Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[belle032]

I'm 33 years old. I really don't have close friends. I live in a place that I strongly dislike. It's a rural area and extremely hard to meet people which probably explains my lack of social circle. I would give anything for a book club or something similar. My SIL, who is my closest friend here, is getting married in a month. Guess what? I'm not in her wedding. In any capacity.

I got sucked into this thread and OP, I did have sympathy for you in the beginning. I really did. And then I kept reading, and guess what? I don't have much sympathy left for you anymore. I don't deny that you have had hardships in your life. It sounds like you absolutely have and I applaud you for overcoming them. But guess what? Everyone has.

Time for some tough love.

Every single poster on this thread has offered up very polite, empathetic, sage advice. And you don't want to hear any of it. You WANT sympathy.

You say you want your friends to include you in weddings and sporting events and activities, but you don't want to tell them that? Do you expect them to read your mind? That's pretty unfair of you.

You say you don't want therapy because it makes you feel weak? What do you think you're doing right now? Pretty much using the Disboards as online therapy. What's the difference in talking to an actual person who's job is to literally HELP YOU WITH THESE PROBLEMS IN TOTAL CONFIDENCE? Stop whining on a message board!

I often think people who go to therapy are much stronger than ones that refuse. They have the inner strength and confidence to realize there is a problem and they are actively taking steps to get themselves to a better place. What's stronger than that?

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and that's wonderful. But you have a lot to work on yourself before you force a relationship with another human being. Get a dog.

 

[Wendy1985]

I would still feel shame in seeing a therapist because there are some things in my life I don't have to get help with. I have to ask for help for a lot of things since Im in a wheelchair.

I am a disabled adult I know what it is like to need help all the time it did not stop me from requesting help from a therapist somethings your family and friends just are not trained to do

No child should be born with a job.

Yes I totally agree and that is what I was trying to say in my post

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hi OP,

It sounds like you are hurting quite a bit. I'm sorry for that and weddings and people moving onto new life events can cause people to feel left behind or feel lesser. It also sounds as you are giver in your friendships, which is never a bad thing, but you can't just give and give and not get something back. Imagine pouring a water pitcher until the water runs out. That could be how you feel right now in your friendships. And I know it seems to be something of rite passage to be in a wedding or you want to be acknowledged as having a special place in their lives. It seems you need to think about finding new social circle too and start meeting others. You have had lot hurt in your life and having a safe place to vent and someone to help open the door you thinking about other options or help you see why you hurt is not bad. That's therapy. I would really encourage you to think about doing so. You have lot of hurt built up and no water left in the pitcher you have poured out.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I love your words Lovemygoofy! Very caring and well said.

 

[del12]

No child should be born with a job.

I actually wanted kids to be a parent to them. I didn't want children to give them jobs.

It can be to easy to say how we shouldn’t need anybody. But that isn’t always true. People need people. Especially when we are in vulnerable times and really do need help. I don’t know how it is for this person to get by every day. How much assistance they might really need to live life the way they should. And I don’t know how much disability assistance they are getting like on a regular basis. I am thinking that some of these words about how we shouldn’t need somebody are just not helpful at all. Maybe not good.
I know people who are very limited by things like conditions and old age. They need people. People need people.

I understand this persons feelings! The only thing is how he is handling all of this. He needs to realize that he does need some help. He needs to realize that his feelings are okay. But how he is handling them is not. I would hope that he sees that some counseling or therapy or other things are what can help and maybe even turn things around a little bit.

Thank you for this. I need people in my life and I really do need at least an SO or someone to share life with at home. I'm tired of not having a spouse or SO like all my friends do.

 

[del12]

Hi OP,

It sounds like you are hurting quite a bit. I'm sorry for that and weddings and people moving onto new life events can cause people to feel left behind or feel lesser. It also sounds as you are giver in your friendships, which is never a bad thing, but you can't just give and give and not get something back. Imagine pouring a water pitcher until the water runs out. That could be how you feel right now in your friendships. And I know it seems to be something of rite passage to be in a wedding or you want to be acknowledged as having a special place in their lives. It seems you need to think about finding new social circle too and start meeting others. You have had lot hurt in your life and having a safe place to vent and someone to help open the door you thinking about other options or help you see why you hurt is not bad. That's therapy. I would really encourage you to think about doing so. You have lot of hurt built up and no water left in the pitcher you have poured out.

Thank you for getting what I've been trying to say here. It sucks that I'm left behind and lesser compared to friends who are all married and have kids. Yes it hurts when i can never experience rites of passages or other fun events that others get to have. it hurts that I can never for once be one of the friends in the wedding. I

 

[Wendy1985]

@del12 I cant speak for other parents but it sounded like you wanted a kid to give you companionship not there job

 

[del12]

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and that's wonderful. But you have a lot to work on yourself before you force a relationship with another human being. Get a dog.

I already mentioned having pets. Animals are different from people. Do you think I feel happy hearing friends talking about expectin babies? Do expect me to try and compare my cats to their children?

 

[del12]

@del12 I cant speak for other parents but it sounded like you wanted a kid to give you companionship not there job

I didn't want children to be companions. A child would be mine to raise as parents raise their children. Plenty of single women adopt children on their own. Do you think are adopting children for companionship?

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

All of that is so true. I would so agree! But the thing here is that now that you see where you are at. Once you see that some people understand then where do you go? How do you move on and so things get better? That is what is missing here. That feeling of giving up hope and feeling helpless is just so bad. It really would help to find a good person to talk to so you can work thru this and see that light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been in that dark place. You can’t move forward if you are don’t know where to turn.
It sounds like the people you know and see as friends are not really giving much back. Maybe that is true. That is the kind of thing a good counselor might be able to help you with

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

@del12 I cant speak for other parents but it sounded like you wanted a kid to give you companionship not there job

I didn't want children to be companions. A child would be mine to raise as parents raise their children. Plenty of single women adopt children on their own. Do you think are adopting children for companionship?

I agree with @Wendy1985 - it sounded like you wanted kids to bring you companionship. That you want them to fill some void in your life. That is what the pp meant by a job. The burden put on a child to fill some empty place in you is a job. Just like it would be for a SO or spouse. Which has been said multiple times on this thread.

And yes, there are people who have children for all the wrong reasons - trying to save relationships is usually a big one.

 

[Wendy1985]

I didn't want children to be companions. A child would be mine to raise as parents raise their children. Plenty of single women adopt children on their own. Do you think are adopting children for companionship?

I consider myself to be a childs advocate and if as a single parent you wanted to adopt for the sole purpose of giving a kid a better life I would encourage it but you want to adopt for companionship

 

[del12]

I agree with @Wendy1985 - it sounded like you wanted kids to bring you companionship. That you want them to fill some void in your life. That is what the pp meant by a job. The burden put on a child to fill some empty place in you is a job. Just like it would be for a SO or spouse. Which has been said multiple times on this thread.

And yes, there are people who have children for all the wrong reasons - trying to save relationships is usually a big one.

I wasn't planning to put burdens on child. Do you think all single people who adopt or have children through other means are doing for companionship?

 

[TavieP]

. But, I'm not going go through the stigma of seeing a therapist and making myself only look more weak.

Do you come from a culture or country that attaches a stigma to mental health therapies? That’s rough. In most places in America, seeing a mental health therapist is no different than seeing a podiatrist, and being prescribed medication for mental health is no different than being prescribed insulin for diabetes or statins for cholesterol.

I realize that’s not the case everywhere, and it must be hard if you have those barriers to getting help for your mental health struggles.

I personally have been prescribed antidepressants for the past 30 years (I’m 40) and have been talking to a therapist for some of that time too, and both things have helped my depression a lot. I’m not cured, but I’m able to function and lead a reasonably happy life most of the time because I’m able to get help for my condition, the same way you were able to get help for your spinal cord injury. And just as you don’t want to be looked down upon for getting necessary help in the form of a wheelchair, people like myself who struggle with depression don’t appreciate being thought of as “weak” because we get care for our own health issues.

 

[del12]

I consider myself to be a childs advocate and if as a single parent you wanted to adopt for the sole purpose of giving a kid a better life I would encourage it but you want to adopt for companionship

I didn't want to adopt for companionship as much to you already. If I wanted to adopt it was going to be give a child a good home. Like I said before the reasons I don't pursue adoption is because of my disability. If I was able bodied I would have already adopted a child.

 

[belle032]

I already mentioned having pets. Animals are different from people. Do you think I feel happy hearing friends talking about expectin babies? Do expect me to try and compare my cats to their children?

I don't know if you do or not? The people around me are all having children and it doesn't bother me a bit. Animals are generally better than people. I love my dog more than any child. Talk about unconditional love and affection. And way less work. But I know there are people out there who actually want children. However, the reason you want a child is not to be a father. It's to fill some void that you think can only be filled by someone else..anyone else. And that's not how it works. What are you going to tell that child? I got you because I was lonely?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone around you because it's only adding to your wallowing in misery. Someone will ALWAYS have something that you want or be better off than you or worse off than you or whatever. It's called life. You're not the only one going through it.

In terms of a relationship? My mom always told me "you'll find someone when you're not looking." So maybe stop looking for awhile. It can't hurt.

 

[del12]

I don't know if you do or not? The people around me are all having children and it doesn't bother me a bit. Animals are generally better than people. I love my dog more than any child. Talk about unconditional love and affection. And way less work. But I know there are people out there who actually want children. However, the reason you want a child is not to be a father. It's to fill some void that you think can only be filled by someone else..anyone else. And that's not how it works. What are you going to tell that child? I got you because I was lonely?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone around you because it's only adding to your wallowing in misery. Someone will ALWAYS have something that you want or be better off than you or worse off than you or whatever. It's called life. You're not the only one going through it.

In terms of a relationship? My mom always told me "you'll find someone when you're not looking." So maybe stop looking for awhile. It can't hurt.

I've always wanted to be a father and still want to be father. I've said a bunch of times that I considered single parent adoption. A person who doesn't want to be a father wouldn't even considered it. I even wrote emails to a few lawyers, but I didn't hear back from them.

I wanted to adopt to give children a good life.

 

[del12]

Do you come from a culture or country that attaches a stigma to mental health therapies? That’s rough. In most places in America, seeing a mental health therapist is no different than seeing a podiatrist, and being prescribed medication for mental health is no different than being prescribed insulin for diabetes or statins for cholesterol.

I realize that’s not the case everywhere, and it must be hard if you have those barriers to getting help for your mental health struggles.

I personally have been prescribed antidepressants for the past 30 years (I’m 40) and have been talking to a therapist for some of that time too, and both things have helped my depression a lot. I’m not cured, but I’m able to function and lead a reasonably happy life most of the time because I’m able to get help for my condition, the same way you were able to get help for your spinal cord injury. And just as you don’t want to be looked down upon for getting necessary help in the form of a wheelchair, people like myself who struggle with depression don’t appreciate being thought of as “weak” because we get care for our own health issues.

I live in the US in Texas. I've known many people who stigmatize mental health issues. I don't want to deal with that when I already have to deal with issues being physically disabled.

 

[Wendy1985]

I don't know if you do or not? The people around me are all having children and it doesn't bother me a bit. Animals are generally better than people. I love my dog more than any child. Talk about unconditional love and affection. And way less work. But I know there are people out there who actually want children. However, the reason you want a child is not to be a father. It's to fill some void that you think can only be filled by someone else..anyone else. And that's not how it works. What are you going to tell that child? I got you because I was lonely?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone around you because it's only adding to your wallowing in misery. Someone will ALWAYS have something that you want or be better off than you or worse off than you or whatever. It's called life. You're not the only one going through it.

In terms of a relationship? My mom always told me "you'll find someone when you're not looking." So maybe stop looking for awhile. It can't hurt.

So true that is when I found dh at college

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

I wasn't planning to put burdens on child. Do you think all single people who adopt or have children through other means are doing for companionship?

I don't know what it is you want. Until you are good with you, you ARE putting the burden on a SO and/or child to bring you happiness and that is unfair. I know you don't see it that way, but I am telling you that's what you are doing. But I actually think you like playing the victim. Every suggestion that has been offered, you shoot down. Therapy, which can bring you some peace, you don't want to do. Because it makes you look weak? How do you think this victim attitude comes across to people? You want to be included with your friends, but don't want to tell them. Again, people are NOT mind readers (also a good relationship tool, fyi).

I do have two questions for you though
1) you say being around your friends makes you feel bad and upsets you because their lives seem to be moving forward. Fair enough; I think we've all felt that at some point. But you started this post because you were upset they didn't include you in something. So what is it you want from them? They can't fix you being single, so what are they supposed to do to make you feel better? Being around them makes you feel bad and not being around them makes you feel bad. They are in a no win situation with you. And because you won't talk to them, likely don't know that they make you feel sad!

2) if you had a baby and your SO suffered from PPD, would you tell her to avoid getting help because it means she's weak? If so, you should not be in a relationship or a parent. And if you'd support it, why isn't it good enough for you.

My advice for you, stop playing the victim. You've been dealt a crappy hand, no doubt. But if you are like this in person, I can almost guarantee you are driving people away. It is exhausting being the friend or SO to somebody who is always so negative and doesn't want to fix any of it.