How to say no when someone does not hear me the traditional way

[theluckyrabbit]

... no is a complete sentence I need to remember that

This. You said no and she refused to hear you. That's her problem, not yours. I agree with the pp that this is a boundaries issue.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

In the words of Polonius, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan doth oft lose both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

 

[Wendy1985]

In the words of Polonius, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan doth oft lose both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.”

it is not a loan I don’t expect her to pay me back to me this is no different then helping someone out who needs food or other things I take for granted

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

it is not a loan I don’t expect her to pay me back to me this is no different then helping someone out who needs food or other things I take for granted

From this it sounds as though you feel under a self imposed obligation to help your friend, so perhaps, he/she hears that you are saying no but knows that you don’t actually mean no. Even to me, an objective outsider, it appears that you don’t mean no.

 

[Wendy1985]

From this it sounds as though you feel under a self imposed obligation to help your friend, so perhaps, he/she hears that you are saying no but knows that you don’t actually mean no. Even to me, an objective outsider, it appears that you don’t mean no.

I agree she hears what you hear I don’t know how to say where my mind is with out breaking the religion rule

basically non Christians even help there friends it takes a Christian to help a Enemy

and that is what is thrown in my face but it took a recent therapy season for me to realize no one is cut out to do everything meaning if I can’t do something I can refer to someone who can

so it’s a inability to help my anxiety won’t let me help

Example I don’t teach yoga I don’t have the flexibility to nor the patience so I refer someone looking for yoga to a yoga instructor

my style for ability and patience is cardio

 

[stsomewhere]

It is okay to put yourself and feelings first. You are under no obligation to help her. If she is stressing you out and you anxiety, you need to cut her out of your life or set some boundaries. You need to make sure that you are happy and healthy. Remember on an airplane, they always say your put the mask on, before helping others.

 

[LuvOrlando]

What are you being asked to help with?

 

[Sinder]

I could tell you what I would say but if you are asking for advice you probably aren't the kind of person who would say it to her anyway.

Don't say anything that leaves her thinking she has a chance.
Don't say "please don't ask, or "sorry no" or "not today", etc.
Just say "No and don't ask me again". If she does then ignore her.

 

[Wendy1985]

What are you being asked to help with?

She want me to post pictures and prices on her business page I did it in the past

if she were the type of person that understands that life happens to the best of us I would not have a problem doing it for her again

I told her I was very sick by sick I mean some one who’s temp was 101.5 for most adults that is not high but I had strep once with out getting to a 100 so I told her I was sick and to stop sending me work she did not hear me

 

[DLgal]

She want me to post pictures and prices on her business page I did it in the past

if she were the type of person that understands that life happens to the best of us I would not have a problem doing it for her again

I told her I was very sick by sick I mean some one who’s temp was 101.5 for most adults that is not high but I had strep once with out getting to a 100 so I told her I was sick and to stop sending me work she did not hear me

Did she pay you for this work? If not, I'd let her know what your hourly rate is for this kind of work and ask her if she'd like to sign a contract for you to do the work? I'm guessing she will stop asking.

 

[Cheburashka]

I told her I am booked every day I will update you guys

ETA I got a response she wants me to do it at night I told her I go to bed early

It's usually best not to give an excuse, as that just bolsters the entitlement perspective that they have a right to either an excuse or you doing what they want. Just keep saying "I'm sorry, but I can't do that."

 

[Skywalker]

It may feel kinder to soften the "no", but it really isn't. You wind up kind of stringing the person along, giving them hope. If the answer is no then just rip off that band-aid. "No I won't be able to help with that anymore. Thats my final answer and it's not going to change. Good luck in finding someone else. So, seen any good movies lately? "
Done

 

[SharonZ]

The answer is no, please stop asking.

 

[LuvOrlando]

She want me to post pictures and prices on her business page I did it in the past

if she were the type of person that understands that life happens to the best of us I would not have a problem doing it for her again

I told her I was very sick by sick I mean some one who’s temp was 101.5 for most adults that is not high but I had strep once with out getting to a 100 so I told her I was sick and to stop sending me work she did not hear me

I get it, this person isn't grateful and you feel compassion because they are on a downward spiral as you go up, so you're conflicted.

Is this person a relative? Is there some entanglement that makes it difficult to be more assertive? Sometimes the risk of alienating a person is too great, I get this too.

This is tough, since you did it before. It might be passive aggressive but I would propose a lecture intensive boring lesson and make this person learn. If you make it tedious enough they will not bother you anymore and might even find paying someone else more enjoyable. It might take more time up but chances are you'll end the requests. In my experience, people HATE lectures to learn things, instead they do LOVE to make their problem someone else's problem, throw a stick in it and you're golden

 

[Wendy1985]

Did she pay you for this work? If not, I'd let her know what your hourly rate is for this kind of work and ask her if she'd like to sign a contract for you to do the work? I'm guessing she will stop asking.

she said she would never saw a penny

thanks for the heads up I was trying to soften the blow I did not string her along on purpose

 

[Wendy1985]

I get it, this person isn't grateful and you feel compassion because they are on a downward spiral as you go up, so you're conflicted.

Is this person a relative? Is there some entanglement that makes it difficult to be more assertive? Sometimes the risk of alienating a person is too great, I get this too.

This is tough, since you did it before. It might be passive aggressive but I would propose a lecture intensive boring lesson and make this person learn. If you make it tedious enough they will not bother you anymore and might even find paying someone else more enjoyable. It might take more time up but chances are you'll end the requests. In my experience, people HATE lectures to learn things, instead they do LOVE to make their problem someone else's problem, throw a stick in it and you're golden

not related

 

[LuvOrlando]

not related

Still the same, or you could do what everyone in my family does when they don't want to do a thing.
1) Say yes
2) Then drag your feet so long with excuse after excuse and hope it goes away or the person forgets
3) Then when you are confronted and forced to do it screw it up so much the person will regret asking you

This works with non family too

 

[Travel60]

"I can't help with that."

"That's not going to happen."

"No."

As for your feeling that you should help with money or other things, the best help is education......If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

Make a list of free resources that might be able to help the person and hand it to them the next time they ask.

 

[rajak73]

The answer is no, please stop asking.

And if they ask again: I'm sorry, I said no before, what part of no did you not understand? The N or the O?

 

[disneychrista]

I think your heart is in the right place. But I’m a firm believer is “handouts do not help” and giving someone a hand up not a handout.