Feeling your loss during Christmas...

[cbeeindisney]

With the holiday season upon us, I am beginning to feel dread, but also a sense of need to go on and celebrate as my mom would want and how she loved to do for so many years with all of us.

I lost my mom this past summer, suddenly and without warning, and while we all struggle to pick up the pieces and come to terms with what happened, holidays are now around the corner. For those of you that have lost loved ones, this year or in years past, how did you get through Thanksgiving, Christmas? Are there any new traditions that you have begun to honor your loved ones during Christmas? What are some things that you have done to give you a bit of comfort during these times?

 

[mommasita]

I am so sorry for your great loss. Losing your Mother is so difficult. I lost mine in 2016 like you, suddenly and without warning, for us it was Easter next, which she Loved. I hosted using her China, decorating with her pieces, left a seat empty for Mum. It was so difficult, but I thought I did her proud.

Navigating through grief, there are no rules, are you up to a big meal? Would you like to create something new? After losing my Mum, we had many more losses, so we started to travel at Xmas, and found this easier.

I will keep you in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Good morning, cbeeindisney.

First, my condolences to you on your mom's recent passing. Certainly, if not expected, a parent's passing can make the healing process even more difficult. My mom and dad have both passed on. For me, recalling what we did, any time of the year, but especially at these various 'marker days', like the first Thanksgiving without mom, first Christmas, first birthday of mom's, etc., always tough, for sure, have helped me through. Memories, good memories, will help you through these times also.

My very best to you, cbeeindisney.

 

[JWeston8716]

I completely understand what you're going through. I lost my mom unexpectedly 3 months ago today. I am also dreading the holidays, but also feel the need to provide a really nice Christmas for my kids (both boys 18 and 20, so not really "kids" anymore), because that is what my mom would want and what she did for my brother and I back when my grandmother passed away when I was 9. I don't know how she did it.

We are planning on a family Thanksgiving (my dad, my grandmother, one or two of my uncles, my kids), but my dad is going to visit friends in FL for Christmas so it'll be just me and my kids for Christmas, and my kids split their day between me and their dad.

I started watching Christmas movies on November 1st and I've started some Christmas shopping, to hopefully build up some momentum to just get through this first year. I'm not even thinking about new traditions, or past traditions, just getting through it.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

My sincere sympathy for those who are struggling with the upcoming holidays. That can be challenging enough without all the extra complications that 2020 has added into the mix. If your mother (or loved one, for those who will be missing someone other than a mother) had any favorite recipes, making those recipes for holiday meals or for holiday gifts can be a way of keeping a tradition going or making a new tradition. I know friends who make Grandma's or Mom's holiday cookies or tamales every year for gifts. This tradition started out small with each family and has grown every year as children grow old enough to join in and as new relatives marry into the family. (One family now has over 60 people participating!) What was very sad in the beginning is now a joyful celebration that teaches the youngsters and new members about the beloved person who started the recipe tradition. And delivering the plates of tamales or cookies to friends and neighbors is another wonderful way to share memories and love.
Hoping that no matter how each person chooses to remember their loved ones this holiday season, that they find moments of joy and good memories to give them comfort and strength.

 

[cbeeindisney]

I completely understand what you're going through. I lost my mom unexpectedly 3 months ago today. I am also dreading the holidays, but also feel the need to provide a really nice Christmas for my kids (both boys 18 and 20, so not really "kids" anymore), because that is what my mom would want and what she did for my brother and I back when my grandmother passed away when I was 9. I don't know how she did it.

We are planning on a family Thanksgiving (my dad, my grandmother, one or two of my uncles, my kids), but my dad is going to visit friends in FL for Christmas so it'll be just me and my kids for Christmas, and my kids split their day between me and their dad.

I started watching Christmas movies on November 1st and I've started some Christmas shopping, to hopefully build up some momentum to just get through this first year. I'm not even thinking about new traditions, or past traditions, just getting through it.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, mine will be 5 months on the 14th, so I'm right there with you. I started Christmas movies as well and started decorating, my DH thinks I should just jump right into it. I know it sounds crazy, but most Hallmark movie characters have lost one or both parents and I think, well if they can celebrate Christmas, so can I. It's actually been pretty comforting. And I agree, I just thought that maybe new traditions to honor her during the holidays might make it a bit easier, but it's just about getting through.

Thinking about you during the holidays as well, sending hugs!

 

[cbeeindisney]

My sincere sympathy for those who are struggling with the upcoming holidays. That can be challenging enough without all the extra complications that 2020 has added into the mix. If your mother (or loved one, for those who will be missing someone other than a mother) had any favorite recipes, making those recipes for holiday meals or for holiday gifts can be a way of keeping a tradition going or making a new tradition. I know friends who make Grandma's or Mom's holiday cookies or tamales every year for gifts. This tradition started out small with each family and has grown every year as children grow old enough to join in and as new relatives marry into the family. (One family now has over 60 people participating!) What was very sad in the beginning is now a joyful celebration that teaches the youngsters and new members about the beloved person who started the recipe tradition. And delivering the plates of tamales or cookies to friends and neighbors is another wonderful way to share memories and love.
Hoping that no matter how each person chooses to remember their loved ones this holiday season, that they find moments of joy and good memories to give them comfort and strength.

Thank you! I love that tradition, it seems like it's ever growing and a really great idea! Thank you for your comfort and kind words.

 

[cbeeindisney]

Good morning, cbeeindisney.

First, my condolences to you on your mom's recent passing. Certainly, if not expected, a parent's passing can make the healing process even more difficult. My mom and dad have both passed on. For me, recalling what we did, any time of the year, but especially at these various 'marker days', like the first Thanksgiving without mom, first Christmas, first birthday of mom's, etc., always tough, for sure, have helped me through. Memories, good memories, will help you through these times also.

My very best to you, cbeeindisney.

I am so sorry for your losses, sending strength and comfort to you as well during the holidays. ❤

 

[cbeeindisney]

I am so sorry for your great loss. Losing your Mother is so difficult. I lost mine in 2016 like you, suddenly and without warning, for us it was Easter next, which she Loved. I hosted using her China, decorating with her pieces, left a seat empty for Mum. ❤ It was so difficult, but I thought I did her proud.

Navigating through grief, there are no rules, are you up to a big meal? Would you like to create something new? After losing my Mum, we had many more losses, so we started to travel at Xmas, and found this easier.

I will keep you in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.

I'm sorry for your loss as well, I hope it gets a bit easier with each year. I love that you hosted and used her China, what a nice way to honor her and keep her with you during that time. I have heard about leaving a spot open for her when there is a big gathering, I love that concept. Thank you for sending comfort, sending hugs to you as well.

 

[lisaviolet]

I am so very sorry for your loss cnbeeindisney. The world changes so profoundly without your mother.

Christmas is hard. But I love it too. So it is often a battle. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year. It all changed for me when a loved one who was only twenty passed suddenly and tragically just days before Christmas. So my head goes there every year with the shock of those days and missing her. And after a long struggle with dementia my Mom passed in my care days after Christmas in 2017.

And she made Christmas so special for all of us. So the loss of my mother then and what she did for us touch me the most at Christmas.

What helped, not healed but helped -

*Somewhere I heard that our loved ones, who have passed, can only see this world through our eyes. That is their only choice in vision Ie. Our experiences are theirs. I don't know if it is true of course but it is helpful for me. Through straightforward gentle guilt if I am staying stagnant and not *experiencing* due to loss. And wanting the best for them. So I at least pretend it's true.

*This one rings harsh but for whatever reason it helped me (and I am sensitive to loved ones that have had children pass away, would never share this one.)

Katie Couric's mother said this to her as she was mourning her husband Jay and struggling.

She told her daughter -

The earth is for the living.

For whatever reason it hit me. I HATE time heals everything. It is such ********, because how could it? But regardless of those possibly contradictory thoughts, this harsh statement flipped something for me somewhat.

More tangible choices -

*a combination of new traditions but holding on to the old as well. Both give comfort to me. I do bring out her precious pieces of china/Christmas plates/ancient cookie press etc I have a mixing bowl that she got as a wedding present and around holidays it gives me such comfort. Those kinds of things. And smile when my baking (especially edges on everything) are not hers. And smile and laugh about how skilled she was at so many things, a la am I really your daughter? Insert smile. And new. I smiled when I got some new Christmas pans for myself, what she would think of them.

But cnbeeindisney, that ability came in time, not necessarily the first year. Just be gentle with yourself. And do the best you can.

All the best to you, and your family, through this holiday season.

 

[cbeeindisney]

I am so very sorry for your loss cnbeeindisney. The world changes so profoundly without your mother.

Christmas is hard. But I love it too. So it is often a battle. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year. It all changed for me when a loved one who was only twenty passed suddenly and tragically just days before Christmas. So my head goes there every year with the shock of those days and missing her. And after a long struggle with dementia my Mom passed in my care days after Christmas in 2017.

And she made Christmas so special for all of us. So the loss of my mother then and what she did for us touch me the most at Christmas.

What helped, not healed but helped -

*Somewhere I heard that our loved ones, who have passed, can only see this world through our eyes. That is their only choice in vision Ie. Our experiences are theirs. I don't know if it is true of course but it is helpful for me. Through straightforward gentle guilt if I am staying stagnant and not *experiencing* due to loss. And wanting the best for them. So I at least pretend it's true.

*This one rings harsh but for whatever reason it helped me (and I am sensitive to loved ones that have had children pass away, would never share this one.)

Katie Couric's mother said this to her as she was mourning her husband Jay and struggling.

She told her daughter -

The earth is for the living.

For whatever reason it hit me. I HATE time heals everything. It is such ********, because how could it? But regardless of those possibly contradictory thoughts, this harsh statement flipped something for me somewhat.

More tangible choices -

*a combination of new traditions but holding on to the old as well. Both give comfort to me. I do bring out her precious pieces of china/Christmas plates/ancient cookie press etc I have a mixing bowl that she got as a wedding present and around holidays it gives me such comfort. Those kinds of things. And smile when my baking (especially edges on everything) are not hers. And smile and laugh about how skilled she was at so many things, a la am I really your daughter? Insert smile. And new. I smiled when I got some new Christmas pans for myself, what she would think of them.

But cnbeeindisney, that ability came in time, not necessarily the first year. Just be gentle with yourself. And do the best you can.

All the best to you, and your family, through this holiday season.

@lisaviolet- Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I love that your baking brings you joy and brings happy memories and thoughts of your mother, during the year and especially at the holidays. I'm so sorry for your losses.

"Earth is for the living" and while I understand how this could seem harsh, I understand that my life cannot stop now that she's gone. As much as I think sometimes it's just too hard to go on when loved ones pass and there can be so much sadness, I try to remember there is still so much more living to do and happiness to be found as well. I find that comforting as well. These offer some bit of help and I appreciate that, thank you for your kind words.

 

[lisaviolet]

You're welcome.