How did you deal with Empty Nest Syndrome?

[Mrs. Ciz]

Yeah, that was pretty much our response, too!

OP, and others concerned with hitting that wall or not knowing what to do with yourselves...I'll share this. Do not neglect yourself and your relationship with your SO/partner/spouse/other friendships. I have a person in my life I'm close to. They made their whole world the kids without taking a moment for themselves. Never once took a vacation without them, not even a weekend away. Went to every single sports/band event AND practice. I could go on and on...it was so bad that when the kids were aged out of certain activities/school functions they STILL went to these things even though their kids were no longer doing them. Kids went off to school, one is graduation college and in the work force, the other has another year to go....they talked the eldest into moving home. Goodness knows what is going to happen when the youngest graduates. They even still will not take a vacation without the kids. Kids who are now adults and over 21. Will not do it. They have in no way prepared themselves for any type of life without kids in the house and carry on as if they are still 10 years old. It was unhealthy and now that the kids have significant others and friends and interests outside of vacationing with their parents it is hitting the parents very, very hard. God knows what kind of personal meltdown they'll have once the kids are sharing holidays with significant others on occasion. Pretty much their whole and entire life revolved around the kids and that was 100% the focus that now that that focus is starting to wane they are at loose ends. I totally think they have no idea to go about living without kids being the only focal point in life. The kids do still get on great with their parents, it's just that the parents can't deal with the kids focus not being 100% on them. Kids are starting to live their lives and parents want to come along for every single bit of it and it's not healthy for them. I won't be surprised when the kids start to push back on the constant togetherness and there are hurt feelings.
Do we vacation with our adult kids? Not as much these days - everyone has different budgets & time schedules not to mention they might want to vacation how/where we do at this time. Will we vacation as a family again? I'm sure we will.
Do we see our adult kids often? Sure we do! Family dinners happen on occasion. One of our sons works for us although not at the same location, so weeks could go by before we see each other in a work situation.
Did we take time to have a bit of a life outside of being parents? Yes we did.

let them go if you want them to come back.

Luckily DH and I have always prioritized our relationship. We’ve taken several trips without the kids over the years. They were maybe every other year trips when the kids were small. Then we stepped up the frequency to 2 a year (Easter Break & Summer), plus some weekends away once our oldest hit college. Six years ago we started to do our “family” trip over the Christmas holidays because that’s the only time both kids seem to be free.

As for my friendships - I’ve done well maintaining my relationship with my college girlfriends. We still get together once or twice a year. And DH has made sure we still see a few of the couples we are friends with. But I’ve fallen really short on maintaining friendships with my mom friends (the moms of my kids’ friends). I love some of those ladies, and I’m bummed I didn’t do a better job of keeping in touch with them over the last 10 years. Because I don’t want to make the same mistake again, I’ve tried really hard to nurture my work friendships lately. Friendships are so important!!!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I totally agree with you; a dog is definitely a commitment not to be taken lightly. That’s why I’m still in the “exploring” phase. We’ve had cats for the last 30 years. But cats are less work than dogs. Right now I’m researching breeds and reputable breeders, figuring out vet costs, grooming costs, boarding/pet sitting costs, obedience class costs, fencing/invisible fence costs and putting money in the budget to cover those things. I also have some more healing to do before I can get a dog. I want to be able to keep up with it when we walk or hike and not get knocked over!

My mom has gone 25+ years at this point without a dog (she had a cocker spaniel) so it would be like starting over for her. She was considering a few years ago getting one after having a tenant in her home that had a dog (sweet as can be rescue dog) and she took care of him every now and then (mostly letting him go outside, feeding him and playing with him). She had both knees totally replaced in 2019 (one in June and one in September) so I understand that component to your situation (although I'm sorry to hear about the subsequent issues you had)

We actually were just talking about it the other day when I mentioned I was thinking of getting a squat machine that was designed by a person with bad knees (I have a bad right knee myself) and my mom was like "oohh wonder if I could use it" she told me she's got good mobility (she actually works part-time retail so is on her feet a lot) and she walks frequently but the squats are still a harder thing for her. She uses what she was told in PT which was to grasp onto something so she'll go into the bathroom hold onto the bathroom vanity to squat. It's not that her surgery went bad just that she doesn't feel like she can do a squat (or many of them) unaided still. For that reason when we were talking about her getting a dog we talked about not getting a high energy one or a puppy and can go at a lower tempo. She'd be fine walking with the dog just needs one more disciplined on leash training. She's still up in the air about getting a dog, going back and forth on it. She's not a cat person at all (though she takes care of our cat very well) otherwise I would have suggested that for her lol.

It sounds like you're totally go at it the right way (and FTR didn't think you were going at it the wrong way )

 

[disykat]

I had a tough time. Our family dog died and I went back to work full time (from part time for many years) the same month our youngest left for college. Like some others, things were also getting difficult with helping elderly parents. It hit me HARD - something I hadn't expected. I had done fine when our older son left. I also loved being back to work full time and was enjoying my job. However, I actually ended up on anti-depressants for a while because it was like a flip had switched and life felt really difficult! It wasn't the week he left, but just kind of over the next few months that something felt off - enough that I went to the doctor and told her I just felt numb. After a few hard losses over the last few years, I now recognize it as grief. It really was a shocking transition, which I hadn't expected at all because DH and I felt ready and we had lots of friends going through the same transition. I'm usually very matter of fact and happy overall.

You may sail through it, but also don't be surprised if it's harder than you think.

We did end up getting another dog about 6 months later, something we weren't planning on doing as empty nesters. She was such a blessing. She was a rescue and needed us desperately, so she was a bit of a project - definitely a diversion! DH and I were fine on our own, but she gave us some purpose for sure. I certainly agree getting a dog can't be taken lightly, but having a pet for a companion can be life changing. It didn't help that I worked directly across the street from the Humane Society!

 

[bakerworld]

When my eldest was graduating and getting ready go off to College I constantly was asked how I was going handle missing her. I missed her when she turned 12. I swear we had a birthday party, she took her gifts up to her room and never returned. Then I missed her, encouraged her to join us for game or movie nights. So by the time 18 rolled around, and she was moving into the dorm, she had already programmed me to living without her.

We started enjoying couple only vacations - long weekends - when our middle was 18 and proved he was adult enough to be there for our youngest. Our middle graduated HS at 19, as did our youngest. The middle did not do well in College and joined the workforce. He and our youngest left the house the same year - him off to an apartment and her off to College. For 2 years we were 'empty nesters' but life brought him home permanently, and the eldest and youngest intermently, so we haven't been empty nesters for the last 10 years and don't ever expect to be.

I understand your angst but be happy your people are healthy and productive. Find a hobby, a friend, a pet whatever and for goodness sake don't be one of those 'when am I gonna be a granny' people.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It doesn't matter who a poster is, or who an individual is IRL everyone who has never owned a pet but it looking to fill a loneliness needs to actually consider all that goes into having a pet. If you haven't been consistently walking, especially due to an injury or recent surgery how do you know you're going to be able to physically do that and have a dog on a leash that may tug at you, are you able to hike and is it even an activity you've found you enjoy, among other things. It never goes without saying even to everyone who already owns a pet, there's getting multiple pets in a household, there's getting different kinds of pets (like going from a cat to a dog or a dog to a cat), there's different stages of life we're all in and the stages of life the pet is in. No one should be above a discussion of pets and the aspects of owning one, we all benefit from the discussions (how many threads have we had from pet owners here on the DIS?) at least to me we all benefit but I suppose that can be an agree to disagree point.

And that’s why I said:

Just make sure you get the right dog for you and your unique situation. (PM me if you want help thinking that through.)

Not every dog has to be “walked”. Some are happy going out into a yard for exercise, and many yards are fenced. We have a kennel right off our basement so we can let our dog out at any time of day or night, and in any weather, etc. Once he does his business, he has the run of the rest of the yard, and is happy to chase squirrels, go in the pool with us, hang out with DH in his workshop, doze off in the sunshine, have another dog friend over to play, whatever. It’s quite a life. Naturally we take him many places, as well, but he’s smaller and not pulling us down the street, either. It’s all about getting the dog that’s right for you, which is what I said.

I’ve been giving out dog advice here since 2004. It’s not my first rodeo. @Mrs. Ciz has raised at least two living beings successfully to adulthood. Human children can be much harder than pets. So I know she has it in her. And she has an established home, and maybe even a fenced yard (or the possibility of fencing it). She’s financially stable and able to provide for the dog’s needs. I mentioned a friend of mine (similar to Mrs. Ciz) got her first dog after she was unable to have another baby. It worked out really well for her, that dog lived a great, long life, and she is now on her second dog. The knee issue is something that can be worked around, with the right dog.

There are posters here I would not/have not feel/felt that way about, and would more offer caution than a go for it. Sometimes intuition comes into play for me, and this is one of those times. No one is saying pets don’t come with responsibility, or that decisions about getting them shouldn’t be well thought through. The latter is exactly what I’m saying. (And I don’t feel we should have to spell out every.little.thing. in posts like this.) I adore dogs, and would never want to see one go into the wrong situation, at all. Dog owner education is one of my passions.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And that’s why I said:

Not every dog has to be “walked”. Some are happy going out into a yard for exercise, and many yards are fenced. We have a kennel right off our basement so we can let our dog out at any time of day or night, and in any weather, etc. Once he does his business, he has the run of the rest of the yard, and is happy to chase squirrels, go in the pool with us, hang out with DH in his workshop, doze off in the sunshine, have another dog friend over to play, whatever. It’s quite a life. Naturally we take him many places, as well, but he’s smaller and not pulling us down the street, either. It’s all about getting the dog that’s right for you, which is what I said.

I’ve been giving out dog advice here since 2004. It’s not my first rodeo. @Mrs. Ciz has raised at least two living beings successfully to adulthood. Human children can be much harder than pets. So I know she has it in her. And she has an established home, and maybe even a fenced yard (or the possibility of fencing it). She’s financially stable and able to provide for the dog’s needs. I mentioned a friend of mine (similar to Mrs. Ciz) got her first dog after she was unable to have another baby. It worked out really well for her, that dog lived a great, long life, and she is now on her second dog. The knee issue is something that can be worked around, with the right dog.

There are posters here I would not/have not feel/felt that way about, and would more offer caution than a go for it. Sometimes intuition comes into play for me, and this is one of those times. No one is saying pets don’t come with responsibility, or that decisions about getting them shouldn’t be well thought through. The latter is exactly what I’m saying. I adore dogs, and would never want to see one go into the wrong situation, at all. Dog owner education is one of my passions.

We normally don't have much issues with each other and discussing things but this is one where I feel you're taking issue with my post for a reason that at least for me was quite well intentioned and coming from a good place, it appears you don't necessarily view it the same way. If the OP feels I was out of line I'm sure I can trust they will advise me of that either on this thread or a PM. As it stands seems like things are on a track of open discussion without feeling of harsh judgement so I'll leave it at that

 

[CdnCarrie]

I think this is where its very important to maintain your friendships outside kid activities. I have a good group of girl friends I'm dependent on for socializing outside my family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We normally don't have much issues with each other and discussing things but this is one where I feel you're taking issue with my post for a reason that at least for me was quite well intentioned and coming from a good place, it appears you don't necessarily view it the same way. If the OP feels I was out of line I'm sure I can trust they will advise me of that either on this thread or a PM. As it stands seems like things are on a track of open discussion without feeling of harsh judgement so I'll leave it at that

Letting this go so as not to distract from the OP’s issue.

 

[Disneytrippin']

My DD18 and I go together like peanut butter & jelly and I’m already dreading her going away to college next year. She‘s my best friend - we laugh together, cry together, have lots & lots of fun together, respect each other and DD never takes advantage of this - rarely do I need to put my strict mom pants on. With that being said - what am I going to do when she leaves? After our intensely busy schedule due to DD’s softball schedule the last 10 years, I’m going to hit a brick wall in regards to keeping busy. I’m going to read people’s replies to this thread and take some notes for next year

OP…..I’m sorry you’ve had a rough 2021. I hope everything starts to get better for you, so 2021 ends better than it started

Take a college course. Or start a new activity. Learn something new like a skill or language. Prepare for grandkids someday. I've got 7! I am the go to babysitter and the Grandsmother.

 

[snappy]

I actually love the idea of considering of adding a pet to love. I think the research that Mrs. Ciz mentioned is a good idea, not all breeds were created equal. I also think considering fur shedding, especially if there are allergies in the household is wise. There are great books regarding breed characteristics and so much info on the internet. We have found a great pet/house sitter that has helped us the last four years. Having her help has enabled us to relax and enjoy our time away. She’s been great particularly this year when our senior pet has had medical issues and required a special diet.

Good luck!, Mrs. Ciz!

 

[neverlandsky]

It seems also with our teens they have been prepping us ahead of time due to them retreating to their rooms since 11 years old, hanging out with friends, staying home from family activities/errands, being independent, etc. Honestly we’re looking forward to becoming empty nesters. Of course we’ll miss them.

So looking forward to being spontaneous again where schedules don’t revolve around the kids, less groceries to haul in, less dinner to cook and cleanup from, less laundry, cheaper overall, can get nice furniture, we can watch what we want on TV, more me time and us time with DH. One of the reasons why we relocated from rural area back to metro is that's there's no shortage of things and activities to do. DH is in countdown mode, he said yesterday when Youngest started school, 1 more summer to go. Yep one more summer until Youngest's Senior Year and graduation.

 

[easyas123]

So looking forward to being spontaneous again where schedules don’t revolve around the kids, less groceries to haul in, less dinner to cook and cleanup from, less laundry, cheaper overall, can get nice furniture, we can watch what we want on TV,

Oh - the lower electric bill and GROCERY BILL was awesome! I don't want to brag, but I went back to buying the good butter since no one was going to put 4 T on their frozen waffles every morning. It's amazing, I open the bread drawer and there is still bread left! And that half of a bag of chips you saw in there 2 days ago????It's still there!
Don't even get me started on the ice cream surviving more that 24 hours. And every time I open the fridge the OJ container isn't empty.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I understand your angst but be happy your people are healthy and productive. Find a hobby, a friend, a pet whatever and for goodness sake don't be one of those 'when am I gonna be a granny' people.

That last line had me laughing and also saying, “uh oh!” I know myself pretty well, and I totally have the potential become a “when am I gonna become a granny” person. I keep thinking that when my kids are finally happily married and settled down that my anxiety about their happiness and their futures will magically disappear. Ha! Knowing me, I’d probably find something else to worry about. Hopefully this too shall pass with time. I’m working on it!!!

 

[DVCkidsMOM]

I totally agree with you; a dog is definitely a commitment not to be taken lightly. That’s why I’m still in the “exploring” phase. We’ve had cats for the last 30 years. But cats are less work than dogs. Right now I’m researching breeds and reputable breeders, figuring out vet costs, grooming costs, boarding/pet sitting costs, obedience class costs, fencing/invisible fence costs and putting money in the budget to cover those things. I also have some more healing to do before I can get a dog. I want to be able to keep up with it when we walk or hike and not get knocked over!

JMHO - there's nothing like rescuing a from a shelter or rescue organization - you KNOW that you've made that dog's life and it is such a good feeling.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I'm an older mom (will be mid 50s when last one graduates HS) and majority of my friends are empty nesters.
Actually I'm excited about the idea. We never had family help so there were no couple only trips. It will be nice to travel and not worry about a pack of people.
And the house will be cleaner and other expenses much lower. And as much as I love it now I'm getting tired of spending so many evenings at kid activities. (one kid plays multiple sports)
It will be a huge adjustment but I can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow now.

 

[DVCkidsMOM]

I am equal parts grateful for and terrified of this thread. I thought I had dealt with Empty Nest when I went from full-time homeschooling both children to half-time homeschooling only 1, so I got a part-time job. It turned into full-time while everyone graduated HS and the eldest college. Now I'm looking at reverting to part-time due to health issues with parents and needing to take better care of myself physically and emotionally - and within the next year, both children will graduate with their highest intended degree and move across the country and the family dog will leave us soon too. I'm struggling just thinking about being a "real" empty-nester. So...
I am in counseling, I am nurturing friendships and marriage, and I'm searching for my identity since I'm no longer a big-whig volunteer and I'm soon to be not full-time. I lived half my life pleasing parents then the vast majority of the other half being "mom." I'm not sure what the answer is; but I think Mrs. Ciz is on the right track and is NOT ALONE.
For me, I think it's about identifying and nurturing "who am I" in addition to "who are we," since DH and I are older and soon to be semi-retired and empty-nesters. Stunningly, my introverted DH is quietly struggling possibly more than I. I see all the things we need to do to clean up years of accumulated clutter and prepare the house to sell for our retirement as active distractions, but I don't think he sees it that way. I hope WDW gets its act together (APs, FPs, shows etc.) so that we can distract ourselves there too...

 

[disykat]

I'm glad people are talking about the very real change that this transition can bring for many of us. I was happy and proud that the kids were moving forward, DH and I looked forward to the time alone together, I didn't even shed tears when we moved them because I was so excited for them, but it was STILL extremely difficult in a slow burn "my life is very different" kind of way. I thought it would be a quick transition, but it was surprisingly a slow change over time. DH and I still look at each other sometimes surprised about what our lives look like now.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

To all going thru this kind of anxiety, get professional help. These issues to not go away by them self and can build until major damage is done. After my open heart surgery I tried to bury the anxiety and a little over a year later had a melt down. Luckily my employer and family guided me to get help. Thank the heavens they did. Please, do not put it off, the longer you wait the worse it will get.

I am equal parts grateful for and terrified of this thread. I thought I had dealt with Empty Nest when I went from full-time homeschooling both children to half-time homeschooling only 1, so I got a part-time job. It turned into full-time while everyone graduated HS and the eldest college. Now I'm looking at reverting to part-time due to health issues with parents and needing to take better care of myself physically and emotionally - and within the next year, both children will graduate with their highest intended degree and move across the country and the family dog will leave us soon too. I'm struggling just thinking about being a "real" empty-nester. So...
I am in counseling, I am nurturing friendships and marriage, and I'm searching for my identity since I'm no longer a big-whig volunteer and I'm soon to be not full-time. I lived half my life pleasing parents then the vast majority of the other half being "mom." I'm not sure what the answer is; but I think Mrs. Ciz is on the right track and is NOT ALONE.
For me, I think it's about identifying and nurturing "who am I" in addition to "who are we," since DH and I are older and soon to be semi-retired and empty-nesters. Stunningly, my introverted DH is quietly struggling possibly more than I. I see all the things we need to do to clean up years of accumulated clutter and prepare the house to sell for our retirement as active distractions, but I don't think he sees it that way. I hope WDW gets its act together (APs, FPs, shows etc.) so that we can distract ourselves there too...

Counseling is on my radar too. I’m trying to deal with it on my own with the help of my GP. She prescribed Trazodone last year to help with sleep (the double knee replacement and subsequent surgeries completely destroyed my sleep cycle), and it also helps with anxiety by calming my mind when I can’t get my thoughts to shut off. If I can’t kick this anxiety on my own in the next few months, I will start counseling.

 

[Shoshannah]

Mrs. Cis, I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this!

I knew being an empty nester was going to be hard, but it's been extremely hard for me. Both my daughters basically moved out a few weeks apart two years ago (not purposefully, but job timing and such). Time has helped me to stop crying at any and everything. We all were very close and did everything together! I didn't realize how much they had become my best friends so it was hard from always having at least one of them doing things with me to nobody. (I do have my husband but he doesn't like going anywhere or doing things.) Plus at the same time, I went from working full-time to barely working...thankfully I am at least working part-time again.

My key advice is to let yourself grieve. We're expected to be a constant nurturer for 18 years and then suddenly expected to be totally hands off. I equate it like someone going through a divorce that they don't want, but they still see the person sometimes. I was really taken by surprise that I was really mad at first. I'm not a person that gets angry easily, but for at least a month especially when I would see them, I would be just so angry. Not really mad at anything in particular, but just would feel anger. I didn't understand until I realized that is a step in the grieving process.

My pets have helped, dog and two cats! (My daughter rescued a cat and then left it at our house.) But then one my cats got cancer...so that was another stressful situation for months and then more heartache. So think long and hard about all the ups and downs with a dog. (But, I almost always think animals are great.)

If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me. I know a lot of my friends don't understand. They either have their kids still at home or they are happy they are gone. I'm glad I raised strong independent women, but still, it is hard!