End of life decisions.

[firecracker725]

We've just learned that my BIL has lung cancer with bone metastases- stage IV. Five year survival is about 1%; in reality, we are talking 6-9 months. My SIL is devastated, of course, as are we all. She keeps going between horror- what am I going to do- and being drunk- understandable, I am not passing judgement on this. However, she's said she doesn't know what to do financially, where to turn, what's available, etc. I don't know what kind of questions to ask her, or what to suggest when she asks. Is there someplace/one to turn to for help and advice in this kind of situation? They are both in their 60s, he's retired railroad and a veteran. She's on disability from a car accident 20 years ago. No will, no life insurance, nothing substantial in the savings. They own their house, but she's not sure if her name is on it or not. What kinds of things should they be preparing? I can think of some things- file a will, get onto the bank accounts and house, cars, etc., but what other things should she deal with now, so when he passes away her financial life will go as smoothly and be as secure as possible? Right now we are all just reeling with this news; I know there're things she should consider, but my thoughts aren't exactly straight right now, either. TIA.

(For the record, YES, she has asked me these questions and for help, and NO, there's not a lot of money/worth being discussed.)

When my mother entered hospice care, I kept myself "busy" planning her funeral. I chose flowers, a casket, a burial plot, etc. I contacted her pastor and the funeral home to outline the services. When the time came, I was so thankful that all those decisions had already been made. Of course, I lived abroad at the time, so I had a big enough worry in trying to plan a very long trip at the last minute.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Ask him for a copy of his DD214. He should know what that is and he should be able to put his hands on it, pretty easily.

It is his discharge papers. It will be needed for any benefits from the military.

Also find out if he has insurance from the GSLI. (Service Member's Life Insurance) They are incredibly easy to deal with and very prompt with payout.

 

[clori]

So sorry you for you family going through this. My father passed away a year ago this month at 91. Some things I learned include 1. make sure if they have credit cards that your sister has one with her as primary person vs authorized user. Also my father had two small store credit cards under $200 each in his name only. My mom wasn't even allowed to just pay off the cards instead she had to wait a bit (I wasn't involved but may have had to provide a death certificate). After a bit my mom was able to pay off one card and the other company wrote off the other amount. Also if you aren't aware of it even if he was a vet years ago if the military branch is notified they do their best to send a representative to the funeral. The military playing taps and handing my mother the flag was extremely emotional for me.

My dad was a WWII vet. He and my mom had prearranged almost all of their arrangements and money part years ago except for the gravestone. We found out from a national guard member that my father was eligible for a free stone. http://www.cem.va.gov/hmm/ for more info. I called the cemetery to make sure it was allowed and they would take delivery and sure enough they were familiar with it and no issues whatsoever. You have certain info you have to include then can add a bit extra. The cemetery has a stone store that said when the time comes they will get a blank stone and engrave my mother's info so even though they won't have a joint headstone they will have matching headstones. The stones are small like the ones used at Arlington National Cemetery. While it was my mother's decision I was pleased since my father would have been happy to get it free and not give my mom that expense and even though he was just a private and it was years ago he served 2.5 years fighting for our country in Europe and Africa so we were proud to honor him with a military stone in a cemetery filled with big grand headstones. There was still cemetery fees for foundation etc of a few hundred. I think we needed a death certificate and a DD214 then after it was done it took about 2 months to receive it at the cemetery.

 

[ksjayhawks]

They need to visit with an attorney and have wills and powers of attorney-durable and medical--drawn up right now. He/she will guide them to make sure that cars, bank accounts, house deed etc are in the right names. Check into the retirement plans.
Talk to the doctor and let them help guide them towards hospice/home health care. Talk about the funeral and what he wants/find out the costs now so she knows what they can afford and make plans before she does it emotionally.
A Caringbridge page is nice to set up if they will consider that.

 

[PrincessShea]

He should call the Railroad Board (or Social Security, don't really know his full situation) and see if he is insured for disability benefits and get as much out of it as possible before he passes. And then also find out when his wife can start drawing as a widow and how much she will be reduced taking it before full retirement age.

 

[macraven]

do check with the RR retirement board.
my dad worked on the RR for over 30 years.
he had the choice of going with RR or SS when he retired.
the RR benefits were greater.

 

[lvillotta1]

Everyone has so much info to offer. I have hospice experience as an RN. This situation is exactly where so many families fall into. Hospice has to be called in now. Do not wait. The hospice team includes nurses,bath aides, SW, Chaplain. Start utilizing these services now. The SW will be invaluable to this family. They will help with guidance with everything from how to obtain a will to accessing all the contacts the SIL will need. She needs to sit down the the VA admin to see what she will get financially after he passes. I had a friend whose father passed away and the wife was very worried that she would not be able to support herself financially. When they got all of their VA questions answered she indeed was going to get more money than she thought she would. After the VA stuff is done then she can move to step #2. It is CRITICAL that they move quickly with all of the financial aspects b/c if he already has advanced disease he will likely have brain mets and not be able to make a decision. If he can not make decisions and is confused you have lost precious time to get things together. I had a family on service many years ago and the patient had his own business and his wife had no idea what all of his passwords were to all of his stuff and did not know financially where he stood. She called me one morning in a panic and said that she thought he was not mentally awake and she had no idea what to do. I called her to let her know I would be coming over and to also have her son present so he could talk to his dad. The 3 of us went into the patient's room and I flat out said that it was time to tell your son all of your passwords to all of your accounts and where the business stood and you had to do it now. I was very blunt and I told the patient that out of respect for his wife and family this had to be done. Come to find out in the end after the patient had passed who was suppose to have finished a project and was not able to and the wife was responsible to come up with $10,000 to pay this company for the work he did not get done. So get to a lawyer soon. Since the house is paid off and BIL has done all the work it needs to be sold now so is does not get run down and SIL has to start paying someone to upkeep it. She can move into a condo etc and will be able to start her new life there. It is also a great time of year to be selling. As a family you all are going to need to come together and meet and their home and gently say that b/c we love the both of you we are here to get you a lawyer for all of your financial aspects,to help you navigate the VA and RR system to see what you are entitled to,to get a living will and healthcare POA. You also need to help them go through CC and bills and bank accts to see whose name is on what. Your sister needs to be on every account so she can have access to that money as she needs to. Once that is all done you can then help her pay off bills to maybe some debt to lessen that financial burden. When the finances are taken care of then she can rest more easily.

 

[loveshak22]

@leebee - sorry to hear about your BIL. Such a horrible situation for everyone involved - your poor BIL, his wife and son, and you and your family, as well as I'm sure others who are close family and friends. I'm sending positive thoughts and hugs your way!

The good thing for your SIL is she has someone like you wiling and wanting to help. It sounds like you've gotten a lot of good advice on here. Is the adult son trying to step in as well and help his parents get some of their affairs in order? Hopefully he has some idea of their financial situation as well?

 

[tvguy]

Ask him for a copy of his DD214. He should know what that is and he should be able to put his hands on it, pretty easily.

It is his discharge papers. It will be needed for any benefits from the military.

Also find out if he has insurance from the GSLI. (Service Member's Life Insurance) They are incredibly easy to deal with and very prompt with payout.

Other than a burial plot and a head stone and a certificate from the President honoring their military service, don't expect much of anything from the military. But that, of course, is a huge national issue, the lack of benefits for Veterans and how poorly we treat them. Clearing out my mom's papers I found a whole folder of rejection letters from the VA for everything from mortgages ( for a whopping $20,000) to medical benefits.

 

[powellrj]

Not sure if he is at a VA hospital now or a traditional hospital, but either way, they will have people that can guide you about hospice and end of life.

My mom just died last month so this is all still current for me. Most people don't understand RR retirement. Since my dad was disabled 30 years ago, we have gotten good at navigating the system. Call them and arrange a meeting with them. They will help you with what to do as far as benefits available. The same with the VA, make an appointment with them and see what is available. We used do it yourself power of attorney and wills and durable power of attorney. If you have a family member who is able to help with this, its easy to do yourself.

If she is disabled and can't keep up with the house, now is the time to start thinking about selling it and getting information about senior housing. My parents had moved into assisted living the year before mom died and its a godsend for dad. Because she will be a disabled widow, there should be some sort of help for her. Once again, if the hospital can help provide a social worker, they can help with this information. We actually found social workers from the hospital and the state to be of more help than the lawyer.

My parents had pre planned their funeral and pre paid it which helped. Mom had written her obit so all we had to really do is pick out her outfit, minister, music and pictures used and her funeral dinner. If they need to do a spend down, this is an excellent way to do some of it.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Other than a burial plot and a head stone and a certificate from the President honoring their military service, don't expect much of anything from the military. But that, of course, is a huge national issue, the lack of benefits for Veterans and how poorly we treat them. Clearing out my mom's papers I found a whole folder of rejection letters from the VA for everything from mortgages ( for a whopping $20,000) to medical benefits.

They also pay for the opening and closing of the grave site, a flag with presentation, and an honor guard.

I wasn't looking for anything else.

 

[tvguy]

They also pay for the opening and closing of the grave site, a flag with presentation, and an honor guard.

I wasn't looking for anything else.

I consider all of that part of the funeral benefit.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Other than a burial plot and a head stone and a certificate from the President honoring their military service, don't expect much of anything from the military. But that, of course, is a huge national issue, the lack of benefits for Veterans and how poorly we treat them. Clearing out my mom's papers I found a whole folder of rejection letters from the VA for everything from mortgages ( for a whopping $20,000) to medical benefits.

This has been my mother's experience as well. She got essentially nothing from the VA. (My father was a WWII veteran.) She will be buried next to my father at the National Cemetery. That's about it. I don't know if things have changed since the 80s and 90s, but I wouldn't expect much from the VA unless the spouse was 100% disabled (military-related).

 

[Pea-n-Me]

They also pay for the opening and closing of the grave site, a flag with presentation, and an honor guard.

I wasn't looking for anything else.

I don't think anyone was accusatory. It's just that "veteran's benefits" as a form of "income" has been mentioned here on this thread, so we're sharing our experiences with this as children of veterans' widows.

 

[winterman]

I have one thing to add to all the good info that has already been posted. You can not count on having "6 to 9" months. I lost my DH to stage IV lung cancer 4 years ago. The research that I did when he was diagnosed said that, without treatment, the average survival after diagnosis was 3 months. DH died exactly 13 weeks from diagnosis. Leebee's sister-in-law needs to take care of these things quickly. Hopefully her husband will cooperate. In my case, there was nothing that needed to be done before he died. DH even called a car dealer friend who took his car (jointly owned but he drove it) to sell on consignment. DH also came with me to the funeral home to set up arrangements. He did all that he could to make things as 'easy' on me as possible. He died peacefully in our home, as I held his hand.