Bridal shower etiquette...who pay's????

[busy mom]

My family is discussing a bridal shower for a family member. Based on feedback, it will include approx 50-75 people. Based on that, it would need to be at a restaurant/hall.

Should the MOH/bridal party be responsible for paying, or should it be taken care of by family (Mother of the Bride/Cousins/Aunts), or friends???

What is the bridal shower etiquette in your family?

 

[Gracie09]

Whomever is the host(s) pays. So if the bridal party is hosting, they pay. If family members are hosting they pay.

 

[puffkin]

Around here, it usually seems to be the brides mother/family that pays. Typically the bridal party will chip in for some of the stuff, like the decorations, the games or the cake...something along those lines.

 

[sk!mom]

A family member is beginning to plan her bridal shower, and would like to invite approx 50-75 people. Based on that, it would need to be at a restaurant/hall.

Should the bridal party be responsible for paying, or should it be taken care of by family (Mother of the Bride/Cousins/Aunts), or friends???

What is the bridal shower etiquette in your family?

If she's planning her own shower then she should pay.

Just like any party, whomever hosts pays.

 

[barkley]

If she's planning her own shower then she should pay.

Just like any party, whomever hosts pays.

I agree with whomever hosts the party pays, but I have to ask-is it common now for a bride to plan/host her own shower???? I know brides/expectant moms who are asked for guest lists by those hosting, but I've never known one to plan/host her own (shoot-I got married in '91, had my first child in '94 and back then it was still considered taboo for the mother of the bride/grandma to be to host a shower for their own daughter).

 

[sk!mom]

I agree with whomever hosts the party pays, but I have to ask-is it common now for a bride to plan/host her own shower???? I know brides/expectant moms who are asked for guest lists by those hosting, but I've never known one to plan/host her own (shoot-I got married in '91, had my first child in '94 and back then it was still considered taboo for the mother of the bride/grandma to be to host a shower for their own daughter).

I have never heard of anyone planning their own shower. The OP stated that this was the case so I responded accordingly.

Around here it seems common now for showers to be hosted by family members although I don't know if I've ever been to a shower where the mother of the bride hosted.

 

[North of Mouse]

If she's planning her own shower then she should pay.

Just like any party, whomever hosts pays.

I agree! Do you mean that the bride is planning her own 'gift' party? Never heard of that! Maybe she's not calling it that - but 'thats' what it is!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

A family member is beginning to plan her bridal shower, and would like to invite approx 50-75 people. Based on that, it would need to be at a restaurant/hall.

Should the bridal party be responsible for paying, or should it be taken care of by family (Mother of the Bride/Cousins/Aunts), or friends???

What is the bridal shower etiquette in your family?

The hostess pays.
There CAN be multiple hostesses who agree together to split costs.

There cannot be a planner who bestows a bill upon others. That will always be tacky.

The bride should not be planning her own shower if she doesn't want to pay.

 

[Vernie822]

I was just in two weddings last year, and both worked differently. I'll share my experience.

Wedding #1: Bride and MOB were adamant about having it at a restaurant. Someone's home or a church hall would not do. Bridesmaids did not decide this. MOH had no clue what to do, so looked to the MOB to take the lead. I was a cousin and bridesmaid so I helped out quite a bit. Since there were 100 guests, mom and mother of the groom just asked that the bridesmaids each chip in $100 (plus favors, decorations, whatever else). Mom and mother of the groom split the rest of the cost. Everyone was fine with this, since there were so many people invited and it was going to inevitably be expensive. We all hosted and helped pitch in, so it ended up working out well.

Wedding #2: I am the MOH. I took the lead on the shower and asked for the mother of the bride's opinion on some things. I did not want to overstep my responsibilities and take over because it was her daughter's shower, so I just asked her what she would like to see and I made it happen with some help from her! She and the bride didn't want to overdo it and were fine with having it at a hall. She suggested the church hall - so I called my church and for $100, plus $125 for a liquor license, we had the hall complete with a kitchen for the entire day. It worked out SO WELL! We all brought the food and mimosas, favors, etc. I paid for almost everything. I kind of expected to. Her mom brought some decorations and some food, and the bridesmaids split $100 of the hall, I paid the other $125. They each had a "station" (Dessert, mimosas, fruit salad, etc) that they were in charge of. I also didn't really know the other bridesmaids and felt uncomfortable asking for much. It ended up working out really, really well!!

I say, whoever hosts, pays. As a bridesmaid, I never have an issue with chipping in for the shower. I do find it odd for a bride to host her own shower!

 

[Kae]

Host(s) pay. Around here it's never the MOB or MOG. Usually Aunts of Bride and/or Groom, Best friend(s) of the mothers. Bridal Party does the Bachelorette Party.

Bride and mothers give the lists of who to invite. hosts plan it all.

Kae

 

[Iowajes]

A family member is beginning to plan her bridal shower, and would like to invite approx 50-75 people. Based on that, it would need to be at a restaurant/hall.

Based on this statement, that family member (it sounds like this is the bride, based on 'her' bridal shower) should be paying. Whomever plans: decides on the location, decides on the number of invites is the one who pays.

In my social circle, it would be incredibly rude for a bride to plan her own shower (generally, the couple, or the bride's parents throws an engagement party- you can throw your own engagement party, for some reason it isn't considered the same thing).

If it is expected that the bridal party foot the cost for the shower (and that is very common), then the bridal party would decide where to have it and who to invite. I've been in weddings where the ONLY people at a shower were members of the bridal party, because that was what the maid of honor could afford to host.

It isn't uncommon for mothers, aunts, grandmothers, church groups, work friends, etc to host bridal showers either, or for there to be multiple showers. Multiple showers is often so that they can afford to be hosted- each shower has 20 or so people at it, not 75!


If I were a member of a bridal party, I would NOT pay for a shower that was planned (and extravagantly planned!) by someone else. Most of the shower's I've seen have been 15-30 people in a home. Not 75 at a restaurant. (Which is part of the reason for multiple showers. Having 75 people for a meal is basically a wedding without women bringing their spouses or children.)

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I agree with whomever hosts the party pays, but I have to ask-is it common now for a bride to plan/host her own shower???? I know brides/expectant moms who are asked for guest lists by those hosting, but I've never known one to plan/host her own (shoot-I got married in '91, had my first child in '94 and back then it was still considered taboo for the mother of the bride/grandma to be to host a shower for their own daughter).

I was thinking the same thing, but I was also married in 91 and our son was born in 95.

It was taboo to host your own shower. Or even for your mother to host it. It was always hosted by friends/wedding party. The bride hosting the party comes off like a gift grab.

Oh, and the host pays. Period.

 

[busy mom]

Sorry for the confusion, the family member is not planning her own shower. Our family is simply having the discussion, and the question of "who pays" came up. I have edited original post.

I appreciate the input received. Thank you!

 

[kuhltiffany]

I'm with one of the previous posters who discusses smaller, more manageable showers. Broken into small groups makes much more sense, co-workers, friends and bridal party, family on each side. That way each group can be hosted by an appropriate member, and usually assisted by part of the bridal party…

No need to have a huge, expensive extravaganza…that's what the wedding is supposed to be!

 

[sk!mom]

Sorry for the confusion, the family member is not planning her own shower. Our family is simply having the discussion, and the question of "who pays" came up. I have edited original post.

I appreciate the input received. Thank you!

My answer is the same. Whomever hosts/plans pays.

I agree with the PP who said it varies. I've been to showers hosted by the bridal party, a family member, family friend, coworker. Just whomever wants to throw a shower.

I recently helped my DD and nieces host a family shower for another niece. My DD and nieces who were throwing the shower are all 18-20 so they needed some help with the finances. It was a small shower since the niece being married grew up and lives out of state so she has no friends here only family.

 

[Poohbear5]

When I got married a few decades ago, a mother of the bride or groom never hosted a shower. Now it seems the norm for the showers I've attended in the past 5 years.

When my son got married earlier this year, the mother of the bride hosted a very expensive shower 4 hours from my home, she paid the bill.

When our other son got married last year, the mother-of-the bride asked if she and the bridesmaids could host the shower in our home (bigger family room than theirs). The mothers and bridesmaids all cooked, decorated and cleaned up and shared the expense.

I assume that mothers do hosting nowadays due to the cost is not so affordable for young bridesmaids starting out.

 

[Vernie822]

I want to add- if you're part of the hosting party, and finances are an issue- look into your local church halls. At ours you didn't have to be a member. For $225 ($125 liquor license and $100 rental fee) we were able to host the shower. The tables and chairs were all nice and were available for us to use. It was work to organize everyone and delegate tasks but honestly it was pretty simple when it came down to it. Yes a restaurant is great and is really easy since there's Minimal cooking, setup or cleanup, but a hall or a family members home allows you to really customize and have everything you want there!

 

[TwoMisfits]

I was married very young (21) and all of my bridesmaids were either collegiate friends or my siblings with no money. So, my mom and my mom's best friend (our 2nd mom since she never had kids) hosted a bridal shower at my mom's best friend's house for about 20 women (no men. They split the costs and asked for nothing from my bridesmaids. Now, it was a simple affair with sandwich platters, punch, etc...but it was still an awesome shower...

I should add - my mom also bought all the bridesmaids' dresses and rented all the tuxes that anyone in the bridal party couldn't afford. My parents did not want anyone to be unable to participate b/c of money concerns.

Now, knowing I was young and no one had money, my entire wedding process was a budget one (no engagement party, 1 bridal shower, a co-bachelor/bachelorette party at my brother's house done on the VERY cheap, and a small pre-wedding dinner at a restaurant paid by the groom's parents)...and having been through many weddings and wedding events since then, I still think mine was some of the best. We never lost site of the reason for the wedding or stressed the big details (since we didn't have big details...

 

[MrsPete]

Echoing what others have said:

Whoever hosts, pays.
The bride should never be the host.
The mother of the bride (or groom) should never be the host, though they might sometimes provide some food "behind the scenes".
Aunts are perfect hosts, as is the bridal party.

Food is expected at a shower, but snackies are fine -- a full meal is not required.

If you're concerned about space and cost (and your guest list is large!), you have some options:

Use a church fellowship hall.
Plan a drop-in shower from 2:00 - 5:00 -- everyone won't arrive at the same time, so your space will work out fine. If you don't want to serve a meal, plan your festivities for mid-afternoon instead of a meal time.

 

[Vernie822]

We did a brunch and it was very affordable! My aunt made quiche. One girl brought fruit and granola with yogurt. One girl did mimosa bar. One did a sandwich platter. We also had the aunts all bring their favorite dessert and had some bagels. It was so easy!