Dealing with Family

[donac]

Sometimes you just have to get over it. My family came to our house on Easter and I felt so discouraged, I actually crept away for a few minutes and lay down. DH and I went to a lot of trouble to make the day nice for everyone. At the end of a somewhat casual meal, everyone left their plates on the table, crashed on the couch or went outside while DH, DD, my MIL, and I cleaned everything up. I called one family member before the event to ask them to pick something up that I forgot and it was a huge deal - like I was asking too much of them. This was after I stayed up until 1 a.m. and woke up early Sunday to prepare foods that were special accommodations for dietary restrictions.

Today, I'm realizing a few things. I was too tired and brought some of this on myself. I didn't have to go to all the trouble I did. I know how my family is and they're never going to change. I love my family and if I want to see them on holidays, I will either have to accept them or specifically ask them for clean-up help (or just leave everything until the next day).

Also, I learned that next year, I'll try to do a lot more earlier in the week, tone things down a bit, and get more sleep . My family isn't all bad. They may be clueless, but they can also be generous and kind. They're also good to my kids. I think I will enjoy them more at the next holiday if I chill out and accept their "rudeness."

I guess I did have some expectations, but it was foolish considering the history. I have made my hopes known in the past, so they probably know but have made a choice. And really, I don't want much help - maybe bringing a paper plate to the trash or throwing a napkin away.

I have decided to adjust my expectations and maybe make it clear what I feel good about doing and what I won't do - especially for the special dietary issues. If I had more help, I would be happy to do it, but I could avoid feeling taken advantage of if I just cut some things out. Like I said, I will be adjusting my own attitude - because I know they're not going to change.

I think if the incident with my request for a certain person to pick something up for me hadn't went bad, I wouldn't have been upset at all (or not too much ). It felt a little obnoxious to me. But again, I am getting over it today and will deal with it differently in the future.

I know exactly how you feel. I had been hosting Christmas for dh's family for a good number of years. Dmil would do Thanksgiving . One year she got sick and while she was home she wasn't up to cooking. My dsils do not cook (one lives with my in laws) so I offered to come down and cook. Since then I have been cooking Thanksgiving at my house (their over doesn't work. DON"T ASK) and traveling down there. I also have been bringing Christmas dinner down there since she is too fragile to travel.

Only one of my sil will help clean up. The other two just sit there. I have to have several very long talks with myself before the holidays. I do a hugh attitude adjustment before these two holidays. I keep telling myself that I am doing it just for my mil. It is difficult but you had some great thoughts afterward so just keep thinking of those as the holidays approach. It is not easy but you can do it. Good luck.

 

[Stitchfans]

Unless you adopt.

that is if you are the one adopting. Coming from someone who was adopted, I had no choice. I just lucked out since my folks were/are wonderful parents. (mom passed away a while back in '99)

 

[ols386]

Personally, if I'm the hostess at my house, I'd rather do the clean-up by myself, but if I'm at someone else's house as a guest, I always offer to help, and do help if it seems like the hostess wants me to help clean-up.

I think offering to help with clean-up is polite, and if the host/hostess genuinely seems like they don't want the help, then I don't help.

Also think if you are the hostess, and if you want help, and no one seems to be helping, it's ok to speak up and nicely ask for help. If you don't speak-up, others really can't read your mind.

 

[Bob NC]

When people stack the plates, both sides of the plate get dirty, meaning I have to give both sides of the plate a good cleaning - instead of washing one side and giving the other just a cursory rinse. Come over, hang out, eat til you want to burst, pour some port, set up the Wii - just don't stack my plates!

It's kind of a running joke at my house, "Don't stack the plates, then we'll have to wash both sides!!!!"

(Well, up until now we thought it was a joke.)

 

[ksjayhawks]

Since it is family, tell them what you expect. I see nothing wrong with asking them to help you out. You can also assign chores or draw for them--that way everyone has a job to do.

"After we are done eating, everyone should take their plates, silverware, and cups to the kitchen and put them on the counter."

"We are going to draw for chores this year. Everyone take a slip, then let me know what you got."

 

[Andtototoo]

OP, I hear you. I really can't imagine the host or hostess, no matter how picky about their kitchen, not appreciating guests who help bring dinner plates, cups and saucers, and serving dishes over to the sink. The host/hostess can load the dishwasher, do the hand dishes, etc. Just clearing the table, taking out the trash are simple things ANYONE can do.

Anywhere I go, these are the minimum things I try to do so the host/hostess can enjoy the day too.

And yet, I've had people snap at me to get out and complain later that I was "presumptuous" simply for carrying my plate into the kitchen.

So while you may not be able to imagine it, doesn't mean these people don't exist. I can introduce you to my MIL or my step-MIL, if you'd like.

 

[mhsjax]

And yet, I've had people snap at me to get out and complain later that I was "presumptuous" simply for carrying my plate into the kitchen.

So while you may not be able to imagine it, doesn't mean these people don't exist. I can introduce you to my MIL or my step-MIL, if you'd like.

I can tell you one thing, any relative that snapped at me for trying to help, would be spending the next several minutes removing my foot from their ****. Talk about RUDE.

 

[happymommy]

With my in-laws, I do not want them doing my dishes! I hate (HATE!) the way they are so careless with our china (or any dishes) that I have to ask them (then tell them!) to go relax, and that we'll do the dishes ourselves. It's just that they do them in a way that really BUGS me! They kind of take over the kitchen (just my brother in law and his wife) and they are really a pain about it. I guess you'd have to be there, but they just butt in and start washing stuff not the way I do, and I put things in the dishwasher differently (like, um... not putting a sharp knife with the blade up!).

It goes way beyond that - like when they bring over fruit, I would think if you're bringing over fruit that you'd bring it already cut up and on a plate or bowl (especially for a formal party). No, whole fruit. Gotta go and mess up my kitchen and cut it up, core it, etc... Oh, and the dumplings, they brought over raw on Thanksgiving (my in-laws are Korean and I'm white), and I had just cleaned off my huge cooktop. I had a fit!

I go to any of their homes, and if we eat, yes, my brother in law and his wife always take over and clean up, but I am a guest, so I do not do dishes there (at my father in law's or sister in law's house). And I do not want them to do dishes at my house.

This is one reason why I did not invite anyone over on Easter! I just wanted a nice dinner with my husband and kids. Thanksgiving and Christmas are more than enough for me.

 

[ols386]

I can tell you one thing, any relative that snapped at me for trying to help, would be spending the next several minutes removing my foot from their ****. Talk about RUDE.

Now that sounds like a great solution.

 

[believe]

When I would host Thanksgiving my brother always did the dishes. I was always so thankful for that and he seemed to enjoy doing his part. It allowed me to clean up faster and enjoy everyone's company. My family knew that no one was to be in the kitchen before dinner, but was always welcome to help with clean-up. I always made sure the dishwasher was empty and major dishes were already washed, so it minimized the clean-up after dinner.

I will say at my MIL's house it is only myself or DH that helps with the dishes. Even when SIL sees us helping she doesn't offer to help. Ironically, neither DH or I didn't eat dinner there...but we helped clean up. This isn't just at holidays, this is at any visit, which I think is totally rude...especially when sometimes they are inviting themselves over. I don't say anything because it is MIL place.

I just can't imagine leaving someone to end their evening cleaning up after everyone. I know for me I enjoy my house being pretty clean when the last person leaves, makes for better memories

I think next year you should ask some individuals if they mind helping with clean up so you can socialize a bit more with everyone. I am sure some would be more than happy to help.

 

[disykat]

Now that sounds like a great solution.

Not every comment is meant to be taken literally.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Now that sounds like a great solution.

Not intending to speak for that poster, but I'm pretty sure she was being facetious.

ETA: Sorry disykat, I should have just read your post before responding.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I usually only host up to 10 folks at a time when we do parties anymore for less stress.

I can say that my Mother is no longer allowed to help in the kitchen when she visits us.

She scrapes kitchen scraps down our sink which doesn't have a garbage disposal and clogs up the sink. Since her house doesn't have a garbage disposal I don't understand why she does that.

The last time she stayed with us she decided to help by doing dishes while I was out running errands. She couldn't find the dish soap which is kept under the kitchen sink and walked upstairs, got laundry detergent and did the dishes with that. The only reason I found out was because when I returned I saw the laundry detergent on the counter and asked about it.

OP, good luck with your next family gathering.

 

[esk]

My mother taught us to help no matter where we are. Although sometimes it is more awkward to try to bus your own plate, so I defer to the host/hostess on that one....if I pick up my plate and they freak out, I put it down and offer to help set out dessert. If I bring my plate into the kitchen and nothing is said, or I get a "thank you" then I go back for more plates. I do not load other people's dishwashers though, because everyone has a way to do it. I mainly bring stuff in and put it on the counter. At family's house, I will put it in tupperwares, etc and into the fridge, but not when I'm at a friend's house because I don't know how they store food.

But my MIL --- wow. She never. ever. ever. picks up her own plate, or anyone else's. She doesn't help set the table, or clear it, or anything. She mainly sits on the couch, or at the kitchen table, talking THE WHOLE TIME, while you work, but she doesn't help at all. Once stayed with us for 10 days and did not--at all during that time--take a plate to the sink. My SIL will help and lets me help, and vice versa, but my MIL just doesn't. I'm not sure how my DH and SIL were raised but they have excellent manners. My in laws(parents) do not.

 

[alex9179]

And yet, I've had people snap at me to get out and complain later that I was "presumptuous" simply for carrying my plate into the kitchen.

So while you may not be able to imagine it, doesn't mean these people don't exist. I can introduce you to my MIL or my step-MIL, if you'd like.

With my in-laws, I do not want them doing my dishes! I hate (HATE!) the way they are so careless with our china (or any dishes) that I have to ask them (then tell them!) to go relax, and that we'll do the dishes ourselves. It's just that they do them in a way that really BUGS me! They kind of take over the kitchen (just my brother in law and his wife) and they are really a pain about it. I guess you'd have to be there, but they just butt in and start washing stuff not the way I do, and I put things in the dishwasher differently (like, um... not putting a sharp knife with the blade up!).

It goes way beyond that - like when they bring over fruit, I would think if you're bringing over fruit that you'd bring it already cut up and on a plate or bowl (especially for a formal party). No, whole fruit. Gotta go and mess up my kitchen and cut it up, core it, etc... Oh, and the dumplings, they brought over raw on Thanksgiving (my in-laws are Korean and I'm white), and I had just cleaned off my huge cooktop. I had a fit!

I go to any of their homes, and if we eat, yes, my brother in law and his wife always take over and clean up, but I am a guest, so I do not do dishes there (at my father in law's or sister in law's house). And I do not want them to do dishes at my house.

This is one reason why I did not invite anyone over on Easter! I just wanted a nice dinner with my husband and kids. Thanksgiving and Christmas are more than enough for me.

Who else got a chuckle out of seeing these two posts together?
Shoot! I meant to add the foot in the rear comment.

My Grandma got onto me about stacking plates once, although it was weird because in the 20-30 yrs I've been helping it was never an issue and I've seen her stack since! I think it may be an age thing Usually, I ask if I can do anything and if someone isn't sure, I'll offer something specific. I know people have their own ways of doing stuff and I'm not there to make things difficult.

 

[OllieDannyandMe]

For future events, do you think it might work to invite your family members to a pot luck? You could even send an invitation that specifies what to bring (appetizer, salad, side dish, dessert). That way, you might be stuck with the clean up, but everyone would be helping with the preparation.

One of my favorite get-togethers ever was a Scorpio birthday party for a bunch of friends born in October. Everyone brought a different Asian themed dish. I ordered a big platter of jicama spring rolls from a restaurant to take to the party. There were soups, sushi, egg rolls, pot stickers, fresh fruit, teryaki meat on skewers. All of the food was a hit. It was awesome!

 

[mhsjax]

Not intending to speak for that poster, but I'm pretty sure she was being facetious.

ETA: Sorry disykat, I should have just read your post before responding.

Exactly, I would never kick someone in the butt. HOwever, if that situation ever happened I would be very ticked off. I can't imagine being rude to someone trying to help. I understand not wanting the help, but just state nicely, that you would prefer to do it yourself. In reality anyone that does snap at help needs a kick in the butt, but I wouldn't be the one to give it. Only in my mind would I.

 

[mhsjax]

Now that sounds like a great solution.

ABout as great as someone snapping at a person trying to help..

See above post. I wouldn't really do it, doesn't mean they don't deserve it though.