I’m not imagining things, am I?

[DL1WDW2]

I also worry about your safety and your child so please be cautious and follow your lawyers advice .

 

[dioxide45]

Right, but how does he get a new loan registered agains the title of the property that she also owns, without her consent?

This is a question I have as well. She would have had to sign the mortgage agreement for the HE loan as the deed is in both their names. The spouse doesn't need to be a co-borrower, but a bank will need to have them sign something to release their rights should he lender need to foreclose in the event of default.

Sign no documents related to a mortgage or loan of any kind.

 

[wenrob]

This is a question I have as well. She would have had to sign the mortgage agreement for the HE loan as the deed is in both their names. The spouse doesn't need to be a co-borrower, but a bank will need to have them sign something to release their rights should he lender need to foreclose in the event of default.

Sign no documents related to a mortgage or loan of any kind.

Sign no documents of ANY kind that haven’t been gone over thoroughly by your lawyer.

 

[wenrob]

Quick reply until I have more time:

Yes he told me about the heloc, under the guise of “investing it for our future”. He knows that I don’t agree with this, but apparently the bank (a major commercial bank) is ok without my signature. No closing yet, I suppose that will tell.

Of course I’ve asked him what the heck is going on with all of this. He accused me of not trusting him (I told him, how can I trust when you won’t show me everything?).

I had a quick opportunity to speak with a lawyer today. I’m following his advice re paper work, paper trails, etc.

More when I can.
Thanks to all for comments so far!

I’m glad you got yourself to a lawyer. A $239,000 loan on a property that’s nearly paid off is insanity and certainly not a move I’d deem trustworthy. “You don’t trust me” is gaslighting 101.

 

[HeatherC]

Quick reply until I have more time:

Yes he told me about the heloc, under the guise of “investing it for our future”. He knows that I don’t agree with this, but apparently the bank (a major commercial bank) is ok without my signature. No closing yet, I suppose that will tell.

Of course I’ve asked him what the heck is going on with all of this. He accused me of not trusting him (I told him, how can I trust when you won’t show me everything?).

I had a quick opportunity to speak with a lawyer today. I’m following his advice re paper work, paper trails, etc.

More when I can.
Thanks to all for comments so far!

So sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I would go directly to the bank and put it in writing that you do not want to close on the HELOC. Maybe if they are aware that one owner is not agreeing to the terms, they may delay or stop the closing until you can work things out with a lawyer before you lose all the equity and go into debt unwillingly.

At the very least, it will provide documentation down the road that you were not onboard with this.

Best of luck to you!

 

[SpaceMan5]

I can't offer any different advice other than what has already been given.

I will say this, from the large number of responses to your question in a short amount of time you can see everyone has your back. I trust you have other close family members and friends to rely on for support but always know you have the DISboards family.

 

[cedricandsophie]

Not sure how you can a home equity loan without both of you. We just did one definitely needed both of us on the deed. But maybe in some places it works.
In our house I’m the one who handles all the money. He has no idea how to get access to our accounts except thru our financial advisor.
But I would track your accounts carefully so you can docunent any withdrawals.
You might consider hiring a forensic accountant to track the money.

 

[princesscinderella]

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I’m glad to hear you have talked to an attorney take steps to protect yourself and your son. I know others have said that he maybe he’s cheating on you, but I wonder if he has a gambling problem and has gotten in over his head and is too ashamed/afraid to admit it to himself let alone you.

 

[mousefan73]

I would do a credit check to make sure he somehow didn’t take credit cards / loans out in both of your names.

 

[barkley]

I would do a credit check to make sure he somehow didn’t take credit cards / loans out in both of your names.

or in their disabled adult child's name. it amazes me how many loan/credit card offers my disabled adult son (who has no credit history/is on a very limited income) receives on a regular basis

 

[slo]

Yes, I am incognito. sorry, but some times he reads here and he knows my regular user name.


Here are some facts:
Been married over 23 years.
2 adult kids. 1 married, 1 with disabilities and lives with us.
We *always* knew each others passwords and never hid cell phones or anything like that.
For the last year or so he started bec9 in secretive with his cell phone. At this point he comes right out and says no, you can’t see my phone. Why not? I ask. I get no answer.
He has recently starting making investments that he hasn’t fully explained to me.
In order to further fund this trading of his, he has taken out a home equity loan of $229,000 out of our house.
Current mortgage is almost paid off. Current mortgage is only his name, the house deed is in both of our names.


He’s hiding money from his salary that used to go into our shared bill paying account. All of my monthly disability goes in to that account, as well as $375 that we charge son for room and board.

He’s flying to CA alone, to check out an area of a job that he doesn’t even have yet.

If he gets that job he wants to move himself there to CA.

He’s basically distancing himself from me as much as he can without actually saying he wants a divorce.

Once he gets that $229,000. that lowers the equity in the house, half of which is mine.

The trip to CA is costing $1,000 for flights and hotel. Doesn’t include transportation to and from airports, doesn’t include how he’s going to get around out there. Plus he’s going to need to spend money on food too.

And with his hidden accounts, I really won’t know what he’s spending and on what.

ok that’s all I can say for now. Please tell me the obvious.

Wow….just wow….I’m sorry to read all that.
I know I’d be thinking the same thing as you - how can you not?!
I have nothing to suggest, I just wanted to say that I hope the obvious isn’t happening and I hope things get better. Please keep us updated. Sending DIS hugs your way

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I’m glad to hear you have talked to an attorney take steps to protect yourself and your son. I know others have said that he maybe he’s cheating on you, but I wonder if he has a gambling problem and has gotten in over his head and is too ashamed/afraid to admit it to himself let alone you.

I had thought about gambling issues too. It can be very shameful to an addict.

 

[barkley]

I had thought about gambling issues too. It can be very shameful to an addict.

this entered my mind as well. we had a local 'scandle' a handful of years ago when a VERY prominant member of the community was discovered to have gambled away his sucessful medical practice, rental properties, home and all assetts. he had managed to hide it from everyone by purposly going out of the area to secure lines of credit, heloc's...(small town, did'nt want whispers). had all the paperwork/mail go to an out of area mail drop. only came to light when (all within about a 10 day period)-

staff at practice showed up to find doors shuttered and renovations being done by a new owner,

buisness and residential renters discovered sherriff's notices of foreclosure posted on their buildings,

wife (who was a major humanitarian and financialy supported SO many charities on the down low) awoke to sherriff's notice being posted on the family home.

 

[sam_gordon]

While I think there is a lot of appropriate advice, I also think having a conversation with him should be a requirement also. "Honey, here's what I've found. Here's what I think. Can you put my mind at ease?"

I get the impression (on this thread and others) that some people are willing to give up on a relationship at the first sign of adversity instead of talking to each other and trying to work things out.

 

[wenrob]

While I think there is a lot of appropriate advice, I also think having a conversation with him should be a requirement also. "Honey, here's what I've found. Here's what I think. Can you put my mind at ease?"

I get the impression (on this thread and others) that some people are willing to give up on a relationship at the first sign of adversity instead of talking to each other and trying to work things out.

I’ve been with my DH going on 35 years. He’s my person, I’d jump in front of a bullet for him. But. Screwing me over financially? Taking away my security and my kids security? I’d probably get over him having a second family quicker than I would that. What reasonable, rational explanation could possibly be made for taking out a $239,000 second on a home that’s nearly paid for behind your spouse’s back? For me, there’s no discussion that’s going to fix that. It’s a betrayal I couldn’t get over. Add in he’s being shady about other things and I’m going to protect myself first. We’ll talk later.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

While I think there is a lot of appropriate advice, I also think having a conversation with him should be a requirement also. "Honey, here's what I've found. Here's what I think. Can you put my mind at ease?"

I get the impression (on this thread and others) that some people are willing to give up on a relationship at the first sign of adversity instead of talking to each other and trying to work things out.

Do you really think he'd tell her the truth, if he's cheating & planning his financial escape, but isn't quite ready to leave? If I were in that situation, I would be very hesitate to take my DH's word for anything. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

 

[sam_gordon]

I’ve been with my DH going on 35 years. He’s my person, I’d jump in front of a bullet for him. But. Screwing me over financially? Taking away my security and my kids security? I’d probably get over him having a second family quicker than I would that. What reasonable, rational explanation could possibly be made for taking out a $239,000 second on a home that’s nearly paid for behind your spouse’s back? For me, there’s no discussion that’s going to fix that. It’s a betrayal I couldn’t get over. Add in he’s being shady about other things and I’m going to protect myself first. We’ll talk later.

And as someone pointed out, maybe he's gotten into major gambling debt? I just think a conversation is called for. You want to pack your bags and leave, go ahead.

 

[john7994]

And as someone pointed out, maybe he's gotten into major gambling debt? I just think a conversation is called for. You want to pack your bags and leave, go ahead.

You aren’t crazy - was wondering what the actual level of communication has been - given the (presumably) heretofore one-sided nature of the finances, trips and other behaviors expressed by the OP. But, I watch shows like Dateline too …

 

[Skywalker]

And as someone pointed out, maybe he's gotten into major gambling debt? I just think a conversation is called for. You want to pack your bags and leave, go ahead.

I don't think the OP is the one that wants to pack her bags and leave, its the opposite...this dude seems to have straight up told her if he gets the job in California he is going there without her. So I mean, he isn't even being mysterious about what's going on. He's halfway out the door.

 

[wenrob]

And as someone pointed out, maybe he's gotten into major gambling debt? I just think a conversation is called for. You want to pack your bags and leave, go ahead.

Well, major gambling debt would be the same thing. It doesn’t make it any better than all the other alternatives it could be. Let’s not forget he’s being dishonest and not talking to her. As a woman who has spent two thirds of my married life raising kids, running a household and making sure the bills are getting paid my perspective is going to be considerably different than yours. It takes sheer faith to put your fate in someone else’s hands like that. To then have him do what the OP’s DH did would utterly destroy that faith. You make it sound like I’d walk over nothing. I’ve communicated with my DH for 35 years, it wouldn’t have worked if we hadn’t. You’re skipping the part where the OP’s husband stopped communicating with HER.