college kids who come home every weekend

[cabanafrau]

I know quite a few people who went to our local high school 2.0 community college. I also know some who figured out what they wanted to do a little later, transferred after more than 2 years or dropped back in and ended up with MAs and in one case a PhD. Making a mistake with the choice of college at 18-19 doesn't seem to be something people can't recover from later. Actually, I went to a 4 year school and know some people who probably weren't ready to leave home and may have screwed up their life more than had they spent 3 years in community college instead of 2.

I am aware of that. My DH attended the same community college and eventually made the decision to go away to a large state school to seriously pursue a degree. I also have an older DD who is away at school.

There are pros and cons to the choice my younger DD has made. We've had plenty of conversations with her to make sure she understands the cons, as well as our expectations about how she undertakes beginning her college career there.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The "college experience" is very subjective. Not everyone wants to live in a dorm or hang out with other people at college. To each his own.

 

[Sabeking]

I am very confused on what your position is and what point you are trying to make.

I can give an example of why my son is living on campus even though the university is 8 minutes away.

First of all, it is required of all freshman. He did not have an option to live at home and commute. We would not have qualified for the financial waiver that would allow an exception.

And even if he could live at home, he wouldn't. He is in an engineering program and his dorm is only for engineers. They have tutoring sessions nightly in the dorm. They have their own computer room with all the very expensive software needed to do their work. You can't get by with just a laptop with Microsoft Office. Just one of the programs is over $1,000 for the student license, so it is much better to use the school facilities.

He likes having an entire dorm taking the same classes so impromptu study sessions happen all the time. Everyone understands the stress everybody is under so there is great camaraderie.

He does stop home some weekends for a few hours but always has to get back for a study session or a social event. He plays a sport, is on an intramural team and belongs to a campus club . Luckily, with so much studying necessary, there is no time for partying.

Wow, that is really convenient! I would love to have had those kinds of resources when in college; it's great that he is taking advantage of that. I wonder If there are other majors/universities doing that?

 

[MIGrandma]

College life is not a "cookie cutter experience" for everyone. Our DD turned 18 ten months before she started college. If a person can get married at 18, or join the military at 18, I feel they are perfectly capable of deciding to live in a dorm on the college campus, or not.

DD started her freshman year of college residing in a dorm. The college was about 45-minutes from home. Originally her best friend from high school was going to be her roommate, but at the last minute her friend decided to not even go to college so DD had no roommate at all for the first few weeks. The rooms each held 2 students, with a living room between them creating a suite of 4 people. Her suitemates knew each other and had boyfriends off campus, so she did not bond with them at all, ever. She eventually did get a roommate and while they got along fine they never did become great friends.

DD did come home most weekends, as she had a part-time waitressing job here to make a little "spending money" for college (she'd been working at the restaurant since she was 14, washing dishes for a year, then waitressing when she turned 15). And after the Christmas break she only went back to the dorm to pack up her stuff and move back home. It was her decision, and rightly so. She preferred to live at home and commute. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[indimom]

Wow, that is really convenient! I would love to have had those kinds of resources when in college; it's great that he is taking advantage of that. I wonder If there are other majors/universities doing that?

They are. We've been looking into several different universities for DD 18 and several had these types of "learning communities" (one of the terms we heard used).

As to the original post:
I went to a college about 3 hours from home without a car. Needless to say, I didn't go home often. I doubt I would have if I'd had a car.
Either way, I'm not a real social person so I didn't spend any more time on that "college experience" everyone talks about than I would have if I'd gone home. I spent my weekends studying, biking, and working. Occasionally going to a movie with a friend. I never attended a college sports event in four years and didn't join any clubs. I went to some on campus music events, plays and art shows because classes required it and I found that I enjoyed them... but I'm not sure I'd have even thought about it if it hadn't been required.
I don't think it hurt me as an adult. I'm a gainfully employed, successful adult, and I'm still not a big socializer. Different strokes for different folks.
On the flip side:
My daughter is looking at a college an hour from our home. If she chooses that university, she'll live on campus as a freshman. After that, we'll consider our options. Yes, commuting in cheaper, BUT it's a LOT of time back and forth with heavy traffic, stress, scheduling... and my daughter is a student who studies A LOT and stresses a lot, so we'd have to consider whether or not 10 hours a week commuting is really worth the savings??
I'm just not sure...

 

[CPanther95]

We probably lost over half our dorm (30 years ago) every weekend. That's why the biggest parties were always on a Thursday. That's also why there wasn't a whole lot to do on campus over the weekend. If I wasn't involved in football, I probably would have headed back each weekend just to watch my high school team play. Plus, I lived in a co-ed dorm, so weekends with not a lot to do generally ended up being weekends with plenty to do.

Freshman year, a lot of guys were going back on weekends because of girlfriends still in high school (or looking for a weekend girlfriend still in HS). Some went back primarily for laundry.

 

[NewRVLady]

I am very confused on what your position is and what point you are trying to make.

I can give an example of why my son is living on campus even though the university is 8 minutes away.

First of all, it is required of all freshman. He did not have an option to live at home and commute. We would not have qualified for the financial waiver that would allow an exception.

And even if he could live at home, he wouldn't. He is in an engineering program and his dorm is only for engineers. They have tutoring sessions nightly in the dorm. They have their own computer room with all the very expensive software needed to do their work. You can't get by with just a laptop with Microsoft Office. Just one of the programs is over $1,000 for the student license, so it is much better to use the school facilities.

He likes having an entire dorm taking the same classes so impromptu study sessions happen all the time. Everyone understands the stress everybody is under so there is great camaraderie.

He does stop home some weekends for a few hours but always has to get back for a study session or a social event. He plays a sport, is on an intramural team and belongs to a campus club . Luckily, with so much studying necessary, there is no time for partying.

I love reading these different scenarios of college life!

My oldest had a traditional college classes-you went to class you took tests . period

My youngest spend ungodly amount of hours on the computer (art and design programs)-in the art studio at college-he would design on his computer and their 3-d machines would produce the design. He had no time for a job-so stayed home (tried living in Aprt but could not swing all the time his major took.

Too many people see the college experience just one way-when there are a myriad of variables!!

 

[DawnM]

I am actually encouraging my 10th grader to go to college locally and live at home for cost reasons.

I don't care what others do or don't do with their weekends.

 

[CPanther95]

I am actually encouraging my 10th grader to go to college locally and live at home for cost reasons.

I don't care what others do or don't do with their weekends.

All 3 of mine ended up going locally and commuting for all 4 years. Being only about 25 minutes away meant they could attend any weekend activities worth attending. With the cost of dorms, you'd think they had a private penthouse with concierge service, not crammed 3 to a room with a communal bathroom shared with 30 or 40 other kids.

We used that saved money to cover a used car while commuting and a new car upon graduation.

 

[leebee]

DD22 went to college 5 minutes away from home. It was important to us- and her- that she lived on campus, especially having grown up as an only child. IMO, living at college is the perfect opportunity to learn to manage yourself and your life, without the responsibilities of a full time (or more) job and bill-paying. It also helps you learn to tolerate other people in your living space- a handy skill to transition to the work-world. DD was in a double for freshman year, a triple for 1 semester and single for 1 semester of sophomore year, and a 5 person apartment (on campus, thru residential life) for junior year. For senior year, she moved into a 2br apartment with a friend and paid her own rent and food. DD was very involved with her dance program, her dance training, and her sorority, and I'm pretty sure if she'd lived at home the whole time, much of this would have been difficult to maintain while working and studying. Just driving back and forth, finding parking space, etc. would have been time consuming!

We probably saw her, on average, about once a week. She'd either come home to borrow a car, or have dinner, do laundry, and study on Sundays, often accompanied by her boyfriend. It was nice to see her once a week. I never understood my friends who assumed that because DD was in town, we'd see her/talk to her almost daily. NO WAY! I wanted to give her a chance to grow up, which I think she did nicely.

Now she is home with us for a year while her boyfriend finishes his master's degree. Then, they're off to who knows where!

 

[DawnM]

All 3 of mine ended up going locally and commuting for all 4 years. Being only about 25 minutes away meant they could attend any weekend activities worth attending. With the cost of dorms, you'd think they had a private penthouse with concierge service, not crammed 3 to a room with a communal bathroom shared with 30 or 40 other kids.

We used that saved money to cover a used car while commuting and a new car upon graduation.

Great idea.

We did tell them we can provide a car if they commute. Not sure about a new car, but maybe a better used one on graduation. Or, maybe they would prefer $$ if the car they have is still running strong.

 

[Vernie822]

When I was a freshman, I came home frequently. About an hour away, every or every other weekend for the first semester. I didn't party, I was in an awkward residence hall with not many other freshmen, and I went through a rough breakup with my high school boyfriend. So at the time, I wanted to be home with my family on the weekends.

I joined a sorority my freshman year with another girl on my floor in order to meet more people, and instantly I was at school much more frequently because I was much more involved. From there I met more people and became involved in more activities.

Freshman year is hard. I wouldn't judge (not saying you are) why someone comes home for the weekends. It's a rough transition. Never know what they're going through.

 

[Minnesota!]

I agree with you. I was one of those students who went to college 2.5 hours away and I was still home every weekend...boyfriend was still back at home. It really stunted my college experience. I didn't give it a fair shake and left after 1 year. The second quarter, I scheduled all my classes on Wednesdays...so I would take the train home on Thursdays and back on Tuesdays. Pathetic now when I think of it.

In my defense - I made 3 very close friends when school started - my roommate and two others. The other two dropped out by mid year, and my roommate had a baby 6 weeks in and she went home to be with him every weekend. So...I was lonely.


I will be praying my kids choose a school a lot further away.

 

[njmom47]

When I went to school (years ago) it was a "suitcase college" where just about everyone went home on the weekends. I guess a lot of kids were from surrounding areas and for whatever reason, they did go home. I had a job back home and lived less than an hour from my school, so it made perfect sense for me.

 

[DawnM]

The "college experience" is very subjective. Not everyone wants to live in a dorm or hang out with other people at college. To each his own.

I grew up attending boarding school. No phones where we lived and the mail service was spotty. And definitely no internet.

When I went to college, I came back to the USA. My parents stayed overseas. I lived over 10K miles away from them with no method of communication other than mail and telegram.

It worked for me, but my kids are free to choose what they want. I just think financially it makes more sense to commute and save $$ and not go into debt.

My oldest is starting at the CC in January. He refuses to drive. We are buying him a bus pass.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I grew up attending boarding school. No phones where we lived and the mail service was spotty. And definitely no internet.

When I went to college, I came back to the USA. My parents stayed overseas. I lived over 10K miles away from them with no method of communication other than mail and telegram.

It worked for me, but my kids are free to choose what they want. I just think financially it makes more sense to commute and save $$ and not go into debt.

My oldest is starting at the CC in January. He refuses to drive. We are buying him a bus pass.

all 15 or 16 kids on DD's floor have opted not to have drivers' licenses. I had thought DD was oddball not wanting one (not bad, just odd, I didn't want one until I was 20 and I still prefer not to drive) so it was a shock to learn there are lots of kids these days not getting them. Seems to be fairly common these days. (we got DD a bike--bus is free for students, but not very useful in her college town)

 

[DawnM]

all 15 or 16 kids on DD's floor have opted not to have drivers' licenses. I had thought DD was oddball not wanting one (not bad, just odd, I didn't want one until I was 20 and I still prefer not to drive) so it was a shock to learn there are lots of kids these days not getting them. Seems to be fairly common these days. (we got DD a bike--bus is free for students, but not very useful in her college town)

My 15 year old is working on getting his permit, but my 17 year old has no desire to drive.

 

[scoutie]

College life is not a "cookie cutter experience" for everyone. Our DD turned 18 ten months before she started college. If a person can get married at 18, or join the military at 18, I feel they are perfectly capable of deciding to live in a dorm on the college campus, or not

Very true. My freshmen year of college, we were "tripled", which meant three girls were living in a tiny dorm room. I couldn't stand it. One of my roommates had a boyfriend who bartended, so we would come in to visit her at 3 am when he got off of work. The other roommate was very anal about cleanliness and order. I'm somebody that likes my space and needs a decent amount of sleep, but who isn't super organized and neat, so I was miserable living in close quarters with those two. The next year, I moved off campus, which I would have done to begin with if I would have known what living with three girls in a tiny room would be like.

 

[DisneyOma]

When looking at colleges with DD, I did tell her that I wasn't willing to pay for her to room at a college if she was going to come home every single weekend. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with commuting to college instead of going away. Both allow amply opportunities to grow...just in a different way. But if you want to go away, then go away! DD is 3.5 hours away so it was never an issue.

Our neighbor had a daughter who went an hour away and was seriously home 3.5 to 4 days her entire freshman year. She didn't have classes on Friday so she would either come home after classes on Thursday or early on Friday. Her classes on Monday didn't start until later so she didn't leave until Monday. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was. Having said that, she got really involved sophomore year, went on to have a fantastic college experience, graduated in May and moved to NYC for a great job. I guess some kids just take a little longer to get there. She made me realize that a kid has to do what a kid has to do to get to their comfort level.

How did your daughter react to being told "if you want to go away, then go away"? For the neighbor's daughter, there was no problem - she liked being with her parents. It could have had nothing to do with comfort level. Her parents like having her around, she liked being with them. Sounds like they are rather good parents.

I agree with all of this. As parents, I think we all make the decision to send our kids away to college for different reasons BESIDES the obvious education. I know that I actually WANTED my kids to leave home and be away from me for extended periods of time. Not that I don't enjoy their company, I sure do. But, from my worldview, this step is important. I want them to figure out their free time and their education without that crutch of old friends, a boyfriend/girlfriend that makes them hard to cut the cord, or learning what it's like to live in a different area. Those things are important to me for my kids as I felt it was a good thing for me when I was that age. Though, I get that others don't feel that way. But coming from that perspective, I guess I have questioned why some kids seem to run home all the time. These posts help me to see that others just have a different thought process about what the college experience should be.

Also, some people are just different when it comes to ever separating family. My coworker's son went to a college 2 hours away. When he couldn't come home to be with them due to extracurriculars, they drove down and spent the weekends with him. That's just how they are and how their culture is.

Old friends and significant others are 'crutches'? Ouch!

I've been a firm believer in leaving home for college, possibly because my own experience of commuting to a local university was not ideal. Our younger DD is dead set on attending our local community college for two years and transferring to a state university to finish her bachelor's degree in education. I'm very afraid it will be too much like HS 2.0, complicated further by the fact she now has a long-term boyfriend who attends the community college. He was planning to transfer to the same state university but found they don't offer the major he planned to pursue. Now he's changed his planned major, was still going to remain local before transferring to another state university about 30 min from the one DD plans on attending. It shook him up when he mentioned it recently and she warned him, don't follow me like a puppy, I plan to have my college experience and I'm not going to be focusing on spending every weekend with you.

My jaw hit the floor. Hopefully she really does have a plan and will stick with it. Of course I'm not thrilled with her planned major either, but we'll see what happens.

I'm hoping your daughter's boyfriend saw the light and found someone who actually wanted to be with him?

 

[LisaR]

How did your daughter react to being told "if you want to go away, then go away"? For the neighbor's daughter, there was no problem - she liked being with her parents. It could have had nothing to do with comfort level. Her parents like having her around, she liked being with them. Sounds like they are rather good parents.

I don't think this has anything to do with "liking to be with her parents." Some kids go away and rarely come home and still have a great relationship with their parents. Other kids live at home or come home regularly and don't have a great relationship with their parents. I know a guy who is coming home most weekends to hang out with old friends and he is being quite the jerk to his parents. He's at that stage of, "I don't really live here anymore so I can do what I want, yet I am here all the time and not contributing." As a matter of fact, I just talked to mom who said she is having a come to Jesus meeting with him this weekend. Where one lives doesn't have anything to do with enjoying time with your parents.

In the case of my DD, it was never an issue because she hated the only school that was close enough to commute/come home from each weekend. It is the biggest school in the state and second biggest in the country and she wanted nothing to do with it. Again, I was able to see that it all worked out with the neighbor and it made me realize that it takes some kids a longer adjustment period, but I still wouldn't be thrilled to pay $7000 plus dollars for a dorm room if my kid was home all the time.