How do you feel about teens locking bedroom doors?

[Kathryn Merteuil]

As a backstory...we tend to keep all bedroom/bathroom doors closed to keep the dog out.

I think my step-daughter's boyfriend grew up in a household without locks. DH walked in to the hallway bathroom only to discover her boyfriend sitting on the toilet. a.w.k.w.a.r.d.

 

[Nox]

It's super creepy for a parent to barge into their teenager's bedroom without permission. If for no other reason than if your child is changing for example, you shouldn't be barging in there on them.

If my parents didn't respect my privacy, I'd have locked my door, too, although I never had this problem.

Your teen wants to lock the door because you've established distrust, either that you will barge in without their consent or that you've made them ashamed of what they're doing (or both). I'd be willing to bet if the immediate assumption of a locked door is "they're up to no good," that's exactly what's happened - they've been conditioned to distrust, and rightly so. (What exactly is "up to no good"? Touching themselves? That's really none of a parent's business.)

All this nonsense about "safety"... If it was about safety, why are the adults in the house allowed to lock their doors? Any safety reason that exists for why your child shouldn't lock their door, exists for you as well. Unless you tell your spouse they aren't allowed to lock their doors, either (which I'm sure you don't.) There are exceptions if you have an at-risk teen (suicidal or drug problems) or a teen with a chronic illness, but assuming your child is otherwise healthy and well-adjusted, this excuse is bunk. You don't care about safety, you care about control.

If a teenager wants to lock their door when they are in their room alone, then I see no reason they shouldn't be allowed to other than a parent who wants absolute control to be able to walk in at any moment.

ETA: Also, in case it isn't clear: while I used the word "child," I do mean teenagers, specifically. Young children should not have their doors closed, not because they are "up to no good," but because they tend to do riskier things (like climbing furniture that can fall on them) that could get them legitimately hurt.

 

[sam_gordon]

All this nonsense about "safety"... If it was about safety, why are the adults in the house allowed to lock their doors? Any safety reason that exists for why your child shouldn't lock their door, exists for you as well. Unless you tell your spouse they aren't allowed to lock their doors, either (which I'm sure you don't.) There are exceptions if you have an at-risk teen (suicidal or drug problems) or a teen with a chronic illness, but assuming your child is otherwise healthy and well-adjusted, this excuse is bunk. You don't care about safety, you care about control.

I disagree with the safety aspect also. Since we're talking teenagers, in a few short years, these kids will be (possibly) moving out to dorms or apartments. Or they're travelling in hotels. I doubt any parent would advocate leaving those doors unlocked.

I actually got in trouble a couple times in college because I slept through fire alarms. Including the RA pounding on the door.

 

[Keli]

I disagree with the safety aspect also. Since we're talking teenagers, in a few short years, these kids will be (possibly) moving out to dorms or apartments. Or they're travelling in hotels. I doubt any parent would advocate leaving those doors unlocked.

I actually got in trouble a couple times in college because I slept through fire alarms. Including the RA pounding on the door.

Your sleeping through alarms and pounding on doors is exactly why I wouldn't want my teenager to sleep with their door locked in my home. It takes a lot of precious time to wake up some folks (my daughter was one of them) if you can't touch them. I just wouldn't allow that in case of a fire.
When they are out on their own then the danger from others in the building coming into their room is greater and therefore then it makes sense to protect yourself from the thing with the most risk and lock your door even though that leaves you more vulnerable in a fire.
But having said that, the right to privacy has always had a high value for both hubby and I. We didn't let our teen sleep with a locked door but we also never walked into her room without knocking and waiting for her to answer the door or call 'come in'.

 

[GreatLakes]

I disagree with the safety aspect also. Since we're talking teenagers, in a few short years, these kids will be (possibly) moving out to dorms or apartments. Or they're travelling in hotels. I doubt any parent would advocate leaving those doors unlocked.

I actually got in trouble a couple times in college because I slept through fire alarms. Including the RA pounding on the door.

Didn't you just contradict you argument? If you couldn't lock your door anyone could have opened it and woken you up to get you out. Since it was locked no one could get to you and if it was an actual fire, as opposed to a drill, you might be dead.

That is the definition of a safety issue.

 

[design_mom]

We don't lock bedroom doors in our house and it's never really been an issue. A closed door is respected, so there's really no reason to lock. (I can only remember one of the kids having a locked bedroom door once... and I said something like "I'd prefer if you wouldn't lock it. If the door is closed I won't come in without knocking" and they said OK, and it hasn't been an issue since.)

The kids keep their doors closed a lot more than I'd like. (When I was growing up, we weren't allowed to close our doors unless we were changing.) Mine keep theirs closed almost all the time because we have a 15 year old Labrador Retriever who goes around looking for things to get into. They got used to keeping their door closed to protect their stuff, and now it's habit. I wish they kept their doors open more so I didn't have to knock/wait to ask them pretty much anything, even if they're not really doing anything that required privacy.

 

[goofytinkerbell]

I think a desire for privacy is normal. My husband thinks if they have their doors locked, they must be up to no good. I think he has forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. He will give the door a quick rap-a-tap-tap and if it isn't opened almost immediately, tries to open it himself, and then gets annoyed if he finds it locked. I tell him that if they weren't so concerned that Dad might barge in with barely two seconds' notice at any time, they might not feel such a need to lock their doors.

My husband is a really good guy and a great dad overall, but he grew up in a household in which "obedience" was paramount, and locked doors would never have been acceptable. My upbringing was almost the polar opposite. Sometimes we butt heads when it comes to parenting.

Do any of you mind when your teenager locks their bedroom door?

Our doors didn't have locks, and if they'd did my parents still wouldn't have allowed it

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

why are the adults in the house allowed to lock their doors? Any safety reason that exists for why your child shouldn't lock their door, exists for you as well.

You use the wording "allowed". Anyone was allowed to lock their doors in growing up (both my husband and I's growing up years), but there were real reasons to not, that went for everyone. Goodness my spouse and I don't need to have a silly argument over allowing him or me the other to lock our doors, we understand the risks if we do, if we're accepting of those risks we'd lock the door if we're not then we don't. Weird to turn this discussion into some marital issue.

I really take it people haven't had to deal with a real safety issue before if they are scoffing at it or "not buying it". If someone doesn't view the risk as high enough that's one thing. But another is to literally not comprehend it. Growing up there were a few times it was so freakin' scary trying to get my sister to wake up when it's 2am with a tornado on the ground. And thank the lucky stars we have not had to deal with a fire but that is a very real risk for people. Our detectors in our present home at least have an auditory "FIRE" so at least that along with the alarm will help out, they are also combo carbon monoxide ones though I grew up with a separate one at my mom's house.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’ve never lived in a house with locks on the bedroom doors.

 

[sam_gordon]

Didn't you just contradict you argument? If you couldn't lock your door anyone could have opened it and woken you up to get you out. Since it was locked no one could get to you and if it was an actual fire, as opposed to a drill, you might be dead.

That is the definition of a safety issue.

Not really. My point is we're talking about teenagers... who will shortly be out of the house on their own (hopefully). But at that point, parents will have no problem with them locking the door. The same "safety issue" is still around.

And I understand parents saying they don't want the doors locked at night. But unless a teen has given a reason to distrust them, if they accidently leave the door locked, I'm not going to get mad and punish them. And that's the way I'm reading some of these posts. Maybe I'm reading them wrong.

 

[1GoldenSun]

OP here. Well. I got a variety of responses, from locked doors being unsafe to my husband being controlling and maybe even a little creepy.

In my desire to have it confirmed that "I am right and he is wrong," I may have been a little unfair to my husband; "barging in" is a slight exaggeration.This all started to happen when my daughter built her gaming laptop when she was around 12; after that she spent a lot more time in her room with the door closed, laughing and carrying on, playing games with her friends and just "hanging out" virtually, I guess. To be honest, we weren't at all sure what she was doing, which is what bothered my husband, I think. He was afraid of her visiting inappropriate websites, playing video games that were too mature for her, etc. It wasn't really that he didn't "trust her," he just didn't trust her ability to always make wise decisions. I think a lot of what bothered him was that she was growing away from us; instead of hanging out downstairs with the family, she preferred to be upstairs in her room with the door closed. He would often knock on her door to "see what she was doing," and if she didn't say "come in" or open the door within maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he'd open the door. You could hear through the door that she was playing on her computer; she'd be talking and laughing with her friends, typing on her keyboard (she has a LOUD keyboard), so it would have been highly unlikely that she would be in a state of undress, but I still think you don't just open the door to your kid's room without their express permission. She then started locking her door, which of course made my husband even more concerned.

My daughter and I talked about it, and for her it was just that she wanted the feeling of privacy, the knowledge that no one was going to suddenly come in upon her. I completely understand that because I am the same way. It's kind of a "cocoon-ish" feeling, and it's really hard to describe to people who don't have this need. Like how extraverted people have a hard time understanding introverted people's need to get away alone and "recharge," the feeling of psychological safety some people get from knowing they are shut off from the world is hard to explain to people who like open doors. My husband just doesn't get it because he doesn't have this need.

He hates that she spends hours in her room with the door locked, but years have gone by now and he doesn't really bother to knock on her door anymore, he just texts her if he needs her. But he still grumbles about it occasionally. I know that it's something that he regrets allowing to develop into normalcy.

Our son just turned 14 and he is different from his sister in that doesn't seem to have that need for solitude, but he also built a gaming computer last year with his sister's help and has followed in her footsteps of now spending many hours in his room on this computer, and my husband absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to let what happened to our daughter (basically her spending almost all of her time away from us in her room) to happen to our son. But our son usually doesn't even close his door, much less lock it. It will sometimes be closed though, and this bothers my husband, and he WILL barge right in then, but again, we can always hear our son talking and playing games with his friends (virtually) so we can assume he's dressed and not up to anything private. My husband said the other day that he doesn't want to let this get out of control like it did with our daughter, that he doesn't want to see our son start locking his door. I disagreed and we had a slight argument, which is what motivated me to post this. I feel that if my husband continues to barge in on our son the few times he does close his door, then it's going to drive him to start not only closing it but locking it, and my husband feels that he there's no need for our son to close his door at all.

 

[ronandannette]

OP here. Well. I got a variety of responses, from locked doors being unsafe to my husband being controlling and maybe even a little creepy.

In my desire to have it confirmed that "I am right and he is wrong," I may have been a little unfair to my husband; "barging in" is a slight exaggeration.This all started to happen when my daughter built her gaming laptop when she was around 12; after that she spent a lot more time in her room with the door closed, laughing and carrying on, playing games with her friends and just "hanging out" virtually, I guess. To be honest, we weren't at all sure what she was doing, which is what bothered my husband, I think. He was afraid of her visiting inappropriate websites, playing video games that were too mature for her, etc. It wasn't really that he didn't "trust her," he just didn't trust her ability to always make wise decisions. I think a lot of what bothered him was that she was growing away from us; instead of hanging out downstairs with the family, she preferred to be upstairs in her room with the door closed. He would often knock on her door to "see what she was doing," and if she didn't say "come in" or open the door within maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he'd open the door. You could hear through the door that she was playing on her computer; she'd be talking and laughing with her friends, typing on her keyboard (she has a LOUD keyboard), so it would have been highly unlikely that she would be in a state of undress, but I still think you don't just open the door to your kid's room without their express permission. She then started locking her door, which of course made my husband even more concerned.

My daughter and I talked about it, and for her it was just that she wanted the feeling of privacy, the knowledge that no one was going to suddenly come in upon her. I completely understand that because I am the same way. It's kind of a "cocoon-ish" feeling, and it's really hard to describe to people who don't have this need. Like how extraverted people have a hard time understanding introverted people's need to get away alone and "recharge," the feeling of psychological safety some people get from knowing they are shut off from the world is hard to explain to people who like open doors. My husband just doesn't get it because he doesn't have this need.

He hates that she spends hours in her room with the door locked, but years have gone by now and he doesn't really bother to knock on her door anymore, he just texts her if he needs her. But he still grumbles about it occasionally. I know that it's something that he regrets allowing to develop into normalcy.

Our son just turned 14 and he is different from his sister in that doesn't seem to have that need for solitude, but he also built a gaming computer last year with his sister's help and has followed in her footsteps of now spending many hours in his room on this computer, and my husband absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to let what happened to our daughter (basically her spending almost all of her time away from us in her room) to happen to our son. But our son usually doesn't even close his door, much less lock it. It will sometimes be closed though, and this bothers my husband, and he WILL barge right in then, but again, we can always hear our son talking and playing games with his friends (virtually) so we can assume he's dressed and not up to anything private. My husband said the other day that he doesn't want to let this get out of control like it did with our daughter, that he doesn't want to see our son start locking his door. I disagreed and we had a slight argument, which is what motivated me to post this. I feel that if my husband continues to barge in on our son the few times he does close his door, then it's going to drive him to start not only closing it but locking it, and my husband feels that he there's no need for our son to close his door at all.

OK, well, this reframes the entire discussion - locked doors/privacy (pro or con) isn't really the issue. It's the idea of teens completely isolating themselves (again for good or bad reasons), which changes the whole dynamic of family life. There's definitely a difference between the "normal" need for teens to begin disengaging from their parents and enjoying their own pursuits to the pattern of separating themselves to the point that their entire lives are lived outside the companionship of the rest of the family. A typical weeknight evening where the kids are already in their rooms by the time Mom and Dad get home, only come out briefly to eat then go right back in, doesn't allow enough "face time" with each other in just sharing the day-to-day.

I feel for you - this struggle is real. Our DS did the same and by the time we realized how entrenched the behavior was, we really couldn't figure out a way to turn it around. We lost years of comfortable, casual intimacy and felt like we were living with a stranger. It wasn't the family life we wanted by far, and no good came of it for any of us. We "know" him better now at 25 than we did at 16. I wish better for you and yours.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP here. Well. I got a variety of responses, from locked doors being unsafe to my husband being controlling and maybe even a little creepy.

In my desire to have it confirmed that "I am right and he is wrong," I may have been a little unfair to my husband; "barging in" is a slight exaggeration.This all started to happen when my daughter built her gaming laptop when she was around 12; after that she spent a lot more time in her room with the door closed, laughing and carrying on, playing games with her friends and just "hanging out" virtually, I guess. To be honest, we weren't at all sure what she was doing, which is what bothered my husband, I think. He was afraid of her visiting inappropriate websites, playing video games that were too mature for her, etc. It wasn't really that he didn't "trust her," he just didn't trust her ability to always make wise decisions. I think a lot of what bothered him was that she was growing away from us; instead of hanging out downstairs with the family, she preferred to be upstairs in her room with the door closed. He would often knock on her door to "see what she was doing," and if she didn't say "come in" or open the door within maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he'd open the door. You could hear through the door that she was playing on her computer; she'd be talking and laughing with her friends, typing on her keyboard (she has a LOUD keyboard), so it would have been highly unlikely that she would be in a state of undress, but I still think you don't just open the door to your kid's room without their express permission. She then started locking her door, which of course made my husband even more concerned.

My daughter and I talked about it, and for her it was just that she wanted the feeling of privacy, the knowledge that no one was going to suddenly come in upon her. I completely understand that because I am the same way. It's kind of a "cocoon-ish" feeling, and it's really hard to describe to people who don't have this need. Like how extraverted people have a hard time understanding introverted people's need to get away alone and "recharge," the feeling of psychological safety some people get from knowing they are shut off from the world is hard to explain to people who like open doors. My husband just doesn't get it because he doesn't have this need.

He hates that she spends hours in her room with the door locked, but years have gone by now and he doesn't really bother to knock on her door anymore, he just texts her if he needs her. But he still grumbles about it occasionally. I know that it's something that he regrets allowing to develop into normalcy.

Our son just turned 14 and he is different from his sister in that doesn't seem to have that need for solitude, but he also built a gaming computer last year with his sister's help and has followed in her footsteps of now spending many hours in his room on this computer, and my husband absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to let what happened to our daughter (basically her spending almost all of her time away from us in her room) to happen to our son. But our son usually doesn't even close his door, much less lock it. It will sometimes be closed though, and this bothers my husband, and he WILL barge right in then, but again, we can always hear our son talking and playing games with his friends (virtually) so we can assume he's dressed and not up to anything private. My husband said the other day that he doesn't want to let this get out of control like it did with our daughter, that he doesn't want to see our son start locking his door. I disagreed and we had a slight argument, which is what motivated me to post this. I feel that if my husband continues to barge in on our son the few times he does close his door, then it's going to drive him to start not only closing it but locking it, and my husband feels that he there's no need for our son to close his door at all.

I appreciate the follow up but TBH I'm not sure this is really about your daughter at all or your son and what their hobbies are or were or what they do behind the doors and now your husband feels left out of the smiles and laughter. Yes it's understandable to feel like there's little to no bonding going on but this doesn't appear to feel like a lamenting of that.

I tend to think in many cases posters post their true feelings or true perspective on initial comments, sometimes details are omitted that completely change things but there's usually still some or largely truth to an underlying issue that was presented in the initial post.

Maybe in your desire to make it known you feel you're more right in this topic than your husband you may have been a little unfair but I don't think you disclosed that your husband "grew up in a household in which "obedience" was paramount, and locked doors would never have been acceptable." for no reason. I think many of us posters are still more right on the money that this is largely about control. Maybe it's less authoritarian control compared to what was first posted about but even in your above follow up comment you said your husband doesn't want to let it get out of control like with your daughter. Perhaps he's not malicious or creepy about the control but none the less the way he appears to have grown up is parents are the authority figure and by gone it it's my way or the highway. A closed door, whether it's locked or not, appears to be an issue with your husband.

In this case I still stand by my original closing commentary "someone expecting access at all times without concern to the other person. That's the bigger question than do you allow your teens to lock their doors."

I do think you have a much more reasonable outlook on your children's personal lives.

 

[mjkacmom]

I appreciate the follow up but TBH I'm not sure this is really about your daughter at all or your son and what their hobbies are or were or what they do behind the doors and now your husband feels left out of the smiles and laughter. Yes it's understandable to feel like there's little to no bonding going on but this doesn't appear to feel like a lamenting of that.

I tend to think in many cases posters post their true feelings or true perspective on initial comments, sometimes details are omitted that completely change things but there's usually still some or largely truth to an underlying issue that was presented in the initial post.

Maybe in your desire to make it known you feel you're more right in this topic than your husband you may have been a little unfair but I don't think you disclosed that your husband "grew up in a household in which "obedience" was paramount, and locked doors would never have been acceptable." for no reason. I think many of us posters are still more right on the money that this is largely about control. Maybe it's less authoritarian control compared to what was first posted about but even in your above follow up comment you said your husband doesn't want to let it get out of control like with your daughter. Perhaps he's not malicious or creepy about the control but none the less the way he appears to have grown up is parents are the authority figure and by gone it it's my way or the highway. A closed door, whether it's locked or not, appears to be an issue with your husband.

In this case I still stand by my original closing commentary "someone expecting access at all times without concern to the other person. That's the bigger question than do you allow your teens to lock their doors."

I do think you have a much more reasonable outlook on your children's personal lives.

As a parent of 5 young adults, this is normal at that age, to different extents. They come back as adults. I missed them when they spent so much time in their rooms or out with friends, but that’s what happens, I did the same and ended up having a very close relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As a parent of 5 young adults, this is normal at that age, to different extents. They come back as adults. I missed them when they spent so much time in their rooms or out with friends, but that’s what happens, I did the same and ended up having a very close relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives.

I never said it wasn't normal are you sure you didn't mean to quote the OP?

 

[Southernmiss]

Cooking and eating family meals together, game nights, movies, sporting events on TV and in person, projects at home and activities outside the home always reconnect our family of introverts who love time in their rooms.

Maybe op and her husband can do more of these which will draw the kids back out of their rooms.

 

[ronandannette]

Cooking and eating family meals together, game nights, movies, sporting events on TV and in person, projects at home and activities outside the home always reconnect our family of introverts who love time in their rooms.

Maybe op and her husband can do more of these which will draw the kids back out of their rooms.

I think these are good ideas. I'll probably get roasted for this but I also think participation in these things must be "mandatory" for kids if they resist and parents need to be completely committed with their own time and energy too. Especially if you're trying to "course correct" a family life that's gotten out of balance, it's easy for people to want to stay in whatever comfort zone they've settled into. Pushing past it can be a bit of a struggle and I greatly regret we didn't fully get there when our own DS was a teen.

 

[ashley0139]

OP here. Well. I got a variety of responses, from locked doors being unsafe to my husband being controlling and maybe even a little creepy.

In my desire to have it confirmed that "I am right and he is wrong," I may have been a little unfair to my husband; "barging in" is a slight exaggeration.This all started to happen when my daughter built her gaming laptop when she was around 12; after that she spent a lot more time in her room with the door closed, laughing and carrying on, playing games with her friends and just "hanging out" virtually, I guess. To be honest, we weren't at all sure what she was doing, which is what bothered my husband, I think. He was afraid of her visiting inappropriate websites, playing video games that were too mature for her, etc. It wasn't really that he didn't "trust her," he just didn't trust her ability to always make wise decisions. I think a lot of what bothered him was that she was growing away from us; instead of hanging out downstairs with the family, she preferred to be upstairs in her room with the door closed. He would often knock on her door to "see what she was doing," and if she didn't say "come in" or open the door within maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he'd open the door. You could hear through the door that she was playing on her computer; she'd be talking and laughing with her friends, typing on her keyboard (she has a LOUD keyboard), so it would have been highly unlikely that she would be in a state of undress, but I still think you don't just open the door to your kid's room without their express permission. She then started locking her door, which of course made my husband even more concerned.

My daughter and I talked about it, and for her it was just that she wanted the feeling of privacy, the knowledge that no one was going to suddenly come in upon her. I completely understand that because I am the same way. It's kind of a "cocoon-ish" feeling, and it's really hard to describe to people who don't have this need. Like how extraverted people have a hard time understanding introverted people's need to get away alone and "recharge," the feeling of psychological safety some people get from knowing they are shut off from the world is hard to explain to people who like open doors. My husband just doesn't get it because he doesn't have this need.

He hates that she spends hours in her room with the door locked, but years have gone by now and he doesn't really bother to knock on her door anymore, he just texts her if he needs her. But he still grumbles about it occasionally. I know that it's something that he regrets allowing to develop into normalcy.

Our son just turned 14 and he is different from his sister in that doesn't seem to have that need for solitude, but he also built a gaming computer last year with his sister's help and has followed in her footsteps of now spending many hours in his room on this computer, and my husband absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to let what happened to our daughter (basically her spending almost all of her time away from us in her room) to happen to our son. But our son usually doesn't even close his door, much less lock it. It will sometimes be closed though, and this bothers my husband, and he WILL barge right in then, but again, we can always hear our son talking and playing games with his friends (virtually) so we can assume he's dressed and not up to anything private. My husband said the other day that he doesn't want to let this get out of control like it did with our daughter, that he doesn't want to see our son start locking his door. I disagreed and we had a slight argument, which is what motivated me to post this. I feel that if my husband continues to barge in on our son the few times he does close his door, then it's going to drive him to start not only closing it but locking it, and my husband feels that he there's no need for our son to close his door at all.

Well this is...not about a locked door at all.

 

[ashley0139]

I think these are good ideas. I'll probably get roasted for this but I also think participation in these things must be "mandatory" for kids if they resist and parents need to be completely committed with their own time and energy too. Especially if you're trying to "course correct" a family life that's gotten out of balance, it's easy for people to want to stay in whatever comfort zone they've settled into. Pushing past it can be a bit of a struggle and I greatly regret we didn't fully get there when our own DS was a teen.

Yes, these were never a question for me or my brother to attend. I was happy to do family things, my brother was more reluctant, but family dinner every night was absolutely expected along with vacations and other events.

 

[1GoldenSun]

Huh...I think some of you are right; it's not really about a locked door. Well, it's about more than just a locked door.