Dating Red Flags?

[tvguy]

Disagree 100%. I would not want to date someone who has fundamentally different beliefs than me when it comes to political issues. Not agreeing on every issue is totally fine but on certain topics, it matters a lot.

I guess it depends how important politics are in your life. Sounds pretty boring to me. You are looking for a mate, not a running mate.

 

[Marrila]

The political "label" that describes a person is not a reason not to date someone IMHO. Political views matter at the ballot box, not in a relationship.

Some folks would prefer a partner who is comfortable with discussing and respecting various views.
Others might want someone who would mesh with their preference for seeing the world in a firmly held way or path.

 

[Smugpugmug]

I guess it depends how important politics are in your life. Sounds pretty boring to me. You are looking for a mate, not a running mate.

I've used dating apps in the past few months and literally every profile lists their political views or they have something akin to "Will only date liberals, Republicans, etc." so it's safe to say that it's important for a lot of people.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The political "label" that describes a person is not a reason not to date someone IMHO. Political views matter at the ballot box, not in a relationship.

I think they are intricately tied together IMO as far as a relationship but I just wanted to say using political party labels to define your interest in someone isn't my cup of tea.

I'm more about actual issues, that tells me about the characteristics and qualities about someone than whether they define themselves one political party or not and I know enough people who blindly vote party line that I find myself thinking that's a detractor because then I'm not sure if the person has really formed an opinion themselves and it doesn't leave as much room for nuances in people's feelings.

Completely my opinion but where you stand on an issue and finding someone who is either respectful of that or has the very similar views isn't the same as excluding based on a political party and I find that excluding based on a political party or like the other poster was saying using moderate only ends up furthering the distance between people and how we interact as a public. It's what happens out there IRL, it is part of the dating world and the friendship world both for young and old alike these days but it's not how I want to choose my friends much less dating interests. I want to get to know them for them and make decisions based on that.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

So this little twist in the conversation is getting me wondering how many people here are in relationships with someone who has differing political views and how they make it work. I guess I kind of assumed that if someone says that they don't believe in god, they are more than likely politically liberal and that aligns with my beliefs. This was likely flawed as I'm sure there are atheist conservatives out there, I just didn't encounter many of them. If someone had fairly quickly let me know that they were conservative, unless there was some other compelling reason to suss things out, I probably would've not gone out with them again.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Some folks would prefer a partner who is comfortable with discussing and respecting various views.
Others might want someone who would mesh with their preference for seeing the world in a firmly held way or path.

100%, have to be comfortable and interested in discussing national and world events. And in my case, it helps that we view the world the same way....believe the same things for the most part. I would think that it's far more important these days, especially with some middle aged/older people who are out in the dating world. There are folks out there now whose identities are wrapped around their political ideology. More so than any time I've been alive anyway.

For me, my political beliefs would have to be in line with my partner. In the last eight years I've seen friendships fall off, marriages struggle and families pulled apart by our current situation. We're more divided than any time in my lifetime. I'd have to at least know my significant other is on the same page as me. There's enough division in our country and in our world.....I need peace at home.

 

[pezgirlroy]

The political "label" that describes a person is not a reason not to date someone IMHO. Political views matter at the ballot box, not in a relationship.

Completely disagree. There are some issues that wade into political that my partner and I need to be on the same page with.

 

[Dan Murphy]

100%, have to be comfortable and interested in discussing national and world events. And in my case, it helps that we view the world the same way....believe the same things for the most part. I would think that it's far more important these days, especially with some middle aged/older people who are out in the dating world. There are folks out there now whose identities are wrapped around their political ideology. More so than any time I've been alive anyway.

For me, my political beliefs would have to be in line with my partner. In the last eight years I've seen friendships fall off, marriages struggle and families pulled apart by our current situation. We're more divided than any time in my lifetime. I'd have to at least know my significant other is on the same page as me. There's enough division in our country and in our world.....I need peace at home.

I agree. During most of my 60+ years adult lifetime, differing political leanings seemed fine and normal. However, as you said above, the past eight years have been so derisively stoked that most of our lives have been negatively impacted. Having a bit of commonality certainly would help a relationship.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I've used dating apps in the past few months and literally every profile lists their political views or they have something akin to "Will only date liberals, Republicans, etc." so it's safe to say that it's important for a lot of people.

This is makes me wonder about some of those niche dating apps like Republican Singles, J-Date, or Farmers Only. Are there that many people on those smaller platforms that it's attracting their target audience? Curious.

 

[Sanchez]

This is makes me wonder about some of those niche dating apps like Republican Singles, J-Date, or Farmers Only. Are there that many people on those smaller platforms that it's attracting their target audience? Curious.

I have never been on a dating site so I cannot answer, but I have wondered the same. How many farmers are looking for love? Apparently enough to spend tons on advertising.

As to the political aspect, though a small sample size it seems relevant that the discussion on this thread is driven by those who consistently interject political opinions. That is, the people who appear to be most political on the CB seem to be most concerned with politics as an impediment to a relationship. Ingrained tribal loyalties create an antagonistic view of those they deem the opposition. I think most people (although many more than 25 years ago) just don't care that much. I do think it sad that many people see it as a binary choice.

Finally, I agree with those who say we become more particular as we age. I am 30 years married and hope that I never have to date. With that comes a confidence that I can be as selective as I wish. I imagine that if I was placed in the dating scenario I would have to be less rigid than my current standards suggest.

 

[Lumpy1106]

So this little twist in the conversation is getting me wondering how many people here are in relationships with someone who has differing political views and how they make it work. I guess I kind of assumed that if someone says that they don't believe in god, they are more than likely politically liberal and that aligns with my beliefs. This was likely flawed as I'm sure there are atheist conservatives out there, I just didn't encounter many of them. If someone had fairly quickly let me know that they were conservative, unless there was some other compelling reason to suss things out, I probably would've not gone out with them again.

Right here - both different religion and political parties. Been married 26 years, 3 kids, 2 now in college - it's never been much of an issue.
I would go so far as to say if these things are really that big of an issue for you, you are going to find yourself on dating apps a lot longer than you might expect. IME, successful couples are that way because they have accepted each other's differences, not because they check all of each other's boxes.

 

[goofyernmost]

At 75 my dating days are long over. I do have female friends that are just that friends to go places with, or have dinner or take in a movie or show with. But after many years of marriage ending in divorce, I do not have any desire to have a romantic relationship again (not that it is possible when you take into consideration my age and the flatness of my wallet).

I would never have asked this years ago, but now I would want to know a little about their political beliefs. I am fine with differences of opinion and even voting for a different party. I'd welcome discussions about the topic if someone is level-headed. If they are hardcore one way or the other and believe deeply in certain conspiracy theories, I'd probably think twice.

I was the same and voted for either side all my life. Whichever, one seemed the most qualified and unfaked. Now not on your tintype. A person would have to be able to prove that they were not radical in either direction or it's a big no thanks. Not interested in lack of logic or reasonable mental flexibility. I don't want to spend my life discussing things with anyone that will not be open to moderate ideas.

So are you saying you prefer or avoid those who smoke some sort of substance? (Not judging but was curious)

I have dated both smokers and nonsmokers so that wasn't an issue, however, I will say that being a smoker is a fantastic way to meet people as you are essentially stuck in an area for at least 5 minutes and can just make conversations. Met so many friends and lovers that way (including my wife).

I don't smoke anymore and honestly when I did I was militant about those that I thought were interfering with my rights. Now, I only wouldn't because I tried it once and before I knew it I was hooked again and let me tell you quitting the second time is far harder then the first time. I do spend a few hours a week with someone that is still a smoker, but they never smoke in my presence. I have never even mentioned it they just had the courtesy to not smoke around me even though I told them that as long as it wasn't constant, I was ok with it.

My red flags:

1. Extreme (far left or far right) political views are a big no for me. I'm a moderate who likes some things from each side of the political spectrum.

2. If you absolutely hate history/historical places, that's a big no.

3. If you hate cats, then the date would be over quickly.

4. If you hate my religion and would not let any future children be raised with those views (whether they follow the religion when they are adults would be their choice), then that would be a no as well.

5. If you would ban watching soccer in the house, that would be a big deal breaker.

6. If you are divorced or separated (especially with kids in a custody situation), that relationship would not last long either.

7. If you have a criminal record, the date would end immediately.

8. If you never want to have kids, that would be a deal breaker too.

Number 6 was something that I have had some experience with. My youngest daughter started dating a man that was 10+years her senior, was divorced and was paying alimony/child support for his two children from that marriage. I was scared for her. I'm sure some of you are aware of how parents can sometimes not mentally let go and you live their pain and anxiety in real time. They have now been married 24 years, have a son that will be graduating from college this coming spring and are planning their 25 anniversary to Hawaii for next year. I was wrong, she is happy but for some reason I can't stop waiting for the other shoe drop. So far, so good. It can work apparently.

 

[disykat]

I agree with Lumpy. We focus on our common beliefs and accept the fact that we cancel out each other's votes sometimes. We are also a two church family as well. I'm currently watching a youtube video of Liz Cheney on the view. They are most certainly finding common ground. I listened to an NPR piece a few years back about a group called "Braver Angels" that talked about getting diverse political groups together to find common ground. This episode of the view (Surprise!) is reminding me of that.

 

[tvguy]

Completely disagree. There are some issues that wade into political that my partner and I need to be on the same page with.

Like what?

 

[goofyernmost]

I agree with Lumpy. We focus on our common beliefs and accept the fact that we cancel out each other's votes sometimes. We are also a two church family as well. I'm currently watching a youtube video of Liz Cheney on the view. They are most certainly finding common ground. I listened to an NPR piece a few years back about a group called "Braver Angels" that talked about getting diverse political groups together to find common ground. This episode of the view (Surprise!) is reminding me of that.

That is very true, but that is the outcome, it's the process that is frustrating and because of the stupendous idiocy of it all at the moment it is that which you deal with everyday. You only vote on single specified days and you do cancel each other out so both might as well stay home and save the gas. But as highly charged as things are right now, it wouldn't surprise me if people felt that they couldn't trust their spouse to not vote anyway. Some relationships are built on unstable soil. There are certain items that are inherently important in any relationship and sadly the current atmosphere is dividing everyone.

 

[tvguy]

I think they are intricately tied together IMO as far as a relationship but I just wanted to say using political party labels to define your interest in someone isn't my cup of tea.

I'm more about actual issues, that tells me about the characteristics and qualities about someone than whether they define themselves one political party or not and I know enough people who blindly vote party line that I find myself thinking that's a detractor because then I'm not sure if the person has really formed an opinion themselves and it doesn't leave as much room for nuances in people's feelings.

Completely my opinion but where you stand on an issue and finding someone who is either respectful of that or has the very similar views isn't the same as excluding based on a political party and I find that excluding based on a political party or like the other poster was saying using moderate only ends up furthering the distance between people and how we interact as a public. It's what happens out there IRL, it is part of the dating world and the friendship world both for young and old alike these days but it's not how I want to choose my friends much less dating interests. I want to get to know them for them and make decisions based on that.

Respectful is a good way to approach it. My wife has arrived at her beliefs after careful consideration, and she thinks I have too. We just sometimes arrived at different conclusions. We respect that. But, we are in California where one party has had a super majority in both houses of the Legislature, and every Constitutional office for years. If you don't agree with their view point, it doesn't matter because it ain't happening.
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[tvguy]

I've used dating apps in the past few months and literally every profile lists their political views or they have something akin to "Will only date liberals, Republicans, etc." so it's safe to say that it's important for a lot of people.

I am aware of that and that baffles me given so many people seem to be apolitical these days.

 

[disneychrista]

This is makes me wonder about some of those niche dating apps like Republican Singles, J-Date, or Farmers Only. Are there that many people on those smaller platforms that it's attracting their target audience? Curious.

Only if you live in a large populated area. I live in a rural area and even Hinge didn’t have more than a few men on it. Maybe next time I venture into the dating world I’ll check out Farmers Only. Though I imagine the thing farmers in my area are growing most is marijuana.

 

[pezgirlroy]

Like what?

Women's reproductive rights; LGBTQ+ rights; and a few other things.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I have never been on a dating site so I cannot answer, but I have wondered the same. How many farmers are looking for love? Apparently enough to spend tons on advertising.

As to the political aspect, though a small sample size it seems relevant that the discussion on this thread is driven by those who consistently interject political opinions. That is, the people who appear to be most political on the CB seem to be most concerned with politics as an impediment to a relationship. Ingrained tribal loyalties create an antagonistic view of those they deem the opposition. I think most people (although many more than 25 years ago) just don't care that much. I do think it sad that many people see it as a binary choice.

Finally, I agree with those who say we become more particular as we age. I am 30 years married and hope that I never have to date. With that comes a confidence that I can be as selective as I wish. I imagine that if I was placed in the dating scenario I would have to be less rigid than my current standards suggest.

I always assumed that farmers hooked up with other farmer's daughters. But what do I know? I am not a farmer. While I agree with you in theory that echo chambers aren't good, why make things tougher than they have to be, when relationships are already hard work? Of course there are things that my wife and I differ on, and that's what makes it exciting. But for things like religious and political beliefs that can be at the core of a person's identity, I can certainly understand why trying to find someone who is at least in the basic camp can avoid a lot of fights in the future. Plus, while things might start out "ok," they don't always stay that way. When my ex wife and I met, she was perfectly fine with my atheism. But as she got more religious, she became less and less tolerant of it and tried to pressure me in finding Jesus. I found the door.

IME, successful couples are that way because they have accepted each other's differences, not because they check all of each other's boxes.

Well, this gets to the whole point of why I asked the question in the first place. What would be a deal breaker for you when meeting someone new. I'm not at all suggesting that someone should be so rigid that they nitpick for the little things but it's led to an interesting discussion on what qualities we hold dear to ourselves and in our partners.