Husband Mama Drama!

[dawn1620]

My MIL has out of the blue stated she no longer wants to have me anywhere in her life, doesn't want to speak to me, have me over to her house, ect. Just a note about MIL, extreme and out of the blue hissy fits with no reasoning behind them are her norm.

Now this has been a long time coming, MIL and I have never gotten along, like mixing oil and water. She is a control freak, has always tried to meddle in our relationship which DH put a stop to years ago. She frequently also tends to forget that she is DD's grandmother and not her mother (does not recognize boundaries of any sort). She has never really liked me from day one anyway, I was the total opposite of what she wanted her son to marry. I rarely even talk to the woman anymore except when necessary but have always kept it polite. I don't get involved in her relationship with DH, that is between them and I have never tried to keep her from seeing DD. DH tries to limit the time he interacts with her also. But besides me, she has also cut off DH and our daughter. DH and she are still speaking so he told her whenever she is ready to see her GD then the door is always open and left it at that.

I told DH I was getting off the crazy train and just don't feel like hearing any of the drama anymore. We are slowly putting more walls up which is the only way to really get along with her in any fashion these days. She used to pick up DD from school twice a week to spend time with her and announced she will not be doing that any longer. We have been planning on hiring a college student to take those days over from her anyway, DD doesn't enjoy spending a lot of time with her these days. She has pulled similar stunts before but this is the most extreme. We just ignore most of her drama and don't react to it which is what we think she is looking for.


My question is - have any of you ever cut yourself off or been cut off from a close relative like this? My heart is not breaking by any means but I will be curious to see how she behaves if we happen to run into her at church, ect. The whole thing is just nuts.

 

[TaraPA]

Yes. We cut off DH's mother about 3 years ago & it has been DRAMA FREE. Yes, DRAMA FREE. It's been the best 3 years of my life. I have had no more weekly middle-of-the-night phone calls to come over that she was having a panic attack or thought she heard something outside (and she lived 45 min away), no more holidays or birthdays that turned into "pity me" parties for her, no more nasty comments about me being a bad parent.

DH does take her calls but that's between them. DH knows not to cross the boundaries we set up as far as her coming here or having contact with the kids (not that's she even truied in 3 years - how sad is that?!?!) She has no contact with my kids & they never have asked about her in 3 years (she wasn't grandma-of-the-year up til then anyway).

Do you think your MIL might be looking to start drama by doing this - she's looking for some reaction from you, wants you to come begging for her to come back in her life? If that's how its always been, maybe she likes the chase and thinks she "wins" whem you go running back. Turn the tables, shut the door & don't look back! It's the best thing we ever did for the sanity of our family.

 

[Nola Girl]

FIL has one sister. Out of the blue her daughters cut DH,BIL,SIL and me out of their lives. They initially said I was too controlling and I could be the only one cut out but thankfully my FIL, BIL and DH realized they were just PLUM NUTS. I believe it all stemmed from jealously over fertility issues. One of the daughters was desperately trying to get pregnant at the time and I was a newlywed and got pregnant within 15 minutes. I had no clue however she was even trying. She said she hated kids! Anyway, it has been a tremendous source of pain for FIL as this is his only family. I find even though I honestly believe these people deserve to burn in hell, I take the high road and remain open and positive. When the subject comes up I always say I am open to inviting over, open to spending time, open to a phone call. They won't do it. I am not sure what is wrong with them, to be filled with so much hate? My father passed away suddenly and they did not even acknowledge his death. Who does that?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have no trouble at all with the reality of cutting toxic people out of my life...

But, the 'running into her a church' thing.... sends up a million ringing bells and red flags.

How is church involved????

 

[cabanafrau]

I'll reserve judgment on how out of the blue and how one-sided the behaviors are based on the information given. In particular my ears perked up when you mentioned she picked up your DD after school two days a week to spend time with her & now you are looking to hire a college student to cover that. Is it 100-percent your MIL wanted to spend time with her GD, or was she not in fact helping you out two days a week? If so, doesn't sound like it was very appreciated.

Maybe there's a different perspective on the situation.

 

[TaraPA]

I have no trouble at all with the reality of cutting toxic people out of my life...

But, the 'running into her a church' thing.... sends up a million ringing bells and red flags.

How is church involved????

I love your word "toxic." Only OP knows the details that led up to this, but if it's toxic to your family, end it now.

I took the church thing to mean what if they ran into each other in passing at church (or the grocery store, the movies, etc) - how is she supposed to act? Ignore them, be civil, walk away, etc. My in-laws moved to FL soon after we cut them off so we have no chance of seeing them. Ever. And that makes me do the happy dance

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My SD did this almost 2 years ago now. She told us that she we were never allowed to speak to her or her DD ever again. Put it in writing. Told us how we never did anything for her. That our DD (also her half-sister) was a complete brat and needed to learn to respect her elders. The minute she brought my DD into it, gloves were off. Told DH that if he wanted a relationship in the future it was up to him but DD and myself were out of it.

SD is toxic. We have done so much for her and I'm the working spouse. DH is disabled and brings in a very small disability pension. I have purchased her 3 cars (yes - 3), paid her cell phone bill for 4 years, paid her rent many months and have let her and her DD live with us for free for months and months and months. She drove my car for almost a year when her last one died and I refused to buy her another. We took her and her kid to WDW (twice) and DCL (once) but I never did anything for her. Yep, nothing. DSD was 31 when she put those fateful words into writing.

It's been a peaceful 2 years. Since then though, she has reached out through her friends that she wants her father to call her and that she misses him. Too bad, so sad. DH laughs and just says "she has my cell phone number. She can call and her first words better start with "I'm sorry"."

As for the part of my DD, sometimes I wonder where she came from because she is so good. Conferences consist of teachers telling us how wonderful she is, how helpful to the teachers and other students, etc. etc. etc. Not quite sure why she needs to learn how to respect her elders.

 

[eliza61]

.

My question is - have any of you ever cut yourself off or been cut off from a close relative like this? My heart is not breaking by any means but I will be curious to see how she behaves if we happen to run into her at church, ect. The whole thing is just nuts.

Yep and it was wonderful.

As you said, once you decide to get off the crazy train life gets so much less stressful.

I wonder if she'll do what my SIL did. My brothers 2nd wife is boycotting my family because we are still friendly with his 1st wife. We've tried to explain that 1) she is the mother of my neice and nephew so I'm going to have contact with her and 2) she grew up in our building so I've know her all my life.
Anyhoo she got mad because truthfully no one noticed the boycott.
whenever I spoke with my brother I always asked about her and he gave pretty routine answers but nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway I finally spoke with her over the holidays and she apologized for not coming to my dh's funeral to which I said honestly, "I didn't even notice you weren't there".

That didn't go over too well.

 

[dawn1620]

We attend the same church so we are bound to run into her from time to time, I'm just curious to how she will react to seeing me and if we can keep it polite (I will anyway).

She did pick up DD from school twice a week and kept her for about an hour until DH or I picked her up. DD used to go to an afterschool program twice a week, she had friends in it with her and enjoyed it. The idea for her to start picking up DD was her idea to start out with, we never approached her with it. She said she wanted to spend the time with DD. We have always thanked her and told her how much we appreciated her doing it. And we never expected her to "have" to help out and told her as much so she would not feel obligated to. We have always expressed our gratitude that she wanted to do it, even offered to pay her since we would have to do that for the afterschool care anyway. The reason we have been toying with the idea to get another sitter is because DD doesn't enjoy spending so much time with her anymore and wanted to change things herself. Plus, we are hoping that it will make things a bit easier on all of us. This has happened before, she has gotten miffed at us about somthing and she just cuts off everything including the pick up days...this has happened a couple of times and it was always a scramble to make last minute arrangements to pick DD up on those days. We just think this would be the best arrangement for everyone.

I want her to have a good relationship with DD, and with DH if possible. I'm just tired of all the emotional eruptions and all the drama that goes with them. We would all love a peaceful relationship with her but unless we let her rule our lives it won't ever happen. The whole cutting off thing will be a permanent arrangement between MIL and myself I'm sure. But I don't want that for DD or DH if at all possible, I"ve always stayed out of her relationship with DH and have never tried to keep her from DD unless there was a good reason behind it.

 

[TaraPA]

I'm just curious to how she will react to seeing me and if we can keep it polite (I will anyway).

Always take the high road & be civil & polite. Worst case, ignore her. Trust me, others will see that she is the whack-a-doodle here. I had people approach me after MIL's mother's (DH's grandmother's) funeral to ask why she put on such a show for a mother she openly said she hated & wished was dead. I mean theatrics & sobbing & throwing herself on the ground acts to get attention. I just ignored it all & didn't feed into it, and came out looking like the polite, quiet, SANE DIL! LOL!!

 

[chris1gill]

I found myself in a similar position many years ago only it was my mother who was causing the absolute chaos. I tried everything to get the crazy to stop, but she was too manipulative, too controlling. I have to say that eventually when I let go it was the best day of my life. We've not spoken in many years and I have no plans to ever speak to her.

It's a difficult process but a toxic relationship is not one you nor your child should be involved in.

 

[dawn1620]

I've never been that fond of her for numerous reasons and vice versa. Over the last 16 years there has been endless advice/critisism on what we were doing wrong, better ways to raise our child, we have been called bad parents, incompetent in so many ways, we are scarring DD in so many ways that DD will turn into a mental case, ect. Always sticking her nose where it does not belong, steamrolling over any boundaries, meddling, manipulating any way possible to get her way, tries to control everyone and everything. There have been backhanded compliments, feelings hurt and getting offended because we did not follow her advice on...well anything, the list goes on. Numerous times in the past I have tried to speak to her one on one about things but that was like putting gas on a fire. Even when I tried to keep it civil and non confrontational as possible it would turn into a complete mess - DH has tried also but it's like talking to a brick wall. So we learned to ignore after many years of trying to get her to understand she needs to back off. There will always been friction between us and we have never been able to really get along, for the most part have just tolerated each other, been polite when we had to be together, ect and I have been fine with that - no worries. I just want her and DD to have a good relationship because this is her only grandchild. I"m fine with not being part of their family gatherings if it keeps the peace with her but I'm afraid after 16 years if we have not been able to find a common ground then we never will. I just want peace in the family, just wish it wasn't so hard.

 

[castleview]

I have no trouble at all with the reality of cutting toxic people out of my life...

But, the 'running into her a church' thing.... sends up a million ringing bells and red flags.

How is church involved????

The bolded are words to live by. We had to do that with a relative. It's been ten years at least and now we've seen each other a few times and that's enough. You need to put your family first. While it may suck, it will be a load off your shoulders when it comes to holidays, weekends and the like. This is nothing more than a temper tantrum and an attempt at control by your MIL.

As for church, well you can change when you go or where you go if it matters that much to you.

 

[TaraPA]

There was another thread like this last year & someone posted something very very true about blood being thicker than water but it doesn't mean you get to be walked all over, controlled, manipulated, etc. If anyone rememebers that post please put it here!

As far as running into her while out, as long as you just ignore her drama towards you (hard, I know) eventually it will only be uncomfortable for HER.

 

[castleview]

OP, to quote a viral video my kids showed me:

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

 

[brookmey]

I had to cut my brother and one of my sisters out of my life about 5 years ago. It was such a relief to do that and I have not regretted it one bit. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. We rarely see each other but when we do I just keep it polite and cordial and try to stay away from them.

My siblings are never going to change and they don't see how hurtful and damaging their words and actions are, so our relationship will stay the way it is. They brought my kids into our issues and like another PP said, the gloves are off when they go after my kids. Yes my siblings are my family, but my kids and husband come first. Doesn't matter who they are, I won't tolerate anyone in my life who attacks my kids in an attempt to hurt me.

 

[bedogged]

I'll reserve judgment on how out of the blue and how one-sided the behaviors are based on the information given. In particular my ears perked up when you mentioned she picked up your DD after school two days a week to spend time with her & now you are looking to hire a college student to cover that. Is it 100-percent your MIL wanted to spend time with her GD, or was she not in fact helping you out two days a week? If so, doesn't sound like it was very appreciated.

Maybe there's a different perspective on the situation.

I agree with this. I wonder what grandma's side of the story is?

 

[CdnCarrie]

:e then though, she has reached out through her friends that she wants her father to call her and that she misses him. Too bad, so sad. DH laughs and just says "she has my cell phone number. She can call and her first words better start with "I'm sorry"."

His daughter said that she missed him and wanted to hear from him and he laughted? Wow apple doesn't fall far from the tree it sounds like.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

His daughter said that she missed him and wanted to hear from him and he laughed? Wow apple doesn't fall far from the tree it sounds like.

I thought this too. Maybe she doesn't want to call his cell phone for fear of rejection or who will answer. She's his child and feeling as though she was abandoned. Whether it's true or NOT, this is most likely how she is feeling (no matter what the age).

 

[TLSnell1981]

I grew up in a family with Mom and Grandmother battling for control. We had too many family gatherings, that Mom refused to attend. I was determined, that my children would not experience that heartache..regardless. Some relationships will never be what we want, but I learned to set boundaries...for myself. I can't control others, but I can control myself.