Not Taking a Special Needs Child on a Trip

[Mike Bartenhagen]

I know this forum usually has discusions about taking your child to WDW but I am wondering how others feel about not taking you child on a trip. I am especially interested in responses from parents with older SN children. We have three kids. Two typical girls that are 6 and 8 and our SN son Broc who is 3 and has Infantile Spasms which cause him to have about 100 seizures per day. His cognative level is about that of a 12 month old but he does walk and is generally healthy other than the seizures.

We are fortunate and have the opportunity to travel quite a bit and struggle at times on whether or not to bring Broc with us. Many times he is much happier staying with grandma and grandpa. He does travel with us at times and was at WDW last year and will go again next year with extended family but we also have a few trips planned in between that he probably won't go on. For instance we are thinking about trying to put togeather a Disney Cruise this fall and possibly a trip to Jamaica in the spring.

My wife and I are sometimes torn on weather to bring him with us. While he probably would have fun for a few hours of the day I am very sure he would prefer to be at home. We wonder if we will look back at some of our family vacations and wish we would have had Broc with us.

If we were making a once in a lifetime trip the decision would be easy, he would go, but we know he will go with us often on trips but are hopeful we don't look back and regret not having pictures of him at 3 with Mickey or on the beach in the Carribean but on the other hand we don't want him to have a stressful unpleasent week for the sake of getting a few pictures and saying we are all togeather.

Mike

 

[Cheshire Figment]

If the grandparents are willing to take care of him, I think the two girls need a vacation. How often are they kind of shoved into the background due to his problems? I am not saying that a whole family vacation is a bad idea, but the other kids do need some time where they are uppermost in your minds.

 

[DJBounce]

I think it would be fine for your son to stay with his grandparents. Your daughters need that one on one time with you. I totally agree with the previous poster.

 

[Sue & Co.]

I think that you have it about right - taking him on some trips and leaving him at home for others. He will be happier at home and it gives you a chance to have quality time with the other two girls. (I don;t mean that you don;t have quality time with them at home but that without your son you can be more spontaneous to do what they want to away without having to consider the impact on your son and perhaps have to say no for that reason).

As long as he is getting some family holidays with you that can be planned around his needs you won't have anything to regret.

Sue

PS I have a physical disability and when we were children by poor brother always had his holidays affected by my needs.

 

[Earstou]

We left our DS at 18 months with grandparents. At the time, we didn't know he had ASD, were pretty sure he had ADHD, but couldn't get a doctor to take us seriously till he was older. He absolutely hated strollers, wouldn't let us hold him or his hand or use a restraint of any kind. He also would just walk away from us without a look back, so would have been easy to lose. Plus naps were difficult away from home, leading to one terribly cranky little guy. We took our older DD to WDW, who really enjoyed the time alone with mom and dad.

My ds really bonded with the grandparents (out-of-state) while he was with them, a bond that has continued even though he only sees them once or twice a year. He also has a lot of self confidence about going off to summer camp and things like that, which I think is due to the fact we left him, and it was a positive experience. So good things for them can come out of leaving them behind, too!

 

[Gertrude]

Mike,

You have really given a lot of thought and consideration to the issue. If I were in your position, I believe I would make the same decision.

Good luck!

 

[kdtwiss]

If he is happier at home - and you have such wonderful people to love and take care of him, then letting him be where he is happier is the thing to do. Of course you will miss him, but thinking of his happiness and comfort is what we all have to do as parents.

 

[SueM in MN]

You are not alone in thinking this and you are actually not the first person who has posted this question on this board (so don't feel alone). You have gotten a lot of good advice already, so some of what I am saying has already been said.

There are times when you have to balance the needs of everyone in your family and maybe not treat everyone the same exact way.
In this case, your son will have a vacation and some special time with his grandparents that suit his needs. Your other children will have an opportunity for a special time with you in a special place. You and your daughters will have an opportunity for some respite from the day to day care of your son. That is something that many people don't think about, but a vacation with a special needs child is a lot of work, no matter how much you love the child. Sometimes, you just need a chance to "recharge" and a vacation without him this time will let you do that. As you mentioned, it's not like you don't intend to ever bring him to WDW, it's just that this time, he will be having a different vacation than the rest of you.

And, maybe you won't have pictures with him in them on this vacation, but you will have the knowledge that he was having a good time when he was not with you and you will have other vacations where you will have pictures of him with Mickey.

 

[thumpersfriend]

Just a totally different take on this. I am a grandparent and if it were my grandson I would love to go with my whole family and be responsible for my grandson. I have babysat my granddaughter who is autistic when my son and his wife went on vacation and think boy it would sure be nice to go with them too!!!! But, it may be easier for them to care for him at home, in that case ,go and have a great time and enjoy yourselves. Your girls will have a great time and have mom and dad to themselves.

 

[SueM in MN]

Just a totally different take on this. I am a grandparent and if it were my grandson I would love to go with my whole family and be responsible for my grandson. I have babysat my granddaughter who is autistic when my son and his wife went on vacation and think boy it would sure be nice to go with them too!!!! But, it may be easier for them to care for him at home, in that case ,go and have a great time and enjoy yourselves. Your girls will have a great time and have mom and dad to themselves.

A very good other suggestion!
That may be the best of all worlds. The child could be with the family at the parks for the few hours that it is an enjoyable experience for him and then go back to the resort with grandma when it gets to be too much for him.

 

[loadsapixiedust]

You have some interesting replies there. At the end of the day what is right for your family may not be for another, so only you can make the judgement.

I'm sure your other kids will appreciate the fact that for a change you are putting their needs to the fore and that is important. If your little one will be happy and secure staying with his grandparents and you are happy with that too, I cannot see any harm in it, he is having his own vacation, just as you are.

I too have a disabled son and much as we love him and enjoy him as part of our family it is often all too apparent the impact his needs have on our choices and a vacation at WDW can make this even more obvious. Taking him away is very hard work and his being there affects a lot of what we can do. If he had the kind of grandparents you describe, I think I would be happy to let him holiday with them and take my other child away on a family trip.

 

[busykate]

As parents of disabled children we spend our time doing a balancing act. As a family, dh, dd, and I take one vacation a year, generally to a place that really interests dd but for another week or a long weekend dh and I get some time without her. It's really important for you to take time with your other children. I think you are doing a great thing for your dds, so enjoy yourselves!

 

[Mike Bartenhagen]

Thanks for all of the replies. I am confident that we are doing the right thing now my biggest concern is (was) that we might look back and regret not making all of our vacations family vacations.

Mike

 

[*Fantasia*]

A very good other suggestion!
That may be the best of all worlds. The child could be with the family at the parks for the few hours that it is an enjoyable experience for him and then go back to the resort with grandma when it gets to be too much for him.

I think this is the best suggestion. Have grandpa/ma come too! This way when your son need some relax time, then he can stay with grandparents while the rest of the family can still enjoy the day. This way everyone gets to go and have fun and still be able to take care of your son by your parents being there.

 

[Mike Bartenhagen]

My parents are DVC members so we do have the opportunity to go as an entire family with Grandma and Grandpa along with my sister and her family every other year so that helps to make the decision to go with out Broc on occasion easier.

Mike

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

Mike gosh I feel you anguish and know what you mean about looking back. I think if you ask your parents to do fun things with Broc and take pictures of everything he does with them . He will have his special vacation photos with Grandma and Grandpa and you will have yours with your other children.
You could put them together in the album and it can be happy memories of both vacations.
Have you asked the children how they would feel if Broc stayed home? You can include them in the decision process as well. Talking with them may make the decision easier. They may not want Broc to stay home or they may tell you they wish for some one to one time with you guys.

 

[3kidsmommy]

I just wanted to add that I think it is great that the grandparents are willing and able to help you out. My family has never had the opportunity to NOT take my disabled child with us anywhere...if given the opportunity, I am sure his brother and sister would love to have the attention that has to be given to thier brother. So, although I have never had the opportunity, I think that yes, I woudl do the same if I could. Takign care of a child with a disability is NOT easy and it requires so much more effort and time than a typical child...

 

[trip]

What ever you decide to do for your family is the right decision!!

And I just wanted to say HI from Papillion!!

 

[juliab]

Hey Mike- You've got it right!!!

 

[SueOKW]

What a great discussion!