Arranged Marriage

[Sarah'sMomfrom PA]

I used to watch Arranged and loved it and was sad when it ended. I have also watched Family Karma about Indian families some of which were arranged.

 

[Lumpy1106]

I've watched several seasons of "Married at First Sight" and their track record is OK, not fantastic. I think the problem with that show, and it has evolved over the years, is that they are picking people who would be a good story, not necessarily be good at being married. They also ply them WAY too much with alcohol - just my observation. Maybe this is just my 25 years of being married, but I can usually pick out the 1 or 2 couples who will be successful by the time they head off on the honeymoon.

I had a co-worker who was Chinese and had an arranged marriage. He met and got married to his wife in the same time period that I bought my wife's engagement ring and gave it to her (about 3 months). AFAIK, we are both still married.

 

[tzolkin]

I've watched several seasons of "Married at First Sight" and their track record is OK, not fantastic. I think the problem with that show, and it has evolved over the years, is that they are picking people who would be a good story, not necessarily be good at being married. They also ply them WAY too much with alcohol - just my observation. Maybe this is just my 25 years of being married, but I can usually pick out the 1 or 2 couples who will be successful by the time they head off on the honeymoon.

We watched the most recent season that was on Netflix and then just watched season 1 on prime. I agree with your observations.

I think the concept of "being arranged by experts" would work better if this was a service for people who were just seeking to get married and not a reality tv show. The first thing that stands out every season is that they are only picking from a small pool who came to a casting call. I would think there are lots of people who may be more committed to working to ensure a successful marriage, but would not want to be followed around by cameras and have all their intimate details shown to the world. I think that the format hinders the couples actually bonding with each other as well. I would be completely comfortable opening up about my past or discussing sex in a personal conversation, but would absolutely hold back if I knew everything I said was being recorded.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I've watched several seasons of "Married at First Sight" and their track record is OK, not fantastic. I think the problem with that show, and it has evolved over the years, is that they are picking people who would be a good story, not necessarily be good at being married. They also ply them WAY too much with alcohol - just my observation. Maybe this is just my 25 years of being married, but I can usually pick out the 1 or 2 couples who will be successful by the time they head off on the honeymoon.

I had a co-worker who was Chinese and had an arranged marriage. He met and got married to his wife in the same time period that I bought my wife's engagement ring and gave it to her (about 3 months). AFAIK, we are both still married.

Married at First sight I watch only for the train wreck (and yea that's bad lol) but really they honestly have a fairly awful track record.

Too many times do they pick people who don't really appear to be in it for the actual commitment and most of the time they seem like they would never be a good fit. Despite them saying they are serious about the process they don't seem to put in much effort in true background checks, deeper discussions into realistic aspects about being married and making a decision in a short time to stay married or not, life goals and all sorts of things. They get into the glossy surface level but not the deep stuff. So it often ends up with people horribly mis-matched. Of course sometimes you can tell the behaviors people have exhibited were a stark enough difference to how they were during the initial screenings.

 

[Moliphino]

Probably not, but if I'm still single in 10 years ask me again lol

I've actually found as I get older I am less and less willing to put up with someone else's crap. Getting married to an unknown quantity just for the sake of being married is even less appealing now that I'm set in my own ways.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My grandmother says she had an arranged marriage. She doesn’t talk about it much or in great detail. Apparently she came here from Puerto Rico at 15. She was told by her parents it was so she could work. A few months later she was told that she would be marrying the brother of the boss. He was much older. She says she was forced to marry him. About 15 years later he shot her in the neck. They were in the middle of a divorce. My father and his siblings watched in horror as she bled out. He served about 5 years in jail. She did survive with the only side effect being a scratchy voice.

So no I’m ok finding my own partner.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I didn't do well at picking out my own husband so it's an intriguing thought. But there's no way I'd let my family pick for me! I'd consider something like the Married at First Sight reality show; I mean it seems like it's basically Match.com but you get married on your first date.

 

[disneychrista]

I didn't do well at picking out my own husband so it's an intriguing thought.

That is my feeling too. I obviously am not good at choosing so maybe a professional would be better. Of course it not something that I can really see myself doing.

 

[ronandannette]

That is my feeling too. I obviously am not good at choosing so maybe a professional would be better. Of course it not something that I can really see myself doing.

There are match-makers (not just on-line dating apps) that offer in-depth, personal services and DON'T require you to actually marry the person. Maybe something like that would be worth considering.

 

[bcla]

There are match-makers (not just on-line dating apps) that offer in-depth, personal services and DON'T require you to actually marry the person. Maybe something like that would be worth considering.

I keep on thinking of the Ang Lee movie The Wedding Banquet where the parents of a closeted gay son offer to use a matchmaker to find someone. To try an make it impossible, he says his requirements are that she be someone tall, have two Ph.d's, speak five languages, and be an opera singer. A matchmaker finds someone close, but only with a single Ph.d. And she was set up by her parents to placate them when she hasn't told them she's in a relationship with a white guy.

 

[disneychrista]

There are match-makers (not just on-line dating apps) that offer in-depth, personal services and DON'T require you to actually marry the person. Maybe something like that would be worth considering.

That's good because I (personally) have NO DESIRE to actually get married. At this stage in my life I don't see a point. It is not like we are going to be having/raising children. Anyway right now I am still not in a place where I can even consider trying any type of dating. It is just an interesting concept of having someone else picking a match for you. Still don't think it is something I could ever actually do.


edited to add missing word

 

[JoanneAZ]

Absolutely not! My father’s parents had an arranged marriage. It was not a happy marriage and resulted in an unhappy home, a dysfunctional family and left emotional scars on my father and his brother.

 

[disykat]

I know two people well who have arranged marriages (culture based) that have been very successful. 30 years plus for both. It was interesting watching them learn to love.

I would never do a reality show, first sight, or brief meeting situation, but I would be willing to do a meet/date specifically to see if you might end up as a marriage match situation. My husband and I were introduced, so its not that far off of what we did. We met, decided to start dating, dated 9 months then engaged 9 months. I know the person who introduced us was hoping it would work out. So, in a sense arranged, but with the autonomy to do our own choosing

 

[Disney Doll]

Wouldn’t be a choice I would make. But I’ve also never been one of those people whose whole existence revolves around being in a relationship.

 

[ronandannette]

Wouldn’t be a choice I would make. But I’ve also never been one of those people whose whole existence revolves around being in a relationship.

I think there are many people who would say the same thing but still have a vision for their lives that includes marriage and a family. Simply wanting to meet the right person doesn’t mean it always happens. If dating apps are appropriate, so are match-makers.

And we’re talking about arranged marriage in kind of an imaginary context - it doesn’t really happen here except maybe in some cultural sub-groups. In places where it does, I suspect it has very little to do with whether either party “wants to be in a relationship”.

 

[disykat]

Once I got past about 25, all the dating I did I was really evaluating possible matches. I might have been happy to go on a few dates, but wasn't going to waste time if it was clear a future wasn't even a possibility. Had i done computer dating (my generation's version of dating apps) i would have had it only match me with people seeking eventual marriage as their end goal. Not so different, aside from level of choice and the timeline.

 

[MrsPete]

I think in most cases I think you are right. In this book (I only began it a couple days ago) from what I understand - they will exchange a few emails and then head to the alter.

I don't claim to have extensive knowledge on arranged marriages, but I don't think a romance novel is the best of sources!

I think arranged marriages are more like "your families set you up, and you meet not with the idea of going on a casual date, but with serious-serious intention of moving to the alter fast". I think you aren't required to marry the person if you don't "hit it off", but you don't meet the person /don't enter into such a situation unless you're really serious about trying your best to like the person and envision a future with him or her.

Personally, I think the most important things are compatibility and being "in the same place" emotionally; that is, being ready for marriage, ready to settle down, ready for the compromises that a long-term commitment requires.

Oh yeah we've all had those concerns. Their entire relationship has been "we can't get married if his family doesn't approve"..so if they approve I can't see them treating her poorly (initially it was a rocky start in the introduction but they are ok now) BUT if they don't approve..that's when the rest of us are left wondering ok what now. It's a lot to have on one's shoulders for sure.

Yeah, the world is hard. Having parents who disapprove is one more obstacle to jump through.

For the average American who accepts popular American present-day notions of the point of being married, it usually would not work, not unless they were ready to embrace a different set of expectations for what the benefits of marriage are. This wasn't always true here, in fact, it has mostly only been that way for the past 100 years or so, but it's pretty well-entrenched through most of our culture.

Ding-ding-ding! The winner. This is the best answer on this thread: for an arranged marriage to work, both parties would have to fully "buy into" the idea, and it does fly in the face of the typical American idea of how one meets /courts /decides to marry.

Both sets of my grandparents had arranged marriages in a country where divorce was illegal. Photographs and a few polite letters were exchanged at the beginning of the "courtship", but that was it for prior contact. (These were farming families.) The expectations that they had were these: the women would get financial security and a home of their own, and the expectation of children to support them in their old age, and the men would get someone to have sex with and who would keep house for them., and who would attempt to provide them with children who would help to work the farm. I've seen the contracts. Personal hygiene is mentioned (a bath at least once per week), and how much money would be in the household allowance. It also provided for what percentage of the sale of eggs would automatically belong to the wife., over and above her household expense allowance. There was an expectation of mutual respect, but not of mutual affection.; they simply did not expect such a thing in their lives, and as far as I know, didn't really miss it, having never had it.

Interesting. While this sounds awfully business-like, I do think most things in life go better when everyone is "on the same page" and everyone understands all expectations up front.

Have you watched "Married at First Sight"? I think having cameras around and knowing everything is being documented would definitely be a "no" and would interfere with me actually getting to know the person.

Yes, early in the Quarantine I got hooked on this show and binge-watched it. It's a definite train wreck, but I think those couples had some positives /some negatives in terms of being set up for success:
- The idea of literally meeting at the alter is pretty extreme. That super-tall guy said he knew immediately he and his wife wouldn't make it. Same thing for Zach, who kept saying he was never attracted to his wife. In real life, those people would've met and would've said to their "arrangers", "Hey, I met him/her. Who's your #2 choice?"
- The cameras definitely add another level of stress. I know I wouldn't do well in that situation.
- But they get a free honeymoon /week of totally relaxed time to be together and get to know one another. And in the later seasons they got a free apartment to move into, which allowed them a neutral space to live while they get to know one another.
- They get the benefit of "experts" helping them develop a relationship.

Fun show to watch, but IF I were to go into something "arranged", it would never be on camera.

My aunt did "arrange" for me to meet my husband back in 1987. We have been married since July of 1988.

Hmmm, where's the line between a set-up for a date and an arranged marriage? I think most of us (assuming we're single and "looking") would accept a set-up for a date, which is only a couple-hours commitment.

 

[disneychrista]

I don't claim to have extensive knowledge on arranged marriages, but I don't think a romance novel is the best of sources!

Really never would have guessed. But since I based my post ON THE BOOK it was pretty pertinent information.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Originally I would have said "no". However I am going to change my answer to "yes" because believe somebody else would make better choices for me than I do

 

[n2dzny]

Many of the Jewish sects also do arranged marriages (Hassidic, etc.). My husband cousins son, had an arranged marriage in 1990 and they are still married and have 5 kids. They never dated and were set up but they did see each other out in public bur really had no interaction whatsoever prior to marriage. There is a series on Netflix called "Unorthodox" about a girl who was set up in an arranged marriage. It is really interesting.

I saw that and my heart broke for the Mom. I was so sad for her losing custody of her kids. I wonder what happened with that situation.