How did you deal with Empty Nest Syndrome?

[RedAngie]

 

[maxaroni]

I will add that it is so different going back to being a couple. We started out as a couple and it felt wonderful and normal. When adding a baby and becoming a family, it is an adjustment. Now, we are back to being a couple and it is another adjustment. Before me moved out of our house to downsize, I will waiting for my DS to come home and clomp up the stairs. Meanwhile, he had moved out and then got married. It was hard realizing we were back to just the 2 of us again, yet different people than we were in our early years of marriage. Not only have we gotten older and in a different phase of our lives, we are parents and you never stop thinking or worrying about your child(ren).

One thing we did that started with the pandemic, is choose a night and eat dinner together with FaceTime. Some nights, we had take out from the same place so eating from the same restaurant!

We had our DS after being married 10 years, so a bit older, due to 10 years of infertility. Therefore, when we became empty nesters, we were entering into a different stage of our life. We have downsized and DH is semi retired. I am still working but working from home.

 

[snappy]

Mrs. Ciz, sorry you have so much to face right now. I think I can relate a little to the knee thing (I am awaiting knee surgery after this current Covid surge), but for you, after going through the surgery, to end up with infection and yet another hospitalization is beyond challenging.

I struggled the most with empty nest when our youngest moved out to an apartment freshman year of College. Luckily she chose to go to the large state university here, and we live very close, so we saw her a lot those 4 years. I still was emotional, in my mind, irrationally so. However, I realized later, we had just lost the sweet pup we adopted when this daughter was 4 years old, less than a month before her high school graduation. At the time my siblings and I were also exploring options for our widowed mother to move out of her house here and into a senior retirement facility. She moved in the next year but it took a lot of research, visits, and convincing mom to make it happen.

I think you are on the right track planning ways to cope. It is good to have a number of different coping strategies. I ended up doing a second part time gig, completely different from my lifelong profession, which brought me in close contact with mom’s facility for about four years. I sort of phased out on it during 2019 after my husband retired, and finally gave it up when Covid hit mom’s facility. Early on in the empty nest stage, I took some solo trips, and my husband and I have traveled a lot, both short trips and long ones. We have been married a long time, 43 years, and we have had occasions to support each other after a health crisis hit, after hurricane Katrina, etc. It really helps to have a partner you can lean on. It sounds like you have that. Hugs.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think it goes without saying that there’s a commitment to owning a pet. Many people need to be reminded of that. However, I don’t think that @Mrs. Ciz is one of those people.

That's why I said I'm sure she would take care of the pet but doing other activities first would be best. I actually only commented on that because the OP specifically put "exploring getting a dog (never had one before but it might be nice to have one to walk, hike with, and nurture)".

It doesn't matter who a poster is, or who an individual is IRL everyone who has never owned a pet but it looking to fill a loneliness needs to actually consider all that goes into having a pet. If you haven't been consistently walking, especially due to an injury or recent surgery how do you know you're going to be able to physically do that and have a dog on a leash that may tug at you, are you able to hike and is it even an activity you've found you enjoy, among other things. It never goes without saying even to everyone who already owns a pet, there's getting multiple pets in a household, there's getting different kinds of pets (like going from a cat to a dog or a dog to a cat), there's different stages of life we're all in and the stages of life the pet is in. No one should be above a discussion of pets and the aspects of owning one, we all benefit from the discussions (how many threads have we had from pet owners here on the DIS?) at least to me we all benefit but I suppose that can be an agree to disagree point.

 

[easyas123]

Yeah, that was pretty much our response, too!

OP, and others concerned with hitting that wall or not knowing what to do with yourselves...I'll share this. Do not neglect yourself and your relationship with your SO/partner/spouse/other friendships. I have a person in my life I'm close to. They made their whole world the kids without taking a moment for themselves. Never once took a vacation without them, not even a weekend away. Went to every single sports/band event AND practice. I could go on and on...it was so bad that when the kids were aged out of certain activities/school functions they STILL went to these things even though their kids were no longer doing them. Kids went off to school, one is graduation college and in the work force, the other has another year to go....they talked the eldest into moving home. Goodness knows what is going to happen when the youngest graduates. They even still will not take a vacation without the kids. Kids who are now adults and over 21. Will not do it. They have in no way prepared themselves for any type of life without kids in the house and carry on as if they are still 10 years old. It was unhealthy and now that the kids have significant others and friends and interests outside of vacationing with their parents it is hitting the parents very, very hard. God knows what kind of personal meltdown they'll have once the kids are sharing holidays with significant others on occasion. Pretty much their whole and entire life revolved around the kids and that was 100% the focus that now that that focus is starting to wane they are at loose ends. I totally think they have no idea to go about living without kids being the only focal point in life. The kids do still get on great with their parents, it's just that the parents can't deal with the kids focus not being 100% on them. Kids are starting to live their lives and parents want to come along for every single bit of it and it's not healthy for them. I won't be surprised when the kids start to push back on the constant togetherness and there are hurt feelings.
Do we vacation with our adult kids? Not as much these days - everyone has different budgets & time schedules not to mention they might want to vacation how/where we do at this time. Will we vacation as a family again? I'm sure we will.
Do we see our adult kids often? Sure we do! Family dinners happen on occasion. One of our sons works for us although not at the same location, so weeks could go by before we see each other in a work situation.
Did we take time to have a bit of a life outside of being parents? Yes we did.

let them go if you want them to come back.

 

[notatallmagic]

Interesting topic - very relevant to this time of year.

Any other single parents out there with kids heading off to college or empty nesting? So much of what I read is focused on spending time with your spouse now that the kids(s) is gone - but as a single parent with zero involvement of the other long-gone parent, I've enjoyed/had to spend my parenting years very hands on. I have two kids, and we are pretty close; but I traveled a ton BEFORE having kids, and with no spouse to focus on, I'm wondering what I will do not just when my oldest leaves in two weeks for college (about 4 hours away) but when my younges leaves in a few years.

 

[Cadiewampus]

Our son just went to a community college so lived at home until he got married at the age of 25. Most of his high school pals went away to college and they all gathered at our house all the time when they came home. Drove me nuts most of the time. It was like a mini college frat house. In the mean time he had met a girl who he would leventually marry and they hung out at our house all the time too. I’ll be honest, there were no tears when he got married and moved out and we could finally have some peace and quiet.

Lol sounds like our house currently. Our youngest going to a college less than 10 miles from our house so he is living at home. His two best freinds from high school are going to the same college and they all hang out at our house several times a month. My wife and I love having them around as we have know them both since elementary school.

 

[John VN]

ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES WHAT SO EVER

We raised DD and DS to be INDEPENDANT as we felt parents should do and when DD went to college, son into ARMY it was pretty much a "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out into the World" feeling.

 

[China Expat]

We have one child, and it was tough when he went to university in PA (we live in CA). ABout a month after he left for school, we stumbled upon a golden retriever rescue group, fostered an adorable pup, adopted him, and he became our second son! We also joined as volunteers. It was/is awesome.

 

[georgina]

I found it helpful to get into some volunteer work. Doing things for others takes my mind off my woes. Getting outside for a walk. It has been a particularly rough year with limited travel and social activities.

I remember when my first child went off to college I would find myself still setting a place for her at the dinner table, and then cry. The next 2 were a bit easier, though the youngest went across the country to California and has stayed there after graduation. Today is my DS's 29th birthday and he is also 3000 miles away in Seattle area, so I am feeling a bit sad.

We recently moved to be closer to oldest and her DH who are expecting our first grandchild. In a new area we are still working on meeting people and finding our way around, so it is a bit lonely again. I am hoping to find a church soon because I have found previous church affiliation to provide a good social group, however with the return of indoor masking here I may wait a bit longer.

It takes time, and I allow myself to feel sad sometimes. Good luck in finding your way!

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Lol sounds like our house currently. Our youngest going to a college less than 10 miles from our house so he is living at home. His two best freinds from high school are going to the same college and they all hang out at our house several times a month. My wife and I love having them around as we have know them both since elementary school.

Our son’s friends were all good kids too that he has known since grade school. Our house is very small though, just 2 bedrooms upstairs and 1 bath downstairs. The entire downstairs is open concept as well so it’s pretty much impossible to go to bed and not hear all the voices and of course the music all hours of the night. Our son is an only child so everybody always wanted to come here. He will be 39 this year and is still very close with all his friends. It is nice to see them together with their own kids now.

 

[lauritagoddess]

Interesting topic - very relevant to this time of year.

Any other single parents out there with kids heading off to college or empty nesting? So much of what I read is focused on spending time with your spouse now that the kids(s) is gone - but as a single parent with zero involvement of the other long-gone parent, I've enjoyed/had to spend my parenting years very hands on. I have two kids, and we are pretty close; but I traveled a ton BEFORE having kids, and with no spouse to focus on, I'm wondering what I will do not just when my oldest leaves in two weeks for college (about 4 hours away) but when my younges leaves in a few years.

I’m a single mom. My 19 year old did freshman year remote at home, but will be staying at the dorm for sophomore year. It’s a little bit of a different situation with us in that he has some challenges including anxiety and depression. We’re counting down the days now until he leaves and I am so hoping it works out. I want an empty nest because I want him to be happy and successful,on his own, I will be thrilled if he is happy on his own and to have to try and figure out what to do with myself. I guess his is the time to get back to hobbies.

 

[AvidDisReader]

I realize some parents don’t have any issues when their children move away either for college or for their adult careers. But for those parents who have struggled with Empty Nest Syndrome, what are some of the things you did/are doing to ease your emotions/feelings of loss and to develop a new sense of self or new roll for yourself?

I get a pit in my stomach and anxiety (which I‘ve never had in my life until a couple of years ago) when my youngest (DD22) talks about moving away. She graduated college in May and is working remotely from our house right now. But she plans to move 2 hours away sometime in October. She needs to do this - to be out on her own, living with friends, making a life for herself. I know that. But it is HARD!

I did ok when DS24 went away to college. I cried for a few minutes when I dropped him off and worried at first because he was anxious about finding friends and getting good grades. But after a couple of months, he’d found his groove and was happy, so I quit worrying. When DS graduated and moved away for his career, I had a hard time. I was very anxious his whole last year of college. Part of this may have been due to menopause - I found out later that anxiety is a known symptom. Part of it was due to the idea that once he moved, my family structure would be permanently changed. I cried off and on the first few months he was gone, but then he came home due to the Covid shutdown 8 months later. He was so unhappy at home with his social life shut down that I was really happy for him when he moved back to his city and got his life back! He’s doing really well at work and socially, and I’m delighted for him now. I also realized that he does come home to visit us from time to time!

With DD I’m really struggling and she hasn’t even left yet. I didn’t cry when I dropped her off at college because she was so ready to go and so happy to be there. But launching her into the big ol’ world is another story. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl and I worry about her safety more, or if it’s her personality (leap first, look second - while DS and I are just the opposite), or because she would forget her head somewhere if it wasn’t attached, or because we are really close, or because she’s my last one, or all of the above. She’s always required more parenting than my self motivated, self sufficient DS ever did. So even though I do have faith in her, cutting those apron strings is giving me anxiety.

On top of all this, I’ve had a really physically challenging 12 months. I had double knee replacement in July 2020 with a long difficult recovery. I went back to work as a teacher teaching face to face classes in the Fall. Then I got Covid in January 2021. A month later in February, my right knee had problems. The implant and tibia bone were infected and had to be removed. I spent 8 weeks on IV antibiotics (with another week in the hospital when the first antibiotic I was on almost killed me). I was infection free by mid May and got my final knee implant on June 28th. I’m in physical therapy now. I finally go back to work on August 16th after being out on short term disability for 6 months. So there’s that whole roller coaster.

I’m working really hard to be ok with my empty nest. Some of the things I’ve done or am considering doing are:
- went on vacation with just DH
- focused on nurturing my friendships with my girlfriends (I haven’t been very good at this in the past.)
- reading the book Empty Nest: Full Life
- taking Trazodone to help with sleep and anxiety
- going back to work full time
- planning on buying a used camping trailer for weekend trips with DH
- exploring getting a dog (never had one before but it might be nice to have one to walk, hike with, and nurture)
- starting an exercise program once physical therapy is done.
- I’m also trying to be supportive of my DD’s dreams versus throw up roadblocks (which is what my anxiety wants me to do!)

Any other things you folks have done to overcome Empty Nest Syndrome?

To all going thru this kind of anxiety, get professional help. These issues to not go away by them self and can build until major damage is done. After my open heart surgery I tried to bury the anxiety and a little over a year later had a melt down. Luckily my employer and family guided me to get help. Thank the heavens they did. Please, do not put it off, the longer you wait the worse it will get.

 

[JoeA]

I was running around the house naked, a beer in my hand and cranking 70's rock before she even left the driveway!

 

[luv2sewtjr]

I’m a single parent and my nest will empty within the next year. My 21 year old moves out this fall, my 18 year old will be off to college in January, and next august my youngest will go off to college.

I have a great circle of friends and have begun finding things to do solo. I also have a masters program picked out that I will begin then.

 

[goofyernmost]

The first time the nest emptied, both my girls were away for college. We spent the time trying to figure out how to pay for the tuition. We checked stores for any dented cans that were practically free because of the dent. Hey, Food is expensive.

The second time the nest emptied was when our last daughter got married and then we had to figure out how to pay for the wedding. Besides that my wife chose that time to leave herself and the time was spent dividing property so we had no time for a problem with the empty nest. It was more of a searching for another nest.

 

[1GoldenSun]

You know what? I read this yesterday and was totally sympathizing with OP, and was getting a little misty-eyed at the thought of the impending flight of my own chickadees, even though that's not for another five years. Then they got on ALL my nerves today. And then when I was rushing to get dinner ready (while they watched tv) and I accidentally knocked a glass jar off the counter, NO ONE said "Mother dearest, it looks like you're busy preparing another delicious and nourishing meal for us, let me clean that up for you." No they did not. My son just looked up and said "when's dinner gonna be ready?"

Did I tell you I have another five years?

I'll probably be emotional then though, and by that time OP will have a busy, full life with her dog and her travels, and her kids will come and see her all the time (because she seems like the kind of parent whose kids will WANT to come and see her), and she'll wonder what she was ever sad about.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

You know what? I read this yesterday and was totally sympathizing with OP, and was getting a little misty-eyed at the thought of the impending flight of my own chickadees, even though that's not for another five years. Then they got on ALL my nerves today. And then when I was rushing to get dinner ready (while they watched tv) and I accidentally knocked a glass jar off the counter, NO ONE said "Mother dearest, it looks like you're busy preparing another delicious and nourishing meal for us, let me clean that up for you." No they did not. My son just looked up and said "when's dinner gonna be ready?"

Did I tell you I have another five years?

I'll probably be emotional then though, and by that time OP will have a busy, full life with her dog and her travels, and her kids will come and see her all the time (because she seems like the kind of parent whose kids will WANT to come and see her), and she'll wonder what she was ever sad about.

Oh, I’ve had those days! Trust me!!! I’ll take some time away from my travels and my dog to offer you some comfort in 5 years when your kids fly the nest because even though the days are loooong, the years are short. {{Hugs}}

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

That's why I said I'm sure she would take care of the pet but doing other activities first would be best. I actually only commented on that because the OP specifically put "exploring getting a dog (never had one before but it might be nice to have one to walk, hike with, and nurture)".

It doesn't matter who a poster is, or who an individual is IRL everyone who has never owned a pet but it looking to fill a loneliness needs to actually consider all that goes into having a pet. If you haven't been consistently walking, especially due to an injury or recent surgery how do you know you're going to be able to physically do that and have a dog on a leash that may tug at you, are you able to hike and is it even an activity you've found you enjoy, among other things. It never goes without saying even to everyone who already owns a pet, there's getting multiple pets in a household, there's getting different kinds of pets (like going from a cat to a dog or a dog to a cat), there's different stages of life we're all in and the stages of life the pet is in. No one should be above a discussion of pets and the aspects of owning one, we all benefit from the discussions (how many threads have we had from pet owners here on the DIS?) at least to me we all benefit but I suppose that can be an agree to disagree point.

I totally agree with you; a dog is definitely a commitment not to be taken lightly. That’s why I’m still in the “exploring” phase. We’ve had cats for the last 30 years. But cats are less work than dogs. Right now I’m researching breeds and reputable breeders, figuring out vet costs, grooming costs, boarding/pet sitting costs, obedience class costs, fencing/invisible fence costs and putting money in the budget to cover those things. I also have some more healing to do before I can get a dog. I want to be able to keep up with it when we walk or hike and not get knocked over!

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Big hugs to you. That's a lot.

I've done OK with our one son who went 3 1/2 hours away to school, then moved 7 hours away, and has now landed 2 hours away.

I did better with my daughter leaving for school 2 hours away than I expected to. But she came back before that first year was over because of Covid of course. It's been such a blessing to have so much extra time with her at various times since then. She went back last year. And she'll be leaving again soon. But she'll visit every now and then and be back on breaks.

I really don't know how things will go when she really moves off for a job. Sigh. But I want her to spread her wings and be a strong adult more than I want her to stay here. So that will be my silver lining.

Do you have hobbies? Things you always wanted to do but life got in the way? I scheduled myself a week of scrapbooking when DD left for college. It was really great therapy.

Hobbies - I used to have several but I gave up most of them (except reading books) because there just wasn’t time to do them once the kids came along and their sports took over our lives. DH and I loved camping, hiking and bike riding. One of the reason I had my knees replaced at 55 was so that I can do all those things again now that I have time. Torn meniscus cartilage from running and arthritis in both knees had done me in. DH is also a big golfer. I’ve never played, but a few of the wives of his golf buddies have offered to teach me when I’m ready. I can’t decide whether I’m excited to learn or not.