Guilt over possible move

[kellyarms20]

When my 2nd husband and I met 10 years ago, one of the things we had in common was the desire to move back west, where I’m from, at some point after my kids were finished with school. My parents, who still live on the west side of the U.S., have always been thrilled at the prospect of me moving “home” - a time which is now fast-approaching.

The problem is, close to 6 years ago, my husband and I started frequenting Disney World (was always a Disneyland person prior to this). Over the past few years we’ve started entertaining the idea of moving to Celebration or surrounding community instead of back out west. We’re currently in the South living in a climate very similar to Orlando and we’re both able to tele-commute.

The thought of abandoning the move “home” fills me with terrible guilt. Am I being silly? Over-thinking what my family’s reaction will be to me not moving to be close to them? At this point the ONLY reason I’d move back out west is to be nearer to my extended family. I’ve lived a few states away from them for over 20 years now.

I should add that my oldest is halfway through college through Disney Aspire and plans on working for Disney as a career and wants to live in FL - so a move to Celebration would keep me close to her. We’ll be realistically looking to move in 2 years.

 

[MillauFr]

You need to worry about #1 wants, then your husband, and then your children. Everyone else is a distant 4th. Moving out west might be nice but it is extremely expense out on the Pacific Coast. We live in Seattle and I tell my daughter she is crazy to stay here unless she gets a six figure job right out of college working at Alphabet, Microsoft, Apple, Facebook, or Amazon.

 

[kellyarms20]

You need to worry about #1 wants, then your husband, and then your children. Everyone else is a distant 4th. Moving out west might be nice but it is extremely expense out on the Pacific Coast. We live in Seattle and I tell my daughter she is crazy to stay here unless she gets a six figure job right out of college working at Alphabet, Microsoft, Apple, Facebook, or Amazon.

Intellectually, I know you’re right. It’s southwest, and not California, so is very slightly more expensive than where we are now.
Emotionally though, my brain screams, “GUILTY!” Although I’d be horrified to think of one of my kids agonizing over something like this. I want them, truly, to do what makes them happy. So maybe I need to trust that my parents will feel the same?

 

[FigmentSpark]

Is there a chance your family would move to be closer to you? If it's just your mom and dad, that might be doable.

 

[kellyarms20]

Is there a chance your family would move to be closer to you? If it's just your mom and dad, that might be doable.

No, no chance. And they usually roll their eyes at our love of Disney. There have been twinges of “you’re going AGAIN?” in recent years...
They like to sit at home and watch the news. That and church are about all they do.

 

[FigmentSpark]

Well, I don't think you should feel guilty about living your life. My mom is not nearby, but at 81, could use my help. Once in awhile she tries the "move home" thing, but that's not possible. At least she's thinking that there may come a time when she won't have a choice but to come here, but she wants to stay in her town for as long as possible. Well, it's her life, so I can't make her give it up, either.

 

[HeatherC]

I don’t think you should feel guilty. Do what makes you happy.

For me, however, being close to family makes me happy. Living closer to a theme park is not something I would even entertain as a thought. Especially now, because things may never go back to the way they were.

 

[Tattylou]

Did you have guilt when you moved away 20 years ago? How did you deal with it then? I think you've lived away long enough that the family might be disappointed, but it isn't really going to change how things have been for 2 decades for them.

 

[nkereina]

I agree with PPs. You have to think about long-term. Moving out of state, anywhere, is a big commitment and something people don't like to do more than they have to. If you move home, you may (God willing) get a few more good years with your parents and also with your extended family. But then what? At some point, parents will be gone and extended family have lives of their own. At that point, its your children and maybe grandchildren you want to spend time with. Would you be willing to move back south then? What if there are health concerns or you're no longer in a position to move cross country again? Its a lot to think about, but my personal choice would be to remain close to my kids, who are the ones who will be there the rest of your life.

Alternatively, since you can tele-commute, is it an option to maybe spend the summer on the west coast? Rent an Airbnb for a month or stay with a relative? Even buy a condo or something so you can visit as often as you want? Just throwing out ideas. I know what a tough position it is - I live 90 minutes from my aging parents and am an only child. I feel guilt even in my position at times.

 

[ronandannette]

Every decision - every single one - has an opportunity cost, since you can’t have your cake and eat it too. In this case, following your hearts to Florida means the loss of your previous plan to go back where you came from and since that intention had been shared with your family, they too have a loss of sorts. Whether or not you “should” feel guilty doesn’t mean you will or won’t - I suspect the answer is both.

You will greatly appreciate having a new home you love and all the area offers but you will also miss being with your people, especially as your parents age. They may also try to make you feel bad; some parents are like that but if yours are, you’ve probably encountered it before at some point in your adult life. Make your decision and own it; luckily this is something that can be undone or redone if it doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

 

[Carol_]

I'd go to Celebration and schedule regular visits (2x/year) out west. Skype/Facetime/Zoom meeting in between, and don't forget they can visit you, too. Don't forget to invite them!
DVC gurus say, "Buy where you want to stay."

 

[BuckeyeBama]

It sounds like moving back would push you into a lifestyle that does not appeal to you at all. Guilt or not, you could end up miserable and that can destroy relationships. By moving closer you could end up even further apart, IMO.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm grappling with something similar right now, though for different reasons - my husband has a promotion opportunity that would take us out of state, not to a place I ever envisioned myself living but in the region we'd long talked about as an after-kids or retirement plan, and it comes with about 25% more money than he makes now. I can work from anywhere, so my career isn't an offsetting factor. But my mother is here in Michigan and my kids and I are the only close family she has left, so I have a lot of guilt about even considering the move.

Have you talked to your family about it? My mom has been very clear that she doesn't want to be the reason we pass on this opportunity, which has helped a great deal. And particularly since you mention you and your husband can tele-commute, extended visits to where your family live might be an option to make the miles between you feel a little less significant.

 

[RamblingMad]

Given that the parks are closed and will take a while to get back up and running, is there any chance your daughter ends up on the west coast for her Disney employment?

In my working career, I have lived in the Midwest, Southwest and Southeast. There is a high likelihood that she will leave Florida at some point in her career.

I had to go back west to keep my parents out of long term care, which makes so much more sense for me now that COVID-19 is out there.

 

[luv2sewtjr]

My long term plan has me (ideally) somewhere sort of convenient to my kids. We’ll see where they all settle. The oldest is 20 and the youngest is 15.

 

[ashley0139]

I mean personally I don't understand the idea of changing all your plans to be closer to a theme park. But you have to do what is right for you.

 

[wvjules]

I mean personally I don't understand the idea of changing all your plans to be closer to a theme park. But you have to do what is right for you.

Same! What is it about Disney that does this to people?

 

[disykat]

Simply substitute wanting to be near "activities you enjoy" and then it will be understandable. Disney might be every ten years for me, but I certainly get wanting to live near activities I enjoy.

 

[kellyarms20]

I'm grappling with something similar right now, though for different reasons - my husband has a promotion opportunity that would take us out of state, not to a place I ever envisioned myself living but in the region we'd long talked about as an after-kids or retirement plan, and it comes with about 25% more money than he makes now. I can work from anywhere, so my career isn't an offsetting factor. But my mother is here in Michigan and my kids and I are the only close family she has left, so I have a lot of guilt about even considering the move.

Have you talked to your family about it? My mom has been very clear that she doesn't want to be the reason we pass on this opportunity, which has helped a great deal. And particularly since you mention you and your husband can tele-commute, extended visits to where your family live might be an option to make the miles between you feel a little less significant.

Yeah, I’ve kind of hinted but my mom gets quiet and changes the subject.

 

[kellyarms20]

I mean personally I don't understand the idea of changing all your plans to be closer to a theme park. But you have to do what is right for you.

It’s not just because of being close to Disney but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that was a huge factor. It’s where we go on 90% of our vacations and we’re always sad when we have to leave.