I'm so sick of feeling like I have to buy gifts for people I don't ever see..

[Saimaeve]

My little brother and I are sort of close. (As close you can be to someone you've not seen in 8 years) We live maybe 5-6 hours from one another but don't really make any effort to try to see one another.

We don't exchange gifts. I found a t-shirt with different video game icons in a bowl (That looked like a tube from Mario) and sent it to him randomly. I also send him random photos of Nicolas Cage without any note.

He's sent me a few books through out the years.

My parents are the same. I've not seen my mom in 4 years or so. She will sometimes send me a small gift. I bought her a copy of People of New York and sent it to her with notes I wrote in it.

Gift giving isn't a huge thing for us. It is never an obligation and rarely done for a specific holiday or birthday. If we see something the person would absolutely love, we send it.

I have a friend I'll randomly send things to. But it's always because I think she'd love it. We've seen each other twice since we met online 8 or 9 years ago. (I was a bridesmaid earlier this year) We never buy each other things on holidays or birthdays unless we want to. We didn't exchange gifts last Christmas, but she sent me an Alex and Ani bracelet when I moved to Phoenix.

It may very well be a generational/economic thing? We don't always have a lot of disposable income or room. (She moved in with her in-laws so she could save money for a house and to help care for a sister with cancer so she and her husband are living in 2 rooms) My husband and I put a lot of our dual income towards charitable giving and Disney trips and living as debt free as possible.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'd just send a Christmas card and be done with it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

On another note, please don't donate to YOUR charity in my name. It may be one I don't want to donate to for whatever reason.

I was going to comment something to that effect when the OP came back to respond and say they've asked their mother to donate to the animal shelter.

Personally speaking if you want money for a charity just ask for cash with the understanding that it will exclusively be used to donate to a charity of my choice. People do that all the time sometimes even for weddings rather than asking for wedding gifts. If I really want to donate in lieu of gifts that's fine but there are plenty of charities out there and each person may have reasons for choosing not to donate to X but instead donate to Y.

 

[kmb584]

Maybe I'm just cheap, but I don't buy holiday or birthday gifts for people that I never rarely see. I don't feel guilty about one bit either. I'd rather spend my money on gifts for those that I'm close to, see, or speak to on a regular basis.

 

[C-CMom]

For anyone wanting to read a little more about this issue, I throughly enjoyed the book "Scroogenomics". The author describes well the societal waste these "obligated" gifts create. Some possible solutions are reviewed (though frankly, the problem was not solved for me, either, but I enjoyed the book - is a fairly quick read, book is tinier that it looks in pictures!).

 

[tink1970]

I never get my brother, sil or niece anything they want (our tastes are diametrically different). So, since DN is almost 5 and loves both DL and WDW, I set up a DVA in his name. I contribute money throughout the year as well as gc I buy at Target (or Sam's ) on their bdays and before the holidays. It's like discounted cash for me. While I know some people have had issues using DVA, fortunately I haven't (knock on wood). This way he can decide where to go, when, and what he'll do and I have merely assisted. A win for all

 

[Aliceacc]

Why not just have a conversation? Say you've decided to down size, and that you won't be getting them gifts and ask them please not to get you anything either. They'll probably do a happy dance. I bet they're as sick of this as you are.

 

[ldo]

The author describes well the societal waste these "obligated" gifts create.
This was it for me. I decided it was time for no "stuff" winding up at goodwill and doing some good with that $. Most relatives were delighted. These are all people we stay in touch with and some we share Christmas with every year.

 

[Hikergirl]

We no longer exchange with brothers and sisters, and a few years ago we all decided to not exchange with the nieces and nephews. We just make it a point to get together during the holidays. We do see eachother often, if we weren't close I think making an effort to get together during holidays is much nicer than just mailing a gift.

 

[clh2]

We stopped (mutual decisions) exchanging gifts with siblings on both sides of the family. about 15 years ago. Best. Decision. Ever.

Less stress. Less money. The focus became enjoying the Christmas festivities, not a gift grab. We now limit the gifts for the nieces and nephews who are still in school and college.

 

[ronandannette]

I did it! This year, I sent an email to various family that we would be donating money to XXXXX instead of giving Christmas and birthday gifts and hoped that they would reciprocate by blessing others in lieu of gifts for us.
It was well received by all, except one, whom I didn't hear from one way or another. I feel so liberated! Wish I had done it sooner! Plus, think of all the good that extra $ can do for those less fortunate. We were to the point of exchanging gift cards and getting items that went straight to goodwill. I'd rather buy someone in Africa a bicycle and I think they would too.

LOVE this!! And for the PP upthread that mentioned not wanting to be involved in charities (s)he may not agree with, there's got to be something super-innocuous and non-controversial that could work, like say the American Red Cross or Give Kids the World or something?

OP - I think if you really want to break out of your current rut with gift-giving, you're going to have to decide to just do it this year and see what happens. Trying to get consensus amongst all the parties is unlikely, and you do not need their permission to make your own decisions. If you end up getting gifts from them still, well, thank them kindly and go on about your day. They likely won't give you one again next year.

 

[gemini2727]

I have five siblings and 17 neices and nephews. We decided a long time ago that the adults wouldn't exchange, and the kids would get an Aunts and Uncles gift. Each family puts in $10 into the "Christmas envelope" which is given to the parents to buy a gift for their own children from the rest of us. The kids age out at 25, so there is an end to it at some point. It's worked really well for us. The adults do a funny $5-limit gift swap also.

 

[abcboys]

Since this thread was posted I decided to message 1 BIL about not exchanging gifts between the adults. I told him I knew he didn't have a lot of extra money to be spending and that my sister and I haven't exchanged gifts in years.Told him to get ahold of other brother and see what he thinks. Haven't heard back from him yet. I told DH this morning I messaged his brother about not exchanging gifts. I thought it was silly. They don't even really make a point to talk to each other. He said younger brother wouldn't go for that. But he is 39 and still lives at home with his mom and dad and is pretty much a big baby so we will see.

 

[bpesch]

My side of the family and my husband's side of the family are completely different. After over 30 years of doing all the gift giving work, I finally told my husband that he is now responsible for his side of the family, all who live 1000 miles away. He's not much on gift giving so it's worked out just fine. I don't have the added burden any more and he's just fine with what he decides to do. I wish I had done that many years ago.

 

[AnnaS]

I would tell them you are not exchanging gifts anymore and you would like to stop. See what they think. They might feel the same way. Just mail out Christmas Cards. It really becomes an even exchange thing.
We exchanged/gave for many years. The nieces/nephews were young/and still in high school. We ended up stopping with the last two sets of young nieces/we stopped way before they hit high school. It was actually their mom's (my sister and sister-in-law) choice.

Even when we bought for married siblings - we would buy one gift for the household - nice bottle of wine, Yankee Candle set, etc. and their children of course.

 

[WDWNY]

I wish my family would stop exchanging gifts in general. Once everyone started making wish lists it took the fun out of it. We now basically know what we're going to get and the shopping part isn't fun.
I just bought a birthday gift for someone at works daughter. I had so much more fun buying it because I wasn't shopping from a "wish list"- I was searching for the perfect gift for her. I miss that.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

OP, I would just let everyone know that you can't do a gift exchange anymore. I would tell family it's for financial reasons. (Sounds nicer than saying I don't feel like spending money on you.) It wouldn't be lying, but no need to elaborate. Personally I feel it's more polite to come out and say so rather than to leave them wondering. A little communication goes a long way.

We all agreed on this between siblings years ago. That was after years of Pollyanna gifts among us. It was silly to try to keep coming up with ideas to give.
I stopped giving to my nieces once they were older, done college, married etc. for a few years but then my sister still gave to our other niece and I felt like a cheapskate. I only have 2 nieces and it's not a hardship to give them $30 or whatever. So I'm back to buying for them. My siblings still buy for my kids but they are teens living at home.
We stopped buying for my dh's nieces & nephews. My in laws have 12 grandchildren and it got to be too much. Even when we tried doing Pollyanna among the kids, there were always 4 or 5 who wouldn't show up and then whomever was due to receive a gift from them, would be the only ones with no gift. Not nice for a 5 yr old.
It was better to just stop.

 

[jevs]

LOVE this!! And for the PP upthread that mentioned not wanting to be involved in charities (s)he may not agree with, there's got to be something super-innocuous and non-controversial that could work, like say the American Red Cross or Give Kids the World or something?

OP - I think if you really want to break out of your current rut with gift-giving, you're going to have to decide to just do it this year and see what happens. Trying to get consensus amongst all the parties is unlikely, and you do not need their permission to make your own decisions. If you end up getting gifts from them still, well, thank them kindly and go on about your day. They likely won't give you one again next year.

Are you familiar with the Useful Gifts Netts? If not here it is. I usually buy some education related gift for the kids school teachers when I remember to do it https://www.usefulgifts.org/

OP. Just stop buying for those you aren't close to - echoing others, but they'll probably appreciate it. Spend your money (and time) on those who truly love you.

 

[ronandannette]

Are you familiar with the Useful Gifts Netts? If not here it is. I usually buy some education related gift for the kids school teachers when I remember to do it https://www.usefulgifts.org/

OP. Just stop buying for those you aren't close to - echoing others, but they'll probably appreciate it. Spend your money (and time) on those who truly love you.

Unicef is something similar. We first got into this when DS was younger; it became a "thing" for he and his friends to buy bed-nets for malaria prevention in each other's names as birthday gifts.
https://shop.unicef.ca/bed-nets-3-bed-nets
https://shop.unicef.ca/?gclid=CIm3pv2TpdACFZOEaQodmnEBAQ

 

[Nayan]

Just be honest and say you are not exchanging gifts anymore, end of story. Gifts should be just that, gifts, not something expected and if they feel hurt then that's on them not you. If they give you something, say thank you but you DO NOT have to reciprocate nor should you feel guilty.