Just how did you get out of that 'hole'?

[Hisgirl]

This past year has been a doozy, to say the very least.

A. We moved, the downsize move, where you have to put your hand on every paper, every item and get rid of a lifetime of things.

B. We built a house. The experience was so stressful. Omg. So, so stressful.

C. My spouse retired. So he's home all the time and our income dropped by half.

D. My heart dog died unexpectedly. My heart is literally ripped in half.

E. We moved into a new house with so many large projects we had to manage.

F. And worst of all, my elderly parents, whom I cared for and was their CEO basically of their lives, both died...on the same day.

It's been a lot. In a short period of time.

Yes, I have a new neighborhood and I'm working on meeting folks. Yes, I have a new grandbaby in the works, Yay!!

But still.

I feel beat up. Worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like I just came home from a war.

How can I turn things around in my head after all of that? I know all the traditional counseling tips, I have a graduate degree in a couseling field. But making myself do it is another thing.

Happy to hear any tips and advice.

 

[Ms.Minnie]

Yes, it sounds like you have had quite a year. Sorry for the loss of your parents and on the same day, that is a lot to take in. Instead of dwelling on the negative try to dwell on the positive. You have a nice new home and a new neighborhood with hopefully nice new neighbors and best of all a new grandchild on the way! That is great news.

Just remember that time heals all wounds.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Don’t rush the grieving process. You had 2 big losses. give yourself time to grieve.

 

[RoseColored97]

Oh man, that is a lot to handle in a short amount of time. I don't have much advice besides things will start looking up in time. It's so hard to feel like there will be an end when everything is overwhelming.

I think I recall that you are a believer based on some of your posts here. I've learned that when things get really rough and life gets difficult with no end in sight, it's usually because God has something incredible planned for you. The enemy wants you to feel defeated so you give up before the greatest of joys come to you. Keep the faith, keep holding on.

Maybe you could plan a short weekend trip? It doesn't even have to be out of the area or cost a lot, you could get a hotel for the night and just have a relaxing day away from thinking about worries. We had to do that recently, just got a hotel for the night in town and saw a show. It really helped to "escape" for just a bit and take a break. When we got back, we felt much more calm and at peace to continue tackling the list of things to do.

 

[nw6675]

All this is easier said than done and I need to take my own advice, BUT

Take time to breathe. Everything doesn't have to be accomplished quickly. Set smaller goals and focus on what you can/need to do worrying about anything else. Each day is a new day and a blessing.

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. Things are yuck right now. You have tons of huge changes which any of them on their own would be difficult, much less all at one. Don't be hard on yourself

Since you have a specialty in counseling, you probably already have your "tools in the toolbox." (Can I say I hate that phrase? lol). Use them if you are up for it. For me, deep breathing and meditation don't do it and I take the meds approach, but allow yourself to take whatever path you need to take.

Good luck with everything! I'll be thinking of you.

 

[mom2rtk]

Of course you feel beat up. That's a lot by any metric. Big hugs. My best advice is to take Dory's advice and just keep swimming. You need to take care of yourself while time heals some of the hurt.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

OP, I’m sending you hugs and prayers. I’m trying to climb out of my own hole that has been 3 years in the making. I know how hard it is to pick yourself back up when you repeatedly get knocked down.

I’m a school teacher. In March of 2020, my school went virtual like all schools did. My job was turned totally upside down - so stressful and time consuming to switch to virtual on a dime and recreate and change the way we did everything. It was awful.

Then in July of 2020, I had double knee replacement, which was extremely painful, followed by 12 weeks of recover and physical therapy. I did both knees at the same time so I wouldn’t miss much school time. But you know what they say - we make plans and God laughs. I started the 2020/2021 school year 5 weeks late, I was still very weak, shaky and not sleeping at night. It was so physically hard. Just about the time I started feeling better, I came down with Covid in Jan 2021. Luckily I only had a mild case. But then a month later in Feb 2021, I started having issues with my right leg. Turns out my knee implant and tibia bone were infected. Three hospitalizations, two surgeries, an antibiotic that almost killed me, 8 weeks with a pic line, home health nurses, home PT, and 6 months later, I returned to work at the beginning of the 2021/2022 school year. I was exhausted, the kids were unruly and not well behaved, and my heart just wasn’t really in it anymore, but I made it through the year. I made an appointment with my doctor to see if anything else was physically wrong. Turns out I have sleep apnea, which I’m treating now. So I thought - great, things will be better now.

Even though I was on the fence about my job, I decided to come back for the 2022/2033 school year, hoping for a better year. Nope. I missed several weeks in October and November because my mom died. It devastated me, and I’m still struggling with the loss. And then 4 months later, my super healthy dad started having health problems. He was in the ICU for 8 days with sepsis. Thank God he recovered.

Everytime I feel like I’m finally over a hump, I get knocked back down. I just keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and I start climbing again. But man, it’s getting harder and harder to do it. Because of all these difficult life events, I decided that life it too short to let it suck. So I’m jettisoning the stuff that sucks! I gave notice at my job. I will not be returning next school year. I’m looking for a new job, which will NOT be in a classroom. And I’ve joined some clubs, taken more vacations, planned more outings with friends, and spent more quality time with my husband and 2 grown kids. All these things are bringing me some much needed joy! I’m also focusing on my health. DH and I are doing the 64 mile challenge in May.

OP, try to focus on the joy. Do things that bring you joy. Spend time with people who bring you joy. And be kind to yourself.

 

[Miffy]

OP, any one of the things you described would knock anybody for a loop. But so many things at once? That's happened to me in the past and I did recover, although I have no advice on how to do that except to say that eventually you'll feel better--which you already know.

And--dare I say it?--a trip to WDW is always a welcome break from the World of Reality.

 

[Southernmiss]

Take one breath one step one day at a time.

Give yourself grace to do nothing, but don't wallow or stay there.

Take a walk. Get your steps. Tai chi, yoga or your preferred exercise. It'll do your mind and body good.

Take advantage of the spring weather. Go outside, plant a flower bed or container garden. Something simple to look forward to watching it grow.

Eat healthy, try a new spring recipe.

Volunteer. Do something for others having a hard time or just because.

May you find peace.

 

[Kitty 34]

This past year has been a doozy, to say the very least.

A. We moved, the downsize move, where you have to put your hand on every paper, every item and get rid of a lifetime of things.

B. We built a house. The experience was so stressful. Omg. So, so stressful.

C. My spouse retired. So he's home all the time and our income dropped by half.

D. My heart dog died unexpectedly. My heart is literally ripped in half.

E. We moved into a new house with so many large projects we had to manage.

F. And worst of all, my elderly parents, whom I cared for and was their CEO basically of their lives, both died...on the same day.

It's been a lot. In a short period of time.

Yes, I have a new neighborhood and I'm working on meeting folks. Yes, I have a new grandbaby in the works, Yay!!

But still.

I feel beat up. Worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like I just came home from a war.

How can I turn things around in my head after all of that? I know all the traditional counseling tips, I have a graduate degree in a couseling field. But making myself do it is another thing.

Happy to hear any tips and advice.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

"I feel beat up. Worn out. I'm so tired. I feel like I just came home from a war."

Why not do the opposite of what you had to do last year, and give yourself a break. If you're tired, rest. If it takes the same amount of time to recover (a year) than it did to go through all that (a year), then take it easy on yourself for a year.

I know that flies in the face of what we Americans expect to be "normal" - that if I don't feel up to par there must be something deeply wrong with me and I need to fix myself immediately with therapy, drugs , or mud baths in a spa. But maybe it's ok to take a chance and just listen to what some part of you is legitimately screaming. Maybe that part of you is actually the healthiest part of you... because it's in touch with reality. "I feel beat up." (You were.) "Worn out." (You are.) "I feel like I just came home from a war." (You did.) "I'm so tired" (Yes, you are.) So rest! You might be amazed that the same part of you that demands rest, when its had enough downtime, will let you know that too.

 

[Hisgirl]

Yes, it sounds like you have had quite a year. Sorry for the loss of your parents and on the same day, that is a lot to take in. Instead of dwelling on the negative try to dwell on the positive. You have a nice new home and a new neighborhood with hopefully nice new neighbors and best of all a new grandchild on the way! That is great news.

Just remember that time heals all wounds.

I like this. And you are so right. I need to count my blessings and focus on those and every time I think of something negative, which is a lot lately, I need to redirect. I have a grand baby coming! I love my new home! I'm meeting new friends!
Just today, I got teary eyed when I started thinking about Mama & Daddy and how much I missed them. It's only been since February, so it's still raw. I was with each of them, as they drew the last breath. I do think about it a lot and I think I haven't processed it yet, the actual experience of it all.
Thank you for your words.

 

[Hisgirl]

Don’t rush the grieving process. You had 2 big losses. give yourself time to grieve.

I've been thinking about this very thing. I wonder how long is normal? I do need to give myself grace and it's okay. Thank you.

 

[holden]

As another poster said...give yourself grace. You have been through a lot and you are coming out on the other side. Take some time for YOU. Get a pedicure, go to a spa, do some yoga, learn how to meditate, get a massage, hang out with an old friend...whatever self-care looks like for you. Sometimes you might not know what you need until you get it.

Some days will be harder than others. The universe unfolds as it should. It's not always easy, but we manage to survive. You are stronger and braver than you realize.

 

[Hisgirl]

Oh man, that is a lot to handle in a short amount of time. I don't have much advice besides things will start looking up in time. It's so hard to feel like there will be an end when everything is overwhelming.

I think I recall that you are a believer based on some of your posts here. I've learned that when things get really rough and life gets difficult with no end in sight, it's usually because God has something incredible planned for you. The enemy wants you to feel defeated so you give up before the greatest of joys come to you. Keep the faith, keep holding on.

Maybe you could plan a short weekend trip? It doesn't even have to be out of the area or cost a lot, you could get a hotel for the night and just have a relaxing day away from thinking about worries. We had to do that recently, just got a hotel for the night in town and saw a show. It really helped to "escape" for just a bit and take a break. When we got back, we felt much more calm and at peace to continue tackling the list of things to do.

Yes, ma'am, I am. And you know what's funny? I've taken care of Mama & Daddy for six long years with their dementia and all the falls and ER visits. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

And I used to pray all the time, "Don't let me see it" in reference to their passing. Daddy had a stroke in the front seat of my Subaru and it really traumatized me. I'm super sensitive about them and this was hard. So yeah, didn't want to see it. I used to joke that I hoped they would both just 'wake up dead' one day. And then we'd laugh and laugh.

Well, that's basically what they did, in their 92nd years. Daddy woke up dying and passed at 3am, and mama followed him because he never went anywhere without her. So naturally she 'woke up' dying and was gone by lunch. I was bedside with both of them and....I'M SO GRATEFUL I WAS WITH THEM TO THE END.
I couldn't have gotten through this without my faith.

And yes to a trip. We're going to Tennessee on the 26th! Thank you!

 

[Hisgirl]

All this is easier said than done and I need to take my own advice, BUT

Take time to breathe. Everything doesn't have to be accomplished quickly. Set smaller goals and focus on what you can/need to do worrying about anything else. Each day is a new day and a blessing.

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. Things are yuck right now. You have tons of huge changes which any of them on their own would be difficult, much less all at one. Don't be hard on yourself

Since you have a specialty in counseling, you probably already have your "tools in the toolbox." (Can I say I hate that phrase? lol). Use them if you are up for it. For me, deep breathing and meditation don't do it and I take the meds approach, but allow yourself to take whatever path you need to take.

Good luck with everything! I'll be thinking of you.

I really like the 'smaller goals' statement. That's good.
Today...I'm going to take a walk.
Today....I'm going to call an older relative.
Today...I'm going to stretch.

I have indeed thought of what I would say to 'me' given what all I've gone through over the past six years of care-giving and honestly, it has opened my eyes to a great and tremendous need to help and embrace our fellow friends and neighbors who are care-giving elderly parents. It's causing me to want to help others. Thank you!

 

[Christine]

I've been thinking about this very thing. I wonder how long is normal? I do need to give myself grace and it's okay. Thank you.

Honestly...years. There's not way around, over, or under. You just get through it day by day. Take care of yourself, get out and walk, enjoy the sun, think about your losses for a few minutes every day and let yourself grieve them. After some time, you'll start getting some resiliancy back.

 

[Hisgirl]

Of course you feel beat up. That's a lot by any metric. Big hugs. My best advice is to take Dory's advice and just keep swimming. You need to take care of yourself while time heals some of the hurt.

It took me a minute to understand the swimming comment, haha, and actually I HAVE gone swimming as our neighborhood has a huge indoor and outdoor pool. I splashed and kicked and swam and flailed and got out the stairs in my swimsuit when the man in the pool had his face in the water, haha! It was great therapy!

Thank you!

 

[Hisgirl]

OP, I’m sending you hugs and prayers. I’m trying to climb out of my own hole that has been 3 years in the making. I know how hard it is to pick yourself back up when you repeatedly get knocked down.

I’m a school teacher. In March of 2020, my school went virtual like all schools did. My job was turned totally upside down - so stressful and time consuming to switch to virtual on a dime and recreate and change the way we did everything. It was awful.

Then in July of 2020, I had double knee replacement, which was extremely painful, followed by 12 weeks of recover and physical therapy. I did both knees at the same time so I wouldn’t miss much school time. But you know what they say - we make plans and God laughs. I started the 2020/2021 school year 5 weeks late, I was still very weak, shaky and not sleeping at night. It was so physically hard. Just about the time I started feeling better, I came down with Covid in Jan 2021. Luckily I only had a mild case. But then a month later in Feb 2021, I started having issues with my right leg. Turns out my knee implant and tibia bone were infected. Three hospitalizations, two surgeries, an antibiotic that almost killed me, 8 weeks with a pic line, home health nurses, home PT, and 6 months later, I returned to work at the beginning of the 2021/2022 school year. I was exhausted, the kids were unruly and not well behaved, and my heart just wasn’t really in it anymore, but I made it through the year. I made an appointment with my doctor to see if anything else was physically wrong. Turns out I have sleep apnea, which I’m treating now. So I thought - great, things will be better now.

Even though I was on the fence about my job, I decided to come back for the 2022/2033 school year, hoping for a better year. Nope. I missed several weeks in October and November because my mom died. It devastated me, and I’m still struggling with the loss. And then 4 months later, my super healthy dad started having health problems. He was in the ICU for 8 days with sepsis. Thank God he recovered.

Everytime I feel like I’m finally over a hump, I get knocked back down. I just keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and I start climbing again. But man, it’s getting harder and harder to do it. Because of all these difficult life events, I decided that life it too short to let it suck. So I’m jettisoning the stuff that sucks! I gave notice at my job. I will not be returning next school year. I’m looking for a new job, which will NOT be in a classroom. And I’ve joined some clubs, taken more vacations, planned more outings with friends, and spent more quality time with my husband and 2 grown kids. All these things are bringing me some much needed joy! I’m also focusing on my health. DH and I are doing the 64 mile challenge in May.

OP, try to focus on the joy. Do things that bring you joy. Spend time with people who bring you joy. And be kind to yourself.ein

Oh MY! That IS a lot!!

I'm so glad you left your job and will find something else, yay you!! Good for you!!

That knee replacement ended up being a MUCH bigger deal than you counted on! GoodNESS!

I guess I should be grateful my health is okay, although I did fall down in July and severely sprained both ankles. And all I could think of, as I layed on the carport was, "Oh Lordy....now who's gonna take mama to get her macular eye injection today!?"

I hope you continue to heal and find the most amazing job.

Thank you for your words!

 

[RoseColored97]

Yes, ma'am, I am. And you know what's funny? I've taken care of Mama & Daddy for six long years with their dementia and all the falls and ER visits. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

And I used to pray all the time, "Don't let me see it" in reference to their passing. Daddy had a stroke in the front seat of my Subaru and it really traumatized me. I'm super sensitive about them and this was hard. So yeah, didn't want to see it. I used to joke that I hoped they would both just 'wake up dead' one day. And then we'd laugh and laugh.

Well, that's basically what they did, in their 92nd years. Daddy woke up dying and passed at 3am, and mama followed him because he never went anywhere without her. So naturally she 'woke up' dying and was gone by lunch. I couldn't have gotten through this without my faith.

And yes to a trip. We're going to Tennessee on the 26th! Thank you!

Hugs to you and prayers for peace