Meeting the girlfriends daughter for the first time and need advice.

[mjkacmom]

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!!! An 11 yo is not a grown woman she will see right through this - be yourself!! that is what won Mom over, not where or what you did but who you are. I entered the dating game at 45 and believe when I say trying to win over a teen or tween is gonna get you stuck. They are like sharks they smell blood in the water LOL! When I learned that the kids will either like me for me or they won't.

Take a deep breathe & relax. BTW love a hockey fan!!! See if there are any tourneys around, some are still doing small local ones.

Oh maybe instead of flowers or candy etc, who is her fave player? Maybe a T shirt or if she collects the NHL Lego players? My DGD (8) loves collecting the Zambonis, it her thing with my DSO - they both love & play hockey

So an edible arrangement is a bad idea, but a t-shirt is okay? My dd13 would have loved an edible arrangement at 11 - they were her favorite!

 

[Allons-y!]

Most 11 year-old girls are not "like sharks" sniffing for "blood in the water". They're kids, who might take time to warm up to a new person, but are not out to get you. Please disregard this silly post.

I didn't interpret the post you quoted as saying that 11 year-olds are out to get anyone. I took it to mean that they can tell when someone is trying too hard or is faking it, and kids that age generally don't put up with that kind of insincerity.

 

[MickeySP]

Most 11 year-old girls are not "like sharks" sniffing for "blood in the water". They're kids, who might take time to warm up to a new person, but are not out to get you. Please disregard this silly post.

With all due respect to your otherwise disrespect - Teen girls are ruthless. Just read some of your fellow DISers posts. So he would be better being fake & over trying?

So an edible arrangement is a bad idea, but a t-shirt is okay? My dd13 would have loved an edible arrangement at 11 - they were her favorite!

He said she liked hockey & I know hockey fans. My DGD would rather have a Tshirt with her fave Bruin or a Lego NHL player than a piece of fruit or a flower

I didn't interpret the post you quoted as saying that 11 year-olds are out to get anyone. I took it to mean that they can tell when someone is trying too hard or is faking it, and kids that age generally don't put up with that kind of insincerity.

EXACTLY!! He said he was nervous and from his post way over thinking how he should act. My advice act like himself, but if they think he should be fake - well go for it. Mom seemed to like him as him not as the over thinking trying to hard guy.

 

[mjkacmom]

With all due respect to your otherwise disrespect - Teen girls are ruthless. Just read some of your fellow DISers posts. So he would be better being fake & over trying?



He said she liked hockey & I know hockey fans. My DGD would rather have a Tshirt with her fave Bruin or a Lego NHL player than a piece of fruit or a flower


EXACTLY!! He said he was nervous and from his post way over thinking how he should act. My advice act like himself, but if they think he should be fake - well go for it. Mom seemed to like him as him not as the over thinking trying to hard guy.

So, hockey fans like Legos, but don't like fruit - gotcha. I've got 2 boys and 3 girls who would all take the fruit over the lego figurines, even if they represented their favorite sports.

 

[MickeySP]

So, hockey fans like Legos, but don't like fruit - gotcha. I've got 2 boys and 3 girls who would all take the fruit over the lego figurines, even if they represented their favorite sports.

YUP, 11 yo girls do - go to the proshop & see what they buy. Yup they sure do. Guees you don't know hockey fans, if you say their fave sport. I said fave player - big difference. My DGD would much rather gather to her collection than a piece of cantaloupe

Guess doing 41 games a year I see what kids buy at games

 

[Disney Doll]

I probably wouldn't bring a gift and I'd ask Moms advice about what to do.

 

[Missy1961]

I agree. An edible arrangement is serious overkill. A gift is not only not necessary, it screams "Like me! Please like me!!" The harder OP tries to "win her over," the less likely that will be.

Exactly. I think the OP is seriously overthinking this.

 

[klacey1]

YUP, 11 yo girls do - go to the proshop & see what they buy. Yup they sure do. Guees you don't know hockey fans, if you say their fave sport. I said fave player - big difference. My DGD would much rather gather to her collection than a piece of cantaloupe

Guess doing 41 games a year I see what kids buy at games

LOL, well obviously you are going to see kids buying hockey gear at games! Last time I went to a game, I don't recall being forced to choose between fruit and a t-shirt at the pro shop, so that's a faulty comparison. But as the daughter of divorce and a hockey fan since birth, I would have been weirded out at 11 if I was meeting my mom's boyfriend for the first time and he gave me a shirt of my favorite player--like my mom had been talking about me. An Edible Arrangement is definitely a better choice, as it's a nice gesture without being personal. Either way, I don't think a gift is necessary at all. I agree with all of the PP that say the girl will likely see through it as a "like me!" gesture. Being yourself, and friendly, will get you way farther than any token gift.

OP, I think bowling or something active is definitely best bet. Or if you go somewhere like Dave and Busters, your "gift" can be giving her all your tickets so she can select a bigger prize.

 

[MickeySP]

LOL, well obviously you are going to see kids buying hockey gear at games! Last time I went to a game, I don't recall being forced to choose between fruit and a t-shirt at the pro shop, so that's a faulty comparison. But as the daughter of divorce and a hockey fan since birth, I would have been weirded out at 11 if I was meeting my mom's boyfriend for the first time and he gave me a shirt of my favorite player--like my mom had been talking about me. An Edible Arrangement is definitely a better choice, as it's a nice gesture without being personal. Either way, I don't think a gift is necessary at all. I agree with all of the PP that say the girl will likely see through it as a "like me!" gesture. Being yourself, and friendly, will get you way farther than any token gift.

OP, I think bowling or something active is definitely best bet. Or if you go somewhere like Dave and Busters, your "gift" can be giving her all your tickets so she can select a bigger prize.

I do agree that no gift may be the ideal but since he knows her likes maybe going with that is better. So they meet & she has to carry fruit with her all night?

 

[roseaster]

I have 5 girls. 4 of which are 11 or older. They have a very large range in activities they enjoy from sports to spas, and we are a blended family, though mine were much younger when my husband came on the scene.

Please, skip the gift, period. Aside from all the things other people have said, that it reads as trying too hard, or as a bribe, you don't really know her well enough to know what she would like or dislike. I think accepting a gift from a stranger would be awkward.

Keep it casual. Do something active, where you don't have to fill in with conversation, and something without a time constraint, where if it isn't going well you can leave whenever you please, or if it is going well you can stay.

If you have something like a Dave and Buster's nearby that is an excellent idea. I know it's unseasonably cold in the northeast right now so outdoor activities may not be a plan.

 

[Lynne M]

You really want to check with her mom on this, see what kind of activity she'd like. And I'd agree - no flowers, no gifts, no over-the-top activities.

Don't think of this as impressing her or her mom. That's a guaranteed fail, and will probably be a turnoff for both her and her mom.

Look at it as the two of you beginning the process of getting to know each other. You're not looking to "win her over." That happens on her schedule, after a long period of observing how you treat her, and how you treat her mom.

Low-key is best. I like the idea of a movie and ice cream.

 

[mjkacmom]

YUP, 11 yo girls do - go to the proshop & see what they buy. Yup they sure do. Guees you don't know hockey fans, if you say their fave sport. I said fave player - big difference. My DGD would much rather gather to her collection than a piece of cantaloupe

Guess doing 41 games a year I see what kids buy at games

Okay, obviously you don't have daughters and your only experience with young girls is your granddaughter. That's fine.

OP, I assume your girlfriend is coming on this meeting, just follow her lead.

 

[kimblebee]

Okay, obviously you don't have daughters and your only experience with young girls is your granddaughter. That's fine.

OP, I assume your girlfriend is coming on this meeting, just follow her lead.

May daughter was 12 when she met my now husband and I totally agree with the quoted poster. My daughter would not have wanted a piece of fruit but would have been his forever if he would have bought her a few Littlest Pet Shop toys. Luckily, they hit it off from day one so there was no 'winning over' needed..

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why not ask your girlfriend to find out where her daughter likes to go?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So, hockey fans like Legos, but don't like fruit

"Nice to meet you. Here, have a banana!"



Edit: I know, we are talking about an arrangement, not one piece of fruit. I'm just trying to be funny.

 

[Gorechick]

I like the idea of the Edible arrangements but I wouldn't get something specific for each of them. A nice box of chocolate strawberries to share is thoughtful.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

The gift idea is over the top and screams of insecurity. Please just do something low-key with a short time commitment and see how it goes. Have you ever heard the theory of dating like a cat and not like a dog? Cats are more aloof and tend to cause a person to approach them and crave their love. Dogs are the opposite - always bringing toys to you to play with and in your face to the point of annoyance. Pretend that you are the cat in this situation and be polite to the girlfriend's daughter without jumping all over the place to get her attention. Let her come to you in her own time. Don't be a dog and overdo it.

ps - I love actual dogs but not the dog-type people.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hadn't chimed in... But, OP, if there is anything clear at all, it is that there are all different kinds of kids.
And, this can be a tricky age!!! Sometimes like a 16 year old, sometimes like a 6 year old!

While this is a huge deal to you, remember, you don't want it to come off that way to her.
Nobody needs that kind of pressure. Especially a kid.
I would not come bearing gifts.
(NOTE: I do not really get the whole discussion/disagreement about edible treats... EVERY human being, no matter the age or sex or personality, likes delicious treats!)
I would not make big special plans.
If she likes hockey, does she play? Does she have friends that play?
Does she participate in gymnastics?
Any other interests like that?

It strikes me that you do not want to try to plan to do things that kids enjoy doing WITH other kids... And you also do not want to do more adult things... (like the rose and/or nice meal...) I would stick to things that families normally might do together.
You, as an adult, do not necessarily want to put yourself on her level, and def. do not try put an 11 year old girl on your level. (which is what the flower would do)

She sounds like the more active, but not necessarily meaning 'tom-boy' type of girl.
And, either way, I wouldn't try to second guess.

Why not accompany them to a hockey game or gymnastics practice.
Something that is more everyday and comfortable for them.

Just be yourself, and show that you are interested in her and attentive (but not overly-attentive). Even trying to make too much eye contact or asking questions about her (which might be met with silence or non-commital one word answers) could be too much if she is not in a gregarious mood. Just do things like get the door... with a simple smile or 'ladies first'. Offer to go up and buy her food or ice-cream. Simple one sided things that do not require a lot of direct response and interaction. It might take quite some time before that kind of personal interaction is comfortable.

My guess is that being casual and laid-back and not trying too hard (which can come off as just too-much, or demanding) will work out better than any roses or gifts or big plans!!!!

 

[Gracie09]

don't over think it. Take her bowling. Buy her some food. Keep it lowkey. Gifts/flowers etc are a bit much imo.

 

[sksjasams]

I agree with all of the PP that say the girl will likely see through it as a "like me!" gesture. Being yourself, and friendly, will get you way farther than any token gift.

OP, I think bowling or something active is definitely best bet. Or if you go somewhere like Dave and Busters, your "gift" can be giving her all your tickets so she can select a bigger prize.

I completely agree with skipping the gift altogether. It would be a very awkward moment for everyone.

Klacey1's suggestion here is the best I've read - giving her your D&B tickets at the end of the night so she can pick out a better prize. That is a totally appropriate and kind gesture that I think would make a great impression.