Don't want to hurt my parents' feeings

[moon]

he time that they can travel, I kind of disagree with inviting them. I'd go with simply acknowledging that you'll miss them. My guess is that your parents WANT you to have your Disney trip, even though there may be some disappointment that they aren't going.

"Mom and Dad, we sure had great Disney trips together. We're planning another trip with just me, spouse, and the kids this summer. The kids are so excited to be able to tell you about our trip when we get back." Then later you can let them know that you'll be thinking about them and missing them on the trip, but are so thankful for all the Disney memories you had together.

I'm sorry, but that sounds awful...

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry, but that sounds awful...

How so?
Mom and Dad can't go. Are OP and her family not supposed to go either? Are they supposed to invite them even though they know they can't go?
What do you suggest? Did I miss your suggestions?

 

[moon]

How so?
Mom and Dad can't go. Are OP and her family not supposed to go either? Are they supposed to invite them even though they know they can't go?
What do you suggest? Did I miss your suggestions?

It has not been established that mom and dad can't go. If the OP fears hurting their feelings, I think it probably means they can go, and as it has been pointed in this thread, a compromise could be made where the parents could spend more time relaxing at the resort.

I'm sorry, but I belong to the camp which thinks that in the coming years going with the parents will be less and less likely. This may be the final year they are able to do so.

Of course, OP has the right to go just with spouse and kids, but at least have enough respect for the parents to talk to them in an honest and straightforward way. Saying things like "The kids are so excited to be able to tell you about our trip when we get back." or "you'll be thinking about them and missing them on the trip" (seriously?)will not soften the blow, it will only insult their intelligence. Adding insult to injury won't help the situation.

 

[Christine]

I agree. It's not been determined that the parents *can't* go so you can't soften the blow that way.

I never got the vibe from the first post that the OP wanted the "nuclear option." She just sort of said that the parents (grandparents) always go but now their health was ailing and she felt it best for them that they did not go. I perceived that to mean that the parents still wanted to go, despite all that (although, admittedly, there doesn't seem to have been a conversation about that).

As others have stated, I totally get the desire to want to vacation with your small, immediate family. It's easier for sure but as anyone who has very close relationships with their grandparents knows that those relationships are really wonderful ones. The OP has not indicated that her parents are annoying, pushy, overbearing, or meddlesome and have ruined past trips.

My parents have gone on every Disney trip with us except for one (when I went with another group) and I don't regret it one bit. My grandparents went on every beach trip with me when I was growing up and I have so many good memories of that. But we were all really well behaved (both kids and adults) and it was not stressful to have them there.

As another poster mentioned upthread, the grandparents here, due to serious health conditions, probably don't have much time to experience more trips with their grandchildren and I think that's something to consider.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think many of us miss our parents. I know that I do.

I believe that for the op the health issues are the issues that make this decision to travel without her parents more difficult. Mom and dad are not well so how do you leave them out? We are looking at that aspect of her problem and react with our own situations. I would want my mom, but the op wants a nuclear family trip.

I know that I am in good health so my dd can simply vacation without that complication, but if I was not I would not want her to feel guilty if she and her little family wanted a trip together.

 

[maxiesmom]

If they want to go, I would maybe do a trip with them part of the time, and your immediate family the rest of the time. Have them join you after a few days. You can go go go, and then have a few days with them at a slower pace.

Honestly, as my parents age, I am realizing there is no guarantee they will be able to go on a trip with me sometime in the future. If you want to make more memories with them, you need to do it now. Or if you don't want them along at all, you need to somehow suck it up and tell them.

 

[disykat]

I guess I'm in the place where I would love for my parents to be able to travel with us, but I know it would probably kill them to do so. Travel is very hard physically and mentally. There's a point when some people have to give it up. In the original post she stated... I know they can't go. They would know they can't go. However, they're going to want to. Wanting to go is hugely different than being able to.

My parents were world travelers. It's hard for them to know they can't travel with us anymore, but they would NEVER want to take travel opportunities away from us. Nor would they want us not to tell them about our trips or visits. It's sad that they can't go anymore, but it is just reality.

 

[Vijoge]

OP, no one has the "right" to go on your vacations with you. And you are under no obligation to ask anyone to come along. But to me, as a parent/ grandparent, your question is unclear. Do you simply wish this trip to be about you and your children? If that's the case, just say so. "DH and I are taking the kids to WDW next month". Or is the issue that you'd like them to go but don't feel they are physically able? If that's the case, you need to let them decide. "Mom, Dad, do you feel up to going to WDW with us next month?" The only way I see them being offended is if, on all your past trips, they babysat for you and now that the kids are older you're dumping the G-rents because you don't need a sitter any longer. That, to me, smacks of You've.been.used.

 

[Baklava]

This is really tough but I'm guessing your parents already know this trip would be difficult for them.

I like the idea up-thread about sharing the days activities with your parents - but not on FB, make it a bit more personal. And when you return home do up a photobook or something similar to give to them.

I did a running trip report in a Google doc that my mom had access to.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

OP, no one has the "right" to go on your vacations with you. And you are under no obligation to ask anyone to come along. But to me, as a parent/ grandparent, your question is unclear. Do you simply wish this trip to be about you and your children? If that's the case, just say so. "DH and I are taking the kids to WDW next month". Or is the issue that you'd like them to go but don't feel they are physically able? If that's the case, you need to let them decide. "Mom, Dad, do you feel up to going to WDW with us next month?" The only way I see them being offended is if, on all your past trips, they babysat for you and now that the kids are older you're dumping the G-rents because you don't need a sitter any longer. That, to me, smacks of You've.been.used.

That's kind of what it sounds like, but I hope not. It kind of sounds like the health problems are a scapegoat. Whatever the case, honesty is the best policy.

OP, you should make the decision that is right for your family, but be honest about the reason. Don't blame it on your parents health to make yourself feel better, if that's not really the issue. That's not fair to your parents.

 

[disykat]

Why does everyone always have to think the worst of people? The OP said they wouldn't be able to go and she doesn't want to hurt their feelings by going without them. That was the point of her post. An admission later that she'll enjoy the trip with just them doesn't negate what she first said, it's simply honest.

OP, I hope you are still able to take and enjoy your trip. My guess is that your parents would want that for you.

 

[minniecarousel]

Hehe - a little off-topic, but our kids like us to go with them since we own DVC. Plus we'll babysit one night so they can go out for a nice dinner.

 

[Christine]

Why does everyone always have to think the worst of people? The OP said they wouldn't be able to go and she doesn't want to hurt their feelings by going without them. That was the point of her post. An admission later that she'll enjoy the trip with just them doesn't negate what she first said, it's simply honest.

OP, I hope you are still able to take and enjoy your trip. My guess is that your parents would want that for you.

Agree! Not sure where the thoughts of being used for babysitting and scapegoating the health issues came from. I think people need to go back and re-read the OP's post.

The grandparents have even paid for one entire trip once! It's likely they would pay again. The OP never said the grandparents were babysitters on any of the past trips. And COPD and being on chemo after breast cancer are two conditions that should not ever be taken lightly. Honestly, I don't know what happens on some threads or how things get so twisted.

It seems to me that it is in the best interests of the parents to stay home and the OP is trying to force that kindly. As I've stated, probably two times upthread, and I don't know OP's parents or how sensitive they are, but it's always best to let them come to their own decision on their health issues.

 

[maxiesmom]

Agree! Not sure where the thoughts of being used for babysitting and scapegoating the health issues came from. I think people need to go back and re-read the OP's post.

The grandparents have even paid for one entire trip once! It's likely they would pay again. The OP never said the grandparents were babysitters on any of the past trips. And COPD and being on chemo after breast cancer are two conditions that should not ever be taken lightly. Honestly, I don't know what happens on some threads or how things get so twisted.

It seems to me that it is in the best interests of the parents to stay home and the OP is trying to force that kindly. As I've stated, probably two times upthread, and I don't know OP's parents or how sensitive they are, but it's always best to let them come to their own decision on their health issues.

I went and re-read it, and I think it is worse than I first thought. It sounds to me as if the OP wants to go with only her immediate family and is making excuses as to why her parents can't go. Her dad has COPD and pushes too hard. That could be fixed with an ECV. Her mom had chemo. If her doctor gave her the ok she could still go.

If the OP truly wants only her immediate family, and she is entitled to just that, then she needs to suck it up and be an adult about it. Not make excuses, or use her parent's health as an excuse. Just say as kindly as possible that she wants it to be a trip for her her immediate family this time. If that is her decision she needs to own it. Trying to tell her parents it is because of their health is going to come off as telling them it is their fault they are old and feeble. I'm sure not what the OP intends, but that is probably how it will be taken.

 

[Christine]

I went and re-read it, and I think it is worse than I first thought. It sounds to me as if the OP wants to go with only her immediate family and is making excuses as to why her parents can't go. Her dad has COPD and pushes too hard. That could be fixed with an ECV. Her mom had chemo. If her doctor gave her the ok she could still go.

If the OP truly wants only her immediate family, and she is entitled to just that, then she needs to suck it up and be an adult about it. Not make excuses, or use her parent's health as an excuse. Just say as kindly as possible that she wants it to be a trip for her her immediate family this time. If that is her decision she needs to own it. Trying to tell her parents it is because of their health is going to come off as telling them it is their fault they are old and feeble. I'm sure not what the OP intends, but that is probably how it will be taken.

I agree with you on that. I also felt that both health issues were manageable with ECVs and more resort time for her parents. I didn't get the vibe that she wanted an immediate-only family trip but more that her parents' health issues were not something she wanted to deal with on her vacation. And that's totally okay. I think one just needs to be very careful about how it's handled. Hopefully her parents are rational and won't be offended or, heck, even graciously admit that their issues will impact the trip and they won't go. On the other hand, my cousin always traveled with her COPD father and barely mobile mother and they had a fine time. Her parents mainly stayed at the hotel and they were happy. Her father (my uncle) passed away last year due to complications with his COPD and my cousin absolutely treasures those WDW trips with them, even though they had issues with the trip. I just think the OP needs to really think it through.

Hope the OP comes back to clarify a lot of issues. There's a lot of speculation going on here!

 

[monsterkitty]

The OP wants to go to WDW with just her DH and her children. There is nothing wrong with that. We don't need to take additional family on every trip. Sometimes it's nice to go with just your spouse and children and no one else. She is not being greedy. There are other ways to make lasting memories with her parents and her children. Her parents do not need to go on every trip.

OP, when you tell your parents that your family is going to WDW, just tell them the truth: "We want to go to WDW with the kids by ourselves."

You don't owe an explanation to anyone. No reasons. No excuses. It's just the way you want to vacation this year with your family and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It doesn't matter to me whether the parents might, possibly, be 'able' or 'can' go.
If they were still as spry as spring chickens... So what.

But we have to acknowledge the basic truth here.
It sounds as if this kind of a trip with them would involve major effort and concessions.

bottom line, that does NOT matter.
And there is absolutely NOTHING 'awful' about the OP and her DH wanting to have a trip alone, and with just their kids.
I would have absolutely ZERO second thoughts, and would not have any feelings of guilt.

I am also looking at this from the spouses viewpoint.
No matter how close the family might be, I would have a serious problem with the assumption that every trip had to involve my inlaws. Cant the spouse and the kids have some special time and develop some memories of their own...

Whether or not the grandparents CAN go, or might WANT to go, is totally moot. Has nothing to do with it.

The OP does not have to, and should not feel as if she should have to, make up reasons and justifications and excuses...
I do not agree with any recommendations that would involve saying... "because you 'can't' go because of health", or "because we 'don't want you to come" as this trip is just for us. Both of those extraneous comments might be either negative, or unnecesarry, or both.

I would plan the trip, and as the dates get closer, I would simply let the grandparents know that "We will be away, at WDW.."

The grandparents are apparently close to their grandkids. They have been to WDW with their grandkids several times. If these grandparents would be so 'heartbroken' and 'upset' that they are not involved in every single thing that the family does, then that is on them. That is their responsibility.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The OP wants to go to WDW with just her DH and her children. There is nothing wrong with that. We don't need to take additional family on every trip. Sometimes it's nice to go with just your spouse and children and no one else. She is not being greedy. There are other ways to make lasting memories with her parents and her children. Her parents do not need to go on every trip.

OP, when you tell your parents that your family is going to WDW, just tell them the truth: "We want to go to WDW with the kids by ourselves."

You don't owe an explanation to anyone. No reasons. No excuses. It's just the way you want to vacation this year with your family and there is nothing wrong with that.

I agree with your sentiments!!!!
However, the above is just not the best way to phrase this and lay it on the grandparents.

First, saying 'we want' is like asking for permission and approval...
Second, it is also saying, in effect, 'we do NOT want to have you along...'

A simple, "We have a trip planned and will be away next month/whenever...." is all that is needed.
Maybe a 'We will miss you, and will have lots of pictures..." as any conversations go on.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Sorry it has taken me a few days to get back here. This trip we just to be the 5 of us. All our other trips have been with them and although we love them it would be nice to be a smaller group. Plus there is the matter of their health.

You all have given me a lot of good advice and a lot to think about. Now I just need to take that advice and roll with it . Thank you all!

Yes, smaller groups are easier to manage. When DH and I went to WDW for the first time, several friends couldn't believe we didn't take the kids. It was for our 10th wedding anniversary. Why should we take the kids along? Not all vacations have to include the whole family. OP, you know your parents best. Hopefully you can let them know your plans without any hurt feelings.

 

[Kelly Anne]

I would at least offer to have them come along. Give them the opportunity to turn you down themselves that way it won't seem like you just don't want them to come. And if they do want to come mention to them that you would want them to take it easy this time around considering their health and next time when they are feeling better you will do another trip. By not at least offering you might hurt their feelings and get them down.