How to handle this? Relative needing help (long)

[luvsJack]

When you say the courts have been told, is this in a family court proceeding regarding the children, or in court proceedings regarding her legal issues? Has there even been a family court proceeding involving your nieces, proceedings where they have a court appointed guardian ad litem to review their situation and advocate solely for them? Doesn't sound like there has been to me. I'm speaking from the perspective of a family court proceeding of abuse and neglect, a very different animal from anything arising out of criminal proceedings.

Yes, it was all discussed in the custody hearing when bil was alive and got custody and again when bil died and mil got custody. Her record is what gave mil custody. See, here is the thing, she has never actually neglected these children. Their basic needs are taken care of, they are not ignored, she does love them maybe in her own way or at least she likes to act like she does. She just cannot put their needs above her wants. Remember, I said she blows in and out of their lives. They may go 3-6 months without hearing from her and then its every day and then it tapers off or she gets mad or something and they don't hear from her for awhile. Its only when she is doing better that she comes and gets them, never when she is on drugs. When she is on one of her benders, she calls them but she doesn't come around them. Of course her calls are guilt trips and bad mouthing their dad or begging them for money so not the loving mommy type calls.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I am pretty sure that there are no courts involved with Neice and her son. I'm almost positive that this is a "casual" arrangement. Neice was 17 when she had her son, and the father was even younger, if I remember correctly. Neither parent had any real chance at a good life (meaning middle-class suburban, although the definition of "good" is absolutely subjective), and neither have ever financially or otherwise taken care of the boy as a "full-time" parent. The child knows his father, and I think he sees him but I'm not sure how often. There is no custody or child-support agreement in place that I know about, although I'm not 100% sure about that as I know the child is on medicaid and "someone" gets food stamps for him. I know he gets free lunch because my kids were making their lunches last Sunday night and she mentioned that he eats breakfast and lunch at school every day for free. I don't know about my state (never been in either situation) and how they work with child-support or public aid, but in Michigan, in order to apply for welfare, a single mother must provide as much information as possible on the bio father so the state can make sure he is on the hook for child support. I know this because when neice lived with us previously, she asked for my help with filling out the paperwork for this.

At any rate, while I agree that legal custody is important for the safety and welfare of the boy, I unfortunately will not be pursuing it any farther. He is taken care of as best as possible for his situation, and while I fear for his teen years and would never even let my kids visit the area in which he lives, I am not in a position to take on the fight of making sure the i's are dotted and T's crossed. He is not in danger or living in squalor, and the obstacles he will face as he gets older are the same as a million other inner-city kids.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, it would be for the best if the aunt had some kind of legal custody even if only partial but I can understand your stance on it too.

 

[Lisaloo]

Wow. Your husband cares very little (if at all) for you. You have two choices: accept this crappy situation or leave.

 

[Nettester]

I'm glad your husband finally saw the light. I could NOT live in that chaotic environment with her in my home. If I were you , I would have packed a bag and left, and checked into a nice peaceful, clean resort hotel. Kids they could come with me or stay. Given some time to have to cook and clean after her himself, DH would probably kick her out himself and made amends with you. If not, I'd be apartment searching for myself asap.