My daughter's Relationship with her Boyfriend

[kirbsam]

maybe she just wants to enjoy this and doesnt need to be looking for the one right now. i dont see her as wasting her time with him, unless she wants to find her husband right now. let her enjoy him, and when she is ready to move on she will.

 

[rie'smom]

My husband, then boyfriend, told me he was in lust with me. It wasn't the best moment of my life. I thought we could have more and stuck around-lust isn't all bad.
On Feb 14th of this year, we celebrated 30 years of being together. This Dec. 26th will be our 28th wedding anniversary. He's told me that he made the lust comment because he was scared of his intense feelings for me-so you never know with the boyfriend, myaybe it's the same with him.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

My daughter has been dating someone for about six months. They both care very much for each other. In being very honest about their relationship, he told her that he does not see them together after he graduates this coming May. He wants to start his life as a journalist and I believe he doesn’t see himself with anyone at that time. They are both 21 years old so they are both young.

My daughter doesn’t know if she should end the relationship now or enjoy it until May. I told her to stay and have fun with this person she cares so much for.

What do you think?

I wouldn't waste my time. Then again, I never got into any relationship in order to "have fun". Just not my priority is all. Yes fun is good and I enjoy doing fun things with a boyfriend (well I did before I was married, lol) but that is not at the top of my list of what I wanted in a boyfriend AT ALL. So I would have broken off the romantic relationship and remained friends if I felt that was a good idea.

 

[rascalmom]

If this was my daughter and if she asked for my advice, I would say that she should move on.

This young man wants something else besides a relationship at this time in his life. He was honest and upfront with her about that.

She should take that for what it probably is - a warning that he will dump her at the end of the year.

Why waste the time - she is in college? She has more opportunity now to meet new people and have fun.....why wait until HE is done with her?

It may hurt her now because she cares for the guy, but it will hurt her more in another year.

 

[Golf4food]

I think if she does keep seeing him that she should also be open to seeing other people during that same time period - he's more or less broken up with her already. Even if she wants to stay friends - or more than - she should at least consider the future and explore other options.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm weird, I have no problem admitting it. Why not let your daughter decide? I don't understand why it has to be going somewhere. She's young she is having fun and enjoying and yes he told her that he will probably want to break up when he graduates. Why can't they still date and enjoy each other? Dating doesn't always have to lead to forever, it can just be enjoying going out and enjoying that person's company and having fun. If it's meant to be it'll happen and if not her real love will come along at some point.

I'm weird, too, Tina. Then again, I grew up with a mother who told me, "You don't have to want to marry every man you date. Go, have dinner, have fun."

This young man seems like he has been very honest with the OP's dd and to me, that is a huge point in his favor. If she were my dd, I'd tell her "Stay friends, go out, enjoy his company--but don't start planning your wedding." Who knows what will happen over the next year? They're both very young and have plenty of time.

 

[bicker]

... They are both 21 years old so they are both young. ... My daughter doesn’t know if she should end the relationship now or enjoy it until May. I told her to stay and have fun with this person she cares so much for. What do you think?

I think you're a very wise and supportive parent.

 

[bicker]

If she doesn't mean that much to him that he's planning on breaking up with her in a year, I just don't see that as being worth it.

I got married when I was about 30 years old. The relationships I had prior to that were substantial experiences that helped form me as a mature adult. One of these relationships, incidentally, was with someone with whom I maintain a valued friendship today. Unless the daughter has some driving need to get married now, why would she turn aside a potentially enriching relationship, one that could turn into a lifelong supportive friendship? If the daughter, at 21, has some driving need to get married now, well I'd be more concerned about that, quite frankly, than about staying with a guy who's being honest with her.

 

[bicker]

If he knows he doesn't care enough about her to be with her in a year why should she "wait around" for him to break her heart?

That also doesn't compute for me. My wife and I broke up -- decided to no longer be with each other -- about 3/4 of the way through our courtship. We turned our back on our relationship, not just projected that we would perhaps do so. Then, our hearts and minds changed (or perhaps being apart helped us understand how we really felt), and we've been the happiest people on the planet for almost twenty years.

No one knows their own heart* so well as to know how they'll feel about something, at some point in the future, unless they convince themselves to be closed-minded about the issue.

* or anyone else's, for that matter...

 

[bicker]

I agree. At 21 neither one of them should be looking for "The One". He was just being honest by saying outloud the things he is thinking.

Honesty and openness is perhaps one of the most important aspects of any loving relationship.

I'm really surprised at the responses so far. I don't think breaking up now will hurt less than breaking up further down the road. Break-ups suck!

I'm not sure I buy into that, but rather the way I see it is that breaking up later, having thought all the way through that this was definitely going to be "forever" would hurt a lot more (because of the feeling of deception) than breaking up later having had an honest and open dialog all the way through about feelings about and plans for the future. Break-ups suck worse when they're a big shock.

 

[Disney Ella]

Don't underestimate how serious people in their 20's take relationships. I have three kids in their early 20's. I'd say hanging on for a year could cause her to become much more attached and serious and then hurt. Move on. If he could change his mind he'd do it now when she ends it and he is still in the area.

I agree. If she stays and starts deluding herself that he'll see how great everything is and change his mind, she'll be devastated when he breaks up with her. I don't see why being a reporter means they can't still be together if he really cared about her, but obviously he doesn't see a future with her. I would be insulted if someone told me I was good enough for now, but in the future he planned on someone better coming along, which is essentially what he is saying.

 

[PrincessParty]

I'm weird, I have no problem admitting it. Why not let your daughter decide? I don't understand why it has to be going somewhere. She's young she is having fun and enjoying and yes he told her that he will probably want to break up when he graduates. Why can't they still date and enjoy each other? Dating doesn't always have to lead to forever, it can just be enjoying going out and enjoying that person's company and having fun. If it's meant to be it'll happen and if not her real love will come along at some point.

Ditto (I am weird too!)

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would say buh bye. Why waste time being the good time girl? Let her move on and enjoy the start of her career and life too. They can still be friendly but why should she limit herself if he is not that interested so to speak. While I think it stinks for your DD I think it is good that he was honest with her and not stringing her along. Wish him well and move on. She has the whole world waiting for her!

 

[Todd&Copper]

I'm weird, I have no problem admitting it. Why not let your daughter decide? I don't understand why it has to be going somewhere. She's young she is having fun and enjoying and yes he told her that he will probably want to break up when he graduates. Why can't they still date and enjoy each other? Dating doesn't always have to lead to forever, it can just be enjoying going out and enjoying that person's company and having fun. If it's meant to be it'll happen and if not her real love will come along at some point.

If you are weird, then I am, too. When I was a junior in college, I was dating a 3rd year law student. I knew that once he finished school, he was moving on and it would be "over". We continued going out until the week after his final exams, then he went off to study for the bar and I went home for the summer and had a blast with my friends. I was 20 or 21 and was not looking for "forever" - I was looking for a good time and that is what I had.

 

[RitaE]

If it were my daughter I'd tell her that if she occasionally wants to go out and have dinner with him or whatever, fine.

But she needs to also be dating other guys and building her life separate from him. An exclusive intense relationship is obviously not on the books in his eyes for the moment so it really shouldn't be for her either.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I say if she wants to hang out with him and go get a beer, OK. But I don't think she should restrict herself to just him either.
My sister dated a boy for 3 years in college (he went to another school). A week after she graduated she went to see him and he broke up with her. So for 3 years she had passed up all of the dating opportunity at college, only to be single and jobless in our small hometown.
That summer, DH (who I met at age 17--I was 20 by then) started making noise about needing space, etc. I flat out told him fine, but if you are going to leave, leave now while I am still in college and it is easy for me to meet eligible guys. That actually shook him up! He rethought what he "needed" and we're still together-- 5 1/2 years dating plus 22 years of marriage this Saturday.
So maybe if the OP's daughter sits this guy down and says "let's be friends and date other people", either that's what will happen, or the guy will realize he's making a mistake. You know that old cheesy quote 'if you love someone set him free...." It's so cheesy I can't type the rest of it out! But what someone else said is true, if a breakup is certainty, why put it off.
Robin M.

 

[alldiz]

He is being honest now. Believe what he's telling her. If she stays in the relationship hoping he will change his mind she's only setting herself up for a big disappointment.

I'm with the others, end it now.

I agree.....let her enjoy her last yr of school meeting new people.
I applaud him for being honest.....and she needs to believe him.
Kerri

 

[ilovefishsticks4]

Honestly, why waste your time one someone like that when you could be meeting the love of your life. Nope I wouldnt want my daughter to waste one more second on this person. Sorry.

well it is fun, and whats the rush to meet the love of your life at only 21?

 

[Disney Doll]

I admire his honesty. And since we weren't privy to the actual conversation, I cannot assume that what he said or implied was "You can be my good time girl until I'm done with you".

I would advise (not tell)my DD that she should thank him for his honesty and that perhaps she should consider broadening her options with men, but keep this one as a friend...someone to date occasionally, or go out with in groups...rather than have him be an "exclusive" person in her life. If they have a deep level of "physical intimacy", I'd probably advise her to back off on that, only because, for many women, physical intimacy translates to emotional intimacy, which will still lead her to believe she can "change" his mind. Men do not so much equate physical and emotional intimacy.

I do not believe that at age 21 one should be looking for a life mate necessarily. Certainly, if one meets someone they could consider to be a life mate, it's not terrible, but your life isn't over if you aren't married in your 20's.

I dated several men in my 20's...some serious, some not. Each of those relationships during that time taught me something else about what I wanted in a man, and more importantly, what I didn't want in a man.

 

[Nancyg56]

If it were my daughter I'd tell her that if she occasionally wants to go out and have dinner with him or whatever, fine.

But she needs to also be dating other guys and building her life separate from him. An exclusive intense relationship is obviously not on the books in his eyes for the moment so it really shouldn't be for her either.

This is exactly what I would say. Then I would say nothing else. Go out, have fun enjoy your life and continue to make friends. Let him do the same.