My parents are supporting my sister and it's driving me CrAzY!!

[doxdogy]

My mom and dad did the same for my useless younger sister. Did I resent? Yes, at times I did resent it. Especially when we found out after my father died this past August that he had sent her over 72k in the last 5 years. But it was his money and could do with what he wanted. However, my father did realize that after he was gone that my husband and I or my brother and his wife would not take her in and that she was on her own now.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Not sure if OP's religious, but the thing that just kept coming up in my mind was the parable about the workers a land owner hired at daybreak to do an agreed upon job in the fields for an agreed upon wage. At midday, the land owner brought in a few more men to work in the fields for the same pay as the ones who worked all day. Of course it isn't fair, but the story illustrates how life isn't fair, and sometimes the reward isn't in the here and now.

I remember my mom always telling us life wasn't fair, and not to compare our situations to others. As a parent, I try to impress upon my kids I'm not going by some standard of "fair" or "the same as", but by what is "right" for that child in that moment. It's hard. I can tell you my sisters and I stay out of how mom and dad run their finances. It's not any of my business, and I could not care less how they spend their money. I'm also not expecting to receive a cent, even though I could be blown away by how much they leave us girls when they die. I really have NO idea how much money they have.

I feel your pain, but I agree with the others who say nothing good can come from spinning your wheels on it. Try to remember you are the dependable one (again, that parable of the prodigal son comes to mind too...) Hang in there, your reward is elsewhere.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

This is what I think. It is not the "things", it's knowing that your sister is
the favorite, the darling, the preferred one. I have lived it and it hurts.
And I think that is what really bothers you--and deservedly so.

Yes, I think you hit my feelings. I have been pondering this. B/c I really want to just let it go. And I think your right. It does come down to this.

Maybe now that I understand how I feel, I can find a way to let go of those feelings and stop thinking about it.

Thanks ladies and gents..I appreciate your input!

 

[Cindy B]

Yeah, not going to happen in my case. I was told I don't need help because I'm not as fragile.

Ohh.. I've heard that one as well.

My sister got:

rent free for three years
free childcare for three years

Did I get anything ? NO!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, I think you hit my feelings. I have been pondering this. B/c I really want to just let it go. And I think your right. It does come down to this.

Maybe now that I understand how I feel, I can find a way to let go of those feelings and stop thinking about it.

Thanks ladies and gents..I appreciate your input!

Of course it does. It brings up every time that the "golden child" got preferred treatment in your life.

You know as you get older you have this notion that it was going to end and things would be "fair".

Letting it all go is the only thing you can do. Allowing them to make YOU miserable is just adding salt to it.

 

[daisax]

I did not work for that money.. I did not scrimp and save like they did in order to be very secure financially.. Of course my dad is gone now - and my mom doesn't have any money left (she's 90 - has Alzheimer's - and is living in a nursing home).. But if they were both healthy now, Dad was still alive, and they were still finanically secure, I would never "expect" anything at all from them - nor would I feel as though I had the right to determine "who" or "what" they spent their hard earned money on..

That's all very true, but there's also a feeling, I'm sure, as "the responsible one" that should the parents fall on hard times that "the responsible one" will be picking up the pieces. With the added spectre of the parents being angry/hurt if "the responsible one" doesn't want to also support "the helpless one."

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

I would honestly not think much about it only because it's my parents money to do with as they would like. Nor is it my place to question. My own folks did something like you described for my older brother. I didn't begrudge them that. Don't put any more thought into the situation and let it be .

I agree with this.
Let it go. At least you can hold your head up high and know what you have you did on your own. Something they can not do.

it is not any of your business what your mom and dad do with thier money and land. That is just my honset opion

 

[MinnieMe87]

While I understand that it is hard to see your sister getting to do things you cannot do, you would do better to spend less time thinking about what you don't have and be happy for what you do have. Maybe your sister is getting preferential treatment. It happens. This probably won't be the last time you experience something like this in life. You can be resentful or your can be grateful. I'd go with the grateful thing. There are many, many people who have a lot bigger issues and would be glad to trade their issues for yours. Be happy you have your parents. I lost both my parents at a young age. I'd be happy to have them no matter what the situation. I'm not trying to be mean...Just a little tough love.

I totally agree! The more you dwell on this, the more time you'll waste that you never get back. I understand you are upset and you have every right to be a little miffed, but I agree with Peg...be grateful for what you do have.

 

[winnapooh]

Yes, I think you hit my feelings. I have been pondering this. B/c I really want to just let it go. And I think your right. It does come down to this.

Maybe now that I understand how I feel, I can find a way to let go of those feelings and stop thinking about it.

Thanks ladies and gents..I appreciate your input!

I understand what you are going through (and don't really think the people that are telling you about "tough love" really understand...but anyways...). My brother was treated in a similar manner, getting to live rent free, etc. And my parents do not have the means to support him. Yet they did. They supported him when he kept quitting jobs, quitting school, moving home, move out, quit job, move back in, and over and over. They let him shop in their pantry, they paid for things for him, and on and on. Growing up, he was the headache child. Yet he was allowed to get a drivers license at 16, borrow the car, had insurance paid for, well...you get the picture.

I was the straight A child, never got in trouble (quite seriously never did). Yet I wasn't allowed to get a drivers license til I was 20 (and a year from graduating from college, which I am still paying for), didn't have anything paid for (after high school), etc. My parents did buy me a used car when I went to graduate school.

I guess my parents thought I could handle life and my brother couldn't, I'm not sure. My parents do a lot for me, and I appreciate everything they do (i.e., they helped us move, dogsit for us...). They certainly have done a lot more for my brother (monetarily and other). And it used to eat me up inside when I thought about it; because in reality, I know I'm the one that will be taking care of my parents when the tables turn. And I know that is my responsibility and am more than willing to do it. However, it does leave a sour taste; all the times in high school when my parents couldn't come to my sports games, yet they never missed my brothers. Those are the kinds of things that bother me more than the monetary issues.

I've learned to just deal with it, but it's not easy to feel like you did something wrong, or you aren't good enough to get the same treatment as a sibling. When it comes down to it, I guess it's good to be the one that was able to support themselves, and the one that family can depend on down the road. It's still hard to deal with the feelings of jealousy sometimes though, and you aren't in the wrong for feeling like that. I'm sure a lot of people do. We all just have to learn how to deal with it, and realize that in the end, we do have it better. We aren't dependent on other people.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are in the same situation (his sister has mooched of his parents for so very long...and we will be the ones to take care of his parents when the time comes, as we've already been told that his mom expects to move in with us in the future). It's funny how it works...we are lucky to get one visit a year from his mom (his stepdad doesn't even bother to come); we get small token Christmas gifts, no phone calls, etc.). His sister gets help with bills and rent, computers, extra money, many visits (from both her mom and stepdad), etc. but we are going to have to make provisions for his mom to live with us, since that's what was told is expected of us. We'd never turn her away, but it's hard that my husband doesn't get to spend time with his mom now; we're not concerned with the monetary side. (And before anyone asks...there's been too many times we've gone there to visit and she's only been able to spend a hour or so with us (over the course of a several day visit) because she has better things to do, and I'm not talking about working).

My long, drawn out point is that you are allowed to be upset about it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling bad. You just have to come to realize, in time, that you are better off. She is probably secretly jealous of you for your independent life (though I'm sure she'd never admit it).

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

I know how you feel. It's perfectly normal to be resentful and jealous but you have to stop dwelling on it. It's not going to change anything and it's just going to make you feel worse.

My sister is 9 years younger than me. We have completely different parents. Same people just completely different parenting styles. They have done things for her that they never did for me. I am happy with the knowledge that I can depend on myself and that I don't need to depend on anyone else.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

sounds like my family. My parents have been paying my sister rent for years and when they finally said they were cutting off she was pregnant and they couldnt. My parents always say stuff like thank god your not an idiot like her.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

I understand what you are going through (and don't really think the people that are telling you about "tough love" really understand...but anyways...). My brother was treated in a similar manner, getting to live rent free, etc. And my parents do not have the means to support him. Yet they did. They supported him when he kept quitting jobs, quitting school, moving home, move out, quit job, move back in, and over and over. They let him shop in their pantry, they paid for things for him, and on and on. Growing up, he was the headache child. Yet he was allowed to get a drivers license at 16, borrow the car, had insurance paid for, well...you get the picture.

I was the straight A child, never got in trouble (quite seriously never did). Yet I wasn't allowed to get a drivers license til I was 20 (and a year from graduating from college, which I am still paying for), didn't have anything paid for (after high school), etc. My parents did buy me a used car when I went to graduate school.

I guess my parents thought I could handle life and my brother couldn't, I'm not sure. My parents do a lot for me, and I appreciate everything they do (i.e., they helped us move, dogsit for us...). They certainly have done a lot more for my brother (monetarily and other). And it used to eat me up inside when I thought about it; because in reality, I know I'm the one that will be taking care of my parents when the tables turn. And I know that is my responsibility and am more than willing to do it. However, it does leave a sour taste; all the times in high school when my parents couldn't come to my sports games, yet they never missed my brothers. Those are the kinds of things that bother me more than the monetary issues.

I've learned to just deal with it, but it's not easy to feel like you did something wrong, or you aren't good enough to get the same treatment as a sibling. When it comes down to it, I guess it's good to be the one that was able to support themselves, and the one that family can depend on down the road. It's still hard to deal with the feelings of jealousy sometimes though, and you aren't in the wrong for feeling like that. I'm sure a lot of people do. We all just have to learn how to deal with it, and realize that in the end, we do have it better. We aren't dependent on other people.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are in the same situation (his sister has mooched of his parents for so very long...and we will be the ones to take care of his parents when the time comes, as we've already been told that his mom expects to move in with us in the future). It's funny how it works...we are lucky to get one visit a year from his mom (his stepdad doesn't even bother to come); we get small token Christmas gifts, no phone calls, etc.). His sister gets help with bills and rent, computers, extra money, many visits (from both her mom and stepdad), etc. but we are going to have to make provisions for his mom to live with us, since that's what was told is expected of us. We'd never turn her away, but it's hard that my husband doesn't get to spend time with his mom now; we're not concerned with the monetary side. (And before anyone asks...there's been too many times we've gone there to visit and she's only been able to spend a hour or so with us (over the course of a several day visit) because she has better things to do, and I'm not talking about working).
My long, drawn out point is that you are allowed to be upset about it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling bad. You just have to come to realize, in time, that you are better off. She is probably secretly jealous of you for your independent life (though I'm sure she'd never admit it).

this is how it is in my family to. I will be the one to help my parents and my mil while all the others kids do nothing.

 

[Mama of Indybride]

It is difficult at times not to let those inequalities we are faced with drag us down, but I tell myself this:

Be thankful you still have a mother (parents) to care for and at times be irritated by, because so many people would give anything for one more minute with their parents.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel some ill feelings over this. If there was unemployment, maybe an illness that would be so different. But to see them, doing fun things that are quite pricey, all while they have free lodging is hard to swallow. Although are you sure maybe they aren't paying rent?

In the end, rant away to anybody but your parents!

And who knows your parents might even things up in the end. When my husband's grandparents will was read, imagine how surprised my fil was that after all his years of "borrowing" and never paying back, his mom kept track and his sister got more! Grandma was happy to loan and help out, and happy to keep very good records, right down to her son signing the IOU's! She knew she'd be dead and gone and wouldn't have to see his temper fit when the right thing was done!

And then for some, the mooching continues on beyond death...

My Mom is the oldest of 5 sisters with one older brother. My grandparents bought a legal 2-family house over 40 years ago. My married uncle and his wife lived in one unit and my grandparents and 4 unmarried aunts lived in another. My Mom was married by then. My Mom and Dad had a good business by then and they paid for the entire down payment for the house and helped out occasionally with the mortgage. My 3 oldest aunts worked and helped pay off the entire mortgage. One by one they all married and moved out. Grandmother died. Grandfather had a stoke.

I don't know if my uncle was suppose to pay rent in the beginning but I know they lived rent-free for over 20 years. Even the utilities were paid by my grandfather. There was no one to take care of my grandfather even though my uncle lived upstairs. He moved in with my family and I took care of all his finances. The house was mortgage free but he had to pay for ALL of the maintenance, utilities and upkeep. My uncle would call ME if there was a clogged drain or whatever. I would have to send my Dad over to fix something or call a plumber to go over and arrange payment. It really burned me and my Mom up - he was WORST than any tenant we had. And they were SLOBS and totally trashed the house.

When my grandfather died, his only asset was the house which he left in equal parts to his 6 children. My Mom was the executor of his estate. My uncle and his wife thought they should have gotten 100% of the house. They refused to let anyone into the house - no appraisers, realtors, repairman, or prospective buyers. The house was a MESS and would need $$$$ to fix up.

The solution was we bought them a 2 bedroom apartment free and clear around the corner, spent more $$ renovating it, told them they were getting that or nothing, and sold the house cheap (interior) sight unseen as-is to an investor that was going to renovate and flip the house. After all the expenses were paid to get my uncle out of the house, there was less than 50% of the money left. Then the remaining siblings split the remainder by 5. It was suppose to be a 16.6% split among the siblings but it turned out uncle got over 50% and the rest got less than 10% each. As executor, Mom had to get all her sisters to agree to the cut.

I know my Mom was resentful at one point because as the most responsible child, all the headaches of the family fell to her. My parents were REALLY busy during those years because business was not good. She felt guilty that she didn't spend as much time for grandfather either even though he lived with us. They traveled a lot. We hired a full time care giver (out of our own pockets) to cook and look after my grandfather. Only one aunt ever helped pay for the caregiver and only for a few months. I lived at home so I was also there. I worked out of a home office in my parents place. This arrangement lasted for years.

I LOVED my Grandfather sooooo much and I am so glad that I got to spend so much time with him at the end. Family is tricky and nothing is fair. But like others mentioned, sometimes, there is nothing to do but let go. I know my Mom is still having trouble letting go of her guilt of not being there physically for my grandfather the last 2 years. It helps that he was in good hands (me).

My long, drawn out point is that you are allowed to be upset about it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling bad. You just have to come to realize, in time, that you are better off. She is probably secretly jealous of you for your independent life (though I'm sure she'd never admit it).

Just be glad that you have the ability to support yourself. When the parent piggy bank dries out, will they really be in a good financial position?

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

My little sister has been the darling since she was born. It's funny to watch old home videos from when she was a baby. There are hours and hours of her laying there doing nothing while there are about 5 minutes total of me and my older sister, begging our parents to film us.

It's 24 years later, and it's still the same. My little sister has never had a job for more than a couple of months and she's 24. She drives a brand-new SUV and has never made a payment on any of the many new cars my parents have bought her - much less paid any on the insurance.

Our Christmas is usually one modest gift apiece for my older sister and I, while my little sister opens tons of high dollar gifts, i.e. electric guitars, amps, etc.

It has pretty much stopped hurting my feelings over the years. I've decided their relationship is twisted and I'm better off.

 

[shortbun]

I would honestly not think much about it only because it's my parents money to do with as they would like. Nor is it my place to question. My own folks did something like you described for my older brother. I didn't begrudge them that. Don't put any more thought into the situation and let it be .

My parents never tried to show favoritism but they did to all of us at some time or another. I agree with Rick, try to treat it like it's not your business. Let it go or it will ruin your family relationship. You seem fine so what are you worried about. If there's something you need or want, I'd guess all you had to do would be ask and your parents would be there for you too. Do you want to move into their rental house? lol! I thought not, let it go!!!