Leaving a teen behind.....Update pg 12, we are back!

[fortwildernessishome]

Honestly, I can't imagine trusting a teen home alone for a week if they weren't someone I could trust some extra cash with.

Glad it worked out though.

Totally agree with this!! When my kids were 18 and went away to college I got them each a credit card on my account, so they would have it if they needed it. They had debit cards of their own, but I just wanted them to have access to more cash/credit if something came up. I had no hesitation doing this for them, because I knew they wouldn't use my card for anything they shouldn't, and they never did. In addition to that, we have always had a comfortable amount of cash in the house and they have always known where it was, so again, if something came up and they needed cash and I wasn't around, they could borrow some. We went all through middle school, high school and college and they never used any money without letting me know and replacing it. I trusted them completely and they never let me down. I truly can't imagine it being any other way!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Different strokes for different folks. The OP could have come home to a sparkling clean house and later found out her kid was hosting keg parties and getting laid every night in her bed. And I would sincerely hope a 21 year old adult could function "at home" when mommy and daddy travel. I would also wonder why he didn't have his own debit card? At 21, even a coddled, still living at home "child" should be financially independent enough in my opinion that mom doesn't need to leave her debit card for him to feed or support himself! I'm shaking my head in amazement while reading your response!

OP, sounds like your experiment was a success! And kudos to him for the smoothie in a casserole dish, lol. I remember in college using all sorts of weird things to use for cups and bowls, when we hadn't run the dishwasher and everything was dirty!

Guess you only read what you wanted to read.

As my post said, my son has his own debit card. And he used it while we were gone, just like he does every day.

BUT, as my post said, if there had been an emergency and he needed a large sum of money, he had my debit card. Maybe in your world 21 year old college students have thousands of dollars just sitting in their checking account. In my world they don't. His money is tied up in going to college. If something had happened to our dogs, vets bills can run pretty high. I simply wanted him prepared.

Oh, and he didn't have a keg party nor did he sleep around. It really wasn't one or the other. I expect my son to be responsible. He needs to be responsible with money, his body and my house.

But like I said, you simply read what you wanted to read.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I'm 51, and when I was a kid my parents travelled a lot and left me with my older teenaged siblings. Generally, it would be a wild week of my brother's football team drinking, my sister's pot smoking, druggie friends getting stoned all week and me wandering the neighborhood doing whatever. We all grew up, had wildly successful careers and ended up raising well-adjusted kids ourselves, so I guess my parent's didn't totally suck, lol. None of us have ever been in jail, and one of us was a pretty well established community leader known for charitable work. I raised my son pretty much the same, and I'd put up his responsible nature and independence against my loser adult nephews anytime, given that they are in their 20's, still live at home, can't even balance a checkbook or hold a full time job, even though they were raised in a hyper-strict home with "high expectations".

Everyone is different. When I was in high school and my parents went away, my brother and I pretty much behaved the same as when my folks were there. My kids have also been responsible when they have been home on their own. I basically grew up with high expectations and I brought up my boys the same way. I grew up to be independent and responsible as have my boys. That's too bad that you have "loser" nephews, but not everyone who grew up in strict homes with high expectations end up with so many problems as your "loser" nephews! But I am sure you know that!

 

[Marchand63]

Heck your house was standing & intact, no police visits & he went to school?!?!? Winner!!!!

I threw drunken balls when I had home alone access. But its okay I blamed it on my older brother

 

[mummabear]

I agree.

Now, my son is an adult. When we went to Disney and left him, he was 21. But he has always lived at home, and is pretty coddled.

I left him with my debit card. He didn't use it. But he had it in case there had been an emergency. If I couldn't trust him with my debit card to use in an emergency, then I wouldn't have trusted him with my house. And keys to my car.

And the house was a disaster? A total mess? No way. That is not a win. That would have simply shown me that he wasn't ready for the responsibility. And next time, there would be no way that I would leave him alone. The boy is 17, but it sounds like he needs a babysitter.

I read the update from page 12 to my son and he had no words. About half of the time I was reading it, he had his head in his hands. The rest of the time he was looking at me in total amazement and shock.

At 21, even a coddled, still living at home "child" should be financially independent enough in my opinion that mom doesn't need to leave her debit card for him to feed or support himself! I'm shaking my head in amazement while reading your response!

Exactly!

At 21 I was married and owned my own home.
I can understand someone staying at home while attending university, but there are light years between being 17 and being 21 financially. The idea that you would provide him money to feed him when you aren't even there shows you aren't setting him up for the real world.

OP, you did the right thing, you gave him a chance to sink or swim and he survived and so did the house,!much worse has happened with "responsibile" kids whose parents ave high expectations.
Good on you for being realistic about your child's abilities and giving him some rope.

 

[moon]

I think is sad that girls as young as 13/ 14 are involved in "relationships". They have a lifetime for that...this is a time to be enjoying their youth and freedom, involved in dozens of activities, passionate for one this week, and then finding out something even more exciting next week...discovering themselves, concentrating on themselves and not on some guy...there will be enough time for that

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Exactly!

At 21 I was married and owned my own home.
I can understand someone staying at home while attending university, but there are light years between being 17 and being 21 financially. The idea that you would provide him money to feed him when you aren't even there shows you aren't setting him up for the real world.

OP, you did the right thing, you gave him a chance to sink or swim and he survived and so did the house,!much worse has happened with "responsibile" kids whose parents ave high expectations.
Good on you for being realistic about your child's abilities and giving him some rope.

Please show me where I said I gave him money to feed himself.

 

[Marchand63]

I think is sad that girls as young as 13/ 14 are involved in "relationships". They have a lifetime for that...this is a time to be enjoying their youth and freedom, involved in dozens of activities, passionate for one this week, and then finding out something even more exciting next week...discovering themselves, concentrating on themselves and not on some guy...there will be enough time for that

Wow judge much!!! Yo don't know how she dates. It could be just in big groups or in house. This is about a 17yo being left home not a diatribe on the OPs DD.

 

[maxiesmom]

OP--If I were you I would ask for this thread to be closed. Some people can't just be happy for you that everything worked out ok.

 

[moon]

Wow judge much!!! Yo don't know how she dates. It could be just in big groups or in house. This is about a 17yo being left home not a diatribe on the OPs DD.

My post wasn't specific to the OP's DD, just the situation in general. I think 13/14 year olds are too young to be dating. And it was the OP who brought up her 14 yo

 

[DisAuntie]

Wow judge much!!! Yo don't know how she dates. It could be just in big groups or in house. This is about a 17yo being left home not a diatribe on the OPs DD.

Are sleepovers considered dates?

 

[Marchand63]

My post wasn't specific to the OP's DD, just the situation in general. I think 13/14 year olds are too young to be dating. And it was the OP who brought up her 14 yo

Are sleepovers considered dates?

Why don't you start a thread about teen dating rather than try to hijack this one.

Once again DIS post goes left. ITA OP ask this be closed before we get the holier than thou feel the need to go all the way left.

 

[handinpocket]

Why don't you start a thread about teen dating rather than try to hijack this one.

Once again DIS post goes left. ITA OP ask this be closed before we get the holier than thou feel the need to go all the way left.

Oh please, I'm pretty liberal with my kids and laid back, yet I think it is reprehensible to allow a 13 - 14 year old child to partake in co-ed sleep overs.

 

[DisAuntie]

Why don't you start a thread about teen dating rather than try to hijack this one.

That's more the OP's MO, not mine.

 

[Cinderella94]

Honestly, I can't imagine trusting a teen home alone for a week if they weren't someone I could trust some extra cash with.

Glad it worked out though.

I thought the same thing. Those two thoughts don't mesh together for me.

 

[ronandannette]

Not sure what living on a budget has to do with my comment? And I didn't say anything about the amount being adequate or not.

My only point was that if she didn't think he was responsible enough to handle the money, I would have concerns about him being responsible in more important ways (like getting to school on time every day).

Well then for sure you wouldn't have left this particular kid, because the issue of whether or not he'd go to school was the main point in the OP. Clearly they decided it didn't matter if he went (given that it was very possible he would skip), because they ended up deciding to go ahead without him. Apparently it all turned out fine.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Hi everyone.

Please remember to be respectful on these boards, regardless of what you may think of another person.

 

[mummabear]

Please show me where I said I gave him money to feed himself.

You gave him your debit card right?
I see from further posts your example of vet emergencies, I can't think of an emergency that would require immediate payment that you wouldn't have been able to pay directly with the provider.

I think the issue is that you are comparing to quite different ages, at 17 you are a for all intents and purposes a child, your parents should be giving you enough rope to hang yourself as you learn to be independent. At 21 you are an adult, you should be independent.
Comparing the behaviour of two kids at those ages is unrealistic.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

You gave him your debit card right?
I see from further posts your example of vet emergencies, I can't think of an emergency that would require immediate payment that you wouldn't have been able to pay directly with the provider.

I think the issue is that you are comparing to quite different ages, at 17 you are a for all intents and purposes a child, your parents should be giving you enough rope to hang yourself as you learn to be independent. At 21 you are an adult, you should be independent.
Comparing the behaviour of two kids at those ages is unrealistic.

You don't have to be able to think of an emergency that would require immediate payment. I simply left the card so he would be covered. Since there wasn't an emergency, he didn't use it.

But I could leave him my card because I trust him. If something had come up, he could have simply taken care of it, rather than having to call me and then wait for the money to be transferred.

And I will once again say, if I couldn't trust my child with money, I certainly wouldn't trust him with my house.

 

[LisaR]

Glad it worked out for you, OP'er. I don't think he did anything overly unusual for that age; sleeping, eating junk food, making a mess, skipping a couple classes, however, I think it is strange that a 17 y/o truly has no clue how to turn on the dishwasher! I'm going to assume that also means he wouldn't know how to turn on the washer and dryer? You may want to teach him how to use those things (and by teach, I mean show him and then actually make him do it).