Back me up on this...

[DLgal]

When I said “where would my discretionary money as a SAHM come from?” I did not mean that I didn’t understand how bank accounts work and transferring money. I was talking about the decision-making process of how to allocate money for both my spouse and I if we were to keep our discretionary money separate.

I mentioned SAHM as an example because I think it’s more common to share finances when only one partner is working. When both people work, their earnings can easily be divided between their individual and shared accounts. It’s less straightforward to divvy up the money into individual accounts if only one person has earned income.


I knew exactly what you meant by different accounts. I didn’t have any confusion about that part or how it works. I just happened to disagree with the statement that “it makes things so much easier”. Some couples, like you, may find it easier to keep separate accounts and that’s great that they have found a method that works best for them.

For me, personally, I can’t see any reason I would find it easier to have separate accounts for personal spending money. We are both “savers” by nature so we tend to have to actually force ourselves to choose to spend money so those are typically things we discuss and do together anyway (vacations, home renovations, new cars, gifts for family). I don’t think either of us has ever really even thought about having “spending money”, so having two additional accounts to keep our spending money separate from each other would be a waste because it would just sit there until we decided on a vacation or something that we wanted to spend it on together.

I agree. TBH, the whole concept of "spending money" when you are a grown and married adult is bizarre to me. It's ALL "spending money." You just spend some of it on boring life needs and then some of it on wants.

I can't imagine having to so carefully categorize everything I spend money on. We have a very rough "acceptable amount" we put on the credit cards every month. We put a set amount into savings as that's non negotiable. But then we just buy whatever we want, and I keep tabs on the credit card balances every few days to see where we are with our spending. If we start approaching our limit early, I let my husband know that he shouldn't order anything non essential until the billing cycle closes. That's about the extent of it. But we charge literally everything we can, including some bills. Gotta get that free money from Chase!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When I said “where would my discretionary money as a SAHM come from?” I did not mean that I didn’t understand how bank accounts work and transferring money. I was talking about the decision-making process of how to allocate money for both my spouse and I if we were to keep our discretionary money separate.

I mentioned SAHM as an example because I think it’s more common to share finances when only one partner is working. When both people work, their earnings can easily be divided between their individual and shared accounts. It’s less straightforward to divvy up the money into individual accounts if only one person has earned income.

Sure understand that point but the dividing up into accounts doesn't change.

What each couple decides as far as what goes where, how often, etc is up to them but it's not difficult to have separate accounts even on 1 income. I say this because that's what we are and we've been doing separate accounts, with 2 joint accounts (already mentioned 1 is just for escrow and it's a money market) for a while now. Our process never changed when going from 2 to 1 income (although I do make some small side money for a while I wasn't). We use the joint account the same as before it's the middle account for us on the way to separate accounts by in large. This is also why I asked about how people are entering relationships and then marriages with respects to separate or joint accounts.

Just as to you personally it would make no sense to have separate accounts it makes no logical sense to us personally why I couldn't have a separate account especially when there's a lot of stuff connected to my checking account and he has a lot of stuff connected to his. Can processes change as situations change? Absolutely but they don't have to just by the virtue of it. This is why I described how we transfer the money because it takes no effort really on our part, it's instantly viewable the transfers, etc.

TBH it's actually more straightforward for our personal situation with us only having 1 income because when we had 2 the bills were divided based upon our income in percentages which that took up more time figuring that out and it's also pretty darn easy to keep track of the bills owed and monies transferred. The logistically aspects of moving money from one account to another should not be a barrier to decisions on how many accounts to make unless it was like I was asking questions on with respects to the specific banks one is using.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I can't imagine having to so carefully categorize everything I spend money on.

I can't either which is probably why I responded to tvguy's comments. Neither my husband nor I have to carefully categorize everything we spend money on. Maybe that's an assumption you feel goes with having separate accounts but certainly not how we handle things.

I spend money on what I want to spend money on so does my husband.

Truly I think some of this comes down to individual abilities to self-monitor money. Of course everyone "oops spent a bit too much this month" once in a great while. I remember last year my husband said at some point "hey think we need to cut back on eating out" which was strange because we really don't eat out that much. After he actually looked over his spending more in-depth he figured out he was spending money for lunch at work in higher amounts than he really needed to be. It happens to everyone. But I don't need to know how much he spends on lunch each month and ultimately it's his personal responsibility to monitor that he's not going crazy about getting CFA all the time lol.

Everyone should be able to on a basic level self-monitor their spending habits. When you can't do this consistently that's an issue outside of this conversation about shared accounts vs separate accounts. It wouldn't matter if we only had 1 account if one of us can't figure out how to ponder how much something costs and how that will affect the household time and time again any more than if we had separate accounts because at that point it's a personal issue. Sometimes there truly are individuals out there that need constant tracking by someone other than themselves but you usually at that point ask for someone to help you out rather than someone just automatically taking over.

 

[tzolkin]

Sure understand that point but the dividing up into accounts doesn't change.

What each couple decides as far as what goes where, how often, etc is up to them but it's not difficult to have separate accounts even on 1 income. I say this because that's what we are and we've been doing separate accounts, with 2 joint accounts (already mentioned 1 is just for escrow and it's a money market) for a while now. Our process never changed when going from 2 to 1 income (although I do make some small side money for a while I wasn't). We use the joint account the same as before it's the middle account for us on the way to separate accounts by in large. This is also why I asked about how people are entering relationships and then marriages with respects to separate or joint accounts.

Just as to you personally it would make no sense to have separate accounts it makes no logical sense to us personally why I couldn't have a separate account especially when there's a lot of stuff connected to my checking account and he has a lot of stuff connected to his. Can processes change as situations change? Absolutely but they don't have to just by the virtue of it. This is why I described how we transfer the money because it takes no effort really on our part, it's instantly viewable the transfers, etc.

TBH it's actually more straightforward for our personal situation with us only having 1 income because when we had 2 the bills were divided based upon our income in percentages which that took up more time figuring that out and it's also pretty darn easy to keep track of the bills owed and monies transferred. The logistically aspects of moving money from one account to another should not be a barrier to decisions on how many accounts to make unless it was like I was asking questions on with respects to the specific banks one is using.

I think the difference in our responses is that you're focusing on the logistics of accounts and moving money, but I'm focusing more on feelings. I think it's because my initial post was in response to someone who mentioned feeling resentment so that's why I was focusing more on that aspect. Of course, it's possible to come up with a system to allocate money into separate accounts that both spouses agree on, but from my perspective I just don't feel any emotional/psychological need to do so. I have never had any desire to have "spending money" or to keep any aspect of our finances separate. We do have multiple accounts, but they are all joint because that's the way that "feels" best for us to be able to view the big picture on where our money is and what it's doing/for. I enjoy math and finances (enough that it has become part of my job and my hobby), so it being "too difficult" to have separate accounts is certainly not the reason why we don't. My spouse and I just simply do not have any desire to. We would much rather have a separate account for our vacation funds or our investment property than accounts to separate out individual "spending money" that we are not going to use.

I think in many relationships choosing to either separate or join finances is more about personality and spending habits than necessarily about being practical. My example of a SAHM receiving a set amount of money into her own account for spending might be absolutely wonderful and feel very freeing for one person who likes spending their money on whatever they want without their spouse judging. But for another person it might feel confining, like they are a child receiving an allowance who cannot spend any more than what they are allotted for their personal account. I did not say that one was right or wrong. I just think it depends on the individuals which way will be best for them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I did not say that one was right or wrong.

I don't think you can be right or wrong here. I do remember joining the DIS and overtime though seeing how people negatively view separate accounts (there's been a variety of threads on that one) so TBH I think some people feel like "why do you need separate accounts" as more of a judgement as if it speaks to something and to be fair your below statement is sorta like that.

I think in many relationships choosing to either separate or join finances is more about personality and spending habits than necessarily about being practical.

This brings me back to my question though about how are people entering into relationship if with separate accounts to begin with. If you've had one on your own as a single person what about your personality would flip to now saying I want joint only no separate? Is there a presumption that you can't keep separate accounts like that's going to be seen as some sort of way or is there reasons why it would be more difficult such as banking institutions?

In all honesty I think a lot of the joint vs. separate is just steeped in old school mentality that is slowly being removed as a justification because there are more sophisticated technologically advanced ways of keeping track of your/ours money. Look at the comments, how many of them are women who are speaking talking about how they joined accounts after marriage (and that is something that was with the other threads over time too). Thinking back to how women couldn't even have accounts in their names or have a card in their name and how that may influence how someone views the topic (perhaps how it was for them personally or how it was for their parents). While I thought of this earlier I didn't say it. This morning I decided to look and from March at least this is what I found from bankrate discussing surveys from creditcards(.com)

• 43 percent of U.S. adults who are married, in a civil partnership or living together, only has joint accounts (which means of those they surveyed the majority did not only have joint accounts)
• Older generations are more likely to only have joint accounts. The survey found 48 percent of Gen Xers (42 to 57 years old) and 49 percent of baby boomers (58 to 76 years old) who are married or live together only have shared accounts, compared to 31 percent of millennials (26 to 41 years old).
• Younger people are also more likely to have only separate accounts. For instance, 45 percent of younger millennials (ages 26 to 32) who are married, in a civil partnership or living with their partner don’t share any accounts, compared to 20 percent of Gen Xers and 14 percent of baby boomers.

Another survey found that thus far Millennials are the most financially autonomous generation which is a double edged but is still something I found intriguing.

So maybe you're right it's personality but perhaps personality of a more broader group of people brought up in different times with a smidgen of small personality desires that are individual. Financially there are cons to both joint only or separate accounts, neither comes without risk.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We could interview a hundred or more couples and no two of them would do things exactly alike.

People do things based on their personalities, habits, past experiences, knowledge, and a lot of other characteristics that are unique to them.

I learned a long time ago here it’s really no use arguing about it because people are still only going to see things their own way (as we’ve seen over the past few pages). And it’s really no concern to anyone else how any one couple does things if it works for them. So I wouldn’t even get into my own specifics because it’s not open to criticism, in my book. Why subject myself to that? We had our reasons for doing things the way we did and it works. End of story. No one is going to change us.

I had to go physically to the bank recently and had a similar conversation with an employee on an iPad that she couldn’t seem to get to work for her. Why, why, why. I told her about the lady who used to work where she is working now who sat down with us and spent a long time setting up our accounts in the first place (who later died of breast cancer ). This lady said she couldn’t do anything like that, said we could do it ourselves online. She also had some sort of communication problem - I told her I had a new debit card (that I’d lost) on the way and she spent ten mins in a computer trying to get me a new one before I realized what she was doing, and was hoping she didn’t mess things up. (I saw her changing things around on pull down menus and such.) Technology is nice, but it’s not everything.

 

[PixieT78]

I’m considering a 45% pay cut so I can leave my job because it makes me miserable. I cannot really afford it (I’ll have to use savings) but my sanity can no longer take my job.

So needless to say, I back you up!

 

[tzolkin]

I don't think you can be right or wrong here. I do remember joining the DIS and overtime though seeing how people negatively view separate accounts (there's been a variety of threads on that one) so TBH I think some people feel like "why do you need separate accounts" as more of a judgement as if it speaks to something and to be fair your below statement is sorta like that.


This brings me back to my question though about how are people entering into relationship if with separate accounts to begin with. If you've had one on your own as a single person what about your personality would flip to now saying I want joint only no separate? Is there a presumption that you can't keep separate accounts like that's going to be seen as some sort of way or is there reasons why it would be more difficult such as banking institutions?

In all honesty I think a lot of the joint vs. separate is just steeped in old school mentality that is slowly being removed as a justification because there are more sophisticated technologically advanced ways of keeping track of your/ours money. Look at the comments, how many of them are women who are speaking talking about how they joined accounts after marriage (and that is something that was with the other threads over time too). Thinking back to how women couldn't even have accounts in their names or have a card in their name and how that may influence how someone views the topic (perhaps how it was for them personally or how it was for their parents). While I thought of this earlier I didn't say it. This morning I decided to look and from March at least this is what I found from bankrate discussing surveys from creditcards(.com)

• 43 percent of U.S. adults who are married, in a civil partnership or living together, only has joint accounts (which means of those they surveyed the majority did not only have joint accounts)
• Older generations are more likely to only have joint accounts. The survey found 48 percent of Gen Xers (42 to 57 years old) and 49 percent of baby boomers (58 to 76 years old) who are married or live together only have shared accounts, compared to 31 percent of millennials (26 to 41 years old).
• Younger people are also more likely to have only separate accounts. For instance, 45 percent of younger millennials (ages 26 to 32) who are married, in a civil partnership or living with their partner don’t share any accounts, compared to 20 percent of Gen Xers and 14 percent of baby boomers.

Another survey found that thus far Millennials are the most financially autonomous generation which is a double edged but is still something I found intriguing.

So maybe you're right it's personality but perhaps personality of a more broader group of people brought up in different times with a smidgen of small personality desires that are individual. Financially there are cons to both joint only or separate accounts, neither comes without risk.

I really don't understand how any of my comments were in any way being judgmental about people who choose to have separate accounts. People have different personalities and therefore different preferences for how they live their lives. Some things are easier or more comfortable for people with certain personalities and those same things might be uncomfortable or not work for others. No judgement was intended by that.

I don't think I said "why do you need separate accounts". I said I personally do not feel any emotional/psychological need for separate money at this time. I don't need different tech for "keeping track of your/our money". It does not enter my mind because I have honestly never thought about your/our money. To me, it's all "our" money. I don't feel any need to have "my" money for discretionary spending, because it's all there for whatever we want/need to use it for. My mentality is based on my own personal experiences, my personality/nature, and my specific relationship.

If you are genuinely curious about some of your questions, I'll share. I technically fall into the Millennial category (41), but I have been with my husband since we were 18 and married a few weeks after graduating college (which is probably more similar to "older generations"). We both worked throughout college and we were very open about our finances, spending, debt, and goals. We did have our own bank accounts initially, but we just added the other on as a joint access so those accounts became "ours" instead of remaining his and mine. Honestly, we may have even done that before getting married since we bought our house several months before the wedding. We have essentially grown up together and basically every penny either of us has earned has been within the context of our relationship so there really was never any yours/mine/ours. We consider all our money to have been earned and saved together regardless of who was actually working and who was facilitating that by contributing in other ways. We have very similar personalities and spending habits. As a result, we have never had any conflict over money in our 23 years together.

That said, we don't share finances because I'm judgmental and think that's the "right" way of doing it; we do it because that is what works best for the two of us in this particular relationship. I am very logical/rational, so I think at my core I actually would naturally lean more toward having separate finances with anyone else. If I were ever to marry again, I actually would not join all our finances. I would want to keep what was "mine" separate for my children and the level to which we did share anything else would depend on whether or not I could find someone I was as financially compatible with and there were no arguments over spending habits. I would never encourage my children to join all their finances until they had given it lots of consideration, they had known the person for many years, and they were sure it was the best for their particular situation/relationship.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I really don't understand how any of my comments were in any way being judgmental about people who choose to have separate accounts.

I absolutely do not think you intended with any sort of thing, it was a point in a larger conversation with the varied comments about allowance, need, spending tracking and budgets, etc and I'm thinking back to prior threads on the topic melding with how this one ended up.

If you are genuinely curious about some of your questions, I'll share. I technically fall into the Millennial category (41), but I have been with my husband since we were 18 and married a few weeks after graduating college (which is probably more similar to "older generations"). We both worked throughout college and we were very open about our finances, spending, debt, and goals. We did have our own bank accounts initially, but we just added the other on as a joint access so those accounts became "ours" instead of remaining his and mine. Honestly, we may have even done that before getting married since we bought our house several months before the wedding. We have essentially grown up together and basically every penny either of us has earned has been within the context of our relationship so there really was never any yours/mine/ours. We consider all our money to have been earned and saved together regardless of who was actually working and who was facilitating that by contributing in other ways. We have very similar personalities and spending habits. As a result, we have never had any conflict over money in our 23 years together.

Yes I was genuinely curious because I'm trying to figure out if someone who starts with a separate accounts views keeping that as pointless to do just because they got married. Initially that's why I leaned on logistically because I can see why that would be an unnecessary hurdle. And then later on it's why I looked into wondering if generational impacted that. I also wondered if generationally in the past women got married so early on that the didn't have as much time to establish their own financial lives and perhaps didn't see the point there either. By the time we got married my account had been open 7 years including my CC with that bank for that time period. I appreciate you giving your experience.

We met when I was 19 he was 18, married at nearly 25 and nearly 24 respectively. However, we're 34 and 33 now so we fall into a slightly lower Millennial bracket than you. We've essentially grown up together, we have similar personalities and spending habits although I was and still am more frugal than my husband he was and is still good on budgeting.

We paid for our own wedding jointly, we paid for our house jointly. At that time it was separated out based on income just like the utilities were and we just transferred money into the joint checking and paid a check (sometimes a teller's check when it was a high enough amount like the down payment for the house) from the joint or used the card that was attached to the joint checking when it came to smaller amounts during the wedding. It made it very easy for us to see how bills impacted the finances probably because there was high level of interaction into the finances. Every month (or every purchase with the wedding and the house) you needed to see your own bank account and how we utilize the joint account the way we do keeps us fairly cognizant of the finances in today's time.

In some ways although we are close enough in age perhaps some of that generational impact is there in how we view things. As a whole I know one of my sister-in-laws who is in her mid-20s views finances differently than we do in our 30s. Time goes on and so new ways of thinking happen.

I think we agree more than we disagree What I and a few others were trying to say (like Lilsia for one) some of the reasons presented for joint only or full disclosure of every purchase for the purpose of tight tracking either have solutions that mean a joint only or present way of doing it isn't necessary to accomplish what the issue was/is or those issues just aren't actually something that crops up with separate accounts. I have never had an allowance despite having a separate account, that is not how we view money. Viewing that as allowance is more about how you view allocations of money, which for some is a neutral viewpoint and for others is a negative viewpoint ("I don't want to feel like I have an allowance" and so on).

Preference for continuing on doing something is absolutely the reason I think people continue to do what they are doing including what my husband and I are doing. If for example you don't want to set an alert up for a specified amount on a shared CC in order to alleviate some concerns on fraud charges or to keep those surprises from not being ones you don't have to, but there is a way to do that

 

[Lilsia]

I think the difference in our responses is that you're focusing on the logistics of accounts and moving money, but I'm focusing more on feelings. I think it's because my initial post was in response to someone who mentioned feeling resentment so that's why I was focusing more on that aspect. Of course, it's possible to come up with a system to allocate money into separate accounts that both spouses agree on, but from my perspective I just don't feel any emotional/psychological need to do so. I have never had any desire to have "spending money" or to keep any aspect of our finances separate. We do have multiple accounts, but they are all joint because that's the way that "feels" best for us to be able to view the big picture on where our money is and what it's doing/for. I enjoy math and finances (enough that it has become part of my job and my hobby), so it being "too difficult" to have separate accounts is certainly not the reason why we don't. My spouse and I just simply do not have any desire to. We would much rather have a separate account for our vacation funds or our investment property than accounts to separate out individual "spending money" that we are not going to use.

I think in many relationships choosing to either separate or join finances is more about personality and spending habits than necessarily about being practical. My example of a SAHM receiving a set amount of money into her own account for spending might be absolutely wonderful and feel very freeing for one person who likes spending their money on whatever they want without their spouse judging. But for another person it might feel confining, like they are a child receiving an allowance who cannot spend any more than what they are allotted for their personal account. I did not say that one was right or wrong. I just think it depends on the individuals which way will be best for them.

For us, it wasn't "emotional", it was practical. When we first got married, we were just getting by, like most people. We had the one account and I would pay the bills. So at times, my husband would go to buy something, not knowing that that money was needed to pay a bill, and that we needed to wait until the next pay period. Neither of us wanted to spend our days talking finances so we figured out how much we would need in the house account to keep things going and the disposable income got put into our separate accounts. It wasn't about "needing to feel" like we have to keep our accounts at all. It just made more practical sense to us. We will be married 27 years in 3 weeks and it has worked great for us. No adult wants to have to clear every little purchase with their spouse, nor should they have to.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't think you can be right or wrong here. I do remember joining the DIS and overtime though seeing how people negatively view separate accounts (there's been a variety of threads on that one) so TBH I think some people feel like "why do you need separate accounts" as more of a judgement as if it speaks to something and to be fair your below statement is sorta like that.


This brings me back to my question though about how are people entering into relationship if with separate accounts to begin with. If you've had one on your own as a single person what about your personality would flip to now saying I want joint only no separate? Is there a presumption that you can't keep separate accounts like that's going to be seen as some sort of way or is there reasons why it would be more difficult such as banking institutions?

In all honesty I think a lot of the joint vs. separate is just steeped in old school mentality that is slowly being removed as a justification because there are more sophisticated technologically advanced ways of keeping track of your/ours money. Look at the comments, how many of them are women who are speaking talking about how they joined accounts after marriage (and that is something that was with the other threads over time too). Thinking back to how women couldn't even have accounts in their names or have a card in their name and how that may influence how someone views the topic (perhaps how it was for them personally or how it was for their parents). While I thought of this earlier I didn't say it. This morning I decided to look and from March at least this is what I found from bankrate discussing surveys from creditcards(.com)

• 43 percent of U.S. adults who are married, in a civil partnership or living together, only has joint accounts (which means of those they surveyed the majority did not only have joint accounts)
• Older generations are more likely to only have joint accounts. The survey found 48 percent of Gen Xers (42 to 57 years old) and 49 percent of baby boomers (58 to 76 years old) who are married or live together only have shared accounts, compared to 31 percent of millennials (26 to 41 years old).
• Younger people are also more likely to have only separate accounts. For instance, 45 percent of younger millennials (ages 26 to 32) who are married, in a civil partnership or living with their partner don’t share any accounts, compared to 20 percent of Gen Xers and 14 percent of baby boomers.

Another survey found that thus far Millennials are the most financially autonomous generation which is a double edged but is still something I found intriguing.

So maybe you're right it's personality but perhaps personality of a more broader group of people brought up in different times with a smidgen of small personality desires that are individual. Financially there are cons to both joint only or separate accounts, neither comes without risk.

I'd love to see those stats broken down by income rather than age, because I think that would show a pretty clear pattern too. DH and I had separate accounts when we met but there were times when after paying the bills we were so ridiculously broke that I bought the meat for dinner from one account and the side dishes from another. (Because this is the DIS, I feel like I need a written disclaimer that the previous example is hyperbole, but not too far from reality when we were just starting out). There was no value in keeping two separate accounts when we were paycheck-to-paycheck or just a little above, and ample risk in doing so because that was before the rule changes that let us opt out of expensive overdraft "protection" and other fee-generating banking practices. It was also before real-time digital banking was ubiquitous. So it just made sense to have one account, with one set of record-keeping to do and one balance to keep tabs on, once we formed one household with one set of shared expenses. And since a "qualifying direct deposit" is usually a condition for no-fee checking, once I left the workforce separate accounts would have been an unnecessary expense as well.

If we'd met and married 10 years later, after the rise of smartphone banking and cashless shops/vendors and better consumer protections in banking, we might have kept the separate accounts. But back then, it made more sense to withdraw cash on payday for our discretionary spending and only deal with keeping tabs on one bank balance for bills and household purchases.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'd love to see those stats broken down by income rather than age, because I think that would show a pretty clear pattern too. DH and I had separate accounts when we met but there were times when after paying the bills we were so ridiculously broke that I bought the meat for dinner from one account and the side dishes from another. (Because this is the DIS, I feel like I need a written disclaimer that the previous example is hyperbole, but not too far from reality when we were just starting out). There was no value in keeping two separate accounts when we were paycheck-to-paycheck or just a little above, and ample risk in doing so because that was before the rule changes that let us opt out of expensive overdraft "protection" and other fee-generating banking practices. It was also before real-time digital banking was ubiquitous. So it just made sense to have one account, with one set of record-keeping to do and one balance to keep tabs on, once we formed one household with one set of shared expenses. And since a "qualifying direct deposit" is usually a condition for no-fee checking, once I left the workforce separate accounts would have been an unnecessary expense as well.

If we'd met and married 10 years later, after the rise of smartphone banking and cashless shops/vendors and better consumer protections in banking, we might have kept the separate accounts. But back then, it made more sense to withdraw cash on payday for our discretionary spending and only deal with keeping tabs on one bank balance for bills and household purchases.

According to what I could find for the survey: "households that earn less than $50,000 per year are the most likely to have completely separate accounts (32%), compared with households that earn between $50,000 and $99,999 (20%) and 17% of higher-income households that earn $100,000 or more (17%)." So completely opposite of what you are hypothesizing although if you had asked the question in the time period that you're talking about results may have been different. I can see a few reasons for that such as if you feel there is shaky ground with respects to your realistic ability to pay you may not want to be tied to a joint account and thus having to worry about the other person on that exact level. There's also the realism in thinking "go broke together or go broke just yourself" if that makes sense. Now if you're very wealthy that could change to be the opposite again moreso if you have significant assets.

While we were not rolling in dough when we got married our respective incomes were not super higher (which a large part of our monthly amount was eaten up by student loans, housing and insurance for rent and auto) this aspect was not a reason for us to maintain separate accounts in addition to getting joint accounts. I was also a year ahead of my husband with schooling due to our ages and my loans started before his did. I think the practical nature in our individual bills had the biggest influence as well as our consideration for approach to finances. We had back when we got married/still have now a high level of trust in each other and for that it means there was no "I want joint so we can keep on the other's spending" (this is personally speaking as in that wasn't the reason to get a joint account while maintaining separate accounts as well). Even after our income (dual at that point as well) crossed that threshold of higher-income according to the survey our viewpoint about how we were doing banking didn't change. I sorta joke about it but the first shared thing where we both had our names on it was a Costco membership.

In the case of our bank longevity with them is advantageous in terms of fees, so is having multiple accounts. That sort of stuff does get looked at should something happen.

The discussion about technology was a big part of why I was commenting about them and why my comments were more on the logistical, practical and logical track. People may not realize all that you can do now or the fraud protections and watching that is done these days. Things have changed even from when my husband and I got married in terms of what you can do.

I think the generational aspect of the study is a over-reaching mentality/frame of mind that is adjusting as time goes on. What once was more of a given/norm is now being thought of differently. To some that's negative to some that's positive and each way (separate only, joint only, combo) comes with pros and cons. I also wouldn't take the study as the be it all but looking into it there is a clear trend towards more grey areas when it comes to bank accounts than in the past.

 

[leebee]

We have one joint savings and one joint checking. All paychecks funnel into those, so we basically have one pool of money. I manage our finances, pay the bills, etc. When I want to buy something specifically just for me, I usually mention it to DH and vice versa. I'm not "asking permission" and it's not about "oversight." It's courtesy; we have one money pool, I wanna buy something just for me- and sometimes I'm not comfortable with that. Yes, we can afford it, but also when the CC bill comes in, he knows I'm gonna look it over and ask "Did you spent $132 at Amazon?" Once again- it's NOT about permission, it's more about agreement. Sometimes I'll mention something (I need a new pair of shoes but they'll be $120) once in awhile he'll ask "can we afford them?" but 9 times out of 10 he'll say "cool, I think you should get them." I don't know what is odd about this; as I said, it's more informing/courtesy and definitely NOT asking permission. Sometimes when I've been on the fence about spending the money, his confirmation has helped be decide to go ahead and make the purchase. I don't know... it's worked for us for the past 38 years.

 

[china mom]

Well this conversation made a change in direction since my original post but I am enjoying the conversation. I will jump in and add how we handle finances and show how ironic it was that my husband had the reaction that he did to $5k a year decrease in my pay.

First I must clarify that both of our names are on all bank accounts and assets (except for three of our cars, which are accidently in my name only). All credit cards are joint but with all of this we do refer to his, mine and ours when talking about accounts.

We have several bank accounts that we use as a way to keep our money organized. Both of our pensions and all of his paycheck go into our main account. All expenses involving our primary residence, kids, cars groceries etc, come out of this account. DH pays the bills. He uses one credit card and I use the other. He pays his CC out of the main account. I can take money out of the main account to pay my CC if I overspend my paycheck. I don't ask permission but mention it so that he doesn't get confused when he sees the bill pay.

In a separate bank, I have two accounts, both funded by my paycheck. My check is split into two accounts. One is for major expenses such as a new roof, painting, flooring etc for our main house. The other account is used to pay my credit card - I put everything on the card. We make home improvement decisions together but we all know that I am really in charge

Then, we have the rental property account. My husband has shown no interest in this "business" So I collect rent and pay bills for those houses. At his direction, I never discuss the business with him except to mention "we had a good month" every so often.

To bring this around to the original conversation about finances and pay... Just this month, I hired a contractor to replace two skylights for $4,000 and have not mentioned it to DH, nor will I. Last year I spent $27,000 on a tenant turnover on another house and, although he knew we were doing work, he has no idea if it $27 or $27K. And, I am pretty sure that with two of the houses we bought, I mentioned it to him but didn't necessarily ask him for input.

This is why it was so weird that he questions a $5k decision. But, he hasn't mentioned it since and he sees how happy I have been since the job offer became official. I think he has worked through his initial reaction.

 

[Lilsia]

We have one joint savings and one joint checking. All paychecks funnel into those, so we basically have one pool of money. I manage our finances, pay the bills, etc. When I want to buy something specifically just for me, I usually mention it to DH and vice versa. I'm not "asking permission" and it's not about "oversight." It's courtesy; we have one money pool, I wanna buy something just for me- and sometimes I'm not comfortable with that. Yes, we can afford it, but also when the CC bill comes in, he knows I'm gonna look it over and ask "Did you spent $132 at Amazon?" Once again- it's NOT about permission, it's more about agreement. Sometimes I'll mention something (I need a new pair of shoes but they'll be $120) once in awhile he'll ask "can we afford them?" but 9 times out of 10 he'll say "cool, I think you should get them." I don't know what is odd about this; as I said, it's more informing/courtesy and definitely NOT asking permission. Sometimes when I've been on the fence about spending the money, his confirmation has helped be decide to go ahead and make the purchase. I don't know... it's worked for us for the past 38 years.

I never said that it was about "permission" I am saying that as grown adults, we don't want to "mention" to the other spouse about every little purchase. That would drive us bonkers. Things like new shoes, are a normal life expense and I would just buy them if I needed them. I don't need to have my husband affirm my decision to buy something. If we have the money, I am going to buy what I want. My husband doesn't even want to hear about that kind of minor stuff. If we ended up talking about every little purchase, that would consume our lives. I don't want to hear that hubby bought a can of soda at work every day. This might be a generational thing, but I don't feel that any adult should have to discuss every minor purchase with their spouse. No one is talking about the big purchases, but the everyday ones, every adult should know their budget and what they can afford without having to have the other adult in the house in on it.
And that is where the separate accounts come in. You can have access to money that you can spend on whatever you want without it being taken out of the household accounts. You wouldn't need to "inform" your husband of every little purchase if you are just using your discretionary money.

 

[disykat]

I never said that it was about "permission" I am saying that as grown adults, we don't want to "mention" to the other spouse about every little purchase. That would drive us bonkers. Things like new shoes, are a normal life expense and I would just buy them if I needed them. I don't need to have my husband affirm my decision to buy something. If we have the money, I am going to buy what I want. My husband doesn't even want to hear about that kind of minor stuff. If we ended up talking about every little purchase, that would consume our lives. I don't want to hear that hubby bought a can of soda at work every day. This might be a generational thing, but I don't feel that any adult should have to discuss every minor purchase with their spouse. No one is talking about the big purchases, but the everyday ones, every adult should know their budget and what they can afford without having to have the other adult in the house in on it.
And that is where the separate accounts come in. You can have access to money that you can spend on whatever you want without it being taken out of the household accounts. You wouldn't need to "inform" your husband of every little purchase if you are just using your discretionary money.

LOL And THERE'S the difference. My husband and I talk about all sorts of dumb minor stuff. THat's just how we roll. He doesn't HAVE TO tell me if he bought a soda at work, but he usually does. I couldn't stop him if I tried!

 

[Lilsia]

LOL And THERE'S the difference. My husband and I talk about all sorts of dumb minor stuff. THat's just how we roll. He doesn't HAVE TO tell me if he bought a soda at work, but he usually does. I couldn't stop him if I tried!

Well if it works for you. LOL In all seriousness, everyone should do what works for them obviously. I grew up with a very controlling dad. He monitored every penny my mom spent, even though she worked and brought in money. There was no way that I would ever be married to someone who does not trust me to go out and buy something so basic and minor like a shirt, without having to tell him about it first. I am sure that has colored my views on the world. But I can't imagine having to discuss every little purchase. To me, that would feel too close to needing permission.

 

[leebee]

Of course we don't talk about buying a can of soda; let's not take things to the extreme. However, in OUR lives, $120 for a pair of shoes isn't a trivial purchase. I don't ask if I can buy a tee shirt at Walmart, or even if I CAN buy a $120 pair of shoes. I let him know that I need sneakers and the ones I want are $120. We've been living together for 40 years; he already knows me and my habits, and that if I want $120 pair of shoes, there's a reason, it's not a whim. As I said, it's more of a courtesy. Also, I think salary discrepancy comes into play. At one time, he was making 5 times what I was making, but it all went into one pot. He never said "Take it out of your own money," for starters because there is no "your" or "my" money. As with the house, the cars, the offspring, they are "ours" as is the income. I can't imagine how un-fun life would have been if I was taking my share of household expenses out of my take-home pay (from a salary of $15K). I couldn't have afforded to go to a movie, much less out to dinner or buy $120 pair of sneakers on "my" money.

 

[Princesca]

In my experience, men generally don't suffer quite as much from dissatisfactions at work as women do. Obviously, there are exceptions, and this is a generalization based on my experience. But they are both not generally treated as badly and don't take it as much to heart on the rare occasion they are.

So he probably doesn't 'get' it. I say go for it... I made a lateral move (when people would have said I needed to hold out for a promotion) to get out of a toxic workplace and I have never looked back. It's been a year now, and I'm still so happy I did it.

 

[Lilsia]

Of course we don't talk about buying a can of soda; let's not take things to the extreme. However, in OUR lives, $120 for a pair of shoes isn't a trivial purchase. I don't ask if I can buy a tee shirt at Walmart, or even if I CAN buy a $120 pair of shoes. I let him know that I need sneakers and the ones I want are $120. We've been living together for 40 years; he already knows me and my habits, and that if I want $120 pair of shoes, there's a reason, it's not a whim. As I said, it's more of a courtesy. Also, I think salary discrepancy comes into play. At one time, he was making 5 times what I was making, but it all went into one pot. He never said "Take it out of your own money," for starters because there is no "your" or "my" money. As with the house, the cars, the offspring, they are "ours" as is the income. I can't imagine how un-fun life would have been if I was taking my share of household expenses out of my take-home pay (from a salary of $15K). I couldn't have afforded to go to a movie, much less out to dinner or buy $120 pair of sneakers on "my" money.

I never said that our money is not all "ours", only that we each have an amount that we can use to spend at our discretion. I think that is where some of you are getting hung up on, you are thinking that we are keeping money separate away from the other and that is not true. My husband does not have more money in his account because he makes more. Again, all of our money is still "ours" and we are able to access all of the accounts if needed. The separate accounts are so that we can spend what is in them without it affecting the main, household account. That is literally the whole reason for the separate accounts. So you needing to buy your shoes(which $120 is a normal price for shoes now), if you had your own discretionary account, you would know if you had the money in there to buy it, without having to clear it with your husband. It is not "yours" or "mine" like you are thinking, just an easier way for each of us to access the extra money for things like this. And my husband supports me also, but some of his earnings goes into each of our discretionary income.