Do you think "I'm going on a diet next week" is a valid excuse?

[scrapquitler]

Maybe she was lying maybe not. You said you would like an honest answer about why she wasn't coming. What if it was also an answer you don't like? Maybe she just didn't want to go. Maybe she doesn't like your family. Who knows? She's a grownup and doesn't have to go to every party she's invited to. I probably wouldn't go to my sister in law or brother in laws mothers party unless it was something like 100th and it was going to be a big party like people do sometimes with an open bar etc. Just a regular meal in a restaurant I would probably turn it down too. Don't let your feeling get hurt. You were good to her Mother when she was in the hospital but if you weren't married to her son would you have still gone to the hospital? You're comparing apples and oranges. She doesn't owe you or your Mother because you were kind to your own Mother in law.

Bottom line, it doesn't matter if she has a "VALID" excuse for not coming to the party. You invited her, it was a mandated appearance. "I don't feel like going" is a valid excuse for not going to a party. She doesn't owe anyone any explanations, and you shouldn't have questioned her motives for declining the invitation.

And if I were going on a strict diet, yes, that would be a good reason for not going to a birthday party, I have very poor willpower and lots of family that would push "Oh, just have a little piece of cake" "What do you mean you can't eat that?" etc. Sometimes it's easier to stay home.

 

[ols386]

OP, just ignore the SIL going forward. She doesn't sound like she would be a very desirable person to interact with.

You obviously don't like her (or at least that's the impression I have).

There may be times when you HAVE to interact with her, but let that be the only times...when you HAVE to.

Having people like her in your life can be toxic.

 

[marlynnp]

Since when do you need an "excuse" to decline an invitation???

And I wouldn't go to a party for an unrelated family member of an in-law either - especially if the in-law was rude and had such obvious disdain for me.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Personally I don't think she really needs to explain or go into more detail about why she cannot come to the party. She declined and that's really it. I kind of think if she just said "I really don't feel like going" you would have probably been upset anyways.

 

[sam_gordon]

Sounds like half the threads on the community board! They always seem to play out this way...OP comes in venting and seeking validation, posters respond with reasoning and logic, OP gets upset that we aren't mindlessly placating them...I'm thinking private diaries might be a better fit for many folks than creating threads on discussion forums.

Because we were all supposed to tell the OP how evil the SIL is and how much of a victim the OP is. She wasn't looking for an outside perspective, she was looking for outside validation.

I think part of the problem is HOW people give their opinions, not WHAT the opinions are. Keep in mind, you can't read inflection, so what "reads" as helpful to the poster, "reads" as an attack by the OP (in any thread).

Read through this thread again without looking at who authored each post. Just about everyone is saying the same thing, but (IMO) some posts do come across "harsher" than others. But the "nice" posts say the same thing.

Yes, when you put something on a message board, you're going to get all kinds of opinions (even ones that disagree with you), but the WAY people go about disagreeing affects the message.

That being said, I agree in this case, the OP shouldn't have questioned the SiL's reasons. By doing that, the OP put up the SiL's defenses, and the SiL felt like SHE was being attacked. Similar to how some posters in this thread have put up the OP's defenses.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I think maybe you should have accepted her "excuse" gracefully whether it is true or not. It did not have to turn into this drama about the diet. Sorry you feel put out and I hope you have a nice party.

Totally agree with this. You should have accepted her answer and responded with "thanks for letting me know" and been done with it. An invitation isn't a summons and when you issue invitations, you need to realize that people might respond with a "no" and accept that even if you don't like it, no matter what the reason that they give.

You are the one that created the drama. It is not up to you to judge them and what they do and how successful/not successful they have been on diets. You issued an invitation, they declined and you got mad about it and couldn't let it drop. Sounds like you let your past history with her get to you.

I think that you need to apologize "SIL, I am sorry for responding the way I did about you not being able to come to my mom's bd party. I hope you can forgive me and we can move on." From now on, don't invite her to events that you cannot take a "no" response gracefully. Realize that she is who she is and you aren't going to change her. Expect nothing from her and you won't be disappointed by the results.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Why do you even care? It is not up to you to determine if an excuse is valid or good enough. They are not coming, they told you why so end of discussion. Questioning and belittling the excuse makes you look bad not them.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

Who are you to say a diet is a made up excuse. Maybe she is going on some diet with lots of restrictions and doesn't want to put off those providing food with special requests. She said she couldn't come and told you why. That should have been the end, but no you had to say it wasn't a real excuse and cause issues. A comment in your OP bothered me...that she was jealous that you had lost weight (congrats on that) but if that is attitude you post here maybe she doesn't want to be around you because you think she is jealous and you are better. JMHO.

Leave it at that. She is one who has right to be upset. You started this incident by not letting it rest. Your other comments about born again Christian wasn't nice either.

Let it rest, over, done and try to get along. If not don't invite her or if she says no to invites just accept whatever reason.

 

[Bob NC]

and she can't make it.

I wouldn't have given it another thought after seeing those 5 words.

 

[Disney Doll]

Exactly .Thank you. Like I stated in my last post SIL is very selfish. My DH and I have had many issues with her in the past. ALL of his sister's and I get together for our birthday's and go to tea. She knows she could have had soup or salad and no sugar(which is what her new diet is giving up sugar) so by even offering the diet excuse was to me rude because it was blatantly obvious she just didn't want to go, so just say NO thank you, don't make up an excuse.

OK, so you know it was an excuse, you knew she was being rude, you know she is selfish, you know she didn't want to go.

So you invite, she says no, gives you the excuse you were apparently expecting and now you're angry about that it sounds liek you knew all along would happen.

A couple of thoughts:

If this SIL is such a "b-witch", why would you want to be around her in the 1st place? I wouldn't even have invited her. Or, if I felt like I had to invite her for the sake of "family harmony" or whatever, then when she responded "no", I would have been like .

Why are you so upset that she gave you a "BS" excuse that you were pretty much expecting???

My advice to you is to let it drop, have your Mom's party and move along.

But my guess is that you're going to keep persevrating on this for whatever reason.

 

[Disney Doll]

Ok, I was trying to explain the situation by giving more history, but ok, LOl I'm the evil witch. I'm sure that's exactly how SIL is selling to her sisters, because that is exactly how the story goes and has always gone.

Well then you should have no expectation that the behavior will change.

Look, I have a crazy SIL, so I feel for you. Always rememebr that past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Sounds like SIL has always behaved this way. Sounds like you and she have a history of difficulty or issues between you which you or maybe both of you try to "fix" every once is a while for the sake of "family", and it turns into this kind of hoopla.

At a certain point you have to decide how much energy you're going to expend on someone, how much power you're going to give them over your life and how much life you're going to let them suck out of you.

Your SIL has her issues, whatever they may be. You don't like her...that's pretty clear. So do the bare minimum that is required for "family", and forget about the rest. She doesn't owe you anything, you don't owe her anything. You can play the martyr all you want regard to "I'm always the bad one" but the fact is, in this situation, you WERE the bad one. You invited, she said no, you keep digging.

Other people have said it but I'll say it again. An invitation is just that, an invitation. Not a summons, not a command performance. The invitee has the right to say yes or no. The inviter only needs a yes or no answer, so they can properly plan their party. They do not need an explanation.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thanks. I will. For the rest of you who just want to judge and attack me, enjoy, I'm done, have fun.

When one posts on a message board, one has to expect to hear responses that will not necessarily validate what one thinks to be true.

Generally adults can handle that without the need to take their toys and go home.

 

[epcot.girl]

It's as valid an excuse/reason as any (not that she needed to provide one).

 

[Bilberry]

Well, humorously if you really would like her and your brother there you could reply -

Perfect! We save money on not buying meals for the two of you, and what better way to loose weight than sipping tea or water! We would love your wonderful company at the restaurant though, why don't you join us?

 

[niknakk]

I think she is being very rude. She doesn't have to eat, it's her being there is what matters. Just showing up with show some respect and support for your mother. As an adult she should man up, not eat while there and just be there for support. To me it seems she is bitter that you took weightlioss seriously and she has yet to really up her effort Into it. I have a friend like that who is always trying to compare her and I , so sometimes she gives me the cold shoulder.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm confused...in your original post you ended it with the word "help", but it seems you only want confirmation and validation. Why?

I do think you were rude. Doesn't matter if I think she should have gone, if it was an excuse, or anything else. She declined. Period.

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using DISBoards

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I think she is being very rude. She doesn't have to eat, it's her being there is what matters. Just showing up with show some respect and support for your mother. As an adult she should man up, not eat while there and just be there for support. To me it seems she is bitter that you took weightlioss seriously and she has yet to really up her effort Into it. I have a friend like that who is always trying to compare her and I , so sometimes she gives me the cold shoulder.

Why in the world should someone be expected to go to their SIL's mother's birthday party? It is not like she is related to this woman. Besides, it doesn't sound like the OP and the SIL get along any, so her showing up would just cause stress that is not necessary, least of all at a birthday party.

 

[Magic Mom]

Personally I don't think she really needs to explain or go into more detail about why she cannot come to the party. She declined and that's really it. I kind of think if she just said "I really don't feel like going" you would have probably been upset anyways.

Exactly. She doesn't need a "valid" reason. Her valid reason is that she doesn't want to go. Period. Further details are none of the OP's business.

 

[niknakk]

Oh I see it thought it was the mother of SIL's husband. In any case, it sounds like there are deep rooted problems, hopefully you two can sit down together in the future and have an in depth talk about your problems with each other. Family shouldn't have any rifts together. I hope you guys work things out, it was nice of you to try and include her in your life but obviously she does not seem deserving of your friendship. I agree you shouldn't have pushed the matter, but what's done is done. Just leave it be and talk at another time.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I think she is being very rude. She doesn't have to eat, it's her being there is what matters. Just showing up with show some respect and support for your mother. As an adult she should man up, not eat while there and just be there for support. To me it seems she is bitter that you took weightlioss seriously and she has yet to really up her effort Into it. I have a friend like that who is always trying to compare her and I , so sometimes she gives me the cold shoulder.

Support? Support for what? It's a birthday party for someone to whom she's not related, not a funeral.