Kind words of encouragement needed for tough decision...

[batt01]

Hi friends,

We just made a very tough decision and I am in search of kind words of encouragement - not flames!

We are going on our fourth family trip to WDW in Feburary. We have three kids. Our seven-year-old twins have been to WDW three times, our three-year-old daughter has been there two times.

For our upcoming trip we have decided not to take our three-year-old. About 1.5 years ago she was diagnosed with autism. It has been a rollercoaster year and a half, to say the least. To make a long story short, she is now in a fabulous private school where she receives many hours of ABA therapy. The school is such a blessing and after just three months there she is already speaking 10X's more than she used to. She is also tolerating schedules and sensory issues much better. The school is so nuturing and she loves going there each day (although I desperately miss having my "baby" at home.)

We are blessed to live near my in-laws who take fabulous care of all my kids whenever we need them to. They especially have a soft spot in their hearts for our young daughter and are more than willing to take care of her while we are gone. (In fact, they will "spoil" her to pieces!)

We really (really, really, really) weighed the pros and cons of taking her or leaving her. On the one hand, it will kill us to not see her have fun at Disney World. We know that she would love walking around the parks and playing in the hotel's pool. Plus, we are a tight family and know the importance of encouraging the "family unit". On the other hand, we know that she would not enjoy the rides or shows (we took her to a small amusement park this summer and she freaked out!). This would mean that we would constantly have to split up. Plus, restaurants ( or an enjoyable time at a restaurant) is out of the question. We feel that, at this time in our lives, it is important to really spend "quality and uninturruped" time with our seven-year-old twins who have gone through so much in the last year. So often we have not been able to do something or go somewhere because of our daughter's condition. We want to have the chance to all go into a show or a ride together and have the twins sit with Mommy and Daddy at the same time rather than one always having to take care of "the baby".

Plus - to take our daughter out of this very special (and expensive) school could set her back quite a bit. Just after four days vacation at Thanksgiving, her progress stepped back a bit. This vacation would actually take her out of school for 10 days because of the way it is scheduled just prior to an official school closing.

To boot - we are driving this year (approx. 16 hours) which takes it's toll on everyone, and even more so on an autistic child.

Finally, we are a WDW crazed family. We have averaged a trip every 1.5 years since we have had children (plus one "second honeymoon where we left all the kids home with above mentioned in-laws ) So - we know that this is not our "Family trip of a lifetime"; we definitely plan to go back again and feel that it will be better for our daughter to get a few more "skills" under her belt before taking her with us.

So, I am feeling a bit sad about our decision - but I know it is the right one. Can anyone out there help me feel good about what we are doing?

Thanks!

 

[Michigan]

It sounds to me that you have thought this through and made the right decision for the whole family. It sounds like she is doing wonderful at school and to take her out would set back her progress.

 

[Teri Zolman]

This is a tough decision for you I am sure. You know what is best for your daughter and twins. I think you are making the best decision for everyone. Your daughter will probably do better in a familiar situaiton with loving grandparents. I also believe it is important for parents to do special things with each of their children. Don't feel like you are being a bad parent. God Bless you for the love you have for the kids and for the challenges you all have to go through everyday.

 

[mbb]

Our 5yr old twins have autism...I too felt the pain of not having my babies at home, but at a wonderful centre - which everyone said would be "best" for them...I cried lots over that!!

Anyway, because of that Centre's dedication to us - my babies, my husband, and I - our boys are now able to cope - no, succeed! with our yearly trips to WDW...as a family. Our sons count down the days til they see Mickey and Buzz, and drive the plane there...to our other "home"

...good decision, mom, your other babies need to be mom's babies too...and with the progress your daughter is making, the next time you go will be that much more magical...

Feel glad, not guilt! has become a motto for me..hope it works for you!!

 

[SueOKW]

We've been faced with similar decisions.

2 summers ago, we wanted to go to Washington DC, which is not handi-friendly at all.

DS was to stay at a local respite care home - highly recommended and checked out carefully. It was no go after about 12 hours - we hadn't left yet, thankk goodness. He was dehydrated and everything!! (he is very stubborn.) what a nightmare. Well, needless to say we didn't go. Instead, I took the girls to Cedar Point for two nights. DH and DS had a very quiet recouperation from the Hattie Larlham experience.

I guess my point is that our other kids deserve some attention too, and everyone needs some respite. I say to you - relax, enjoy yourselves and appreciate the help you are getting on the home front. You are very lucky indeed to have opportunity to do this.

And of course, you will miss her like crazy, but try to enjoy!


Sue

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I would like to chime in similarly to the others who have already responded. I agree that your plans are well thought out.

One thing I am reading into this is that the twins have had several years where there has been lots of attention (possibly, in their minds, too much) devoted to their younger sister. They do need a break from her.

I think you have made the correct decision. I think, as mbb implied, by the next time a trip rolls around she will be better able to cope with it. Just be sure to bring back something special for her from the trip.

 

[s&k'smom]

I hadn't even finished reading all the posts when I wanted to reply. First I think you are wonderful to put so much though into your decision. And believe me I know what it's like to have your kid out of school for too long. If DD is doing so well in school and will be royally spoiled by her grandparents that would be such a special time just for her.

It is so important to give attention to your other children. That is the boat I am in now. I just changed jobs so I could spend more time with my DD. And she has bloomed. And since you'll be going back again and again to WDW (aren't we all) you should not feel the least bit guilty.

I love my son, but he sucks the energy out of everywhere he is and my little one gets left behind sometimes. When I took only her to WDW for 3 days it was so amazing to see things through her eyes. On the other hand my DS stayed at home with Dad and did "manly" things (garage cleaning, yard work and he loved it). Whether your children have issues or not it so important that they have their own time with mom, dad and grandparents. You are making a wonderful choice for everyone. Take care and let us know how it goes.

 

[dj2]

It surely sounds like you have made the very best decision!

When I first started planning our upcoming trip I felt guilty about only taking my DD7. (DD11, DD12 and DH are staying home.) But, for many reasons, that was the right decision for our family. And, even though I KNOW that it's the right decision, there's still a small part of me that feels a little guilty.

As a mom, I want to "not play favorites" and to "be fair" to all my kids. But taking everyone is not the right decision for my family, therefore taking everyone is not "fair" to the family as a whole.

I agree with and what the others have said. And let me add that being "fair" does not always mean that everyone gets the same thing.

This applies to everyone, not just those with special needs. My three girls at times will complain when one gets something that another doesn't and I always remind them that they all have very good lives with lots of wonderful things and loving family and that everything doesn't have to be "evenly measured." Each gets what fits her need at the moment, and it all works out in the end.

It sure seems like what fits the bill right now is for your twins to get some undistracted attention from their parents, for you parents to get some undistracted time with your twins, and for your youngest to continue her successes at her school.

Enjoy your vacation!

dj

 

[batt01]

From the bottom of my heart.....THANK YOU all so much!

 

[tmli]

As parents we spend alot of time second guessing ourselves and worrying about the right decision. When we have a child with special needs we spend even more time struggling with this.

I recognize in your post just how thought out your decision making is as I go thru the same thought processes myself. However, I seem to be reading into your post that you are looking for some type of validation to your decision. I also recognize this because I do this constantly.

What I want to say is I understand that your post is looking for kind words of encouragement...words that you more than deserve. But please don't feel it necessary to seek justification or validation...it is obvious you are deciding out of love for all your children what is best. Please enjoy your vacation, be thankful your daughter is getting her own special attention with grandparents and never feel guilty.

I've struggled for years with my ds(7) who has just been diagnosed with Aspergers. There are so many people out there so quick to jump and give there opinions and criticisms....I believe here at this board you will get only understanding and compassion.

 

[SueM in MN]

As the others said, you have put a lot of thought into this trip and what would be best for each member of your family, not just your twins or your other child or you and your DH.
I have another viewpoint to consider.
Don't look at leaving your 3 year old with her grandparents as just not bringing her along on the trip the rest of the family is taking. Her staying home with them is also an opportunity for her to get some special time alone with her grandparents. Even though she might enjoy parts of a trip to WDW, other parts are a stress for her. Having her stay with grandma and grandpa allows you all to do something you will enjoy.

 

[Poohnatic]

I know it's a hard decision to make, but you're doing the right thing by giving the older kids a chance to experience WDW with both mom and dad.

My older son, 7, has Asperger's and the 'alphabet soup' that usually goes along with it. Our trips have been good, horrible and in between. Knowing his diagnosis is only half the battle...and for that reason, I offered for my DH to go to WDW with just our younger son.

They're going in 4 weeks. Older son knows, and he's looking forward to just having Mom for the 5 days. I'm sure your daughter will enjoy having grandma and grandpa all to herself, too.

Enjoy the trip, make sure to do something special for her and call and get updates on how she's doing. It's going to be great for all of you...and think of how much progress you will notice when you get home after 10 days since you won't be seeing the 'baby steps' her school takes her through!

Suzanne

 

[iluvflorida]

Hi. First of all let me say that it is nice to see families taking every one into consideration. Having just retired from working in Social Services including with Autistic, it is wise to leave your youngest at home this time. They as I am sure you know need structure and routine. It sounds if your child is progressing at the special school. There will be many more trips as you indicate that they and you will enjoy even more because of this decision. My only suggestion is to make sure you explain to the twins why they are going and not their sibling if you have not already. They are old enough to understand and will respect you and help with your other child later. Most of all now the decision is made, go and have fun with no regrets.

 

[batt01]

Again - thank you!

 

[Dreamer04]

Hi. I just wanted to add my voice of support. (can't imagine who would not support you).

One of the reasons we are chosen as parents of special children, is our ability to step back and see the whole picture. It isn't easy.

The twins need their Mommy as much as your DD. This vacation will provide some well deserved R+R for all.

You also bring up an extremely important point. Your DD would end up suffering, trying to re-aclimate herself upon her return, if she did go along.

You sound like a fabulous mom who loves all her children. God bless you. I understand the misgivings you feel. Many people, especially those without children with special needs, would misconstrue your intentions. Forget them. Love God, yourself and your family. Take care.

 

[travelitis]

My neighbors have a son with autism, and they treat the other 2 siblings to some trips without him. Sometimes he goes, and sometimes he doesn't. His older sisters are very impacted by his autism, and it's certainly helped mold them into wonderful young women. However, they deserve time with Mom and Dad that is for them. I support you 100% and congratulate you for having the strength to do this.

BTW, my neighbors were shocked that Alex would play with my 2 sons because he doesn't socialize. My boys have made me proud the way they play with him on his terms and treat him like any of their friends. I'm sure many kids and adults don't know what to make of Alex, but my kids don't see the differences, and it warms my heart that I never had to instruct them how to treat Alex. It came naturally.

Enjoy your trip and know that your other kids have sacrificed, and they need this to help keep balance and to keep from feeling resentment.

 

[DisneyBrat]

First let me say NO ONE would or should say a word about you not taking your daughter with you. My thoughts are that you need to have a break for a few days to regroup and recharge for the emotional health of you and your family. I don't have a child who is autistic but have a special needs son who takes ALOT of time and care. From what I have read places like amusement parks are stressful on autistic children so in that perspective its kind of cruel to subject them. They can't help their fears and all the sights and sounds from what I have read are terrible for them. God Bless and have fun on your trip


Lew

 

[roadtripper]

What a difficult decision for you to make! Sometimes it seems as though we make those every day, doesn't it? We devote so much energy to our kids with disabilities that it's ok to do things with the typical children alone. In fact, it helps them realize that we value them for who they are. Your daughters have probably had to make sacrifices, too-- this will be a nice break for them. My nine year old DD sometimes gets so upset with people staring at her brother in the w/c that it ruins some of the fun for her. Go and have a great time!

 

[Poohnatic]

My 7 year old son is home with me right now, while dad and brother are at WDW (I sent them as a Christmas present).

My son was asked if he wanted to go with them, and his response was "No, I want my peace and quiet." Since dropping of Dad and little brother at the airport, he's gotten exactly that, and is quite enjoying the opportunity to play uninterrupted, get what he wants to eat, watch what he wants on TV and having me to himself.

There has been NO DRAMA for the past 38 hours, and it is heaven. He's loving it, I'm loving it, and DH and DS are enjoying WDW. A winner all around.

Just thought you'd like a perspective from someone who's doing the stay at home thing!

Suanne

 

[wvdisnut]

I think you are making the correct decision. We have an autistic 18 yr. old daughter, and we just got back from WDW 2 weeks ago, our 3rd trip with her. Our first was in 97, and again in 98. All were fabulous, but it wouldn't have been that way with a 3 year old. I can understand your issues, and empathize. Of course your twins deserve this quality time, as I am sure they have enough of non-quality time putting up with working around your 3 year old. You all deserve it. If your little one is going to be well taken care of and spoiled, this is great! That would be my biggest concern. And the school issues are valid. But a decision like this is very difficult, and you need to understand that you will have times of feeling many different feelings by not taking her, while you are there. You will feel great you don't have to be saddled with her and then you will feel guilty about that. Then you will feel sad she isn't there, and guilty about having fun. But hopefully, you will just realize that these feelings are only normal, and you will be able to put them out of your mind after processing them and giving yourself permission to have them. Accept that you will feel sad about it at times, and then just move on and have a blast. Anything less than having a blast and letting your twins have one too would be such a waste, and sad in itself.
Our daughter is in WDW in her mind all the time, and it is the most important thing in her fantasy life, which is very large. She has echolalia, (but really they are just stories she tells to herself when bored, or hyper), about Dis all the time. Returning to WDW this past trip was the fulfillment of her dream. After saying something about "missing WDW" nearly everyday for the past 5 years since the last trip, actually going there was so special you can't imagine. She grinned like the Cheshire Cate ALL the time!

You will have your special trip with your little one some day. Let your twins and you all have your special moments now. You are doing the right thing.