Mom really hurt me yesterday

[kacaju]

Long story short'
Mom has dementia, Mom lives with freeloading alcoholic brother who claims he takes care of her (which he does not)

Mom NEEDS to be in an Assisted Living place where her needs can be met. Brother underminds the rest of us (siblings) and is keeping mom at home so he can live his freeloading life.

Mom has no interest in anything my kids do as far as activities so I do not see her as much because my weekends are pretty much booked up.

Over the weekend Mom decided she wanted to go to the ALP and by yesterday changed her mind (a pattern she does all the time, because the brother talks her out of it)

So yesterday I was accused of...not caring about her, wanting to *put her away, because I have no time for her. and maybe I should stop doing so much for my children. oh and being told why is it ok for ME to have a life...but I am not OK with her having a life...

I know in my heart this is the brother talking not her.. know with the Dementia she ill...it is the end of school year...I work in a school.. I am so over booked right now due to normal end of school year stuff. (and this week is the worse) and this just really hit me hard. I go out of my way to schedule Dr appts for her and help out as much as I can.
It just really, really hurt

 

[mommasita]

I'm so sorry.. I know exactly what you are saying. It isn't easy always to know it is the dementia talking, or her being influenced. You are human, you are her daughter, and you have feelings..

Giant hugs and love to you.. You are doing all you can..

 

[kacaju]

thank you for understanding. I do feel a little bit better now. I do call her everyday to check on her. I have not done so today and probably will not for a few days just because I do not want to deal with her if she is still *angry* at me.

 

[mommasita]

thank you for understanding. I do feel a little bit better now. I do call her everyday to check on her. I have not done so today and probably will not for a few days just because I do not want to deal with her if she is still *angry* at me.

I think that is wise. I do this as well. Take some away time.... PM me any time you would like to chat, or need a shoulder...

 

[manning]

Is she safe? Can she take care of herself?

You may have to consider declaring her incompetent and have a guardian appointed other than your brother.

 

[kacaju]

Is she safe? Can she take care of herself?

You may have to consider declaring her incompetent and have a guardian appointed other than your brother.

I've tried....Is she safe? No I do not think she is. She is afraid of falling and lives in a 3 story townhouse. At one time she went around installing (none handicap) hand grips to help her because she gets weak. I have gone to Dr.'s called Adult protective services, I have done everything possible to try to help her and I get no where.
It has been over a week now.. I have not spoken to her. Other family members have so I know she is ok. She has zero quality of life where she is now.

 

[Rikersmom]

I have friends in situations similar to yours. It seems that life is so unfair--here you are willing to do just about anything for her and she doesn't even know it.

I think the only way to deal with this is to keep reminding yourself that your mom is sick. She is no longer the mom that you remember, and her actions are not reflective of your mom's true feelings.

As long as you have other people checking on her, I think you should realize that you mom doesn't know whether you have called or not.

I hope you have someone that you can trust who can help you through this.

One thing to remind yourself is that you also have a responsibility to yourself and the rest of your family to take care of YOU.

 

[kacaju]

I have friends in situations similar to yours. It seems that life is so unfair--here you are willing to do just about anything for her and she doesn't even know it.

I think the only way to deal with this is to keep reminding yourself that your mom is sick. She is no longer the mom that you remember, and her actions are not reflective of your mom's true feelings.

As long as you have other people checking on her, I think you should realize that you mom doesn't know whether you have called or not.

I hope you have someone that you can trust who can help you through this.

One thing to remind yourself is that you also have a responsibility to yourself and the rest of your family to take care of YOU.

thank you...what eats at me is she DOES know what is going on.. she is not at the stage of not knowing...she knows she can't remember things...she deep down knows she needs help but she is also more afraid of moving to the unknown...what happens if she moves and doesn't like it? That is what she is worried about, and having the brother there who promises her that he will *NEVER LOCK HER UP* like I want to and HE will take care of her...this is where the problem comes in.. She wants to believe him and who wouldn't? I certainly would rather live with my kids and have them take care of me then move somewhere else.. He is interested in 1 thing and 1 thing only...keeping his free room/board and food.
He is a very good alcoholic...full of empty promises and the *I will never do it again* crap.

 

[kacaju]

Well, it has been a month now and Mom really is not talking to me.. I think..she is very nervous to say anything to me because she knows my feelings towards my brother and so instead of opening up and talking to me she shuts down and will only give me short answers. No small talk at all with her anymore.
What I never mentioned in my first post (since I was more upset over the way she did speak to me)
She has not showered in months...her excuse was she could not get into her bathtub She never told any of us for the longest time and the idiot that lives with her doesn't seem bothered that the woman has not cleaned herself. I honestly feel she is too afraid to try anymore. So the brother finally did get around to getting a shower stall installed.

I told my SIL, she will not use it...Sure enough.. she told SIL she *doesn't like* the new shower stall. So all that work and money going into the bathroom and she still can't shower.

 

[manning]

OP what state are in??

 

[kacaju]

We both are in NJ

 

[mdvlprof]

Does your mom think AL is a nursing home?
Mom's living in one. 1 br apt. Can eat in dining room or can cook for herself. Aide makes sure she takes meds, and comes by once a day to see if she needs help with showering, etc.
Lots of activities and outings that she can go to or not, if she wants.

 

[kacaju]

Does your mom think AL is a nursing home?
Mom's living in one. 1 br apt. Can eat in dining room or can cook for herself. Aide makes sure she takes meds, and comes by once a day to see if she needs help with showering, etc.
Lots of activities and outings that she can go to or not, if she wants.

She did a respice at an AL.. she did like it...but she is too afraid of leaving the alcoholic brother.. he has no place to go...no place to live and he has her so brainwashed that what he is doing is the right thing.. and I am evil. They both are horribly co dependant on each other it is so very sad...in the end.. she is the one who gets hurt over and over because all she wants to do is believe he will change and if they could *just get along* and he would do things for her they could be happy living together and she would not have to leave her home.

 

[mdvlprof]

She needs to get away from him, for her safety.

DS caregiver would agree. Her mom had adult son [alcoholic] living with her. One day she said 'no' to giving money [didn't have any at the time]. Argument ensued. Son got violent and beat her up. DS caregiver missed a couple weeks of work, because the mom was too scared to be alone -- even with restraining order.

 

[kacaju]

She needs to get away from him, for her safety.

I agree 100%...Just I have not been able to make that happen at all. Believe me when I say I have tried...adult protective services/ Dr's have basically told me she is an adult and even though we know she has some dementia issues, she is not *gone enough* to have me take guardianship of her and she is free to make bad choices on how she wants to live.

The only thing that happens when I try to really help her is I end up getting hurt and she takes it out on me. Which is what happened a month ago and I had to walk away. It kills me.. this has been going on for a year to two years now.. she is not getting any better and I hate to even admit this out loud...but I wish something would happen to HIM..I think that is the only way I will even get her help...or when something happens to her...and right now I'd rather see him get hurt then her.

 

[MomRN]

As a nurse, I see this situation often. Family lives off their relatives, although it's truly not safe. However, if she is still competent, there's not much anyone can do. Be there for her, eventually she will realize she needs it.

 

[kacaju]

Quick update. Mom is getting worse (really no surprise) We hired an agency to come in and help her 4 days a week. She stopped showering and she is not eating right. We recently found out she had not changed her sheets in months.
The idiot is still there and they fought us tooth and nail last week over having someone come in, but we held our ground and basically said...tough...My brother that has the POA is going to visit her today (I was there Friday..with the aid) and the aid is a lovey woman..mom seemed to like her. Mom is still telling us she is ok and doesn't need help because the idiot can help her....which would be great...if he really DID help!

 

[CTDisneyfan816]

Long story short'
Mom has dementia, Mom lives with freeloading alcoholic brother who claims he takes care of her (which he does not)

Mom NEEDS to be in an Assisted Living place where her needs can be met. Brother underminds the rest of us (siblings) and is keeping mom at home so he can live his freeloading life.

Mom has no interest in anything my kids do as far as activities so I do not see her as much because my weekends are pretty much booked up.

Over the weekend Mom decided she wanted to go to the ALP and by yesterday changed her mind (a pattern she does all the time, because the brother talks her out of it)

So yesterday I was accused of...not caring about her, wanting to *put her away, because I have no time for her. and maybe I should stop doing so much for my children. oh and being told why is it ok for ME to have a life...but I am not OK with her having a life...

I know in my heart this is the brother talking not her.. know with the Dementia she ill...it is the end of school year...I work in a school.. I am so over booked right now due to normal end of school year stuff. (and this week is the worse) and this just really hit me hard. I go out of my way to schedule Dr appts for her and help out as much as I can.
It just really, really hurt

Sorry about all of this. My Grandmother has advanced dementia. We finally had her placed in an assisted living place two weeks ago. It got to the point where she was calling the kids asking to "go home" even though she was home. She had no idea where she was. She would walk out of the place she lived (an over 55 community) and walk up the street and someone would have to get her. One thing about dementia patients which you are experiencing now is that they go though a mean period. I know it's hard but try not to take it personally. The sad thing is often times they really aren't aware of what they are saying or doing.

 

[CTDisneyfan816]

Quick update. Mom is getting worse (really no surprise) We hired an agency to come in and help her 4 days a week. She stopped showering and she is not eating right. We recently found out she had not changed her sheets in months.
The idiot is still there and they fought us tooth and nail last week over having someone come in, but we held our ground and basically said...tough...My brother that has the POA is going to visit her today (I was there Friday..with the aid) and the aid is a lovey woman..mom seemed to like her. Mom is still telling us she is ok and doesn't need help because the idiot can help her....which would be great...if he really DID help!

This sounds so much like what was happening with my Grandmother. And my Grandmother (now 94) should have been in an assisted living facility several years ago, but my mother's siblings fought it and said it would be "cruel" to ship her off to one of those places, but yet it was my mother that was doing most of the caring of her. Finally my mother forced the issue. And like your mother, she also stopped changing clothes, sheets and sometimes even forgot to eat. Even with aids there more frequently. As hard as it is, there comes a time where there really is no choice but to place them in an assisted living place. It isn't cruel, it is giving them the help they need.

 

[kacaju]

This sounds so much like what was happening with my Grandmother. And my Grandmother (now 94) should have been in an assisted living facility several years ago, but my mother's siblings fought it and said it would be "cruel" to ship her off to one of those places, but yet it was my mother that was doing most of the caring of her. Finally my mother forced the issue. And like your mother, she also stopped changing clothes, sheets and sometimes even forgot to eat. Even with aids there more frequently. As hard as it is, there comes a time where there really is no choice but to place them in an assisted living place. It isn't cruel, it is giving them the help they need.

Thanks....It really means a lot to have others understand. We have plans to get her into a home...just not sure because the idiot is in our way.