Disclosing cause of death on social media.

[lovin'fl]

This is one FB thing I've seen a few times and it bugs the heck out of me. It is very cruel and kind of elitist to post a vague memorandum type thing and have other folks 'in the know' responding equally vaguely and then someone not 'in the know', very reasonably, wants to know what happened and.....crickets. I guess it goes under that category of vaguebooking....and I hate vaguebooking. I agree with OP. If it's something too delicate to discuss then it shouldn't be brought up in any way shape or form on FB. At all. Not the right place.

When I've seen it, and I am curious what happened, I won't ask. Early in FB, a couple years after we moved from one state to another, a friend from the old state posted one about someone I knew and I was 'that girl' asking everyone what happened. It was even a post like this...'OMG, pray for so and so in her time of such a devastating loss and shocking horrific event'. And...crickets. Not even a private message. So, being quick on the uptake, I learned never to ask on one of those type posts again. But, every time, someone asks and...crickets.

 

[Sabeking]

It would not bother me if someone asked how a family member died. What would bother me is if a family member posted a relatives death on social media to let me know. I don’t care if it was a distant relative, pick up a phone and tell me or have another relative call me.

 

[kimblebee]

It would not bother me if someone asked how a family member died. What would bother me is if a family member posted a relatives death on social media to let me know. I don’t care if it was a distant relative, pick up a phone and tell me or have another relative call me.

Exactly. If you’re at the point where
You’re putting it on social media, everyone who needs to know should already know, either by you or someone else.

 

[luvsJack]

This is one FB thing I've seen a few times and it bugs the heck out of me. It is very cruel and kind of elitist to post a vague memorandum type thing and have other folks 'in the know' responding equally vaguely and then someone not 'in the know', very reasonably, wants to know what happened and.....crickets. I guess it goes under that category of vaguebooking....and I hate vaguebooking. I agree with OP. If it's something too delicate to discuss then it shouldn't be brought up in any way shape or form on FB. At all. Not the right place.

When I've seen it, and I am curious what happened, I won't ask. Early in FB, a couple years after we moved from one state to another, a friend from the old state posted one about someone I knew and I was 'that girl' asking everyone what happened. It was even a post like this...'OMG, pray for so and so in her time of such a devastating loss and shocking horrific event'. And...crickets. Not even a private message. So, being quick on the uptake, I learned never to ask on one of those type posts again. But, every time, someone asks and...crickets.

Cruel? To who?

 

[sasywtch]

If you really want to know, many Coroners office post the cause of death on their websites.

This is how it looks on our coroner's website. This man was 45 died in a hit and run motor vehicle accident.

18-05300 TAGINTSEV ANDREY Hit/Run (MVA) 45 1/15/1973 10/9/2018 Male Caucasian Citrus Heights 10/9/2018

The guy in the Mercedes on Greenback. Not too far from me

 

[morgan98]

I sort of think that letting people know someone has died is one thing. If people do not share the reason upfront, I think it is rude to continue to push for an answer. I mean people need to be more socially aware and not test boundaries. (And I am talking about casual acquaintances in the case of death. I would hope those close to the deceased would have shared the reasons in another forum).

Not related, but it sort of reminds me when an employer shares that someone has left the company. I mean people need to know for coverage, etc. However, there are always those that want to push, push, push for an answer, even when someone was terminated and the reasons cannot be shared.

Sometimes you have to wonder if people really care or are just being obtuse. You can tell the difference very often in the interaction.

 

[GreatLakes]

I think it is totally normal to wonder why someone died, especially someone that young. I also think anyone with an ounce of awareness or common sense would be self-aware enough not to ask in a public social media post. If you are that curious it isn't hard to find considering death certificates are public records.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I don't fault the woman for wondering how the person died, or even posting once "Oh Goodness, I am so sorry to hear this, what happened?", but when she didn't get a response, she should have PM'd someone instead of posting over and over again.

My cousin's brother in law died a few years ago and he was young. My cousin's wife posted on Facebook that her brother had died and how heartbroken she was. My natural instinct was to wonder what happened because I knew the brother was just in his 30's, so I texted another cousin that I knew was very close to them and asked what had happened.

 

[disney junky]

I'm always curious but I wouldn't ask.

 

[soccerdad72]

In a lot of cases that I've seen recently (I've had two or three HS classmates die in the past year), those who are 'in the know' often Direct Message those who are asking about what happened. Or, in the case of a classmate who passed a month or so ago, there ended up being a news article posted, since he was a police officer who died of a massive heart attack while on duty.

 

[tvguy]

Most folks are going to be curious....especially if the person who passed had no known ailments.......because we want to know if it could happen to us.
A co-workers son passed away at age 32......died at his kitchen table while his wife fixed breakfast. Coroner did an autopsy. Family paid for a private autopsy. Both concluded that the deceased appeared to be in perfect health with no sign of what the cause of death was. Family wanted to know in case there was a genetic condition that he could have passed onto his children. That was 26 years ago and my co-worker....his dad, says he still wishes he had the closure that knowing what happened would have given him.

 

[HopperFan]

I watched this play out again last week as a former coworker of mine died. (Just for the record, she was not someone I ever knew well and it’s been so long since I worked with her that I barely even recognized her in the photos being posted, so I was not personally involved in any of this.) Other former coworkers of mine, some who had very close relationships with the deceased, took to Facebook to express their grief, shock, condolences, etc. And, of course, other people started to ask what happened. (The deceased was only in her thirties and her death was seemingly completely unexpected by those who knew her.) One woman in particular, who had also worked with the deceased coworker at some point, seemed very upset about the news. She posted multiple times on multiple people’s threads asking what happened, becoming increasingly more distressed sounding the longer she didn’t get an answer. And ignored she was. Not a single person “in the know” would tell her what happened to cause the sudden death of this woman, even after returning to their posts to thank people for their condolences, etc. The only direct response I saw given to her question of what happened was when one person responded with “X passed away last night.” Well, no kidding.

I think wanting to know the cause of death is a normal human response upon hearing this kind of news. Perhaps it brings a sense of closure or understanding, and I think it was kind of cruel for everyone to withhold that information from her. I have a hard time imagining they would shut her down like that face-to-face. On the other hand, I understand family members wanting to privately grieve and not all details are fit for public consumption. But then I think, maybe you wouldn’t be publicly announcing someone’s death on social media if you were all that concerned for the family’s privacy in the first place.

What do you guys think? Is it appropriate to disclose the cause of death in a public, or semi-public, setting? Does the way in which one died affect that?

The family should have been discreet and not posted it on social media if they didn’t want to answer questions.

The family extended the boundaries by posting on social media. Thinking things will stay small and intimate online is just wrong.

Coworkers posted this on facebook, not family.
Nosey Nancy, another coworker, was questioning coworkers, not family.

She should have just talked directly to one of them to ask and if not in the same location send a facebook private message OR an email, am sure they all have company emails they could touch base with. I would never ask ANYTHING on a public post, instead would send a private message.

It would not bother me if someone asked how a family member died. What would bother me is if a family member posted a relatives death on social media to let me know. I don’t care if it was a distant relative, pick up a phone and tell me or have another relative call me.

Having been in the position to make those calls ..... it's not always emotionally or strategically an option to personally reach out to everyone. You can ask others to spread the word, you can hope that those told would touch base with all they know .... but when someone is in the middle of loss they shouldn't have to make their main focus going through the phone book, tracking down numbers etc. I would never expect personal phone calls.

I am friends with many distant relatives on facebook, a wonderful tool to keep connected ... and I have virtually none of their phone numbers. Certainly I would try to private message them all but I would also be open to receiving their messages and questions if I posted an open post on my timeline. Many no longer do obituaries because in many places you have to pay for them. They may not want to post on an open obituary website for the public to read. I think facebook is an acceptable way to post it where it can be set that only your friends can read.

Death is handled different by every single person, and often their actions are reflections of their past experiences.

 

[siren0119]

The family should have been discreet and not posted it on social media if they didn’t want to answer questions.



The family extended the boundaries by posting on social media. Thinking things will stay small and intimate online is just wrong.

If I read the OP correctly, it wasn't family that posted on Facebook, it was other former coworkers of the deceased.

Having been through this, the family ultimately decides what and how much detail is made public. The coworker who repeatedly asked what happened was out of line, she was trying to fulfill HER need to know. We had this happen when my mom passed, we chose not to divulge much detail about the cause (it wasn't anything stigmatic or taboo, just a medical issue she didn't know about - but we were trying hard to focus on her and her legacy not her cause of death) and yes there were people who dug for details. Those who knew us well enough would reach out privately or call - those who just needled for details online weren't asking for our benefit or hers, they were asking for their own needs. Those got ignored.

 

[BeckyEsq]

My husband passed a few months ago at age 44. I deliberately mentioned his brain cancer in the announcement because I did not want people to think he had committed suicide or overdosed -- though most of our friends and acquaintances already knew about his battle. In the death notice for the paper we thanked his doctors at the cancer center partly for the same reason. I think it's human nature to wonder about the cause of death in someone young. People want an explanation that is comforting so they can tell themselves "well that won't happen to me." In such circumstances if I really wanted to know I would not post in the comments but message someone privately and say "I understand if you can't share, but I was wondering if you could tell me what happened?"

 

[siren0119]

My husband passed a few months ago at age 44. I deliberately mentioned his brain cancer in the announcement because I did not want people to think he had committed suicide or overdosed -- though most of our friends and acquaintances already knew about his battle. In the death notice for the paper we thanked his doctors at the cancer center partly for the same reason. I think it's human nature to wonder about the cause of death in someone young. People want an explanation that is comforting so they can tell themselves "well that won't happen to me." In such circumstances if I really wanted to know I would not post in the comments but message someone privately and say "I understand if you can't share, but I was wondering if you could tell me what happened?"

So sorry for your loss. And I totally agree - sending a private message/email/phone call is the appropriate way to ask the question if cause of death wasn't specified. If someone isn't comfortable directly contacting the family or someone close to them to ask, chances are it's not an appropriate question for them to be asking.

 

[lifesavacation]

I would personally never ask such a question. My dad's ex-wife recently passed away and our family found out through condolences made on her son's FB page. Of course we were curious how she passed, but if her family wanted people to know her cause of death, I'm sure they would have shared it unsolicited.

 

[mjkacmom]

My sister and I are always curious when someone younger dies. Our very active, super healthy mom passed away after a four month battle against a very aggressive cancer. We put those details in the obituary, which we also posted on Facebook. We knew people would want to know what happened, plus preferred to have the information out there rather than answer the question over and over.

 

[Hikergirl]

As I said, it's natural to be curious, but it's still not OK to be intrusive or insensitive. Posting on social media is not an invitation to forget basic rules of polite behavior.

Fortunately all of my social media contacts were caring and considerate. If they had questions they dealt with them appropriately.

We will have to agree to disagree here, I don't find it insensitive or intrusive to ask questions when someone announces a death on social media.

If social media is an acceptable forum to let everyone know then you have already set the rules about what is acceptable communication from others. If one does not think questions are appropriate, tell me why is it appropriate to announce a death in such a way? IMO that is insensitive in the first place. When my mother died I let people know personally, then those I spoke to only on FB (who found out from those I spoke directly too) sent condolences that way. I never made a social announcement about her death but if I did I would of course expect people to ask questions via social media since that was the communication avenue I chose.

 

[kimblebee]

Coworkers posted this on facebook, not family.
Nosey Nancy, another coworker, was questioning coworkers, not family.

She should have just talked directly to one of them to ask and if not in the same location send a facebook private message OR an email, am sure they all have company emails they could touch base with. I would never ask ANYTHING on a public post, instead would send a private message.





Having been in the position to make those calls ..... it's not always emotionally or strategically an option to personally reach out to everyone. You can ask others to spread the word, you can hope that those told would touch base with all they know .... but when someone is in the middle of loss they shouldn't have to make their main focus going through the phone book, tracking down numbers etc. I would never expect personal phone calls.

I am friends with many distant relatives on facebook, a wonderful tool to keep connected ... and I have virtually none of their phone numbers. Certainly I would try to private message them all but I would also be open to receiving their messages and questions if I posted an open post on my timeline. Many no longer do obituaries because in many places you have to pay for them. They may not want to post on an open website for the public to read. I think facebook is an acceptable way to post it where it can be set that only your friends can read.

Death is handled different by every single person, and often their actions are reflections of their past experiences.

If I read the OP correctly, it wasn't family that posted on Facebook, it was other former coworkers of the deceased.

Having been through this, the family ultimately decides what and how much detail is made public. The coworker who repeatedly asked what happened was out of line, she was trying to fulfill HER need to know. We had this happen when my mom passed, we chose not to divulge much detail about the cause (it wasn't anything stigmatic or taboo, just a medical issue she didn't know about - but we were trying hard to focus on her and her legacy not her cause of death) and yes there were people who dug for details. Those who knew us well enough would reach out privately or call - those who just needled for details online weren't asking for our benefit or hers, they were asking for their own needs. Those got ignored.

My mistake. Thank you for clearing it up.

 

[Skywalker]

We will have to agree to disagree here, I don't find it insensitive or intrusive to ask questions when someone announces a death on social media.

If social media is an acceptable forum to let everyone know then you have already set the rules about what is acceptable communication from others. If one does not think questions are appropriate, tell me why is it appropriate to announce a death in such a way? IMO that is insensitive in the first place. When my mother died I let people know personally, then those I spoke to only on FB (who found out from those I spoke directly too) sent condolences that way. I never made a social announcement about her death but if I did I would of course expect people to ask questions via social media since that was the communication avenue I chose.

My thoughts are along this line as well. When you are at the point of posting about a death on Facebook, no need to act all outraged when people respond / discuss / ask questions on Facebook.

I think you could frame it as people ask to be nosy, but you could also frame it as people ask because they CARE.