Grandparenting or babysitting??

[NewRVLady]

Two separate issues being discussed in this thread - one is the fact that taking the OP's account at face value, objectively, by most of our standards the parents here are disengaged, self-centred and irresponsible possibly to the point of negligence. The other is how the OP feels manipulated by her daughter to look after the grandson more than she wants to. The OP herself has not expressed much concern about the the grandson being in peril.

The DIS snowball is rolling down-hill pretty far now, up to and including the suggestion that the OP get ready to have the child placed in her custody by DFS?

the oP did say she spent an entire Sunday trying to get hold of her DD to return grandson when something came up and never responded. When she went at the prescribes 7Pm-her Dd shrugged and said she was sleeping at a friend's house ALL DAY

sorry- , if MY DIL and son were acting like this , I'd be semi-frantic-dumping their child for 3 days EVERY weekend!

 

[wenrob]

the oP did say she spent an entire Sunday trying to get hold of her DD to return grandson when something came up and never responded. When she went at the prescribes 7Pm-her Dd shrugged and said she was sleeping at a friend's house ALL DAY

sorry- , if MY DIL and son were acting like this , I'd be semi-frantic-dumping their child for 3 days EVERY weekend!

What about the old "there's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth?" It doesn't seem anyone has considered that the OP might be greatly exaggerating. Her original complaint was that her DD was keeping her grandson from her. I offered a solution and asked if it was possible and guess what? Crickets.

People are making the jump to the DD being a drunken/drug addled, neglectful parent when no one has HER story. It could be far from that, it could be somewhere in the middle. Young people party without becoming addicts. I certainly did at that age minus having a child. It could be that she doesn't want to drive 45 mins there and back two days in a row so she asks for it to be the whole weekend. When my mother lived an hour away and wanted to take my oldest it would be for the weekend. One of us would pick up, one of us would deliver. OP says it's every weekend but is it? I asked if she could go see her grandson and she never answered and that has been bothering me. This very well could be just a battle of wills between mother and daughter. As to the sleeping all day at a friend's she says that happened one time. While I'd be upset over it, it does happen and doesn't automatically make her some horrible person. Immature and inconsiderate? Absolutely.

edit: I'm not saying you specifically said any of this. My post made more sense with other quotes but they didn't show up.

 

[ronandannette]

the oP did say she spent an entire Sunday trying to get hold of her DD to return grandson when something came up and never responded. When she went at the prescribes 7Pm-her Dd shrugged and said she was sleeping at a friend's house ALL DAY

sorry- , if MY DIL and son were acting like this , I'd be semi-frantic-dumping their child for 3 days EVERY weekend!

I don't disagree - and please believe that the whole slant of this situation would be completely different if it were my family (God forbid). But even in the example you've chosen, the OP's prevailing issue was the conflict between her DD's expectations/demands and her own ability/willingness to accommodate - not a concern that the child isn't being parented correctly.

 

[disykat]

I think the reason people are being hard on the mom is that we flat out can't understand wanting their 2 year old babysat all weekend except on a rare special occasion.

It's also very insulting to a parent if the only time their adult child wants to see them is if they are passing them their child to be cared for.

I don't have grandkids yet but I like to think that my adult sons actually enjoy visiting with me on occasion!

 

[LuvGoofy6]

First, I feel bad for her grandson. I do think it is GREAT for him to get to spend time with both grandmas. I can't wait for the time to come when I can spend time with my grandkids. However, I would not want the time spent with grandchildren to come with the message "that mom needs a break from you every weekend." That's sad. And as the grandmother I would worry who was watching the little guy if neither grandmother is able to watch him. Is she still going out and leaving him with someone and is that someone a person who appreciates him and not resentful toward him? I say resentful because it sounds like this mom forces her child onto others. Hopefully, mom is is spending quality time with him during the work week since she is unemployed.

 

[Ceila]

What about the old "there's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth?" It doesn't seem anyone has considered that the OP might be greatly exaggerating. Her original complaint was that her DD was keeping her grandson from her. I offered a solution and asked if it was possible and guess what? Crickets.

People are making the jump to the DD being a drunken/drug addled, neglectful parent when no one has HER story. It could be far from that, it could be somewhere in the middle. Young people party without becoming addicts. I certainly did at that age minus having a child. It could be that she doesn't want to drive 45 mins there and back two days in a row so she asks for it to be the whole weekend. When my mother lived an hour away and wanted to take my oldest it would be for the weekend. One of us would pick up, one of us would deliver. OP says it's every weekend but is it? I asked if she could go see her grandson and she never answered and that has been bothering me. This very well could be just a battle of wills between mother and daughter. As to the sleeping all day at a friend's she says that happened one time. While I'd be upset over it, it does happen and doesn't automatically make her some horrible person. Immature and inconsiderate? Absolutely.

edit: I'm not saying you specifically said any of this. My post made more sense with other quotes but they didn't show up.

I'm in agreement with you. I find it odd that she never even mentioned having a son, when her previous posts indicate that she has a 14 year old. I can't believe that how all of this wouldn't affect him. And, since she was pretty detailed about her daughter's life, I'd have trouble believing that she just chose to not mentioned him. Something doesn't feel right with this story.

 

[luvsJack]

I had this problem with my ex dil. She too thought we should have the children every weekend all weekend. Or at least the weekends that the children weren't with ds.

I just had to say no. It wasn't fair to me, dd or dh. Now I have the children on my terms. I just either told her no or ignored her requests. And now I can do more grandma things and less like a babysitter. I take them out for pizza, to the park or just to visit their great grandmother. I either tell her upfront they can't spend the night or if they can I let her know they can.

I am able to enjoy my grandchildren rather than resenting having to keep them for her.

Op you have to put things back onn your terms. It makes for a better relationship with your grandchild.

 

[NewRVLady]

I'm in agreement with you. I find it odd that she never even mentioned having a son, when her previous posts indicate that she has a 14 year old. I can't believe that how all of this wouldn't affect him. And, since she was pretty detailed about her daughter's life, I'd have trouble believing that she just chose to not mentioned him. Something doesn't feel right with this story.

I see like 8 years ago she casually mentions going to WDW for her son's Birthday
Honestly-If I was posting about a problem with one of my kids, I wouldn't bring up the others in the conversation. Not weird to me (shrug)

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with many that, based on what is posted here, it seems the DD is trying to take advantage and is far too entitled or pushy. Personally, except in trued emergency situations I do not think grandparents should ever be seen as babysitters. If they happen to offer, sure, great, accept with gratitude, but never ask/for/expect it.

That said, this line stands out from the OP to me: " She will not visit or come over for a little while so I can see him."
OP--you live nearly an hour from your daughter and grandson. Do you ever try to see your grandson in his hometown? Do you call your DD and say you'D really like to see the baby and can you stop by and pick him up for an outing to the park (or whatever) sometimes this weekend (and maybe offer to take her out for a coffee and and chat while you are there?). Or, do you expect her to make the effort to allow you to get to know your grandson, and to spend time with you? If the latter, well, I guess that I think perhaps you are both expecting things out of the other person that are above and beyond the normal or fair expectation.

As far as the teen son goes, I have to agree with a PP that I do not really see why he would have been brought up in the OP. OP is not babysitting every weekend, so he is likely not terribly affected by it all. He is just one more reason though, why OP should not cave to demands to babysit all weekend on a regular basis.