Friends had a tragedy....feeling helpless

[MamaLema]

I am so sorry to hear this.

When my DS16 was severely ill in the hospital over the summer, we didn't think he would make it...he did though!

Things that helped me were offers of food/water...I wouldn't have eaten or drank otherwise. Also, just the company of someone being there. You don't even need to talk but people's presence was enough to get through that minute, hour, day.

 

[RedAngie]

I agree with you that it's best not to call or visit before the funeral services. You're most likely correct that they'd like their privacy right now and close family is already there taking care of their needs. No need to send anything right now. But AFTER the funeral, yes, offer to bring food, or run errands, or help clean, or anything that needs to be done but the family won't feel like doing. Or just be available to talk and listen.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm sorry, I understand the helpless feeling. Your friends will need a lot of ongoing support for a significant amount of time.

 

[anniemae]

I agree with food, but they will probably get tons of pasta, chicken etc. I was thinking a deli platter, so they can feed guests. A couple bags of chips and some drinks and you have a meal. But as others have said, they may be getting many of these and will have to toss extras out. Some things just don't keep well.

Maybe bring breakfast one morning. coffee and muffins.

gift cards to local restaurants so they can get food when the initial wave of food stops.

I like the disposable cooler filled with water, soda etc. Add in some cups too.

It is such a helpless feeling to want to do something for them, but you don't know what.

 

[elphaba91]

I vow that the next time I bring food for a similar situation, I'm going with a green salad (or something green - too many carbs!).

Yes! We had so many quiches, savoury pies, pasta dishes, etc. but only one salad. I think the same neighbour who brought the salad also dropped off cooked veggies one night with just carrots, green beans, etc. (or maybe it was a meal that included the veggies, I can't remember) and it was so nice to have something different to all that stodgy food.

 

[MataHari22]

I have, unfortunately, been through a few major tragedies, and I was always inundated with food, so much so, that I had no room to put it all! Also, I am the type of person, that cannot eat when I am overwhelmed and stressed, and most of my immediate family is the same way. I honestly, would call and see what they needed. You can offer to cook for them or bring food, offer to do food shopping, or ask if they could used paper plates and plastic ware. There will be a deluge of people there for them now, make sure you are "there" for them when everyone else leaves. Sometimes, it's weeks and months afterward that are the hardest.

 

[spacemountainmom]

If you are going to do food for a family (either death or crisis situation), use www.takethemameal.com to coordinate who is bringing what and when. We set this up when a friend of mine got sick and passed. It was invaluable to her husband and kids. We kept it going for months after she passed. You can even set it up so people can send take-out to the family.

 

[luvsJack]

The things that helped the most at mil's last year at times like this was drinks, plastic cups and ice. Paper plates and paper towels and plastic cutlery.

Lots of people did bring food-heavy food. But some knew there were all the teens and young kids so they brought a bunch of pizzas which was great because i don't think they could have stood another sandwich or piece of chicken.

Another thing most appreciated was casseroles in aluminum pans that could easily be served or frozen for later. Mil had meals for several days after the funeral.

Lastly if you have the time someone being able to stay and organize the food brought in, clean the kitchen, keep the garbage emptied, etc. is truly a God send.

 

[sms]

Things that we really appreciated when my Dad passed away; coffee and creamer, coffee cups, bagels, croissants and chicken salad (pre-made sandwiches). We had friends and family cleaning the house, house sitting and helping with yard work and helping with pets. Toilet paper goes fast lol. After everything is over, some restaurant and movie gift cards and a nice new pair of cozy pj's is great!!!

 

[leebee]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my mother died, we had her funeral service and then a gathering at the church hall for everyone who'd come to the service (there was no burial, she was cremated). AFTER the gathering at the church, we'd invited relatives and close friends back to my sister's home. A couple of my other sister's high school friends (now adults, but they'd hung out at my mom's when they were all in school) skipped the gathering after the service and went directly to my sister's home to set up food, beverages, etc. They continued to be the "kitchen crew" for the evening, keeping food moving, refilling drinks, clearing up, etc. It left us free to visit and reminisce, and then to go to bed when it was over and done instead of spending the day in the kitchen and then facing the overwhelming task of cleaning up.

 

[Yolanda Johnson]

I also think lots of food gift cards would be nice because they will not feel like cooking for awhile.

 

[Planogirl]

Yard work? I remember that our neighbor just started cutting my mother's grass after my father died suddenly. I thought that that was so thoughtful.

 

[PollyannaMom]

For now, I second a salad or veggie tray to go with some of the heavier things people usually bring. A case of bottled water is a great idea too!

Christmas is going to be hard for them. Feel out what they need then, as everyone reacts to that first holiday differently. They might need an escape from all the cheerfulness, or they might be trying to "keep up" for the sake of their younger DD or nieces and nephews. In either case, offering to run errands for them is nice.

 

[luvsJack]

For now, I second a salad or veggie tray to go with some of the heavier things people usually bring. A case of bottled water is a great idea too!

Christmas is going to be hard for them. Feel out what they need then, as everyone reacts to that first holiday differently. They might need an escape from all the cheerfulness, or they might be trying to "keep up" for the sake of their younger DD or nieces and nephews. In either case, offering to run errands for them is nice.

Oh yes, this is so true. Christmas is going to be incedibly hard for them. Mil went into a depression right before our eyes on Christmas eve.

If you can plan an outing with your friends around the holidays that isn't something y'all usually do or they did with their son. Doesn't have to be big, just something that gets the family away from the memories for just a little while. We did this for my Mom the first Christmas without Dad and it gave her a memory of that holiday season that wasn't taken over by missing him. She said later that it helped quite a bit. If you know other friends of theirs, if a few of you can plan different things it would help a lot. Of course, this will depend on them wanting to do anything, they may not and that's ok too. If that's the case, maybe include their younger child (ren?) in outings.