holiday, driving 100 miles (each way) to my grandmother's house. I hated it--all my cousins lived within a couple miles of her, so not a big deal for them, but it was for us. So, I swore I wouldn't do the same thing with my kids. So, we are home Christmas Eve/Day, and then we would visit during the week between Christmas and New Year's.

We did do Thanksgiving at my MIL's, until DH finally had enough and said we were never going back. After that, BIL hosted, which was fine.

Now, we live 800 miles away, and the grandparents are all dead, so we don't go anywhere.

Bottom line, you have to decide if this is something you're willing to do, or something you'll stand up and speak up about. If you won't stand up and say what you want, you have no right to crab and moan about it.

 

[dvcgirl67]

No kids here, but have watched the drama unfold with my sister and her DH over the years. Whether it's Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas....you name it, they have bickered over it. And that's over whether to travel to our home town....45 minutes away, where her in-laws and our parents live. DH and I never got caught up in this kind of stuff with my parents or his. For years, we traveled on Thanksgiving to avoid it. Then for a lot of years I had to work a bit over the holidays, so we'd see our parents the weekend before. For Christmas for many years we did my family on Christmas Eve....his on Christmas Day. But as our parents have gotten older, the day itself doesn't matter much....both sets of parents are stuck at home as one in each pair is too sick to go anywhere. So we all make our way to see them "over the holidays"......nobody is caught up on whether it's the actual "day" or not anymore like happened in earlier years.

But in your position....even though it has to be tougher with your in-laws actually living with you.....one way to break out of the cycle is to go away for the holiday. I'd suggest Thanksgiving....and see how it feels. That way you're not staying home, which seems more like. you're putting your foot down maybe....but just a "change" kind of deal. Tough to do this year for sure, buy you could pull it off next year. Traditions change....sometimes that can feel a little sad, but in other cases it can be kind of liberating.

 

[neverlandsky]

Growing up me & DH both went to multiple holiday events all the same day. 2-3 Thanksgivings/Christmases/Easter. It was exhausting.

We stopped Thanksgiving once it became a mandatory work day for DH. We went once without DH, it wasn’t the same without DH. We made a family decision, Oldest and Youngest included, never again. So we stop by to visit either before or after Thanksgiving depending on work schedule. Took a bit for family to accept this.

Christmas Eve, we’re home by 8-9pm. No exceptions.

Christmas Day & Easter has always been just the 4 of us.