Husband Mama Drama!

[Lucky4me]

I had to cut some ties with my sil otherwise I would have lost my mind.
She is all kinds of crazy, but only those closest to her know it.

My husband deals with her because she is his sister and he has some of the same traits she does and doesn't understand my problem with her. Other in laws feel the same I do and have done the same thing. Not cut things off altogether, but put limitations on time spent around her.

My daughter has broken away from her, but still talks to her now and then. I did have to let sil know if I found out she spoke negatively to dd about me, she would be cut off from her.

I try to only see and talk to her at weddings, funerals and maybe one holiday a year. I am polite and talk about the weather. When she starts in with the passive aggressive insults of me and my family, I end the conversation. Sometimes abruptly.

There is no doubt she hates the fact I have taken control of our relationship by backing off. She used to come over every weekend, call me every other day and we spent every holiday together. Now, dh calls her once a week and she has learned to not bring up my name if she wants to keep the conversation going.
She is a wolf in sheeps clothing and I'm so glad I figured it out when I did.

 

[ZachnElli]

So it's not just us?! DH's mom cut us off about a month ago now. She's also not speaking to one of DH's sisters and 1 of his uncles that I know of. She routinely "bans" people from her life. She is got an untreated mental illness, but don't bring it up! That's immediate banishment! I'm done, I can't do it anymore. DH and I have been married for over 20 years and we've been supplementing his parents income for at least 10 of those years and we never give enough, apparently. The well has run dry, our own DD has been battling something and has been hospitalized several times and I need to take care of her, all her medical bills and my other kids, I'm just done. She called me and my DH names I can't post on the dis boards, who does that to their own kids? DH has done so much for years, it's time to pass the buck to his 3 siblings, he agrees, so far. I've told him I'm seriously done if she comes calling again and I don't want our kids around her poison, my DD heard her call me names and told my oldest DS and they don't want to be around her now anyway. It's really sad that people can be so cruel to their own kids.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just want her and DD to have a good relationship because this is her only grandchild. I"m fine with not being part of their family gatherings if it keeps the peace with her but I'm afraid after 16 years if we have not been able to find a common ground then we never will. I just want peace in the family, just wish it wasn't so hard.

If there is no peace... is this really what you are wishing on your daughter???? Sorry, but this woman IS the way she is... And, that will always hold true for her relationship with your daughter as well.

Perhaps you need to be careful what you wish for.

Your daughter WILL become her next 'target' to critisize, manipulate, and control.
There will be no personal boundaries for your daughter, as you can attest.

And, yes, the church thing is a huge, huge, huge, red flag.
My guess (no need to say right or wrong, or give any info) is that you are in a church where family and religion and control are all wrapped up, each one with each other. To leave family or the church would mean defying religion and risking your eternal life. Like I said... the minute the word 'church' was written into your post, it all became VERY complicated.

OP, nobody here can give you any specific answers that are right in your personal situation. But, IMHO, you don't cut off ties with toxicity, only to have to confront it at least once a week at church. Even if you were successful at avoiding her, most of the time... everybody there knows everybody and you WILL be the subject of gossip, drama, judgement, etc...

I hope that you can come to a decision, situation, that is right for you and your daughter.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I thought this too. Maybe she doesn't want to call his cell phone for fear of rejection or who will answer. She's his child and feeling as though she was abandoned. Whether it's true or NOT, this is most likely how she is feeling (no matter what the age).

Nope... not seeing it...
Did you guys read the entire post....
This woman was never abandoned...
Do you call free cars, vacations, etc... on and on... 'abandoned'.
She is the one who took off, wrote a letter saying, you never did/gave me enough, and never speak to me again..."

Sounds like she is back fishing for more goodies.

There comes a time when one has to quit engaging and enabling personalities like this, and let them go.

While the word 'laughed' may not have come off just right in this persons post.... I see absolutely NO reason to question for flame. None at all.

PS: I personally KNOW a relative who did abandon their first daughter... A situation similar to what the OP describes. remarried and then raised a child of their own. He DID abandon his first child. His second child's half sister. Never looked back... the man died thinking that it was HER and her mothers fault. (and I have seen no indication that this girl was toxic, or a 'taker'.)

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

His daughter said that she missed him and wanted to hear from him and he laughted? Wow apple doesn't fall far from the tree it sounds like.

Huge back story that I didn't care to post on the Dis. She likes to come in and out of our lives when it's convenient to her and that's usually when her bank account is on zero.
And all 4 of her sisters want nothing to do with her either and have cut her out of their lives. Not every family is Leave it to Beaver.

 

[deserrai]

I say count your blessings that you don't have to deal with her and move on. Unnecessary family drama is just another source of stress.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Huge back story that I didn't care to post on the Dis. She likes to come in and out of our lives when it's convenient to her and that's usually when her bank account is on zero.
And all 4 of her sisters want nothing to do with her either and have cut her out of their lives. Not every family is Leave it to Beaver.

Doesn't cost anything to talk to your child. he can still say no while on the phone with her. I could never cut my child out of my life. Ever.

 

[disykat]

I agree with this. I wonder what grandma's side of the story is?

I'm sure grandma liked to think she was helping, but the OP explained pretty clearly how it was actually an inconvenience and why. Grandma asked to watch her, now grandma doesn't want to watch her. OP has gone along with grandma's wishes both ways. I can't see how anyone can fault the OP there!

 

[JusbKoz]

Yes... We have cut off my MIL.... Somewhat. MIL Is welcomed to call anytime she wants and talk to our girls but she doesn't.
I have it good because we have always lived more than 3 hrs away from her and now we live 10 hrs away and even though we have asked her to come and visit she hasn't bother.
My MIL hasn't and will never like any of her DIL and she has 4 boys and only two are currently married because she keeps running off the other DIL's and I am not kidding here. She is about to succeed in breaking up another one of her sons marriage. She proclaims to everyone that she controls her family and only her! And if it the last thing she does she will break up my SIL and BIL marriage.
I deleted her from my Facebook because she would post very rude and hurtful things to her DIL's. Then after deleting her from Facebook she threaten me on Facebook which my SIL called and told me... That was it for my husband. So they didn't talk for about 3 months and I told him he had to call her on Christmas which he did but she only talked to him and not even our kids. She could care less about her grand kids and she shows no love or emotion towards them. She has no contact and refuse to even call them her grand kids if they were from a EX DIL she hated.

 

[castleview]

I grew up in a family with Mom and Grandmother battling for control. We had too many family gatherings, that Mom refused to attend. I was determined, that my children would not experience that heartache..regardless. Some relationships will never be what we want, but I learned to set boundaries...for myself. I can't control others, but I can control myself.

That would be me. Grew up in a dysfunctional family and I just don't have time for it anymore. Already wasted enough.

 

[quentina]

OP- I am full of envy....you have no idea what I would do to get this message in my home.

 

[Tigerlulu]

I have been cut off my by dad. All stems from brothers custody battle I wouldn't get involved in. Apparently my desire to support my niece was an insult? Don't know. I do know that it was fine for months and one day he called me at work screaming at me about it and that was it. Almost 2 years ago. I have always walked on eggshells around him and SM b/c they favor my niece but I wanted to protect my kids relationships with them. But seriously--we went to WDW a few years ago together and they seriously would buy 2 ice creams: one with one spoon for my niece and one with 3 spoons for my kids.

Incredibly long story short, I miss them so much but life is so much more peaceful without the drama. I don't have to soothe hurt feelings or make excuses anymore--or hide my own hurt feelings b/c I always knew if pressed on it they would drop us like a sack of burning trash.

And as much as I love and miss them, I am DONE. The peace I have comes from knowing I protected the relationship as best as I could for years. They walked away from me and haven't come back. 2 years later it still hurts tremendously but I simply cannot do anything. The few times I thought my dad was finally reaching out (through a text here and there) I have always reached back. And gotten burned again.

So now I don't reach back. I have no idea how to fix it but its a terrible position to be in.

 

[Tigerlulu]

I thought this too. Maybe she doesn't want to call his cell phone for fear of rejection or who will answer. She's his child and feeling as though she was abandoned. Whether it's true or NOT, this is most likely how she is feeling (no matter what the age).

I agree. A parent should be the mature one and love their irritating kiddos unconditionally. I am in a bad spot with my father (it really is a ridiculous story) but most of my life I have had to be the more mature one. It's a very sad and hurtful position to be in as a child (of any age) with a parent who can't see past his own ego. Get over it. Call her. Tell her you love her. If she's a brat, handle it. You're still her father. You make her feel loved regardless. He can reach out and love her without catering to her brattiness.

 

[disneydee6]

Doesn't cost anything to talk to your child. he can still say no while on the phone with her. I could never cut my child out of my life. Ever.

I respectfully disagree. There are so many circumstances in which you are given no choice but to cut them from your life. This thread had been about cutting toxic people from your life. They manipulate, lie, hissyfit, and theatric their way to a point where the stress of having them in your life is too much.

It sounds like, from Eeyoresthebest post, that her SD has found new ways to manipulate her dramatics by telling others that 'oooh I miss my dad that won't talk to me. tell him that for me, will you?' She has his number, she can tell him herself. But shes choosing to be dramatic by bringing others into the drama, trying to get others to join the pity party. And the family is well aware of the dramatics to the point its laughable.

Unfortunately, my family has had to cut someone out of our lives due to drug use. My uncle is a VERY giving man, even donated his kidney out of the good of his heart. He has three sons, one of which is a heroin addict. After doing EVERYTHING in his power to help him, he had to kick him out, and eventually get a restraining order when he got into a fight with his brother. My Uncle tried everything to help him. Just like many people tried their hardest to get along or put up with toxic people in your life. Sometimes, you need to let these people go so you can be free from the hurt and toxicity.


And OP, I broke up with a boyfriend recently bc of his crazy mother. At least your hubby understands that her dramatics are NUTTY. My BF didn't always seem to think so. I had never met her, yet I wasn't allowed in her house. Clearly she isn't manipulative or controlling. I say you will probably be happy cutting her out, drama free and happy, thats the way to be.

All I'm saying is that there are so many instances where you can't control the people around you (and sometimes that can be YOUR OWN KID) and you have to make the best decision for your sanity, and cut out the crazy. It doesn't make you a bad parent, or bad DIL, or bad brother, or WHATEVER! It makes you human. Its human to want to have a healthy, drama free life.

 

[Squidgyness]

There are always conditions, some people need far more than others to make them stop bothering, some people need far less, but at some point it just becomes too much. You cannot presume to predict things like this.

I've stopped bothering with my grandmother. After she got terminally ill, we all rallied around, secured health services, visited every day in shifts, despite her previous actions. in return we were told that we had never loved her, and so and so's family loved her more, and other unspeakable things and as far as I'm concerned that was it. The things she said just made me snap and say no more. I couldnt take what she was doing to my father and his siblings. I'm not even bothering anymore, I've come to realise that some people just don't change, no matter how much you want to. You can call that pessimism, I call it realism. I feel pity to be sure, but not really much love any more. I've tried to rationalise it, thinking maybe its the illness but from all accounts and my personal experiences its just the way she is, and this latest illness is just bringing her true character out once again.

Definition of insanity in familial relations, doing the exact same thing and expecting different results every time.

And as my father and his siblings can attest from forty plus years of mental abuse, unstable domestic situations, and constant crazy antics from her, interacting with a toxic family member costs something every time, you lose something from that relationship and yourself often. I've only known her for just over a decade really and in that time I've given up. I can't imagine the mental reserves it took for my father to keep reaching out after more than double that time, but I respect him for standing up and saying no more, I will not be trodden down, far more than I would if he just kept trying "because she's family".

Two way street.

 

[mamasuf]

My sister hasn't spoken to me in almost 13 years over something ridiculous. She somehow thinks that holding a grudge is a admirable thing. Over that time, I have continued to include her in celebrations, etc. but she just ignored me. Didn't invite me to my only niece's wedding last year. That really hurt.

I know there's three sides to every story but she also hates my mom, her MIL and her daughter doesn't speak to her in-laws. I heard they didn't even show up at the wedding. I can't help but think that karma's a *****.

It's come to a head recently since my mom's been sick and she refuses to help out at all. Didn't even contact my mom after major surgery - not even a phone call. I've spent all this time trying to understand my part in all of it and how someone can live their life in such a negative state. I'm driving myself crazy and starting to become really angry and resentful myself which is not my nature but it's really hard to "take the high road" sometimes.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I respectfully disagree. There are so many circumstances in which you are given no choice but to cut them from your life.

All I'm saying is that there are so many instances where you can't control the people around you (and sometimes that can be YOUR OWN KID) and you have to make the best decision for your sanity, and cut out the crazy. It doesn't make you a bad parent, or bad DIL, or bad brother, or WHATEVER! It makes you human. Its human to want to have a healthy, drama free life.

Repectfully disagree. And yes it does make you a bad parent. A parent's love is unconditional. You may need to set boundaries but I would never ever cut off my child. They are a part of me. If there is crazy I would make it my life work to get them the help they need not abandon them. My child is not a DIL or a sibling. It's my child. Not the same thing at all.

ETA - I may say to a child that I do not like that you did x,y or z. Or that I don't trust you and therefore I need to set these conditions/boundaries. But I would also repeat over and over that I still love them and want to be part of their lives. And that I'm there to help them. Never on God's green earth would I refuse to call my child or take a call from them. I may politely end the call if they are being abusive or manipulative. But they would always know they can call me.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I agree. A parent should be the mature one and love their irritating kiddos unconditionally. I am in a bad spot with my father (it really is a ridiculous story) but most of my life I have had to be the more mature one. It's a very sad and hurtful position to be in as a child (of any age) with a parent who can't see past his own ego. Get over it. Call her. Tell her you love her. If she's a brat, handle it. You're still her father. You make her feel loved regardless. He can reach out and love her without catering to her brattiness.

Totally agree.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why do so many Community Board people have a problem with the mother-in-law?

 

[tasha99]

My stepfather cut off all contact with his mother later in life. It was always rough between my mom and her. The day I met my new grandma, I remember sitting on the porch outside and hearing her scream at my stepdad about how he'd married a divorcee with children. I was 6, my brother was 5. They made it work for 30+ years, not getting along great, but being civil.

Then my grandma got sick and asked my parents to move in to help her. My mom wisely stayed in her own home, but my stepdad lived with her for almost a year. I guess it was miserable, and grandma was awful. I know my stepdad is one of the sweetest, most generous men I've ever known, and he left and never talked to her again.