How do you feel about teens locking bedroom doors?

[Sinder]

It has never been an issue, I have no idea if my kids lock their doors or not. I knock when I want to go in their room.
As far as emergencies, if getting in to their room was an issue I’d just pop the lock with a pin, or dh would kick in the door.
I’ve been leaving my kids alone overnight for years, if I trust they’d be Ok while I was not in the house I certainly trust they’d be OK behind a locked door if I’m in it.

ETA My kids have never given me a reason to think they are “up to no good” in their room. What does that mean- doing drugs? Watching porn? I can see if there is a history of bad behavior and drug use but if not why the assumption that they are doing something bad in there?

 

[EACarlson]

I don't have teenagers yet, but right now my two sons don't close their doors for any reason. The wife and I will close and lock our door for an hour or so at a time and then we unlock it and leave it open. There have been cases of the kids trying to open our door and then knocking when they found it locked. I don't have a problem if they are by themselves and want to lock the door, as long as it's not overnight.

 

[VandVsmama]

I can understand that from a PTSD point of view but I hope you can see that his reason is not rational unless he believes the kids are being abused???

Our children are not being abused. Period.

I don’t really care if you approve of our decision or not.

Also, there is no need to lock the bedroom doors because we respect the kids’ privacy and always knock and wait for permission to enter before we go into their bedroom. Perhaps the OP’s kid is locking the door because one of the parents knocks and then immediately barges in, not giving the kid enough time to finish changing clothes or whatever.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

Growing up, our doors did not have locks so it wasn't an issue. When I became a teenager, if the door was closed Mom or Dad knocked and then waited for me or my sister to say 'come in.' We had privacy in our house and the bedroom were sacrosanct.

Now, my bedroom door has a lock. I keep it locked when I'm in here, because my aunt has a bad habit of knocking and then walking right in. I hate that, can't say anything to her because it's 'her house,' so I just lock the door and say "just a second."

 

[kdonnel]

I have no idea if my kids ever locked their bedroom doors, they had the option. I don't remember a single time where their door was closed that I attempted to open it. If closed I would yell through the door what I wanted to communicate or as they got older I texted them.

Everyone slept with their doors closed so they could have been locked.

My wife and I definitely used the lock on our door. There were often things going on that the kids didn't want to see and that we didn't really want them to see either.

 

[fla4fun]

We never had any rules about locking doors as teens, and I typically only locked it while changing clothes. We kept our doors closed at night for safety reasons (in case of fire) but not locked. We have always had the type of locks that can be opened from the outside in case of emergency and the “key” on the top of the doorframe on the outside. I do remember my parents having to use the key a couple times when my sister was really young, but not after that.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm sure I locked my bedroom door growing up. I'm not even sure it was related to some sort of feeling that someone would just come in, I think I just felt some sort of added calmness, IDK how to explain it. Like my room was my sanctuary I guess.

I think some issues are because a locked door for many seems to be interpreted as "you're doing something behind that door you shouldn't" but I don't think psychologically that's why we lock doors all the time. I don't know that for the OP the issue for the husband is so much that it's a locked door it's what that locked door represents which in this case he grew up in a house without locked doors as an option, he was raised to fall in line and so that has carried forward to his own children. Locked doors in his house represent his kids disobeying, it's probably why he doesn't wait any time for a door to be opened because if you were already "in line" there's no need for you to have time before someone (in this case an authority figure) enters a room.


If the door wasn't locked the issue would still be there for the OP; someone expecting access at all times without concern to the other person. That's the bigger question than do you allow your teens to lock their doors.

 

[Colleen27]

Our kids don't have locks on their doors but we also don't come in without permission/acknowledgement if the door is closed. And none of the kids have ever asked to install a lock, so I guess that's worked out okay so far. Most of the time, all of the interior doors in our house are left open because the house is drafty and the heating system uneven so it is just more comfortable if the air can flow freely, so closed doors are a clear signal of "I want personal privacy at this specific moment" rather than a habit and we do try to respect that. None of the kids have ever given us reason to worry about what they might be doing with their alone time.

I could see my husband having your husband's stance about locked doors if any of the kids had locks, but he also doesn't just open the door after knocking out of respect for the kids' comfort levels/modesty. He doesn't want to barge in if they're changing clothes or even if they're playing Just Dance in a sports bra and shorts, as they often do during the summer, so he knocks and waits for a response before opening it.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't understand the "teens can't lock their doors" line of thinking unless your teen has already been found not to be trustworthy (in other words, substance abuse problems).

 

[mrodgers]

My wife and I definitely used the lock on our door. There were often things going on that the kids didn't want to see and that we didn't really want them to see either.

I remember hearing yelling from outside our bedroom door, "Don't go in there! You don't know what they're doing, I do!"

We were taking a nap, LOL.

 

[aprilchem]

Some of the responses on this thread have shocked me. I have three teenagers and of course they're allowed to lock their doors. They might be changing, they might be doing something personal, or they might just want to be alone, and we respect that. The lines of communication are open, and we foster body, personal, and space autonomy in our home when they want it. I can't imagine living in a home where I wasn't allowed to have privacy, where being alone automatically equated to doing something bad, or where a parent (or anyone) could just enter my space without my consent.

 

[DLgal]

No strong feelings either way. Bedroom doors in my house have those locks that you can pop open with a hair pin if needed in an emergency and every door has a key pin on the ledge above the door. So there’s really no safety issue with locked doors. If locked doors were not so easy to open then I could see it being a problem.

Not to mention, it is SUPER easy to kick in a locked bedroom door. My sister did it success at the age of 4 when me and my older sister locked ourselves in my older sister's room and wouldn't let her in to play.

If there is a real safety issue, all you need is a well placed kick and a bedroom door will splinter.

 

[DLgal]

Our secondary bedroom doors don't even have locks, probably because these are meant to be "starter homes" and the likeliest occupants are kids.

My teen boys share a room and they only even close the door when they are sleeping. They know that when they want privacy, that's what the bathroom is for. I would never tell them they aren't allowed to lock the bathroom door.

 

[bethy]

Of course teens should be able to lock their doors unless they have proven themselves to be unable to handle being alone responsibly. If so, then there are much larger problems at hand.

Most definitely not a hill I would choose to die on as a parent of teens.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not to mention, it is SUPER easy to kick in a locked bedroom door. My sister did it success at the age of 4 when me and my older sister locked ourselves in my older sister's room and wouldn't let her in to play.

If there is a real safety issue, all you need is a well placed kick and a bedroom door will splinter.

Well, not our bedroom doors (or any of our doors), solid chestnut (except a bathroom door added during an addition, solid oak).

 

[DLgal]

Well, not our bedroom doors (or any of our doors), solid chestnut (except a bathroom door added during an addition, solid oak).

The door jambs will give. Not the actual door. Sorry, should have clarified.

 

[wvjules]

Why does your husband feel the need to barge in on his children?

 

[easyas123]

I'm trying to think - honestly I can't recall if the bedroom doors had locks in the house we had when the boys were teenagers. I don't even think our current house has locks on the doors???? hmmm, I should look I guess!
Well, in any event I don't recall it being a issue and it wasn't something we had a problem with. Thinking back, I wouldn't have had a issue with it.

 

[mefordis]

I think a desire for privacy is normal. My husband thinks if they have their doors locked, they must be up to no good. I think he has forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. He will give the door a quick rap-a-tap-tap and if it isn't opened almost immediately, tries to open it himself, and then gets annoyed if he finds it locked. I tell him that if they weren't so concerned that Dad might barge in with barely two seconds' notice at any time, they might not feel such a need to lock their doors.

My husband is a really good guy and a great dad overall, but he grew up in a household in which "obedience" was paramount, and locked doors would never have been acceptable. My upbringing was almost the polar opposite. Sometimes we butt heads when it comes to parenting.

Do any of you mind when your teenager locks their bedroom door?

What does he think they're doing in there?

My girls don't have locks on their doors but we always knock and wait for a "come in". Or I just text them.

 

[Keli]

Not to mention, it is SUPER easy to kick in a locked bedroom door. My sister did it success at the age of 4 when me and my older sister locked ourselves in my older sister's room and wouldn't let her in to play.

If there is a real safety issue, all you need is a well placed kick and a bedroom door will splinter.

This totally depends on the type of bedroom doors/hardware you have on those doors. I can guarantee you a 4yr old couldn't kick in the solid wood doors and locking mechanisms in my childhood home. Most likely my dad couldn't have either although he never had a need to try.

My thoughts regarding the issue is teens should be able to lock their doors for brief periods of time, like when they are changing clothes. But they need to keep them unlocked basically all the other times, especially at night when sleeping. That said, I also feel like parents (or others living in the home) should never barge in their child's room. They should knock and the knock should be acknowledged right away, either with a 'just a minute' type comment or the door opening. And then the teen should open the door to admit their parent. That's how we always handled it with our daughter and it was a non-issue. Privacy is very important and should be respected for all people in a home, they shouldn't have to secure themselves in a room in order to have it. And because of safety issues looking interior doors for long periods of time isn't wise IMHO.