How do other parents of an Autistic child explain their behavior in public settings?

[M&M]

My autistic son is a high functioning, wonderful, loving, caring, child and big brother. He can appear to not have a disability, however, there are times in public settings where you can tell that he has an issue. Do you explain it to on lookers? If so, do you have a catchy phase or remark? What do others do? My Dh and I just smile and keep going on with our daily lives--we are blessed that he is as well as he is. What do others do?

 

[Brightsy]

My son is 3 1/2 yrs. w/ high functioning Autism. How I respond to others really depends on the situation.
Some folks here may remember a rant I went awhile back w/ a RUDE lady at a grocery store. She basically accused me of bad parenting and I kinda went off on her about Autism and invisble disabilities and how people should think before they speak.
Usually if anyone makes a comment I just say "He's autistic." And leave it at that. I don't go 'round wearing a t-shirt that says "My kids Autistic" but I don't hide it.
If someone makes an ignorant comment I use it, usually, as an oppurtunity to educate them about ASD and related disorders.
If someone is especially rude I USUALLY ignore them.
I don't just casually bandy about my sons issues unless there's a reason to.
Like when we were on vacation a week or so ago. At the hotel room my son decided to have a grade A-1 meltdown. I kept waiting for someone to come to my room thinking I was abusing my kid!
The next morning I went to get some donuts and coffeefrom the "continental b-fast" and my next door neighbor, as t'were, was also coming out.
She asked if my kid was ok, and I said "yeah, just a tantrum." She said "Some tantrum, that childs got a future as PE Coach with yells like that!" I just laughed and left it at that.

Sara

 

[MommytoMJM]

I also will tell people that MJ is autistic if it is just an in passing thing that needs to be explained. Often they will stop us an ask about her and her pins, etc.... so we get into a convo about her and I tell them all about her. I often have to explain her behavior because it affects others (she is hypersocial, very speech delayed [ppl will aks her name of her and I will have to tell therm she can't talk and why, etc....], sometimes violent) All of these affect others.

 

[JenJen]

It is very hard when the child is high funtioning because you get accused of "being a bad parent" a lot. I really don't care much what people say so I just give them a dirty look if they really rude. When we are out at the parks We are there to have fun not educate people so we normally just ignore the ignorant person making the rude comments. It seems my daughter has perfect timing when someone is rude and does a nice high pitch scream!!! (Good girl LOL)

 

[Nik's Mom]

I think about this alot. My 6 yr old is high functioning. When he is acting out, some people might glare at us and think he's a spoiled brat. But other times, people just stare at him because they can tell something is wrong. Either way, I hate it when he is stared at! I have had to tell people that he is autistic because they keep trying to get him to talk. Especially older people. They will just speak their mind and tell him he's being rude by not talking to them. Then I have to explain about his condition. It's hard.

 

[M&M]

From your comments, we are all doing the same things. I sometimes don't feel like explaining to everyone our situation. At times, my son (7yr) is very social, and can attempt to start a conversation but can't fully explain what he is trying to say. Again, I say we are blessed because I can understand what he trying to get at, and I then tell him the correct way to say it. KEEP BEING THE GREAT PARENTS THAT YOU ALL ARE!!!!!!!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Although my own child is not autistic my ds help me in our church nursery with a little boy who is. His parents NEVER say anything to anyone. I know at first it was a complete denial on their part. It got so bad parents didnt even want to leave their kids in the nursery with him. Lately we had one visitor and I wanted to explain to them why he was having his meltdown, why we were just leaving him alone by himself etc. well unfortunately that parent didnt come back either. I wish these parents would say something, not all the time, but when it is needed to be explained. Not only that, I really feel bad as they hardly even verbalize to the child to try to get him to speak, they do have an older unaffected son. We try to talk to him and are so happy when he gives us a yes or no shake of the head etc. Sometimes he might even say a word to two. I do respect his parents wishes and have never said anything to them personally, but I just think it would make things so much easier. Bless you all and your wonderful children.

 

[Rosie]

I think a lot depends on the situation. If we are with people who we are going to see again or DS (who is 10 and has Asperger Syndrome) has hurt or offended somebody, I always apologise and explain. I also talk a lot to both my children (DD is 8 and is developing typically) in public about how we should all behave to ensure we are not upsetting others.

A couple of times DS has fought back a little too fiercely if physically attacked and other childrens' parents have admonished him too severely. I suppose I should have explained his hidden disability, but maternal instincts are very strong and I have just removed him from the situation. Once away from the scene I have explained to him that sometimes other people are better than he is at covering up for bad behaviour and thereby appear to be innocent victims- but I would never tell him to just take it.

DS has facial ticks and food phobias so I often explain his behaviour if we have to eat away from home. It seems to make everyone more comfortable and I know that DS doesn't mind me telling people. My hope for my DS in the future is that he will be able to be open about his condition and will have the means to explain why he behaves differently.

It is hard to explain - especially to some people of the older generations. My in laws don't really get - after eight years of dealing with DS and Aspergers! I think that he is a gift to our family in so many ways. I didn't really understand hidden disabilties until I had my DS and I think my life is richer because of the empathy living with a non typical person has provided.
Regards
Rosie

 

[mlwear]

I,too, just try to ignore the comments and looks. I wish my son would wear his Medic Alert bracelet again. Seemed that some people noticed it and figured out that he wasn't just being a bad kid.
There have been a few times that I have had to explain. This is usually with the impulse control issues and is often the most embarrassing for me. Examples, he has opened the "do not open or alarm will sound" door at both Blockbuster and Barnes and Noble. Blockbuster was mad. The manager was young and couldn't get it turned off and had to call the fire dept. to tell them it was a false alarm. He sometimes will take off his clothes. Go to the produce section of the grocery and take a bite out of every apple he can get his hands on. (He used to be really bad about this. I would always buy the apples. After a while we stopped going through the produce section.) Runninig behind the behind the counter at the jewelry store. They were really mad, too. I just apologize and tell them that he has autism. Not the greatest awareness campaign for autism, I must admit. Others that have children that do these sorts of things?

 

[ZIPBAGS]

It really depends on the situation...

My 7yr old DD has Apraxia...which is a form of autism. Luckily, she has made great strides and is mostly free of the symptoms. Anyway, she didn't speak a word until almost 3 1/2. She would grunt and make other similar sounding sounds. These are the 2 stories of rude people and my wife's reactions all happened before she could speak:

-My wife and DD were at my older daughters dance class. As she was sitting with my DD. A lady kept asking her name. Now, my daughter had a pacifier in her mouth..which for her was a soothing item when around other people. The lady kept asking and asking...She went over to my daughter and pulled the pacifier out of her mouth and asked her again. By then my wife noticed and was incensesed that this lady would take her pacifier out like that. She then informed the lady (in a slightly annoyed voice) that she cannot speak. The lady felt terrible and quickly gave the pacifier back. My wife wasn't annoyed that she had to tell her what was wrong...she was annoyed a stranger would go up and take a pacifier out of a child's mouth without permission.

-Another time my wife and daughter were at a supermarket. And my daughter was making her grunting noises. A lady and her son hear this. And kid AND mother make fun of the sound. Luckily, I don't think my daughter realized they were making fun of her. But, my wife was very upset.

 

[Brightsy]

To add some thoughts...
I have one of those nifty rubber Autism Awareness bracelets. i've found it makes quite the conversation starter!
My DS likes to wear one too, it's so big on his little toddler arm that he wears it around his bicep! LOL!
He wore it to his pre-k one day and i ended up giving a bracelet to all his teachers and para-profesionals on Teacher Appreciation day.
I never really go out of my way to explain my son to others unless it affects them somehow.
Shortly after I posted this morning I had to take the kiddies out on an errand and I had a small incident.
once again the grocery store didn't have sprinkle cookies and the boy decided to throw a fit about this. I ended up having to explain to the baker lady about DSs autism because she was getting a bit... short with him about his unwillingness to accept a chocolate chip cookie instead.
Well, eventually things got calm and my DS accepted a sugar cookie that another baker lady took and put some frosting on... what a nice gal!

Sara

 

[riu girl]

I agree with Rosie that sometimes INLAWS just don't get it. I am told time and time again that I need to SPANK DD and that I am too soft on her. Their school of thought is basically "there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with one of my grandchildren".

I can't leave DD alone with them, they will hit her for unusual behaviours. They travel south 6 months of the year (thank goodness). I only go over there when I ABSOLUTELY have to.
Its sad. They have no idea how to act in front of DD and they are missing out on a really special DD. They are mean to her.
I have told them all about her issues as well as giving them articles on it.
btw, they have 3 children with severe mental illness that they totally will not address. 2 of the 3 kids have even been hospitalized for extended periods of time for suicide attempts.
Sorry had to vent, but it is such a sore spot with me.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I hear you, riu girl. My in-laws don't understand autism at all. I finally found some literature in spanish (they don't speak english), and that has helped. My issue is that they can't understand how we have to plan things out for him. This is an issue with my own family too. They can't understand why we can't be spontaneous or why we won't take ds to parties unless there will be a quiet room available for ds. I think that they blame us for his behavior, rather than understanding that it's something ds can't help.

 

[mbb]

on days that I'm feeling less than kind
*raising her hand, charter member of the "bad parents" club*

"How can you let your children behave like THAT!"

We live in a VERY small town, and most people know that the boys have some interesting behaviours, or reactions to smells, or other stimuli...but when we venture beyond our borders (easpecially when they were little), we got lots of comments...
I especially loved the woman at WalMart who said she would buy my kids whatever they wanted, just to get them to be quiet...maybe she had a migraine...

 

[sherry66]

My DS (8 yr) is high functioning. I basically do the same as everyone else. Sometimes it will depend on the mood I am in.Many people don't understand autism and as parents I think we have to educate the public (and in-laws).

 

[Nik's Mom]

You know, sometimes I am guilty of looking at a child who is acting up because I'm wondering if they are autistic too. I always find comfort in talking to parents of autistic children. But I'd never go up and ask the parent if their child is autistic.

 

[lewdyan1]

I am one of those who kind of just stare back. I don't think I could ever say anything for fear of breaking down. As DS is getting older, his impulse control is getting better. We used to have a problem in the freezer section of the supermarket. Some kids like to write on the freezer door's condensation, my DS liked to lick the door.

Does anyone see the pattern, grocery stores = trouble. If we don't have a gameboy, we tend to not go in

 

[M&M]

I, too, sometimes see kids that act the same way my DS does and a wonder if they are autistic also. I kinda wish there was a way of knowing. For example, when a person is in a wheel chair, you know right away that you should make accommodations for that person. Whereas, with my son, he is blessed with being high functioning and at a glance, you can't always tell. However, he is still autistic and I too find comfort talking to parents of autistic children. I also would never go up and ask the parent if their child is autistic. I do give parents of child who appear to be a smile of comfort because I know they need that more than a stare. I kinda want to say--I know exactly how you feel and it's OK.....

 

[Katerbug]

I agree with everyone here. I don't feel compelled to explain to everyone that my son has autism. However, the times that we have told complete strangers they usually also know another child with autism and they understand the situation. We have been fortunate that we have not had a lot of run ins with rude people. DS is usually good out in public. I second the vote on the in-laws are a bigger problem than strangers. They just don't get it. They are not mean but I think that since they don't get any response when they talk to him they just give up and ignore him. They offer to take our DD and do things with them but they have quit asking to take DS. It upsets me but I figure it is their loss.

 

[MommytoMJM]

I too would never ask if another child is autistic, but if you see us about in the World (which you most likely will if you are there on a weekend) and see MJ having a meltdown, please feel free to ask away and give a kind smile or hug (I need it at that point)