Do you know anyone with a controlling spouse?

[mylightshines]

My sister was. Luckily, she finally got rid of him a few years ago. A few things I can think of.

While they were visiting, I needed to run to Kmart to pick up something for my kids that they needed for school. Kmart is less than a mile away. She had to ask him PERMISSION if she could go and then he proceeded to interrogate us and find out exactly what we were buying and how long we would be gone.

He would go hunting almost every weekend and for a week at a time several times during the year. She was not allowed to drive two hours to visit me or our mom while he was gone.

He and my husband were going to a football game and he asked what we were going to do. I replied, oh, probably go to a few bars and hang out. (Keep in mind I don't drink, never have drink, and I don't think I've EVER been to a bar). He was furious. Later, he told my husband he would put up with his wife talking like that.

She put him through school, paid his child support for years and paid 90% of all the bills. He's quit or been fired from so many jobs it isn't funny any more. She finally caught him cheating after 9 years of marriage. Luckily, they never had any kids. I guess that's why he always had to know her exact whereabouts at all times!!

 

[mylilnikita]

One of my closest friends from school had a boyfriend-the only one she has ever been with, that was controlling, guess what? She married him. They lived together and she would give him her paycheck because according to him she wasn't responsible enough to pay for thngs, uh so you are sleeping with her and getting her money yea. He and I didn't get along at all, because I would ask her if she is sleeping with her father because her boyfriend certainly acted like he was her father right in front to him.
One time, he told her in front of us he didn't want us to come back to the apartment, uh, it's her apartment too. We went out not for very long though, because she had a curfew and as soon as my other friend pulled into the complex, she tried to get out before the friend stopped the car because she didn't want us to make him mad, that was it for me.
I saw them last year at a local eatery, still together, it has almost been 20 years since they got married. Glad she didn't have kids, because that would have taken attention away from him but more importantly not to have kids to show them it was natural to be treated and treat someone like that.


But on the other hand women that allow that also play a part in the scheme of things.

 

[douglisa]

Shame on any woman who would let her husband control her. What is this, the dark ages?

I worked as a shelter advocate @ a domestic violence shelter. Sadly some grooming takes place before it gets to that point. The abuser gradually lowers the persons self esteem and then makes him/her feel that it is normal to be controled in that way because after all she/he is stupid, undeserving....lists of names goes on and on. Pretty soon the abuser has alienated her/him from family and friends so now the person has nobody telling them how wrong the situation is. The abuser says..."look, nobody loves you like I do. They all have left you, I am the only one you need/have."
Then after that the physical abuse is usually bad or beggining. If you care for your friend please click on this link and print it off for your friend. It is a tool commonly used in showing a person they are in an abusive relationship. For the abusers it is all about control.

http://www.duluth-model.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf

When you give it to her just tell her in a non confronting way that you have seen some things that worry you and please just take a look. Usually the worst thing you can do is be confrontational about it because this may cause her to get defensive and lie or cover up the problem. If she comes to you later and says that your worries are valid then please ask her to call the national number found on this site http://www.ndvh.org/ they will be able to direct her to an accredited therapist in her area.
Good luck to any woman that can use this info to help themselves or others.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[kim929]

I agree.

For every controlling husband, there is a woman willing to be treated that way. It's a dynamic that involves two participants.

Do you really think the women goes into the relationship thinking I think I'll let this man control every aspect of my life. It's a gradual thing, it's so small you don't know it's happening until your so far in it, then you don't know how to get out of it. It's a form of abuse. so you might as well just say the women who gets beaten is asking for it.

 

[robinb]

Yes. I have a former friend whose wife needs to approve of everything and everyone in his life. She doesn't like me, so he's now a former friend. She has systematically isolated him from virtually everyone he knew before they were married. She is now his everything.

 

[barkley]

we have a former friend who was VERY controlling in her marriage-and her subsequent relationships for that matter. came naturaly to her-her mom was the same way with her dad. i think the only reason the marriage lasted as long as it did (maybe 3 years) was because in the begining the dh was military and was deployed overseas. when he came back and they lived together full time she controlled EVERYTHING. they tried counseling-no good, she could'nt see why he and everyone else did'nt realize that she was'nt controlling but just 'knew best' he attempted to broach the subject of separation or divorce several times and she basicly ignored him, so one day when everyone was out of the house at a family event he purposely 'ran late' saying he'd be there 'in a few minutes'-she came home to find a note that had the name of a divorce attny on it and instructions to communicate with him solely via the attny. can't say i blame the guy.

she apparantly did'nt change-she's had at least 2 live in relationships in the past 10 years, both guys got fed up pretty quick and left with no word.

robinb-dh had a friend who when we met his fiancee i immediatly told dh 'enjoy him now, once he's married we'll never hear from or see him again'-i reccognized that 'i'm your're entire world' attitude in her. sure enough-the last time we saw/heard from him was his wedding about 12 years ago. sad thing is i hear she did the same thing with his family but hey-he's a grown man, it's his choice to let her exert this kind of control.

 

[douglisa]

Do you really think the women goes into the relationship thinking I think I'll let this man control every aspect of my life. It's a gradual thing, it's so small you don't know it's happening until your so far in it, then you don't know how to get out of it. It's a form of abuse. so you might as well just say the women who gets beaten is asking for it.

YES!!! It is called victim blaming. Unless you have been through it or seen it happen to someone you love it is difficult to understand. It IS a form of brainwashing. They change every aspect of your life. Police have to go through sensitivity training to help them understand the dynamics involved but still there are cops that can not grasp the concepts and victim blame.
I know a woman that is drop dead gorgeous. Her abuser had her convinced that she was fat and ugly! It was sickening to watch. Slowly she stopped taking care of herself and did not realize how much he had changed her. Self fufilling proficy. Now she is better and whenever I am w/ her it is comical to see mens reactions when she enters a room. They go LOL
If it can bring a beautiful woman to believe she is ugly then do you not believe it is brainwashing? I am sorry but anyone that says a woman deserves mental abuse is just plain ignorant.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Yup! He calls her all the time when she isn't home. He makes comments about her clothes. He gives total strangers the evil eye because he thinks they're all checking her out. He goes through her email and phone calls. And God forbid she go out with friends and come home late (especially if she comes home drunk). Etc., etc.

They fight a lot. I don't know how she puts up with it.

 

[poohandwendy]

Do you really think the women goes into the relationship thinking I think I'll let this man control every aspect of my life. It's a gradual thing, it's so small you don't know it's happening until your so far in it, then you don't know how to get out of it. It's a form of abuse. so you might as well just say the women who gets beaten is asking for it.

That isn't at all what I said, I'll thank you for not putting words in my mouth. I know it is gradual, I know it doesn't happen overnight.

A woman who chooses to live with someone who is controlling her is part of the problem. The only thing that will change her circumstances is her taking action, as it's extremely unlikely that he will somehow stop being controlling (his actions are working for him- hers aren't). I am not saying it's her fault he is controlling, I am saying nothing will change until she chooses to do something different. She is a part of the dynamic. Until she realizes that, she will continue to be controlled.

 

[MushyMushy]

My parents. My mother is so controlling over my father and it was horrible to grow up with. She kept an eagle eye on everything he said or did and was constantly berating him for things. She really wore him down. Now that she's homebound, he waits on her hand and foot and it's still not good enough for her. When he makes a simple mistake, she calls him names.

It was bad enough seeing it as a child, but seeing it as an adult and knowing how wrong it is... it makes me feel so helpless.

 

[Cindy B]

My parents. My mother is so controlling over my father and it was horrible to grow up with. She kept an eagle eye on everything he said or did and was constantly berating him for things. She really wore him down. Now that she's homebound, he waits on her hand and foot and it's still not good enough for her. When he makes a simple mistake, she calls him names.

It was bad enough seeing it as a child, but seeing it as an adult and knowing how wrong it is... it makes me feel so helpless.

I have a similar story. However, my Dad is very controlling. My Mom won't drive anywhere but her tiny rural town, was forced to retire a job she really loved because my dad wanted to move, and she really has no identity anymore.

It's really sad!

 

[simpilotswife]

I had a friend like that. The sad part was that she knows he is controlling and now he is doing it to her children. One of their DDs has Aspberger's and the other DD has Tourette's. He won't allow either of the children to get therapy or medication (especially for the DD with Tourette's).

The last time I spoke to her I pointed out to her that her friendships don't seem to last very long and she should ask herself why she lets her husband do that to her.

 

[SandraVB79]

I had the "pleasure" to date someone who was very controlling. I was young and naive to allow it for like 6-7 months.

He went by himself to Canada and Las Vegas,, I couldn't go to the movies by myself or with girlfriends.
My mom gave me money to buy some Mickey-figurine, he didn't want me to buy it, because I had better things to spend my money on (true, but my mom gave me the money for that specific figurine)
I dated him while in college, and he didn't allow me to go home with my family wduring the weekends

Things went worse and worse, and in the end I realized I was very unhappy and couldn't live like that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you really think the women goes into the relationship thinking I think I'll let this man control every aspect of my life. It's a gradual thing, it's so small you don't know it's happening until your so far in it, then you don't know how to get out of it. It's a form of abuse. so you might as well just say the women who gets beaten is asking for it.

Yes, like I said, my SIL. They are a part of that religion where she has to "yield to the man".
She likes it and is OK with it.

She is never yelled at, or beaten, or seemingly abused. He is a hardworking man.
But he "controls the house". And yes she homeschools.

 

[java]

I dated one once. He started out as a concerned boyfriend. Little things- then I was drinking too much(kind of right on that one) Then he didn't like one of my friends then it was more of my friends- he was trying to isolate me.
I broke up with him after the summer(being away from the situation made me see how bad it was) 3 years after that he came up to me to have a "talk" about my behavior. I told him "Good news! My behavior is no longer your concern."

 

[Disney Doll]

I also think there are certain dynamics or personality traits within people (men or women) that allowed them to be controlled.

Their self-esteem, or lack thereof.

The dynamics of their childhood.

And I think people with controlling tendencies are very quick to be able to spot those who are easily controlled, and they zero in on them.

I also think that in the case of men controlling women, there is a societal aspect. Women are still into the "Prince Charming" thing. The subliminal message is "You need a man in your life". So they start to put up with little things...the "where are you going", "What time will you be home", "who are you going with" stuff (and I don't mean the men who ask for a general idea of when to expect their spouse back...we can all tell the difference between interrogation and "give me an idea of what's going on".

I had one boyfriend who started to get like that near the end of our relationship. He went out with his buddies every Friday noght but "preferred" that I didn't go out with my friends on Friday nights. Not one to be easily controlled, I ignored him. He started dropping a few derogatory names here & there. I told him to stop. He did, but you could tell he was "losing that loving feeling" because I wouldn't be controlled & wouldn't allow his bad behavior. At that point, I was losing that loving feeling too, because I was starting to realize that he was a jerk. A couple of months later we broke up. This was a good thing.

 

[MoniqueU]

Sadly I know too many. The worst was my MIL and FIL when he was still alive. He controlled everything she did including her having to sneak to see her grandkids. Once he died she is like a whole new person doing the things she always wanted to do. Scary thing is she still talks about him like he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I don't blame the women for being abused that way but I do blame them for staying. Just like someone in a physically abusive relationship LEAVE.

 

[robinb]

robinb-dh had a friend who when we met his fiancee i immediatly told dh 'enjoy him now, once he's married we'll never hear from or see him again'-i reccognized that 'i'm your're entire world' attitude in her. sure enough-the last time we saw/heard from him was his wedding about 12 years ago. sad thing is i hear she did the same thing with his family but hey-he's a grown man, it's his choice to let her exert this kind of control.

My friend's wife has tried to alienate him from his family too. I think that once his mother dies he won't see the rest of his family. She tries to do it now, but his family is very important to him and he won't let her do it outright. She's gonna have to be sneaky about it ... something that she is very good at, LOL. Every time he tried to leave her over her controlling ways while dating, she would reel him back in like a fish using sex. She even bought a condo in the same swanky landmark Chicago apartment building where he lived during an extended break up. That way she could just "drop in" to see him.

They were married in complete secret because his mother doesn't like her either. In fact, none of his friends or family like her. I think that secret marriage also gave her more control over him ... it's a "you and me against the world" thing PLUS it didn't give his remaining friends and family a last ditch chance to stop them. I think his mom is still in the dark and it's been a year and a half. They are not teens either, they are in their late 40's!

Oh, I could go on and on about them but I finally tipped my hat to her and stopped trying to be his friend early this year. No matter how controlling she is, he's a big boy who knew exactly what he was getting into when he married her. I was finally done making excuses for him. It really devastated me since we were friends since 1979.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

My parents. My mother is so controlling over my father and it was horrible to grow up with. She kept an eagle eye on everything he said or did and was constantly berating him for things. She really wore him down. Now that she's homebound, he waits on her hand and foot and it's still not good enough for her. When he makes a simple mistake, she calls him names.

It was bad enough seeing it as a child, but seeing it as an adult and knowing how wrong it is... it makes me feel so helpless.

Mom?

You've just described my grandparents to a T. My poor 90+ grandfather is a saint to live with that woman. Whenever she is on one of her tirades, my mom will pull my GF aside and say "any time you want to come live with me..." He'd never leave her though