Dh's job adversely affecting my health.

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I have followed and supported my husbands career. He was totally free to choose his job because he was the one who had to be there every day.

My jobs have always been secondary and right now i am not working outside the home except a small web business.

BUt just realized today that his job of 8 years has been adversely affecting my health for over a year because of his stress in it. Last November i was talking to one Doctor (Pulmonologist)about the stress from DH's job and then this morning i was talking to another Doctor (OB/Gyn)about the stress from DH's job. Both Doctors had questioned me about stress in my life because they thought that stress was causing the health problems.

So, can i ask him to change careers?

 

[poohandwendy]

What type of job does he have and what is it about his job that causes you stress?

 

[poohandwendy]

Either way, the first thing I would do is to enter individual and/or marital counselling to see if you can de-stress without his having to walk away from the job that is paying the bills.

I think it is important to recognize that stress is causing your health problems...not necessarily his job. There is no way to even tell if his job is the main reason you are stressed, it could be a multitude of combined issues that are making you stressed.

You need to find out why it is causing you such stress and how you can cope with whatever pressure you are feeling. You also may need to work on the marriage if you are not working together for solutions as partners.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

He has a high paying/ high stress job. He is pretty unhappy about his job also and actively looking for another job and also investigating starting his own small business. The stress is definitetly(sp) from his job. He has to travel a lot and that is also hard on the whole family. I know a lot of people have a lot of job stress now. My sister describes her Husband's job as "being on the Barbeque."

So yesterday i was talking to my Ob/Gyn about WDW.
He asked what i was doing to cope with stress and i was telling him about the Disney Half Marathon coming up in January that i am training for (walking- just did 6 miles on the treadmill)). He thought the physical exercise would be a good stress reliever. He says most people don't get physically tired anymore, just mentally tired.
Also trying meditation at night and shutting off worry thoughts. Also trying to remember the words to the old song "Que Sera, Sera Whatever will be, will be" because there is nothing i can do to change the circumstances of his job.

When he accepted the job, he thought the job stress would be occasional, not constant.

 

[kasar]

I know how you feel - DH has a crazy job too. I tried asking him to switch careers when we were first married and I had two babies at home. He did but then we found out that it wasn't the job - it was the person. He was working just as many hours as the old job, but for less money. He went back to the original job and while it's never going to be great, we're used to it. Unfortunately, he works at a job where overtime and ungodly hours are not only expected, but handsomely rewarded so that only fuels the fire. We've had so many discussions about it but bottom line is, he is who he is.

The problem is he loves his job, he loves the comraderie and the sense of importance that come with it. I'm glad he's fulfilled, but at the same time, I feel a little like a single parent most of the time and I'm getting tired. So, yes, I understand how it can affect your health - I'm right now making changes in my health and trying to take more time for myself and become stronger in many ways. It's time.

 

[Kermit]

You haven't mentioned talking to your DH about it. If you haven't, you should. I wouldn't blame your stress on his job, though, when you talk to him. Instead, I'd tell him that you feel stressed, and talk about things that both of you could do to help you with it. (Ideally, you'll wait to tell him what he can do when he asks. However, that may not happen.) Many people, particularly men, consider their job as a big part of their self-image. You don't want him to feel like you're attacking who he is, even if that isn't your intention.

Before you talk to him, you may want to have a good talk with yourself. I find writing things down to be a great way to get my thoughts in order. You can try writing down why you feel stressed and what would need to change for you to feel better. Be realistic and think things through. Also, consider that if your DH did change careers, there could be other kinds of stress. There could be a drop in income, he could spend less time at home while he took classes for a new line of work, etc. You may find that you need to talk to someone, either a friend or a professional, to really get your thoughts in order.

It is important to be able to let go of stress and not worry, and I wish you well in your journey. I do think it's important to remember that you'll never be able to control what happens in your life--you can only control how you respond to life's challenges. Finding things that help you cope with stress, whether they be exercise, a hobby, religion, a change in nutrition, a dog, etc., will serve you for the rest of your life. Even if your DH does decide to change careers, you'll be doing yourself a favor if you're able to find ways to reduce some of the stress yourself.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I'm glad he's fulfilled, but at the same time, I feel a little like a single parent most of the time and I'm getting tired.

DH is gone so much i feel like a quasi single parent too. I just make my plans assuming he won't be with us.
Sometimes I'm almost afraid my friends think i have an imaginary husband because he is around so little and trying to catch up on his sleep when he is home.
He was very happy with his job 8 years ago but the industry has changed and he isn't happy any longer. If he was happy i think it would be less stressful for me.

 

[WIcruizer]

It happens so gradually, you don't realize until it's too late. A few years ago I realized I was traveling about 50% of the time. It started as a temporary function of my position, but became the norm.

Finally, during one of my trips I decided I had enough. Sitting alone in my hotel room in yet another vaguely familiar city, recapping a meeting that could have been done over the phone, by someone else, or maybe not necessary at all. I can't remember which.

It dawned on me I couldn't live this way anymore. Even if that meant taking a lower paying job and changing our standard of living. I made two job changes with varying degrees of happiness and income, but at least I was home and I was a husband and father again.

Two years ago I changed jobs again, and now make more money, work less hours, have less responsibility, love my job, and travel far less than the job I I thought I could never leave. Yes, I made the decision, but there is certainly luck involved.

Life's too short. There comes a time when many men have to decide whether family or his job comes first. Not as easy as it sounds. I know, I lived it. After a while though, you have to wonder if you choose career what does that say? You'd rather spens time at work than at home. It is more complicated than that, yet it's as simple as that.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

It is important to be able to let go of stress and not worry, and I wish you well in your journey. I do think it's important to remember that you'll never be able to control what happens in your life--you can only control how you respond to life's challenges. Finding things that help you cope with stress, whether they be exercise, a hobby, religion, a change in nutrition, a dog, etc., will serve you for the rest of your life. Even if your DH does decide to change careers, you'll be doing yourself a favor if you're able to find ways to reduce some of the stress yourself.

This past year i had been dealing with many relatively minor health problems and we had both been stressed by Dh's job. I just hadn't put 2 and 2 together. In between the the Pulmonologist and the Ob/Gyn were at least 2 appointments with retiring and then new Internist about health problems and stress.

exercise -check Half Marathon in January, maybe Minnie in May
hobby- reading and friends and 2 book clubs and Dis boards-check
nutrition- weight watchers-check
Meditation- check, have to do on own now, used to go to local group
Dog-check for DH also- a lovely Golden Retriever who would sit in your lap if you let him but he weighs 95 pounds
I've watched some of those educational tapes on emotional control about how you can control your response but think that is only partly true.
Will try to add some more fun each day.
DH is sick of the stress from his job also- we do talk- a lot. Been married 22 years.
We are old enough to both have gone through many stressful situations sucessfully but this one is wearing us both down. I told the Ob/Gyn that I thought I was less resilient now than when i was younger. I think youth just gets issued with a little more optimism.

 

[Aidensmom]

It's not neccessarily his job that is causing you stress, but the negative consequences of his job and your reaction to them.

My DH worked nights for our whole marriage until a few months ago, I was very much like a single parent. During the day I went to work, DS went to daycare, when we got home DH was getting up and getting ready to go to work. DH's schedule was Wed-Sat nights overnight, so on weekends he was sleeping during the day, and DS and I usually went somewhere by ourselves.

It was not his job that stressed me, but rather some of the consequences of his job. I discussed those consequences with DH, and we came up with solutions. Compromises included DH not going to bed right away on Sunday, but doing something with the family, and DH taking care of some of the errands during the day that were hard for me to get to. I also chose to look at the positive aspects of the situation, such as the special bonding time I got to spend with my son.

If I were you, I would make a list of the things about the consequences of his job that make you stressed, and discuss them with him to see what kind of solutions you can come up with before asking him to quit his job.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Interesting topic.

My dh stresses out in every job. I used to listen to details and I would offer advice and then we would fight about, when we were younger.

We came to an agreement and an understanding about how he handles the stress of his jobs, which is not well.

When he complains I offer exercise, eating right, etc....Of course it is met with shrugging off. He is in sales and cut throat comes with the territory. I couldn't do it.

It does affect me. I have found that exercise really does help me but I would be better if HE could handle things better. He brings it home too much.
I don't have any big ideas for you, but you are not alone.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[powellrj]

I have told my DH I feel like a single parent most of our lives because of his jobs. We have lived this way for 27 years. I don't like it, but I have learned to live with it. We can't make any family plans that include him because I never know if he will have to work. I just assume he will never be with us and then enjoy his company if he is there. I cringe everytime there is an RSVP. People don't understand that I don't know until THAT DAY if dh will be there or not. I just usually say we won't be there because I really don't know. There are many people who assume I am a single parent because they have never met my DH. He usually works Sunday morning so he never goes to church with us.

I have no advise for you. Only to send you hugs because I know how hard it is. If you can make-up the income while he tries to find a new job, maybe that would work.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Thanks for the good wishes. It also helps to know others are in similar situations so i don't feel too sorry for myself!

 

[Martha7]

I can totally identify with everyone's posts. The real stress comes when there is no job! We moved to the Ann Arbor area a year ago last summer for a new job. After 5 months, they fired the guy who had hired my DH, and last February, my DH was let go. We had severence, but that's gone now, so we're paying over a thousand dollars a month for our COBRA healthcare, and we're using an equity line on the house to live. My DH was always a super driven, workaholic guy, who traveled up to 50 percent at times for these companies. Believe me when I tell you that he has learned about loyalty to the employee. Although he has made some good bonuses, real loyalty to the employee is nonexistant anymore. If they can save some $, they'll cut you loose! The good side of this lay-off has been that we've reconnected, and I've learned that he won't actually drive me crazy when we're retired and living alone. (Of course, at this rate, there may be no actual retirement either!)

 

[poohandwendy]

OP, you never mentioned professional counselling in your checklist. I seriously would start there, especially because it is affecting your health. A counsellor may be able to rule out the possibility of an underlying anxiety disorder that could be making it harder to cope with stressors. Especially since you say it seems to be worse now than when you were younger. Just a thought.

I just think the best way to deal with it would be to start with finding out what specifically is making it hard for you to cope with this, to the point where your health is being affected. Then, I would go from there. That may or may not mean a job change would be the best. But without a professional's guidance, I would be concerned that his quitting the job 'may' not cure the problem and then you both would have even more stress in your lives.



Good luck to you.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

The stress is mostly financial insecurity. Will he have a job? Won't he have a job. Will we have health insurance next month?
He took a major pay cut last year. His company recently declared bankruptcy so he will only get a fraction of the anticipated pension through PBGC. We have two kids we want to help through college or vocational training. We do have emergency savings and our only debt is a mortgage but our cars both have over 140k miles.
We have been helped by seeing a family counselor before on a couple of issues but didn't think it would be helpful in this case.
When he wakes up we'll be doing my resume up and sending it out. I think it will be relatively easy for me to find a job though it won't pay nearly as well. But would allow him to take a different job even if it takes 2 incomes to replace his previous one. DD is 4 so we will have to pay child care this year and next before she is in school fulltime and would just need surround care. We had planned on my staying home untill she was in school full time.

addition: Doctor just called and he thinks the pain isn't my gall bladder since tests show normal but may be a peptic ulcer so he told me to take prilosec for a 2 weeks to see if it helps.