Is it rude - what are my options?

[philharmagic fan]

First congratulations on your oldest's high school graduation! I wasn't going to comment on this but here goes. I believe hosting a celebration party and then indicating you're not going to pay for everything is not in good taste. I understand it costs more to pay for alcohol, but so be it. It's your child's graduation. And to celebrate, folks are probably going to want a glass of champagne, or a glass of wine. It would never occur to me to host a party in celebration of my child's milestone (or any party for that matter) where people are bringing graduation gifts and not pay for everything. Or to tell my parents that they can pay for their own glass of wine (or bottle of champagne or whatever). Maybe it's a regional thing, but not something we'd ever consider. Now if there's a concern that some people in your party have a drinking problem, I don't believe a cash bar is going to prevent them from drinking. A good bartender should cut them off as appropriate. Just my two cents.

My two cents - the guest of honor CAN'T drink alcohol regardless of who is paying, so not providing alcohol doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me.

 

[RoseGold]

But do you think that this being a High School Graduation with guest of honor not of drinking age that it puts a different spin on the event. I would never expect alcohol to be served at a celebration for a "minor".

Yes, I’d expect alcohol at a dinner at a nice steakhouse, even if it’s a sweet 16. I would expect to be able to buy alcohol, as adults do at nice restaurants.

If OP wants no one drinking, they need to say that. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to address this directly and expects everyone to assume they shouldn’t drink because he isn’t paying, which isn’t at all how I would interpret this. I would interpret OP as being cheap or petty.

 

[HopperFan]

Yes, I’d expect alcohol at a dinner at a nice steakhouse, even if it’s a sweet 16. I would expect to be able to buy alcohol, as adults do at nice restaurants.

If OP wants no one drinking, they need to say that. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to address this directly and expects everyone to assume they shouldn’t drink because he isn’t paying, which isn’t at all how I would interpret this. I would interpret OP as being cheap or petty.

So you would RSVP no if you were invited to a sweet 16 where there would be no alcohol?

I did not interpret that at all from the OP. I interpreted that this is a small gathering of close relatives and friends for DD high school graduation. There is a member who is a sloppy alcoholic and while DD really wants them there, they are concerned their drinking will tarnish the event. OP would like to invite everyone for dinner and non-alcoholic drinks, maybe a few bottles of wine (that wouldn't go far in refills). They are trying to figure a way to do this smoothly. I don't believe they eliminated the option for folks to purchase drinks on their own (when you pay you might slow the intake) but was asking how to present that. People who drink too much, drink excessively when it's free, I think OP does not want what comes with excess.

The answer varies by what part of the country you're from. Varies by family. May even vary by ethnic group.

I would typically expect at least wine and beer served during a celebratory meal, even for HS graduation. I wouldn't care if I had to pay or if the event was even dry. BUT I wouldn't expect a dry event.

My expectation might be different if the event was for lunch

But if the event was dry, would you RSVP no? Is it an attendance deal breaker?

 

[Lewisc]

But do you think that this being a High School Graduation with guest of honor not of drinking age that it puts a different spin on the event. I would never expect alcohol to be served at a celebration for a "minor".

And not specific to you, but I wonder reading on this thread do all these folks who insist alcohol is a must ... do they RSVP no to any event they are invited to that is dry?

The answer varies by what part of the country you're from. Varies by family. May even vary by ethnic group.

I would typically expect at least wine and beer served during a celebratory meal, even for HS graduation. I wouldn't care if I had to pay or if the event was even dry. BUT I wouldn't expect a dry event.

My expectation might be different if the event was for lunch

 

[RoseGold]

So you would RSVP no if you were invited to a sweet 16 where there would be no alcohol

That’s hard to imagine in my family LOL. Probably OP’s also. Maybe even more reason to be clear about expectations.

 

[Lilsia]

Yes, I’d expect alcohol at a dinner at a nice steakhouse, even if it’s a sweet 16. I would expect to be able to buy alcohol, as adults do at nice restaurants.

If OP wants no one drinking, they need to say that. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to address this directly and expects everyone to assume they shouldn’t drink because he isn’t paying, which isn’t at all how I would interpret this. I would interpret OP as being cheap or petty.

I see things a bit differently. Even growing up with a few relatives that had drinking problems, there was a time and place that alcohol was served. Not every get together had the adults drinking. A child's event was one of them. Even the alcoholics could abstain for 1 party when the event was for kids. I don't understand the mentality of drinking at every event or meal. Cant' you go without a drink for 1 event? We had plenty of restaurant celebrations where no one drank alcohol. In fact, that was actually more of the norm then people drinking. I can also tell you that just "talking to the problem person" doesn't always work. You are assuming that they are reasonable, and many with issues are not reasonable. It depends on their level of addiction and their personality. I find it hard to believe that grown adults can't go 1 meal without drinking and that some of you expect to have alcohol available.

 

[Bostonjetset]

I’m actually really surprised at so many responders on here saying they EXPECT alcohol to be included when they attend an event. Whilst I do think it maybe a little cheap to not include alcohol at a wedding, that is about the only occasion where it is normally expected in my view. A wedding is usually a much grander affair that often includes multiple generations of people who may rarely see each other.

I would never expect someone to pay for my alcoholic drinks at a teenager’s high school graduation party. Of course I drink very little and thus maybe have less appetite to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on alcohol for others. People who are more regular drinkers may feel hosts should always pay for their drinks but those who don’t drink or who drink sparingly could probably care less. If I host a dinner party in my home I will provide alcoholic drinks to my guests but I don’t think it’s necessary in a restaurant like in the OP’s situation. Dinner and soft drinks is more than adequate.

 

[J-Dog]

To me, the key question for the OP, which doesn't seem to be completely clear:

1) Do you not want to pay for family members to consume alcohol? OR

2) Do you not want alcohol available at the party at all?

To me and for my family dynamic, I would have no problem whatsoever to say "We're paying for food, but you have to buy alcohol yourself". No one would have an issue with that.

On the other hand, if I said "We don't want anyone drinking at this party", then I think my family would be offended and not bother coming.

 

[shortster]

OP, I feel for you. I grew up in an extended family where alcohol was served at every occasion - birthday parties, graduations, holidays, etc. When people got together to celebrate, there was booze!

Then, I married into a family where dry events were the norm. No wine at holiday dinners, no beer at cookouts...I even attended some dry weddings on that side. (a dry wedding would have been SHOCKING to my family or origin)

After experiencing both "cultures", I feel strongly that there is no right or wrong answer as to whether this event should include alcohol or be dry. I know from experience that you can have a lovely time regardless.

If it were me, I'd probably either do a dry event, or put very specific parameters on what was served. I like your idea of having a couple of bottles of wine for the table to share, and then have the staff discreetly limit guests to non-alcoholic beverages if they ask for anything else.

 

[Emae2009]

I think it is completely acceptable to say you are paying for food only. I think just be clear that you are covering food and non alcoholic beverages only. If they have a problem with that it is silly.

 

[lockets]

OP you generated some great conversation! What did you decide to do?

 

[eandt]

Anyone who has a family member that is an alcoholic understands this situation and how it can completely ruin an event. The amount of anxiety that you get planning an event with these people is indescribable. Even to the point where you don't even want to have these events because of what can happen. Nobody needs to drink alcohol and this being a celebration for a minor, it is more then reasonable for everyone to abstain for 1 stinking meal

I didn't see where alcoholism was mentioned up to this point but sure if there is an alcoholic among the guests then why even ask the question about not wanting it to turn into an open bar and paying for drinks?

 

[eandt]

You are right, it is never said this person might make a scene. I am making an assumption based on the way it has been discussed and that it is a sensitive topic. I could be wrong.

But I also don’t get the sense it is strictly financial. It seems that OP is trying to limit alcohol while still having some available for responsible drinkers. Some people are more likely to over-imbibe when it’s on someone else’s dime, but not as much when they’re paying for it themselves. It is a tricky position to be in and it seems they are trying to be good a good host and make it special for the daughter.

Got it. I make the assumption that this question was mostly financial based on this from the OP ..... "We don’t mins if they drink, we just don’t want to open it up to an ‘all you can drink cause it’s on their dime’ kind of affair."

I get how expensive drinks (and everything else) are at a Disney restaurant. It is just my opinion that if it were my event I would pay the bill for my guests. I also am the type that if I felt my hospitality was being taken advantage of I would have no issue with calling out the guest personally and shutting the gluttonous offender off.

 

[Lilsia]

I didn't see where alcoholism was mentioned up to this point but sure if there is an alcoholic among the guests then why even ask the question about not wanting it to turn into an open bar and paying for drinks?

It very much seemed that the "problem" person was most likely and alcoholic and could not control themselves. The OP has not said anything to the contrary as I assume they would when it was brought up if it were not true. And you don't think that other people should be able to drink just because there is one person with a problem? The issue is so much more complicated then that. And anyone who has been in that situation completely understands the nuances to it. This is not a "I don't want to be cheap" type of situation, like you seem to think, otherwise the OP would have just decided to buy a few bottles of wine for the table.

 

[bbeagle]

"No Host Bar" is the traditional way to phrase that--it means we are hosting dinner, there is a bar but we are not hosting that! it's been the phrasing used on things like wedding invitations forever!

I've never heard that term.

It's always been OPEN BAR or CASH BAR.

An 'Open bar' has free alcoholic drinks and a 'Cash bar' means you need to pay for alcoholic drinks. I've been to many weddings with Cash bars, and I've never thought them to be horrible. I understand when this happens that either (a) the kids getting married can't afford the extra expense of a $2K-$5K alcohol budget, or (b) want to curb drinking. They always offer free water and soda in these cases. And that's what I do.

And in the case where alcohol is not served, they call it a DRY BAR. And that's perfectly fine too. This actually DETERS the alcoholics from coming to the event.

 

[Rory607]

To me, the key question for the OP, which doesn't seem to be completely clear:

1) Do you not want to pay for family members to consume alcohol? OR

2) Do you not want alcohol available at the party at all?

To me and for my family dynamic, I would have no problem whatsoever to say "We're paying for food, but you have to buy alcohol yourself". No one would have an issue with that.

On the other hand, if I said "We don't want anyone drinking at this party", then I think my family would be offended and not bother coming.

I am in no way criticizing you, I’m just fascinated by the fact that people would skip a kid’s graduation party due to no alcohol. That’s crazy to me, but it’s really interesting to hear other people’s experiences.

 

[DisneyHardin]

The responses in this thread have been really interesting. I come from a family of drinkers - some probably would be considered alcoholics, but none of us would ever just assume that any party is going to have free flowing drinks. We would also never decline an invitation because of a lack of drinks.

If I were the OP, I would send an invitation that says "In celebration of child's graduation, we invite you to join us at xxx restaurant. Dinner and non-alcoholic drinks will be provided" and wouldn't even mention "cash bar". If it's easy for the server to start different tabs, then by all means, let people order bar drinks. If it is a pain, then make it be a fully "dry" event. I would probably just skip the bottles of wine for the table. If people are able to order drinks and the OP and her husband want a glass of wine, I would just order them like everyone else would be doing.

Honestly, if guests are coming all the way to Disney World for the graduation celebration, I doubt they are going to RSVP "no" to one dinner because of lack of an open bar.

 

[potterfanatic]

OP you generated some great conversation! What did you decide to do?

This has been very enlightening information for sure. It’s great to be a part of something where people can talk about what might be a sensitive subject and still give kind words. You guys are all awesome.

Because we are doing this at a restaraunt for a sit down meal, we have decided to send out the graduation invitations with a smaller invitation stating that we will be paying for the meal and non-alcoholic beverages. (We’ve already talked about the dinner on the phone and texts, but this just seems like a good way to formalize telling them what to expect from us). When we looked at the amount of drinkers vs non drinkers, we decided that the majority of the people in our group don’t drink at all, and this should be a non-issue if we phrase it this way.

We are also going to have a conversation with our family member and the people he is traveling with, just to again state that we would really appreciate it if he refrain from drinking.

 

[lockets]

This has been very enlightening information for sure. It’s great to be a part of something where people can talk about what might be a sensitive subject and still give kind words. You guys are all awesome.

Because we are doing this at a restaraunt for a sit down meal, we have decided to send out the graduation invitations with a smaller invitation stating that we will be paying for the meal and non-alcoholic beverages. (We’ve already talked about the dinner on the phone and texts, but this just seems like a good way to formalize telling them what to expect from us). When we looked at the amount of drinkers vs non drinkers, we decided that the majority of the people in our group don’t drink at all, and this should be a non-issue if we phrase it this way.

We are also going to have a conversation with our family member and the people he is traveling with, just to again state that we would really appreciate it if he refrain from drinking.

Ok good to know! I hope you have an amazing event!

While we are all on this topic together - I want to wholeheartedly endorse the Al-Anon program which is a support group for anyone who is affected by a friend or family member drinking (whether that person deems themself an "alcoholic" or not). There are no requirements to join the group. In places that don't have a lot of in-person meetings there is now a national phone line to call into meetings and simply listen even without talking (or talk if you want!). For the in-person meeting, no one is required to share or speak either. One can sit and just listen in. For those that may live in small towns, the group is anonymous and members DO NOT talk about seeing someone they know at a meeting in outside circumstances. Big cities have strong attendance where a lot of "life tools" can be learned - not only to navigate a situation with an alcoholic that may be troubling, but just tools to navigate regular "personal life stuff" (work, kids, money, relationships, etc) as sometimes, for those that are around alcoholism, it can affect ones' view and navigation of life and how to cope. Google "Alanon Intergroup" and go from there to navigate to your region/city/county.

I also want to endorse what are called Open AA Meetings. These are AA meetings that are open to attendance from non-alcoholics to hear firsthand accounts from recovering alcoholics themselves - again without any pressure to share or speak up in the meeting. For non- or social drinkers, there are sometimes a lot of assumptions/misunderstandings about how/why alcoholics drink and this helps non-drinkers better understand the reality from an alcoholic's point of view. For this - google the AA list of meetings in your area and there should be a designation beside the listings for the open ones.

 

[CarolynFH]

This has been very enlightening information for sure. It’s great to be a part of something where people can talk about what might be a sensitive subject and still give kind words. You guys are all awesome.

Because we are doing this at a restaraunt for a sit down meal, we have decided to send out the graduation invitations with a smaller invitation stating that we will be paying for the meal and non-alcoholic beverages. (We’ve already talked about the dinner on the phone and texts, but this just seems like a good way to formalize telling them what to expect from us). When we looked at the amount of drinkers vs non drinkers, we decided that the majority of the people in our group don’t drink at all, and this should be a non-issue if we phrase it this way.

We are also going to have a conversation with our family member and the people he is traveling with, just to again state that we would really appreciate it if he refrain from drinking.

I think that's an excellent plan. Congratulations to your graduate, and have a wonderful time!