Nephew...army...wedding...what to do?

[clh2]

hi everyone!

Just need some thoughts from all of you, need a well-thought our solution.

My nephew who is in the Army, just got married this past weekend. This was a surprise to everyone except their parents. The reason given was they did this for spouse benefits. They had been engaged, and are still plannng on having a wedding celebration next June, on the date that would have been their wedding/reception.

Not that it matters-I adore this nephew, and his new bride is so sweet. They’ve have been dating for 6 years or maybe longer. And, perhaps it may matter, bride is still in college, and groom is about 1200 miles away, I think she graduates in either December 2018 or May of 2019.

So, what do I do for a wedding gift? Do I take the amount of money that I would normally spend on a shower gift and wedding gift and split it up Into a wedding gift, shower gift and reception gift? Or do I just send a fun card, perhaps a really small gift, and then just spend my normal amount on a shower gift, with their main gift at their reception in June?

I am really wanting to acknowledge their wedding properly, but I am not sure that is what they want, and since our DD is getting married in January, I am feeling really broke right now, which complicates things too.

So should I split up my total amount into 2 smaller wedding cash gifts plus the shower gift? Or just do the shower gift and then the bigger wedding gift in June?

I know I am overthinking this...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't think I'd worry about a shower gift. I'd just send a check with a nice card for their wedding gift.

When and if there is an actual wedding ceremony in June, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe give a shower-type gift then. It's just an unusual situation so there's probably no right answer. But I don't think you can really depend on them having a ceremony later, lots can happen between now and then, so that's why I'd give them a reasonable wedding gift now.

BTW, what are spousal benefits, especially if she's living 1200 miles away?? I thought it was housing?

 

[gotomu212]

I’d do the normal wedding gift now to congratulate them on being married, and then you can do a smaller token gift if they have a reception later.

My cousin did something similar before going on active duty and even though they kept saying the wedding/reception was going to happen in a year, it never came together. Once they were married for several months they realized they’d rather just save their money and use it towards a house.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’d do the normal wedding gift now to congratulate them on being married, and then you can do a smaller token gift if they have a reception later.

My cousin did something similar before going on active duty and even though they kept saying the wedding/reception was going to happen in a year, it never came together. Once they were married for several months they realized they’d rather just save their money and use it towards a house.

This is what I'm thinking. Or it could be any number of things.

 

[ronandannette]

I think both of the previous replies are a very reasonable course of action. If you're still not confident why don't you ask the groom's parents? Be forthright with your uncertainty and find out if they know whether the couple has any specific preferences or expectations.

 

[AuntieMe3]

I agree with previous posters. A gift and card now as their later celebration may not happen. My husband was in the military when we met and we married before our planned(not planned...if that makes sense...lol)wedding date on a trip to Vegas(spontaneous...not planned!) 20 years later and we have yet to have our big family wedding celebration.

 

[AuntieMe3]

BTW, what are spousal benefits, especially if she's living 1200 miles away?? I thought it was housing?

Medical benefits and some extra pay, I'm assuming.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I would send a gift now. The June thing might not come together, for a variety of reasons. Plus, they're young and apart, and could probably use the money--and the family love and support. It doesn't sound like an easy road that they're on, and frankly, it's refreshing to see a young couple truly in love, who aren't looking for a "gift grab".

 

[Nancyg56]

I woudl just send my gift now. I always tailor my gift giving to suit individual circumstances, and od not worry if I follow "procedure." My nieces got married in July and they did not get a gift from us. They are joining us next December for a DIsney vacation, and we asked if they wanted to have us give them a portion for their wedding gift. Yes! They do not know how much we plan to gift them, and did not ask. My daughter did the same. What they do nto know is that we plan to pay their entire trip. We told them to choose the resort and they kind of think that is their present, becuase I did nto want to hear them try to save by renting a campground or an air BnB. LOL!

 

[MrsDuck]

I'd send the gift now and call it a day. If they have a reception later, I'd give a nice card and maybe something small and personalized for their home.

 

[cinnaminny]

I’d do the normal wedding gift now to congratulate them on being married, and then you can do a smaller token gift if they have a reception later.

My cousin did something similar before going on active duty and even though they kept saying the wedding/reception was going to happen in a year, it never came together. Once they were married for several months they realized they’d rather just save their money and use it towards a house.

This exactly! I hopefully when they have their celebration next June they will register at Target or something and you can get them something they need that is not very expensive.

 

[Pre]

When my husband and I got married I had many people send a "big" gift when we announced our engagement, and then gave a card only at our wedding. It did not bother me to have only one gift, the family support and love was all that mattered to me. I agree with most other people send the gift now, and if the reception happens in June, a card would be sufficient.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Just send money.

 

[DLgal]

Save ALL gifts for the big family/friends reception.

My husband and I did this same thing. Got married about 9 months before our Disney wedding. We also did it for the benefits (mainly so I could get health insurance and get off Cobra, but also for the housing allowance). I was living with my parents in CA and working while he attended his training schools on the East coast and Oklahoma.

We did not get any gifts until our celebratory wedding. We didn't even do a registry until well after our legal wedding. For what it's worth, we celebrate our anniversary on the date of the Disney wedding. We barely acknowledge the "legal" wedding date.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Medical benefits and some extra pay, I'm assuming.

And the ability to handle things back home, like bank accounts and bills and paychecks. Plus, God forbid, anything bad happens, she'll be the first notified, not his parents.

I wouldn't send a large material gift now, as they are going to be apart for a time. They may not have a place to store them, if she's still in college and he's in barracks. Cash or a gift card would be good, so they can use it now or bank it for later. So maybe a small gift now, and a larger gift later, when they are together?

 

[Disflyer226]

Save ALL gifts for the big family/friends reception.

My husband and I did this same thing. Got married about 9 months before our Disney wedding. We also did it for the benefits (mainly so I could get health insurance and get off Cobra, but also for the housing allowance). I was living with my parents in CA and working while he attended his training schools on the East coast and Oklahoma.

We did not get any gifts until our celebratory wedding. We didn't even do a registry until well after our legal wedding. For what it's worth, we celebrate our anniversary on the date of the Disney wedding. We barely acknowledge the "legal" wedding date.

I had a nephew in a similar situation as the OP. Two years later, we're still waiting for the big church wedding and family reception, that is never going to happen. We're glad we sent our big gift at the time of the marriage.